Author BetterThanThis Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 She is an alcoholic and lucky she has not killed anyone with her driving. Siebert is right she needs a treatment facility and if she was raped, you need to report it...... I'll bet she won't want to press charges.... She isn't an alcoholic (yet). She doesn't need alcohol to get through the day. I've known some alcoholics. She does have an addictive personality, though. I'd hate so see her fall that far. Unfortunately, I don't think I have the legal ability to report her rape. I am encouraging her to do so. As far as getting tested for STDs, finding evidence of that is how I got her to confess she had been hiding what happened.
Author BetterThanThis Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 I was raped by someone I knew.I felt like it somewhat my fault that maybe I led him on or something.But I cried and said no please dont.I also drank for a few years after that.I was ashamed and felt dirty.I am fine now but the first few years was hard.It depends on the person some people it efects them more.Its not something I like to talk about and through the years I have not said alot about it.She probably wants to forget it like I did.She needs to know its not her fault but for you to help you need some info.I hope all works well for you both. Hearing experiences like this give me hope that she really is telling me the truth. I told her she needs to come clean with me or our relationship will never work. It would be like going down a dead end road. I just don't know if or how I'm going to reconcile what led up to the alleged rape. I think I can accept that it happened and support her healing process, but what about what got her there in the first place? Can I accept that she was alone with another man in his house having drinks? That just ain't gonna be easy.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 She isn't an alcoholic (yet). She doesn't need alcohol to get through the day. I've known some alcoholics. She does have an addictive personality, though. I'd hate so see her fall that far. Unfortunately, I don't think I have the legal ability to report her rape. I am encouraging her to do so. As far as getting tested for STDs, finding evidence of that is how I got her to confess she had been hiding what happened. Unfair to call her an alcoholic but she has blacked out, thrown up all over the house, drove home got in an accident and has no recollection. Add to that been out way too often of late drinking. The fact is she does not want to report the rape, because frankly I doubt the story. If true and for that I am very sorry, she owes it to herslef, you and other potential victims to report it.
giotto Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 It's not that easy. Women don't report these things for a number of reasons. I am one, and I know many other women who've been in the same boat. She isn't at a point that she isn't feeling responsible for it yet - and until she can stop blaming herself, which can take years, and by then it's going to be a legally moot point. What I find difficult to believe is that she managed to hide it for her husband so well... it's such a traumatic experience... is it possibile that her husband didn't notice anything at all?
giotto Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 But she didn't hide it that well. He noticed something was wrong. Her attempt to hide it was a result of shame - she feels like damaged goods, so she's trying to hide the cracks in the pottery however she can. She was likely afraid that he'd leave her if he knew that she was raped. I know that doesn't sound logical, but it does when you've been in that situation. yes, you are right, he did mention it... but I still believe she hid her feelings incredibly well, considering what happened...
Toodamnpragmatic Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 But she didn't hide it that well. He noticed something was wrong. Her attempt to hide it was a result of shame - she feels like damaged goods, so she's trying to hide the cracks in the pottery however she can. She was likely afraid that he'd leave her if he knew that she was raped. I know that doesn't sound logical, but it does when you've been in that situation. the whole story does not add up and frankly am not sure I believe her story. There are serious issues here being overlooked and/or swept under the carpet.... Was she raped???? If yes I am very sorry..... Unfortunately I am not so sure based on the OP..... Read the OP and see this was brought up halfway through the post in the middle of a sentence...... What I do know is she blacked out, drove home stinking drunk, wrecked the car and had absolutely no recollection, threw up all over the house, oh and btw may have been raped a few weeks back and contracted a STD.....
Church Bells Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 the whole story does not add up and frankly am not sure I believe her story. There are serious issues here being overlooked and/or swept under the carpet.... Was she raped???? If yes I am very sorry..... Unfortunately I am not so sure based on the OP..... Read the OP and see this was brought up halfway through the post in the middle of a sentence...... What I do know is she blacked out, drove home stinking drunk, wrecked the car and had absolutely no recollection, threw up all over the house, oh and btw may have been raped a few weeks back and contracted a STD..... I concur ... this whole story has "WW got caught, and now has cooked up a plausible lie to cover her infidelity" written all over it. Question for OP ... has your W given you the name and address of the alleged rapist? If not ... WHY??? Since you haven't mentioned knowing any of the details, I am assuming that your W is still hiding pertinent information from you, which makes the deceit ONGOING and her whole story MUCH LESS believable.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I concur ... this whole story has "WW got caught, and now has cooked up a plausible lie to cover her infidelity" written all over it. Question for OP ... has your W given you the name and address of the alleged rapist? If not ... WHY??? Since you haven't mentioned knowing any of the details, I am assuming that your W is still hiding pertinent information from you, which makes the deceit ONGOING and her whole story MUCH LESS believable. Amazes me that I intimated as much in a few earlier posts and no one responded...... What do people think I was saying when I said she will not press charges????? Always surprised what people fixate on in these posts.....
Toodamnpragmatic Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 In fairness, all of that is supposition - the OP never indicated that she was hiding info on the supposed rapist. Further, I think it's a pretty big deal to go around accussing someone of lying about rape. She'd have to be pretty depraved to make something like that up. Sure, it's possible, but nothing posted here suggests anything really out of the ordinary happened to indicate that it's not true. I'm glad you are so trusting..... However the whole story and the way it was laid out is suspicious...... I still can't get over the fact that people have glossed over the drunk driving with a shrugged shoulder (I am the only one aghast at that part of the post). Actually the more I think about it, the more I think this is a good starting point for an episode of Law and Order (Original, SVU or Criminal Intent)..... I just don't buy it from the little information the OP has provided.
Author BetterThanThis Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 What I find difficult to believe is that she managed to hide it for her husband so well... it's such a traumatic experience... is it possibile that her husband didn't notice anything at all? Oh, believe me, I did. I've said to her a number of times, "you look like you have something to tell me". A number of behaviors were unexplained. She has been going through a tough time after losing a job, so I assumed at times she was struggling with that. I never would have guessed this, especially since we maintained a fairly strong physical connection all the while.
Author BetterThanThis Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 the whole story does not add up and frankly am not sure I believe her story. There are serious issues here being overlooked and/or swept under the carpet.... Was she raped???? If yes I am very sorry..... Unfortunately I am not so sure based on the OP..... Read the OP and see this was brought up halfway through the post in the middle of a sentence...... What I do know is she blacked out, drove home stinking drunk, wrecked the car and had absolutely no recollection, threw up all over the house, oh and btw may have been raped a few weeks back and contracted a STD..... Of course there are serious issues, and they aren't being swept under the carpet. I agree with a few others here that getting her help is the first priority. It will take a bit to see where the relationship is going to go. A lot will factor into that. She has told me a lot about what happened, but not his name. I think she knows I will find him and she doesn't want to continue the nightmare. I have problems with this as do some of you. She is going to counseling right now and seems much more at peace since she told me. I think I believe that she didn't want to have sex. What I have the most trouble with is what brought her there in the first place. Does that make sense?
giotto Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 What I have the most trouble with is what brought her there in the first place. Does that make sense? Absolutely and it's understandable. On the other hand, you need to concentrate on her welfare first and then - if possible - tackle the issue. It won't be easy. She is traumatised and she is really not in the position to take more blame on at the moment...
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