RangersFC Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Hey everyone. Just as I see myself ending my long struggle with moving on. It makes me wonder if any of these secret relationships ever actually work out? Please share, how you meet, the ups and downs and what it was that just won them over!
Fallen Angel Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Rangers, I don't have my own story of "success". But my mother was an OW for years. I am not sure when it started, he was always a part of our lives in my memory. I actually thought he was my father until I was 10. He was in our home as soon as work ended most every night, and he left (sometimes) after my sister and I were in bed, but most often he stayed and just left very early in the morning. I thought he was working. He served his wife with divorce papers the day after his youngest child's 18th birthday. He and my mother married the day after his divorce was finalized. That was over 25 years ago. They are still happily married. They have retired together to a small ranch that they built together. My step sister (his youngest) once told me that she didn't realize all the years what had been happening. He was always there in the morning when his children woke up for school. And he made all of her school functions the same as he made it to every one of mine. I don't know how he managed it all, but we children on both sides never knew. I have been told it was because his wife knew (he had told her he wanted a divorce, but she told him he owed it to her and the children to be there til they were grown). Anyway, he managed to pull it off with us kids never being the wiser until he married my mother. I think though that they are the exception rather than being the rule. *shrug* I am an OW now, I don't think I get MY happy ending.
candoit Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 mostly sad poeple with troubled relationships come here ,they are plenty of happy endings out there , its just you wont find them here because they busy happily living their lives .
whatisgoingon Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 mostly sad poeple with troubled relationships come here ,they are plenty of happy endings out there , its just you wont find them here because they busy happily living their lives . I could not of said it any better!!!
wheelwright Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 I went into my EMA with a MM with this in mind. My friend's dad had split from her mum to settle down with the mum's friend. It was a horrible mess for both families. The heartache is still there for both families 30 years later. But the affair couple are still together, and the two womwn are even friends. The selfishness involved was huge. But yes, it worked out. As in all cases where a background is far away from the preconceived norm, the children are richer from the experience, but more hurt/traumatised. What is the price of this richness? For them and for us? My own childhood was difficult. My MM believed in family values. People's life choices rest on this kind of thing, including whether or not they desert their wives for love. 'Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.' I say this because your post makes me think you are pre DDay and you haven't thought that all out yet. I would always choose love, till there was nothing there left choosing. But there are consequences for eveyone, however heady it is now. Find out your MM's family values. And his values about love. And keep asking about his wife. Cleverly. Get his trust. If you know he loves her, let him go.
MistyK Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 RFC, You're probably aware that the vast majority of these situations don't work out. We do have at least 4 posters who've ended up marrying their MM's. But honestly it sound like what you're looking for isn't in the realm of reality. One person cannot make another person want to leave the relationship they're in to be with another. Nor can anyone make the attached person takes the steps required to leave. That all has to come from within them, and nothing you can say or do will change that. You can only control you, and the sooner you accept that, the better. That said, there are several more of us here who were with MM that ended up leaving their W's, only to discover that it was way worse than we expected, and often colored by a desire to return to the W. People in long term relationships can't just shut off the other relationship and their emotions associated with it, much as we might like them to. This is one of those cases where I have to say: be careful what you wish for.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Hey everyone. Just as I see myself ending my long struggle with moving on. It makes me wonder if any of these secret relationships ever actually work out? Please share, how you meet, the ups and downs and what it was that just won them over! Our R did work out and we are married now... Disclaimer: I am a pain in the a** but he doesn't seem to mind. Concentrate on your R...It is not the odds that matter but what you have with your partner...
howcouldInotknow Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Our R did work out and we are married now... Disclaimer: I am a pain in the a** but he doesn't seem to mind. Concentrate on your R...It is not the odds that matter but what you have with your partner... I agree so many people here seem to always want to deliver what statistics are. Things happen and not everyones situation is the same. Things didn't work out with my MM but it doesnt happen that way for everyone
White Flower Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I agree so many people here seem to always want to deliver what statistics are. Things happen and not everyones situation is the same. Things didn't work out with my MM but it doesnt happen that way for everyone I don't believe in any statistic posted on this subject as we STILL live in a society riddled with taboos, superstitions, and gossip. As long as we have these hurdles we cannot be out in the open; therefore, true stats cannot be taken. Most people who have affairs that result in marriage end up moving to a new town and start over where nobody knew of them as 'homewreckers' and others will move in to the home that they 'wrecked' and when this happens neighbors will gladly turn a blind eye because living peacefully among neighbors is easier than holding in resentment toward a couple whose affair turned legit. Most affairs that I know of have been long term ones. Let's face it, it's hard to let go of a good thing. Usually an A terminates when one wants more than the other can deliver and is adamant about it. More often than not, most affair couples get what they need out of the A which is usually why they began one in the first place.
Jacky Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I don't think the stats will be correct since every situation is different. I think the main thing for the A to turn into a official relationship requires the MM/MW to be strong enough to admit there is flaws in the marriage and leave. A lot of the time the MM/MW don't know whether is romantic love or family love. I have made it sound very easy but in reality I know thats not the case. But end of the day, for the A to become official is up to the MM/MW. The call isn't really for OM/OW to do. There were a few of OM/OW which had happy endings.
Lizzie60 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I was an OW.. a loooong time ago... in fact.. I had just turned 15... the A lasted 11 years... his W eventually kicked him out .. cause after a lot of threats, fights.. etc... he never stopped... so she left.. he moved in with me when I was 26 ... we lived together for 18 years after that.. we had a son.. I finally left him cause I didn't love him anymore.. I had another long(ish) relationship for 5 years with a divorced younger guy... Then when I left him... I realized that the best 'life' for me was to remain single and have fun... I went on a sexual rampage that lasted a few years... married, single.. it didn't matter.. still doesn't... but I am no longer on that rampage... I settled down a bit... but I still have numerous As... oldest is now 6 years old (my scout dad)... then my MM from work... going on 4 years now.. another who is on and off for 4-5 years now. I'm in touch with MOST of my MMs.. through email, MSN, phone.. occasional visits.. I guess I'm living my 'single' life now... and it's even better at my age.. since I'm independant financially and emotionally... I do not need anyone full time to make me happy.. I'm happy on my own.. and I don't think that's possible when someone is young..
TogetherForever Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 mostly sad poeple with troubled relationships come here ,they are plenty of happy endings out there , its just you wont find them here because they busy happily living their lives . Is that why you're here?
tft Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 My MM left him M march 2008. Tough times followed. Found out last month they'd had some goodbye sex 2 months ago. No trust now (haha, he was a cheat, yes I know I should've expected it). Does that count as "working out"? As difficult as waiting it out during the A for the WS to choose what they want is, what comes after can be just as difficult as soul destroying.
howcouldInotknow Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I agree that most people who had affairs and they became legit are not here. Because people who are happy arent necessarily looking for answers because they aren't having issues that would require answers like those found here. i am a member of another forum this one dealing with ps and people are there looking for support and answers and once its done and its over and everything is good there arent any complications or problems they move on a disappear and only come back if a complication arises and i think that holds true for this forum as well. I know of 4 couples in my life who started out as an affair and are together today my dad and his OW being on of those couples.
OWoman Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Hey everyone. Just as I see myself ending my long struggle with moving on. It makes me wonder if any of these secret relationships ever actually work out? Please share, how you meet, the ups and downs and what it was that just won them over! Mine worked out just great - all of them, in fact. I always got what I wanted out of an A with an MM, whether it was great sex with no strings, or a happily-ever-after scenario. My H and I were never "secret" - only his W didn't know at the time, and when he told her, she didn't believe him anyway - but it certainly did work out for us.
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