In Deep

[AmberLove]

Hello Everyone, I am new here and need some objective advice from those who might want to assist.

I have been with the same man for 15 years. We married 3 years ago. He was always unusually close with his mother, she approved of everything he did, to an extreme, and resented me when I came into the picture. His father loved me and was a peter pan type. Mom ran the roost.

My husband begged me daily to marry him throughtout our relationship, I thought he'd be forever devoted. He's always been a good provider, but never held a job long. He's a loner with a sense of entitlement and never treated anyone but me very well. As soon as the ink was dry on the marriage certificate, he began to act as though he had been hog-tied. His love didn't seem to waiver, but he suddenly didn't like to extend the same courtesies to me as he always had, and I was pretty upset permanently from that point onward. One day he introduced me to a co-worker of his, and it seemed to be love at first sight for us(nothing either of us had ever experienced before). However, I remembered my vows, and this man and I stayed JUST friends on and off, and have, for the past 2 years. The man's wife left him for another, and they divorced 1.5 years ago. He could not forgive her when she tried to come back, as his morals are very high and cheating is just not in his vocabulary.

My friend and I have disagreed on and off for all this time about our feelings. We've not known what to do with the feelings, but at different times both thought is best to cease contact, which was mostly IM, the rest of the time by phone. We did not spend time alone together. My morals are pretty high too. He is a good person and I am as well.

So, during this past summer, my husband cheated on me with one of his employees, and did it on company property. He got caught, lost his job, lost our insurance, and although he is in counseling, he still has not been able to tell me why he did this to me, and to himself. I have been the model wife, faithful and true and a great companion and I love our home immensely, and we had quite a solid bond. It is now gone. I went numb when I found out, which incidentally, was by accident. Her husband had threatened him on his voicemail, and so he was forced to tell me the real reason he lost his job(originally, he had lied, saying the company was downsizing). I was devastated, gutted. I have not been able to get past this betrayal. I look at him and feel nothing, except for deep sadness.

Now for the complications....I had a back injury last year while jogging. I became unemployed due to it but am 90% healed at this point. I have a small income from an internet business. Nowhere near enough to live on alone. I keep an immaculate home and no ends are ever left hanging, even through this entire mess. When this whole thing went down, I was in such a state that I impulsively called the friend I had sent out of my life 6 months prior, and I broke down. I told him I had thought that getting him out of my life was best for my marriage at that time, and he said he had agreed. We had done the adult thing, and cut all contact, because it just didn't work as strictly friends, no matter how hard we tried. He is a wonderful, supportive person to all who know him. I needed to hear his voice and he was there for me.

So, the friend was furious when I told him my husband had cheated, and in such a risky way. I began talking to the friend a few times a week and he revealed that he had always loved me but had respected my marriage. He asked me not to stay with a man who would hurt me so coldly, stating that my husband would do it again if given the opportunity. But I am financially dependent ( husband is back to work, starting at bottom rung of a new ladder now). I need insurance and I have nowhere to go if I leave this man. I feel very trapped, and have seen a lawyer, who says that although we'd split things 50/50, after the debt, I might end up with 10K, and no insurance after the divorce. No home, no insurance...etc...so, my husband basically got to have a lover and still wins out in the end. Adultery means zilch these days, its no big deal to the courts, it seems.

I know this is long, but please bear with me..... So, the friend and I have grown very close, beyond anything we ever had previously. I realize that I have loved him all along too, after a month of conversation, but I feel that we both need to see each other....inside my heart I needed both of us to know if there could actually be anything real between us....and I do know, am well aware, that this could lead to me doing exactly what my husband did, but I can't seem to even feel guilt for what may be occuring.

Friend and I are going against our morals, and friend hesitates all over the place but it is inching forward anyway. We have seen each other twice, each time taking a long drive to talk and be in each other's company. No sex. Yet. We are so obviously in love its not funny. But he wants me to leave my husband for the 'right' reasons, and be on my own, before we get together---to do things 'properly'. I think he is slowly changing his mind, though, and we've been discussing the fact that I have nowhere to go and he has a house. I would do all I could to contribute to his home, but I cannot in good faith just move into his house without knowing if this would stand the test of time. I am not a leach or freeloader.

This is pretty much my husband's undoing of our lives. I have had counseling too, but the truth is, I am pretty sure I no longer love him. But I'm considering staying because he and I have a history and he says he needs me in his life. He is remorseful, but do you think its right for me to stay with him FOR HIM? And for financial reasons, as well? He did this, and to be honest, he told me that our marriage was perfect prior to this and he doesn't know why he cheated. In order for my friend and I to explore our feelings, we need to see each other, and I do not mean to sleep together, but to spend time in one another's company. I know it is wrong but neither of us seems to be able to stay away from each other. So right now I'm sharing a home with a man I don't love and would like to divorce, but I'm terrified that I will make a mistake and go in the wrong direction, at the same time.

So, there it is. I welcome any and all opinions....but please don't rant on me. I'm not condoning cheating but I'm feeling like since my husband's affair, all bets are off and all contracts null and void, if you know what I mean. I'm pretty deeply in love with a man who also loves me very deeply and is highly protective and devoted. We talk of having a good, solid life which would no longer be painful for each of us because what we have always had is built on a deep friendship and respect, but we do not have stars in our eyes, we know what we are in for if I start divorce proceedings. And...bottom line, I still have no income and nowhere to go. I am actively seeking work, so that I will feel more empowered financially.

Edited October 18, 2009 by AmberLove

[imagine]

Quit seeing OM. While you are married, the contract is valid.

 

Renew contact with OM a couple of months after divorce. Do not let this become an "exit affair". You may be lonely at this time and OM will force you to make the wrong decisions.

 

Just curious, why were you around so long before you got married?