eeyore1981 Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 I was just reading in another post, and I was surprised at what some people consider an EA. I feel an EA consists of some or all of these. Having 'romantic' feelings towards the OP. Carrying on any of the relationship in secret. Saying things you wouldn't want the spouse to hear. I don't feel it is an EA if: The OP turns out to have feelings for you, if you are not reciprocating. You are not 'romantically' interested in the OP. Your spouse if free to participate in the friendship whenever they want. (This one has qualifiers) You are griping about your spouse for advice or second opinion, as long as it is something you have already addressed with your spouse and gotten nowhere, you would say in front of your spouse, and you aren't saying it to an OP who has feelings for you. (This last is because it might be encouraging to OP, and if you are doing that, you might be kidding yourself about your feelings.) What do you all think?
Big Star Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Hey Eeyore. I'd agree with that statement. I once went along with something like this when I was in the middle years of high school. I liked this girl, and she liked me too but not enough to leave her on-again, off-again boyfriend. She called it 'special friends'. We actually did get it together a couple of times in the off-season when they weren't together, but it was such a dishonest basis for a relationship that it never lasted :-P
Fallen Angel Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 I think that your definition is pretty accurate. My MM and I became best friends, and I think we both had 'romantic feelings' long before either of us admitted them to each other. But the fact that we called each other our 'best friend' rather than our 'affair partner' doesn't mean we were not involved in an emotional affair, it just means we were trying to deny it, even to ourselves.
carhill Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 IMO, to be on the safe side, never presume someone is not interested in you romantically and maintain the level of sharing to items for public consumption, like family (gushing about the grandkids, etc) and shared interests. Relationship topics should be broached very carefully, especially in a cross-gender 'friendship'. EA's can be carried on in full view of spouses/SO's. It's not the actions, rather the feelings behind the actions, which define the dynamic. IMO, anytime one prioritizes the dynamic of the 'friendship' over their marital/committed partner, it is, as our psychologist described, an 'inappropriate emotional attachment'. In other words, an attachment detrimental to the primary relationship. Interest and energy and intimacy which is taken away from and denied the primary partner.
schewter Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 The lad my wife was involved with in an EA never asked her if she was married in the first three months of getting to know one another. I think that is pretty unusual for two 40 somethings not to have a conversation about in the early stages of becoming acquainted. He told a few lies about his own marital status. She finally told him herself when it became quite apparent that he was looking for more than friendship...in an Email she wrote. "Though the topic never came up I should warn you that I have been married 19 years and have two children". To which he replied, "OMG, I'm sorry, your husband's a lucky guy". Then he backed off for a couple of days but was right back at it within the week. I guess the point is that if people, especially we older crowd, are not asking if you are married during the process of getting acquainted they likely don't want to know which should be a pretty good indicator that they've got more in mind than making a friend.
FreezorBurn Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Secrecy is the key then its a EA. because with that comes all the liying. My Wife and other women I know said there not attracted and It total Bull. vWhy did she have a EA with a young good looking guy and not some over weight balding older man? It's crap women force themselve into believing. All the lies about nothing sexual ever would have happend. I can’t believe how such incredibly intelligent and sharp women can be so naive and stupid. I know a husband that finally agreed to let his wife be friends with some scumbag because she was Brilliant person and assured him they where only friends. Then bang! 3 months later they where screwing each other. Right now I am a dictator to my wife. She has to call me when she leaves work and gets into work. I am 4 months out and She has to tell me where she is 24/7. After I found out about her EA. I don't love her the same way anymore and I am not sure our marraige is going to make it. We may just stay togather for a few years till the children get older. I do not trust her. I Can't believe she could stare me in the face and LIE so well. 4 months out and she has done everthing I asked , but non of it is enough and I still hate her for doing what she did.
JaneInVegas Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 IMO, anytime one prioritizes the dynamic of the 'friendship' over their marital/committed partner, it is, as our psychologist described, an 'inappropriate emotional attachment'. In other words, an attachment detrimental to the primary relationship. Interest and energy and intimacy which is taken away from and denied the primary partner. WOW, very nicely said!
Author eeyore1981 Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 IMO, to be on the safe side, never presume someone is not interested in you romantically and maintain the level of sharing to items for public consumption, like family (gushing about the grandkids, etc) and shared interests. Relationship topics should be broached very carefully, especially in a cross-gender 'friendship'. EA's can be carried on in full view of spouses/SO's. It's not the actions, rather the feelings behind the actions, which define the dynamic. IMO, anytime one prioritizes the dynamic of the 'friendship' over their marital/committed partner, it is, as our psychologist described, an 'inappropriate emotional attachment'. In other words, an attachment detrimental to the primary relationship. Interest and energy and intimacy which is taken away from and denied the primary partner. BBM LOL, in that case, my H has had an EA with most of his same sex friends, our business, his truck, and the TV.
Meaplus3 Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 I was just reading in another post, and I was surprised at what some people consider an EA. I feel an EA consists of some or all of these. Having 'romantic' feelings towards the OP. Carrying on any of the relationship in secret. Saying things you wouldn't want the spouse to hear. I don't feel it is an EA if: The OP turns out to have feelings for you, if you are not reciprocating. You are not 'romantically' interested in the OP. Your spouse if free to participate in the friendship whenever they want. (This one has qualifiers) You are griping about your spouse for advice or second opinion, as long as it is something you have already addressed with your spouse and gotten nowhere, you would say in front of your spouse, and you aren't saying it to an OP who has feelings for you. (This last is because it might be encouraging to OP, and if you are doing that, you might be kidding yourself about your feelings.) What do you all think? Sounds to me like your impression of what is an ea and what is not an ea is spot on. I very much agree with you. Mea:)
carhill Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 LOL, in that case, my H has had an EA with most of his same sex friends, our business, his truck, and the TV. Yes, this was the gist of our psychologist showing my stbx how she was prioritizing her same-sex friendships over our marriage, sharing intimacies from our marriage with her friends and seeking and following their advice in dealing with marital issues. Her focus should have been on myself and our M. I did the same thing with the cross-gender friend detailed in my journals. We both were making grave and obvious mistakes. My stbx has many male clients and friends but I have no knowledge that anything inappropriate occured with them. It was the disclosed relationship prioritizations on both sides which drove the crux of our work in MC. I surely learned a lot. Much of how I personally define an EA grew out of that work. I can see clearly now how what I did was wrong. Understanding that has helped me set new and different boundaries.
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