tobias Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Been a few months since my last few posts about my being thrown into turmoil by my wifes infidelity,just thought id put an update on here. We,ve come on in leaps and bounds over the last few months and have become closer than we've ever been but the memory of that night when i found out is still etched onto my mind like an ugly tattoo. we seperated for two weeks after the event,went on a counseling session and it looked as though it was all over.my wife wanted to seperate for 6 months as she didnt feel we could work at it the way things were.this was the last thing i wanted and the pain i felt during this time was unbelievable.I managed to persuade her to go for a day out by the sea a few days later and somehow,i miraculously managed to spark something in her.i went down there resigned to the fact it was over,and tried with everything i had to be myself,although at the time i wasnt exactly sure what 'being myself' meant anymore,i was a wreck pretty much. anyway to cut a long story short,she realized that she didnt want to be without me and we started the long process of healing.she was upset about the mistake she had made and was prepared to do anything to show her love for me and to prove how sorry she was. Fast forward 4 months and like i said,things have been better than they ever were.we're moving away from this god foresaken place in a month or so and we're both excited about the future.thing is......i cant get that awful memory out of my mind .i dont think i ever will. the scumbag that she had a one night stand with still works at the same place although now in a different department.she is adament that she has had no contact with him and that she wants nothing to do with him.i found this hard to accept at first but now,i do believe her.its not 'making myself believe' i dunno,just thru her body language and the way she says it makes me think shes telling the truth.i like to think that after the hell ive been thru with all of this id be able to tell otherwise. I just wish i could erase the memory.although its getting slightly easier to deal with now,its been hard.its caused me problems in the bedroom ie not being able to rise to the occasion,ive been paranoid,checking her cell phone obsessively etc.the people at her work wanna throw her a leaving bash and now,ive started panicking about that.from the way things have been im certain i can trust her but its that little niggling voice that always comes up and says 'what if'. she hasnt been to any works parties since that awful night and says she doesnt wanna go on this one outta respect for me.She tells me that all she ever wanted was her family,my son and i,and now she has that back again she isnt interested in partying with work people anymore.(i was distant before all this,that kinda led to what happened.she felt i wasnt there there for her or our son)but i know deep down she'd like to go to this one,after all she has some good girlfriends there and she'll prob never see them again.I would never tell her not to go,im not into controlling my wife so therefore,i want her to go but im hesitant about the 'what if' element.the douche bag will probably be there,she says he wont but hey..is he gonna stay away because of me?i know where the ******* lives and how ive stopped myself from going round there and smacking him one i'll never know.i wish i could get rid of this feeling,im hoping it'll ease once we leave.i wouldnt have these worries with a different crowd of people. You might be saying why put yourself thru this,i do myself.the bottom line is tho,i love her.apart from the last two years when things went bad we've always been amazing together and the fact that the last few months have been even more so,i know that what we have is worth fighting for.i know my wife feels the same. infidelity sucks.
imagine Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 At approximately six months from D-day you will probably become very angry. You need to be aware of it as does she. This is when your "taker" element kicks in an your recovery can well be slowed. The very best for you recovery. Remember to clear out any triggers. Eg. present from OM, places that they went to etc.
allhopelost Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 i know that what we have is worth fighting for.i know my wife feels the same. infidelity sucks. Amen brother....
road Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 tobias A WW can never be allowed to work for the same company as the OM. Even a transfer can not guarantee NC. So it is good that you are moving away. This move will help give a boost to you and your WW on recovery.
FreezorBurn Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 (edited) I feel your pain. I am 4 months out and I don't know if we can make it. She is ok and begs me to move on with our lives together. Then I think about all the lying and that little miget scumbag and how stupid she was. I just want to grab all her **** and throw it out of the house. Change the locks and put a note on the front door telling her to get lost. Edited October 18, 2009 by FreezorBurn
Church Bells Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 tobias, Congratulations on the move ... its a VERY positive step. As for the office "going away party" ... in REALITY its TEST TIME for your WW. You're right ... you can't and shouldn't have to control her ... let her make her own decisions based on the amount of RESPECT she has for YOU. ON HER OWN ... she should give notice that she will not be attending any such party, KNOWING that it causes you concern. If she goes to the party anyway, despite your reservations, then you know where you stand on her priority list, and should move on with your life SEPERATELY. REMEMBER ... ACTIONS are more powerful than WORDS. Use the information provided by her ACTIONS wisely to live a good life in the future.
seibert253 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 If she goes to this party knowing you wish she did not, shows where you are on the priority list. I'm sorry honey, I do not feel at ease with you going to this event. I'm not going to stop you but I will be very disappointed if you do go. What's more important, her marriage, or a party at work. If it's the latter, you've got real problems.
howcouldInotknow Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 i tend to disagree with everyone on the whole party thing. If she cannot be in the same place with him and not get the urge to cheat then there was no progress. These are people she has worked with for probably years and they would like to have a going away party let her go say goodbye and then move on with your lives.
Church Bells Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 i tend to disagree with everyone on the whole party thing. If she cannot be in the same place with him and not get the urge to cheat then there was no progress. These are people she has worked with for probably years and they would like to have a going away party let her go say goodbye and then move on with your lives. I think you're missing the point ... IMO, she should not WANT to go, KNOWING that it will cause her BH more distress. Whether this party is innocent or not ... the fact that she would continue to disregard her BH's feelings would go a long way towards defining her true character. I am a firm believer in NO CONTACT for LIFE ... PERIOD!!! If she doesn't care enough for her BH, than to keep rubbing his nose in her A with continued contact, then she is probably truly not worthy of his love for her and he should cut his losses.
seibert253 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I think you're missing the point ... IMO, she should not WANT to go, KNOWING that it will cause her BH more distress. Whether this party is innocent or not ... the fact that she would continue to disregard her BH's feelings would go a long way towards defining her true character. I am a firm believer in NO CONTACT for LIFE ... PERIOD!!! If she doesn't care enough for her BH, than to keep rubbing his nose in her A with continued contact, then she is probably truly not worthy of his love for her and he should cut his losses. Totally agree. My FWW worked with OM. I gave her two options, (and suprisedly our MC agreed with this), either she, or him had to change jobs. BTW, I actually helped in that process. Went to the head of HR at my wife's firm, told him what happened and my intent to pursue civil action unless something was done, out the door he went. The OM was a supervisor, though not in my FWW's department. Didn't matter. They actually were looking for a reason to replace him I later learned. Matter of fact, my wife was happy because she really loved her job.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 seibert - you actually had the OM fired? im sorry, please dont be offended but this is ridiculous. your issue was with your wife, not him. either she should have left or if she was unwilling then you could take it up with her. but to take away someones ability to provide for themselves, thats just a low blow. i hope he didnt have children to provide for. (and please, this is not just against you, just situations like this in general) and yes. i have personal interest in this subject as my AP is a coworker.
howcouldInotknow Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 seibert - you actually had the OM fired? im sorry, please dont be offended but this is ridiculous. your issue was with your wife, not him. either she should have left or if she was unwilling then you could take it up with her. but to take away someones ability to provide for themselves, thats just a low blow. i hope he didnt have children to provide for. (and please, this is not just against you, just situations like this in general) and yes. i have personal interest in this subject as my AP is a coworker. I agree with you 100%. Also it seems a lot of repairing after a relationship after an affair depends on a principle similar to out of sight, out of mind. I dont know if I agree with that. And as for her not wanting to go to the party was her AP the only friend she had at work? Also infedelity is something very personal is it really necessary to put it all out there for everyone. But at the same time everyone has a different ideas on how to deal with infedelity
Author tobias Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 Its a tough one,i dunno how to handle it really.No more has been said about it so i think im just gonna wait untill it comes up again.I kind of agree with the whole 'she shouldnt go outta respect as she knows how it'll make me feel' thing and so far,this is exactly what she has said about it.but i also understand the fact that she has got some close friends there who she thinks a lot of and if she couldnt see the douche bag without having the urge to cheat with him then no progress has been made.I really do sense that she is being genuine when she tells me that she wants nothing to do with him.she practically shudders whenever the subject of her one nite stand comes up and just her body language etc..is totally different to how it was when she was covering her feelings for him previously. i'd hate for her to miss out on saying goodbye because of my insecurities (even though it was her infidelity that has caused it) but on the other hand,i dont think i could handle another night of worrying if she did go. This is how d day happened.She was invited to a works party and i already had my suspicions something was going on with this scumbag.she came clean and said to me,look hes going to be there but hes just a friend,i dont like him in that way etc...but i wont go if you dont want me to.i couldnt work out if i was being paranoid or looking into stuff to deeply so reluctantly i was like,yeah go if you want to,whilst the whole time deep down i was worried senseless. to cut a long story short,something did happen and she stayed with him that nite.nice. Like i said earlier,we've come a long way since then...we've had counselling and she has admitted it was a 'horrible,horrible dirty mistake".we've talked it over and over and the changes we have made are amazing.she is a completely different person now and it really feels like i have the woman i married back again.This whole episode has been the worst experience of my life but its made me take a long hard look at myself also.over the last 2 years ive been a **** husband pretty much,chasing a stupid dream that didnt end up going anywhere.my so called career was the top of my priority list and i didnt really have the time to be there for my wife....terrible isnt it.we had a few crisis's in that time and when my wife tearfully wanted to talk things thru and gain some comfort from me,i totally wasnt there for her.i cringe when i think back to how i was and how the warning signs where there.i was to far up my own ass to see it. Ok she didnt have to cheat on me....she coulda told this guy where to go (they confessed feelings for each other initially but 'agreed' it couldnt go anywhere due to her being married) and then told me how close things were to the end of us.i dont condone the cheating but at the sametime,i know i had a part to play in our meltdown.If it had happened whilst we were in a good place in our marriage then it wouldve been a different story altogether....i probably would have walked. She has said and done pretty much everything you would expect for someone who feels genuine remorse and wants nothing more than to make it up to me.we have some nice plans for the future and she gets really excited when we talk about them. Im rambling so im gonna go now....i guess the bottom line is,i dont want that disgusting piece of **** within two feet of her,especially on a social occasion.she understands this and i think that she will turn the party down...i hope,thats what i want to happen.if she says its up to me,then i'll have to say im uncomfortable with it but if you wanna go,then go.i spose at least i'll know where i stand.arrrrrrrgh its a nightmare,i just cant wait to leave this damn place.
road Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 " i think that she will turn the party down...i hope,thats what i want to happen.if she says its up to me,then i'll have to say im uncomfortable with it but if you wanna go,then go." History repeats itself and your willing to let WW go to party with the OM. OM will be there, then she is partying with him. NC must be forever. WW must find a new job and new friends that are not friends with the OM. WW will never come out of the fog because there will always be contact with the OM. This is why affairs restart. You won't respect yourself. So why should your WW respect you?
jnj express Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 There is another solution to the party problem, since it is a going away party, many times family of the person who is leaving are invited to the party. Tell her to go to the party but she needs to let the party organizers know that you her husband will be attending with her. If she is truly remorseful, and working on R. this will work, and do not let her see other man to make sure she is over him, NC means NC plain and simple.
Church Bells Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 " i think that she will turn the party down...i hope,thats what i want to happen.if she says its up to me,then i'll have to say im uncomfortable with it but if you wanna go,then go." History repeats itself and your willing to let WW go to party with the OM. OM will be there, then she is partying with him. NC must be forever. WW must find a new job and new friends that are not friends with the OM. WW will never come out of the fog because there will always be contact with the OM. This is why affairs restart. You won't respect yourself. So why should your WW respect you? I gotta agree with road here. We all make mistakes we wish we could "do over" ... well, you now have the same opportunity to say "NO", but you are going to give the same answer that got you in trouble before. DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM YOUR PREVIOUS ERROR??? It is also VERY possible that your W would LOVE to hear you stand up for her and say "HELL NO, you are my WIFE and I will not stand by while you go to ANOTHER social event with this POS". In all honesty, THAT would be a BOUNDARY for me, if I were you: "I will NOT remain in a M, where my W maintains ANY type of contact with OM". In general, men will defer to their wives, but after an episode of infidelity, then MEN have to man-up and grow a pair as big as CHURCH BELLS (hence the user-name) to protect themselves and their marriages. The WHOLE dynamic of your M will have to change from where it was to survive your W's infidelity.
Author tobias Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 Thanks for your input guys....given me the advice i was wanting to hear pretty much. The big concern for me was that i would indeed be making the same mistake twice.I know things have changed for the better but why put myself thru all that again?women like their men to be men so im gonna act like one and say my piece.If she doesnt understand where im coming from then so be it.
eddie_d_2000 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Thanks for your input guys....given me the advice i was wanting to hear pretty much. The big concern for me was that i would indeed be making the same mistake twice.I know things have changed for the better but why put myself thru all that again?women like their men to be men so im gonna act like one and say my piece.If she doesnt understand where im coming from then so be it. Tobias, I fully understand what you are going thru, it has been a little over 2 months since I found about about my wife having an affair with a man on the other side of the country she met through facebook, I was devastated. I am just glad to see somebody else on here with a positive outcome. I too have never been closer to my wife than at this point, its hard to explain and this site is my only place to really talk about it. So far things are great but I too have that little thing in the back of my mind that comes up just every once in a while that makes me keep an eye on her, it gets easier and easier with time but I don't know if it will ever completely go away.
Skump Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 you actually had the OM fired? im sorry, please dont be offended but this is ridiculous. your issue was with your wife, not him. FWIW, as a boss, I'd fire any employee on the spot whom I discovered to be involved in an affair with someone married. I wouldn't want that kind of person working for me. What happens when some other ethical/contract issue conflicts with his selfish desires? Perhaps next time the impropriety will be faking corporate report data. Of course... the same logic would apply to the OP's wife...
seibert253 Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 seibert - you actually had the OM fired? im sorry, please dont be offended but this is ridiculous. your issue was with your wife, not him. either she should have left or if she was unwilling then you could take it up with her. but to take away someones ability to provide for themselves, thats just a low blow. i hope he didnt have children to provide for. (and please, this is not just against you, just situations like this in general) and yes. i have personal interest in this subject as my AP is a coworker. Revenge is a dish best served ICE COLD. No offense taken Browneyed, I love most of your posts, they are very thoughtful and well articulated. But on this issue I guess we'll have to disagree. See I was in a war, a war for my marriage. In war you don't fight fair, you fight to win. I actually felt sorry the OM was canned, but you know what, he brought that upon himself. I just merely brought it to the attention of his superiors. They in turn valued my wife's employment more than his. What happened to the OM? Don't know, and don't care. My marriage survived and continues today, stronger than ever. See, Sh#t can turn into gold. Peace,
Author tobias Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 (edited) well...the subject of the party came up.somebody posted something like when is the party on FB...I left it for a day or two then mentioned it.she got a bit annoyed when i said i wasnt happy about it,we had a bit of a quarrel with her saying things like im under pressure from them to go,under pressure from you not to go etc..then im worried about the move,are you gonna be like this about me going out in the new town blah blah. was pretty gutted really,she did however say that she wouldnt go against me and therefore wouldnt go to the party,her marriage is more important than some works party.she said she can understand why i feel the way i do and its her fault im like this and that she has to accept the consequences of what she did etc. i went off to work,came home that afternoon and she had calmed down,apologised.reiterated that there was no way she was gonna go and that she loves me more than anything and would never hurt me again etc.. we had a nice day together in the end.we do most of the time.this whole episode has set the paranoia machine in overdrive again...driving me nuts.i cant for the life of me think why she would cheat with this douchebag again...i mean shes excited about moving away,keeps talking about our great future together and has carried on being loving and affectionate (which she wasnt doing for a long time previous to d day) its just that the ******* still works with her,she says she hasnt worked with,spoken to him since but i dunno....my mind has started going on overtime with the what ifs.i dunno if im convincing myself somethings goig on or whether there actually is and shes being more careful.a lot of our marriage issues have been talked about and resolved and she keeps telling me how different things are to what they were,how happy she now is and also how guilty she feels about what she did.i can see why it couldve happened the way we were before but now...i cant think of a reason why she would carry on cheating...unless its for sex but i know her and am certain it wouldnt be for that. if i bring the work party thing up now she refuses to talk about it anymore,along with what happened with him...she refuses to talk about it.I dunno whether its because she really does just wanna move on and put it in the past or whether shes hiding something..... nightmare! Edited November 12, 2009 by tobias
65tr6 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 its just that the ******* still works with her,she says she hasnt worked with,spoken to him since but i dunno! if i bring the work party thing up now she refuses to talk about it anymore,along with what happened with him...she refuses to talk about it.I dunno whether its because she really does just wanna move on and put it in the past or whether shes hiding something..... You can NOT recover your marriage when she continues to see the OM at work. She needs to quit her job or you will have to call HR and expose the OM. If both get fired so be it. Why does she not want to talk about the party ?
Author tobias Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 I dunno....this is what i cant work out.gonna ask her tonite. we leave this place in 4 weeks.....she has a new job lined up,we're going to look at flats in the new town this w/e....shes really excited about it. despite that im thinkin all kinds of crap like...maybe she wants one last fling before she goes,maybe hes told her he really wants to be with her etc..i dunno if im going into overdrive cos we're so close to getting away?things have been great between us i cant think of a reason why she'd do it to me again,ok shes done it once but on the whole shes a good person...i know shes mortified about what happened..she knows how hurt ive been by all this...why would she do it again??
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