I always find the strangest guys, what does this mean?....male responses appreciated

October 18, 2009

To be fair, he's a little confusing too.....not sure if he really likes me or not so not sure if I SHOULD ask him out again! He's not exactly being very straightforward either, is he? I guess I could be the one to ask again...

I think you should do it Kis. I think it would be good for you, either way. You need to get back out there after what's happened in the past. Getting rejected is part of "being out there"...and can simply be a learning experience. Regardless of how things work out with this guy, I think it's been good for you emotionally.

Imo, you are in need of a good old fashioned rebound relationship. I think casual is a very good thing for you right now. If this guy isn't up to par find one that is.

October 18, 2009

It sounds to me like you want more than sex, but you feel ashamed/embarrassed/weird about that. Own who and what you are, and trust your feelings, which are trying to tell you that sex only is not a great idea for you (same is true for many women -- some men, too).

The situation with this guy is basically a cluster**** at this point. Drop him completely, move on, and don't make the same mistake in the future.

October 18, 2009

Sounds like she wouldn't mind another night of torrid and steamy sex herself.... So why would she tell him to buzz off? For a so-called "alpha male", you seem to be pretty uncomfortable with the concept of sex...Try it sometimes, you might like it

I wouldn't mind it to be frank. I haven't had that in a while since my last break up! Not that I couldnt, I just didnt really feel any attraction to most people since my break up. It took me a long time to feel mentally ready to even be attracted to someone new, so when I was, it was rather exciting, the whole "newness" of it again. It was the sort of sex when you feel drunk afterwards and your arms and legs are quivering and you just feel like you're probably walking around with a drunken type of grin on your face lol. It was just torrid and steamy and really great, and Im ok with that for now. It would be nice to have it again, for sure, but if it didnt happen I'd enjoy it for what it was. Guess I just wanted to sort of be more aware of whether that was going to happen again or not.

October 18, 2009

It sounds to me like you want more than sex, but you feel ashamed/embarrassed/weird about that. Own who and what you are, and trust your feelings, which are trying to tell you that sex only is not a great idea for you (same is true for many women -- some men, too).

The situation with this guy is basically a cluster**** at this point. Drop him completely, move on, and don't make the same mistake in the future.

No, i am ok with it being just sex, but I think my problem is that Im inpatient. I want to know what's going to happen, how its going to pan out. I get frustrated when I think Im unsure as to what the other person wants. In my perfect world we are in that world where no one can lie and just says whatever is on their mind , for better or worse! Which is why I try to tell guys "really i dont mind, just be honest with me", but I think they probably think Im doing that thing that women sometimes do when we say we want an honest answer, but when we get one we b*tch them out for it? When in reality, Im being serious-- I really am ok with things so long as you're being up front with me from the beginning.

October 18, 2009

I think you should do it Kis. I think it would be good for you, either way. You need to get back out there after what's happened in the past. Getting rejected is part of "being out there"...and can simply be a learning experience. Regardless of how things work out with this guy, I think it's been good for you emotionally.

Imo, you are in need of a good old fashioned rebound relationship. I think casual is a very good thing for you right now. If this guy isn't up to par find one that is.

I think it is good for me, if only because it shows me I am capable of liking someone , or even being attracted to someone new, again. After that whole fiasco with MM (if you can call 4.5 years a fiasco! ;-) ) I seriously doubted my ability to ever like another man, as illogical as that sounded! I'd go out on dates, I'd never like anyone, I'd never feel any spark, and then despite this guy's total oddball behaviour and flakeyness, when we did hang out it was great and I found myself really enjoying spending time with him and being attracted to him, so even if it doesnt work out, its ok, its probably good for my whole "moving on" process. But I will admit, I would like to see him again ;-) Doesn't have to go anywhere right away, honestly, but I would like to see him again at some point.

October 18, 2009

One of the most appealing aspects of casual is that it's unplanned, that no one is bound to anything for the future, not even as far as next week. Men tend to love this commitment-free part of it more than women.

If you want sex only, but enough of a commitment to know when and how often it's coming, maybe you need a more reliable, stable FWB. It would help to state your expectations and agree upon terms -- such as sex once a week -- upfront.

October 18, 2009

I wouldn't mind it to be frank. I haven't had that in a while since my last break up! Not that I couldnt, I just didnt really feel any attraction to most people since my break up. It took me a long time to feel mentally ready to even be attracted to someone new, so when I was, it was rather exciting, the whole "newness" of it again. It was the sort of sex when you feel drunk afterwards and your arms and legs are quivering and you just feel like you're probably walking around with a drunken type of grin on your face lol. It was just torrid and steamy and really great, and Im ok with that for now. It would be nice to have it again, for sure, but if it didnt happen I'd enjoy it for what it was. Guess I just wanted to sort of be more aware of whether that was going to happen again or not.

Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Instead of texting him you should have called him and said "are you ready for round two!"

And just so you know, just because you want things casual does not mean he has a license to treat you like crap. You have to set standards that you expect a casual fling to uphold. If he does not meet those standards then you walk away. Casual does not mean that respect is thrown out the window. I've had casual sex with many women and some don't care if you call and some do. The ones that care, I call. I learned to do this the hard way. It's not difficult to tell which women want a call and which don't, so he has no excuse there,imo.

Anyway like I said you have to set standards of behavior that are acceptable to you and stick to them.

Hope any of this helps

October 18, 2009

I think my problem is thinking too much like a girl. I think he genuinly did not think it would bother me to have minimal contact, and maybe i did give that impression.

I think this is pretty much spot on. And I think you should definitely "bother" to ask him out if you're still interested in him. See, you don't know how he feels about this whole situation just like he doesn't know how you do....he may be offended about you calling him an @sshole or he may think that you've lost interest. There's nothing wrong with a girl who takes the initiative.

Edited October 18, 2009 by Johnny M

October 18, 2009

One of the most appealing aspects of casual is that it's unplanned, that no one is bound to anything for the future, not even as far as next week. Men tend to love this commitment-free part of it more than women.

I would have to strongly disagree. If the sex is good, a man would not mind a one night stand leading to a constant "friends with benefits" thing. In fact, a typical man would be very much in favor of such an arrangement (and there's no commitment in it either). Planned sex can be just as good as unplanned, take my word for it

October 18, 2009

Your first mistake was tolerating the first idiot thing he did. Your second mistake was tolerating the next idiot thing. Your third mistake was agreeing to meet with him 'out of curiosity'. Your next mistake was seeing him again and again, and then sleeping with him. And you're surprised that you've gotten the results you've gotten?

The other thing is, you're giving out mixed signals - you sleep with a guy and then tell him you don't want to get serious, blah, blah, blah. Why not just be quiet about it and just see what happens? Besides, what you're saying is crap and you need to just recognize that about yourself. You do expect him to contact you and you do expect him to treat you with the respect deserved someone who's sleeping with a man.

From what I can tell, you're mixed up and so is he. None of the results you're getting should be a surprise.

October 18, 2009

The other thing is, you're giving out mixed signals - you sleep with a guy and then tell him you don't want to get serious, blah, blah, blah. Why not just be quiet about it and just see what happens? Besides, what you're saying is crap and you need to just recognize that about yourself. You do expect him to contact you and you do expect him to treat you with the respect deserved someone who's sleeping with a man.

I pretty much agree with this paragraph. In your original post you state that after having sex with him, you tell him that you:

"don't need to rush into relationships, casual dating, whatever, is fine with me."

Obviously, you weren't okay with "whatever." You had certain expectations, and got upset when those expectations weren't met. I'm not at all saying you're wrong with expecting more, but I suppose what you think of as "whatever" wasn't what he was thinking of.

October 18, 2009

...I'd appreciate it if he just said so.

Do not EVER, EVER, EVER expect people - men in particular - to be direct with you and give you answers. Most of the time, people don't even know their own minds, much less can they articulate anything they're thinking or feeling. Also, most men are not going to be honest when it means hurting a woman's feelings. Just learn to read the signs (usually in the form of big, fat red flags) and stop waiting for people to tell you what's going on.

October 18, 2009

Do not EVER, EVER, EVER expect people - men in particular - to be direct with you and give you answers. Most of the time, people don't even know their own minds, much less can they articulate anything they're thinking or feeling. Also, most men are not going to be honest when it means hurting a woman's feelings. Just learn to read the signs (usually in the form of big, fat red flags) and stop waiting for people to tell you what's going on.

I am guilty of being honest with women. Bad. I know.

October 18, 2009

I am guilty of being honest with women. Bad. I know.

That's great but it's not relevant to what I'm talking about. If she's not getting answers, she doesn't need to drive herself nuts waiting for something she's not going to get. She needs to learn to read the signs.

October 18, 2009

Do not EVER, EVER, EVER expect people - men in particular - to be direct with you and give you answers. Most of the time, people don't even know their own minds, much less can they articulate anything they're thinking or feeling. Also, most men are not going to be honest when it means hurting a woman's feelings. Just learn to read the signs (usually in the form of big, fat red flags) and stop waiting for people to tell you what's going on.

Well this is idiocy then (the men, i mean, not your interpretation). Im an adult, I have no need for games, and trying to read subtle "flags". If he simply stopped speaking to me at all, and didnt respond to any prods on my end, fine, that is a "big red flag" that he wants nothing further to do with me. But he hasnt done that. He's just been annoyingly aloof and gives weird responses on random musings on daily life but doesnt indicate whether or not he actually wants to hang out again. I give him open arena to be honest about what he wants and he says he finds my forward nature refreshing, but then doesnt take full advantage. With all due respect, he is being a little confusing, just a little.

But I do agree that I find men often have trouble articulating how they feel about things. While its how many of them are, Im not sure its always an excuse either. Like I said, he's only 24, and I find the maturity gained from your early to late 20's in itself is quite amazing, particularly for guys, so it could partially be immaturity on his end, or he could just honestly think when I said I was ok with 'casual' that it meant we didnt need to have contact that often in the begininng. But maybe i shoudl have been more ..hmm.....PRECISE on what I expect. That casual sex is cool, but that I expect some common courtesy of contact at least once a week just to know that this is still an ongoing thing.

October 19, 2009

He's just been annoyingly aloof and gives weird responses on random musings on daily life but doesnt indicate whether or not he actually wants to hang out again.

There's your red flag.

October 19, 2009

Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Instead of texting him you should have called him and said "are you ready for round two!"

And just so you know, just because you want things casual does not mean he has a license to treat you like crap. You have to set standards that you expect a casual fling to uphold. If he does not meet those standards then you walk away. Casual does not mean that respect is thrown out the window. I've had casual sex with many women and some don't care if you call and some do. The ones that care, I call. I learned to do this the hard way. It's not difficult to tell which women want a call and which don't, so he has no excuse there,imo.

Anyway like I said you have to set standards of behavior that are acceptable to you and stick to them.

Hope any of this helps

yes its been very helpful thanks ;-)

You are right. Casual does not mean respect is thrown out the window, and I don't think that expecting some normal contact to let me know he wants to see me again is asking for too much. Not asking for a phone call every day, or even more than once a week. He's young, but he's not stupid. Perhaps ignorant in some areas so he has room for improvement but really, he needs to learn.....so perhaps it is partially my error for not being prescise enough in what I expect out of this, who knows?

I'll give it a wait till next week. If all I get is weird random stuff again, I may jsut be like "so, are we hanging out again or what", and if he continues to be really weirdly aloof, i'll just say f**k it and move on to something less frustrating. Either way, those three nights together (especially the last one) were damn good.

October 19, 2009

yes its been very helpful thanks ;-)

You are right. Casual does not mean respect is thrown out the window, and I don't think that expecting some normal contact to let me know he wants to see me again is asking for too much. Not asking for a phone call every day, or even more than once a week. He's young, but he's not stupid. Perhaps ignorant in some areas so he has room for improvement but really, he needs to learn.....so perhaps it is partially my error for not being prescise enough in what I expect out of this, who knows?

You seem to not understand, he knew what he was doing. He didnt want to talk to you more than once a week. He knows women get attached if you extend that kind of communication. Let that be a lesson to YOU for the next guy. This guy has another woman on the side. He cant go around telling all the women the truth of his intentions, otherwise he'd never get laid. He doesnt know whether or not you azre on of the women who will bang him if he tells you he only wants you for sex and nothing else.

October 19, 2009

You seem to not understand, he knew what he was doing. He didnt want to talk to you more than once a week. He knows women get attached if you extend that kind of communication. Let that be a lesson to YOU for the next guy. This guy has another woman on the side. He cant go around telling all the women the truth of his intentions, otherwise he'd never get laid. He doesnt know whether or not you azre on of the women who will bang him if he tells you he only wants you for sex and nothing else.

Erm, yeah, I made it pretty clear that I was ok with whatever scenario came of it but that I would prefer him to let me know what intentions he had from the beginning. I'm quite open and forward in my manner of speaking about these things. If he chooses not to believe me when I said those things I suppose that's possible, but to be honest I don't care if someone is dating other people. In fact, I would prefer to know if someone is sleeping with other people. It's not going to in and of itself make me decide whether or not to keep seeing them. We aren't in some monogamous relationship, and I am well aware that it is possible he could be sleeping with someone else. I have certainly dated, and slept with, more than one guy at once, and if they asked if there were other people in the picture i was certainly very honest about it. If I am in a relationship, then I stick to that one person, obviously, but when it's just casual dating everyone's allowed to do what they like. It ain't all about you boys having more than one person on the side, okey dokey?

I could be totally off, but he has given me the impression that since he's only been in this country six months, he hasn't gotten to know a ton of people outside of work yet. So yeah, maybe he's banging other chicks as you eloquently put it, but frankly I don't care much if he is. Good for him if he can get a few of us at once, that's irrelevent to me. That would only become relevent if he and I were to be in a relationship at some point. All i'm concerned about is getting the same respect I would give back to someone else in the same position. And frankly, I don't think communication that is a little more clear is asking for much.

October 19, 2009

As many people have pointed out, this guy has communicated to you where he's at right now, just not the way you want him to. His lack of communication, blowing you off, etc....all of this is his way of telling you something. However, because he does not communicate verbally the same way you do, you're flipping out, and you're being rude to everyone who is interpreting this guy's actions for you, since you have failed to do so and posted a thread asking about it.

October 19, 2009

Erm, yeah, I made it pretty clear that I was ok with whatever scenario came of it but that I would prefer him to let me know what intentions he had from the beginning. I'm quite open and forward in my manner of speaking about these things. If he chooses not to believe me when I said those things I suppose that's possible, but to be honest I don't care if someone is dating other people..

He doesnt know that youre serious when you say that. He's been in situations where the woman said

"You can tell me the truth, really you can! If you only want casual sex thats fine!"

Him "Ok, its true, I like you but I dont want a serious relationship with you, I want to keep my options open."

Then she flip flops it - "You know what, I wanted to see if you'd admit it, now that I have the truth from you, I cant see you anymore until you want to get serious."

This happens, and THATS why he doesnt tell you.

So if you dont want something serious, and you cant get a straight answer from him, and youre not getting something serious anyway,. just roll with it and stop complaining. Not everyone is going to be honest. Deal with it.

October 19, 2009

The thing you have missed is that he is juggling women..

You are not the only one he is dating

I have to agree with Alpha on this.. he was looking for something causal and he got it..

Somewhere along the line you thought.. hey.. he would be a cool BF.. but he isn't looking for that.

October 19, 2009

The thing you have missed is that he is juggling women..

You are not the only one he is dating

I have to agree with Alpha on this.. he was looking for something causal and he got it..
Somewhere along the line you thought.. hey.. he would be a cool BF.. but he isn't looking for that.

And this is what I love about public forums:

1) somehow Art_Critic is a magical psychic and knows that this dude is "juggling women" only from the faint amount of information I've presented here

2) somehow Art_Critic has missed the point that I don't care if he is juggling ten women because him and I aren't in a relationship

3) somehow Art_Critic has missed that even if you juggle 500 women, you should be slick enough to keep them all happy with a phone call here and there if that's all that warrants keeping them informed that stuff is still casually going on.

K, have a nice day.

Edited October 19, 2009 by KismetGirl

October 19, 2009

You are just upset because I agreed with Alpha..

October 19, 2009

3) somehow Art_Critic has missed that even if you juggle 500 women, you should be slick enough to keep them all happy with a phone call here and there if that's all that warrants keeping them informed that stuff is still casually going on.

See they tell you the truth and you cant take it. We get it, you say you didnt want anything serious with the guy.

When the guy can get what he wants without calling you when YOU want, he wins-- because you set that precident. He knows he doesnt have to keep you happy by your definition (with a call)...he's slick enough to pull that off. Especially since he doesnt want you anymore.

Sign In

I always find the strangest guys, what does this mean?....male responses appreciated

Recommended Posts

Die Hard

Ruby Slippers

KismetGirl

KismetGirl

KismetGirl

Ruby Slippers

Die Hard

Johnny M

Johnny M

Angel1111

Beerme

Angel1111

You'reasian

Angel1111

KismetGirl

Angel1111

KismetGirl

boogieboy

KismetGirl

Double

boogieboy

Art_Critic

KismetGirl

Art_Critic

boogieboy

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...