kimflute26 Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 (edited) I really didn't know where to post this... but I guess this is *sort of* the right place. Basically, LIFE in general is getting me down pretty bad... I'm a junior in college and just transferred to a new university a couple months ago. It's been a very difficult transition. I remember the first week I was here I wanted to go back to my other school... This place has over 50,000 students compared to my old 2,500 student school.. I was totally overwhelmed and could hardly find my way around. Then on the last class day of the first week I met a guy by the bus stop and ended up falling for him. Unfortunately I tend to fall HARD for every person I've ever liked... and this guy was no exception. I pined for him constantly for 2 months and somewhere in between all that time I told him my feelings. He basically told me politely that he felt we wouldn't be good together, but I continued to like him and thought maybe he would like me once we got to know each other better. I think I felt that way because he and I have so much in common... we have a ton of the same interests and I've noticed a lot of similarities in our personalities... but anyway... One night I gathered from his facebook status that he was staying up really late doing work. I figured I'd text him and offer my company since he seemed pretty bored (he was posting a lot of status updates). He told me I could come over and hang out, so I did. He finished up some work and eventually after talking and just chilling out for a bit we decided to get some sleep. We had this bright idea to try and sleep in the same bed (lol) and in the end... that didn't work. I got close to him, he got turned on and initiated the hookup. After it was over one of the first things he said was "I really hope we can get to know each other as friends".... For the rest of that day I felt sort of high off of the experience... but that only lasted until around the next day when reality set in that it was going to be a one time thing, and nothing would actually come of it. I had serious feelings for the guy which made it all even harder. We texted back and forth for a bit.. He was telling me that he really didn't want me to get hurt and that he only wanted a friendship with me, and he was sorry that he didn't control himself better that night. He said we could still hang out as long as friendship was the priority. Finally he told me very frankly that the reason he didn't see a relationship with me was because our personalities don't mesh well enough... I immediately felt pretty emotional because before that moment I only speculated his reason for not wanting to be with me. I thought maybe it was because he wasn't ready for a serious relationship or maybe we hadn't gotten to know each other well enough yet... But now that the real truth was right in front of me I felt horrible. In the midst of all my emotional turmoil I thought that maybe if he hated me I could actually get over it. So I sent one text that I really shouldn't have. One part of it said, "I guess you tend to go for girls who will dump you for their ex boyfriends, girls who dont know what they want" because when I first met him he told me that both his exes dumped him for their ex-boyfriends. I dont even think I meant for that to be insulting... It was sort of a "Cant you see you're going for the wrong people and you should realize that" type of thing... but I know it was probably taken to be insulting... I wrote another text basically telling him that I didnt want to hurt him at all and the only reason I said that stuff was because I was hurting and didn't know how to deal with it. Before that bad text he was telling me that we should hang out more often and try to get to know each other as friends... but I'm worried that maybe I messed things up completely. Later I sent him this over facebook: "I just want to apologize for one or two texts I sent you a couple days ago that were a bit... psycho? Lol but really... I really wish I could erase them at this point. But since I can't... let me just say that I hadn't been with anyone outside of a relationship before so it was a weird situation for me, and that came out too strongly in my texting. If I said anything that hurt you please know that I'm SO sorry and I didn't mean it. I know that before I sent one of those texts you were saying that we should hang out more often and stuff, and try to be friends... I'm hoping I didn't totally mess up a potential friendship with those stupid texts. Again, I'm really sorry and I hope you'll forgive me at some point :(" Think that might work? I honestly am hoping I can form a friendship type thing with this person (bad idea?)... We were getting to know each other gradually as friends before the hookup and I know I'll be seeing him around... I see him about every other day near the bus stops and we live very close to each other in the same apartment complex. I regret a couple of the emotionally charged texts that I sent, but I'm hoping he can see past them and realize that this was my first experience with someone outside of a relationship, and I honestly didn't quite know what I was saying or how to properly deal with it. Aside from the whole mess with this guy, I just had a guy friend tell me the other day that he thought "we had moved too fast in our friendship." I swear, now I've heard everything! We haven't talked since. :/ If any of you have similar experiences... or if you just feel like venting tonight please send me a message with your facebook or AIM screen name or something.... we can vent together! lol Edited October 18, 2009 by kimflute26
NoneoftheAbove Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 i dont think the rules allows us to share emails or facebook names.
Author kimflute26 Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 Ugh, rules. Well then we can talk here! I'm not doing anything tonight :/. Anyone else in college with nothing to do tonight?
NoneoftheAbove Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Ugh, rules. Well then we can talk here! I'm not doing anything tonight :/. Anyone else in college with nothing to do tonight? Im at home, drinking my coffee and smoking cigarettes oh and listening to my fav music video i ll share it with you. What are you doing?
Angel1111 Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 I'm sorry you're hurting. The problem is, you're way too agressive where men are concerned and until you figure out that this is going to burn you every time you do it, it'll keep happening. Stop 'facebook stalking' guys and trying to take care of them when you think they're bored or lonely. Believe me, when a guy is interested and he's bored or lonely, he knows how to dial the phone. Your actions toward men scream 'needy!' and they lose respect for you very quickly. The best thing you can do at this point is to just lay low and stop making remarks that you end up apologizing for. It makes you seem very uncentered, and in fact, you actually are. Instead of seeing a guy as your savior in a place that's big and unfamiliar to you, why not see it for all the joy it must be. I had a friend who went to a small college and he absolutely hated it. It's all in your perspective and how you want to interpret your experience. Hey, you're in college, you've got a beautiful life ahead of you, you'll always be able to take care of yourself and, yes, you absolutely will find true love some day. So what's the rush? What's all the desperation about? Stop chasing after guys, stop making suggestions about being with them. Let the guy come to you. And by all means, stop focusing on all these negative things you're focusing on. You do realize that every time you do that, you're just creating more of that. Learn to love where you are - it's an adventure, it's beautiful, it'll never be repeated in your life again. Enjoy it and let life bring you more beautiful things.
DSM2709 Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Kimflute26, I am sort of in the same boat as you. I met this woman on a dating site and we went out a few times and after the 3rd date we "hooked up", I decided to ask her to join me for a little weekend trip, to which she did. Well she must have taken the "hooking up" as a committment guarantee, but I later explained that I was not ready to jump into anything serious at the moment. She then put the brakes on with the "hooking up". She also got very emotional with me a couple of times. This woman is really nice, but I think she has some issues, so I'm taking it very slow with her. I want to be careful here. I think maybe you should take a step back, and see where things go with this guy. If nothing comes of it, take it as a learning experience. As I've been told by my friends, there is an abundance of people out there, so be patient with it. Best of luck.
Author kimflute26 Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 Thanks everyone. Angel, thanks so much for your response! I actually think you are 100% correct and your post was quite beautiful! "Learn to love where you are - it's an adventure, it's beautiful, it'll never be repeated in your life again. Enjoy it and let life bring you more beautiful things." I LOVE that quote! Noneoftheabove, thanks for the video. Right now I'm in my room trying to keep my head up.
NoneoftheAbove Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 You should never put your head down. Always keep it up. Turn your face to the sun, and the shadows will fall behind.
Avarage Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 I agree that you jumped way too quickly into looking for a guy to save you. From the way you described it, you saw this guy and decided he was the one. 'Course I could be wrong, but if that's similar to what happened then you got attached way to quickly. I wonder if maybe subconsciously you wanted to use this guy as a way to fit in and find a social circle so quick. It's not bad to feel uncomfortable but being in a relationship won't drive loneliness away. That type of relationship is toxic and you'll end up just looking extremely clingy. As for having a friendship I would very strongly advise against anything of the sort with this guy. You’re clearly interested in him and he's said no. I would say you need to do some no contact so that you can distance yourself from those feelings and focus on sorting yourself out. After you've got that situated then I would consider trying to maintain a friendship. Although usually things turn awkward for one party and these don't always work out. Isn't uni stressful enough without all this stuff anyways? I'm in my last year and can barely think about a gf now with the worry of finding a job afterward later anyways. Well time for me to clean up and hit the hay.
Author kimflute26 Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 Thanks Avarage, thats pretty spot on. I think you guys are pretty much right on all of this. I came here feelings pretty unstable about this transition... I forgot to add that my 2 year relationship just recently ended, so a lot of things have happened in my life to "rock the boat" so to speak. I agree that I need to stop being the pursuer and just focus on doing things that make myself happy for a while.
NoneoftheAbove Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Im glad you made some progress kim, learn from your mistakes as we all have to. I just wanted to underline one thing you mentioned. You said " I need to stop being the pursuer and just focus on doing things that make myself happy for a while" dont do it for awhile or you will end up at square one. Keep thinking about your future, don't look back.
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