confusedinky Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 I've been lurking here for a few months and things finally went nuts yesterday, so I am posting. Story is married for 10 years 2 kids (8 and 4) been together for 15 years. While I was finishing up my MBA back in March wife starts feeling "neglected" (even though she pushed me into doing it) and starts an emotional affair with an old boyfriend she hooks up with on Facebook he lives about 2 hours away. She tells me she is contact with the guy to "be upfront" about it but says it's no big deal they are just friends. I don't worry about it because I trust her and again am really focused on finishing up my school (oh yeah and I started a new job about that time). One day I am looking at the cell bill and she and this guy have over 600 texts going back and forth so I confront her and immediately drag her to therapy. First therapist sucks so we find a second one who tells her she has to cut off all contact. She says she does... all this time still telling me she is no longer "in love" with me and I have neglected her for too long. Yesterday before therapy I am looking through her computer (which I hadn't done in months) and find a deleted pic of the guy at a concert she went to back home without me a couple of weeks ago. Confront her at therapy says she still is in contact has been lying to me and the therapist about it. I finally say so.... have you slept with him?! No answer (which of course is the answer), I storm out of therapy and head to a hotel last night. When I come home in the AM she basically tells me the affair is my fault, I drove her to it, then she heads off to work. Tonight her father is in town and she wants me to pretend like everything is fine.... wants me to sleep in the same bed with her, I don't know if I can.... she's walking around now all cheerful and it's making me sick.
mark982 Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 sounds to me like the perfet time to expose her little affair. she wouldn't want daddy to think his little babys ho-ing now would she? who cares if she pizzed off,she's sure not worried about you,or your feelings.
tojaz Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 What do YOU want? Is the marriage over or do you still hope to reconcile? If not, I'm with Mark. If so, perfect time to find out what SHE wants and to show her some of the cosequences of her actions. TOJAZ
Aksion Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 My thoughts are this. If I KNEW my wife had slept with another, there is no way in hell I could ever want anything at all to do with her ever again. Hell, I don't know what she is doing and don't wantto know because I know there is at the least an EA with OM involved and don't want her back at this point. You're letting your past emotions for her get the better of you. I know it's going to be hard -- I'm going through everything I'm saying to you right now and I'm not doing well at all, but she's broken all trust you should have in a marriage. I know you love her...I love my stbxw also, but there's a line one can't cross w/o you just saying "F*** THAT B****!!".
Author confusedinky Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 What do YOU want? Is the marriage over or do you still hope to reconcile? If not, I'm with Mark. If so, perfect time to find out what SHE wants and to show her some of the cosequences of her actions. TOJAZ That's the problem, I am not sure.... I have 2 great kids that don't deserve this, at the sametime I am so pissed I can't even look at her and don't think I'll ever be able to forgive or forget. On the other hand I just found out yesterday and don't want to make a rash decision.... both of her parents are currently single and have 5 marriages between them.. my folks have been married for 45 years... she doesn't know what the "f" she's doing.
Author confusedinky Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 My thoughts are this. If I KNEW my wife had slept with another, there is no way in hell I could ever want anything at all to do with her ever again. Hell, I don't know what she is doing and don't wantto know because I know there is at the least an EA with OM involved and don't want her back at this point. You're letting your past emotions for her get the better of you. I know it's going to be hard -- I'm going through everything I'm saying to you right now and I'm not doing well at all, but she's broken all trust you should have in a marriage. I know you love her...I love my stbxw also, but there's a line one can't cross w/o you just saying "F*** THAT B****!!". Trust me that's where I am right now... told her to go sleep in the basement... I think her cheating butt ought to move out not me... don't know why it's always the guy who has to leave. That being said I am trying to not make rash moves here.
mark982 Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 confuse,there's no way in hell you should be the one to move out! so can that idea, but i sure as all hell wouldn't be acting all lovey-dovey just cause her dads there. actually i'd be making her nervous as heck. but i do love you tossing her azz to the basement.
2sunny Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 tell her dad! no pretending for her benefit. she created this situation - let her deal with the reality she's created.
Author confusedinky Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 tell her dad! no pretending for her benefit. she created this situation - let her deal with the reality she's created. Not sure if I agree with her but our therapist says not to tell anyone about the affair (that's part of the reason I am posting here... need to tell someone!)... Her theory is it makes me look and feel weak and inadequate and obviously doesn't help my wife's reputation. Again this is soooo new I am trying to not do anything I can't take back (unlike what she has done). I also would bet a million bucks her dad has been unfaithful in the past so it might not have the impact I would like.
Aksion Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 tell her dad! no pretending for her benefit. she created this situation - let her deal with the reality she's created. What?! Really? So you'd go the route of 'Ooooo I'm telling?'?! What the hell is that gonna do for anybody in that situation? Granted you have children together and I don't in my situation, but one of you needs to get out of that house. My parents seperated for over a year, and my father left for the entire time, yet they continued to work on their marriage and eventually got back together, and have been together ever since. I know you need to look strong for your children, but something has to give. You can't be unhappy in your marriage/life -- its not good for anyone. She's cheated on you, yet she wants you to pretend like everything is ok? You're a better man than I am for not losing it already.
lkjh Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 If you hide this affair she will continue to disrespect you and it will continue. If you man up now and stand your ground you will be saving a lot of time. Demand not ask but demand she goes NC with the guy and expose it to her father and if the om is married, tell his wife
2sunny Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 If you hide this affair she will continue to disrespect you and it will continue. If you man up now and stand your ground you will be saving a lot of time. Demand not ask but demand she goes NC with the guy and expose it to her father and if the om is married, tell his wife yep, it's about being unwilling to pretend. especially for her benefit when she cheated. to pretend is to lie and cover up for her. i TOTALLY disagree with the therapist. stop pretending, no matter how Dad reacts - your wife will know that you aren't going to be manipulated by her bad behavior. she should be the one to own it - and repair it, if that's possible...
imagine Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 I have serious doubt about your therapist. It is up to you whether you want to expose the affair (and I would) but not telling gives her an opportunity to carry on the affair. Do not worry what she is telling you. Unfaithfulness lies squarely at her doorstep. She is foggy at his time and shifting blame is SO very common amongst cheaters. Exposure will temperarily drive her mad, but she will get over it and thank you for it. Do not make marriage decisions immediately. Delay a couple of weeks. Make and informed decision not an emotional one. I advise you to Google Marriage Builders and read their articles. Particularly Plan A and Plan B. I seriously advise you to put away all anger and emotion. IT HAS MORE EFFECT ON THE WAYWARD. Do not argue, merely take notes. Keep in constant touch. Most especially to vent here and not at her.
tojaz Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 That's the problem, I am not sure.... I have 2 great kids that don't deserve this, at the sametime I am so pissed I can't even look at her and don't think I'll ever be able to forgive or forget. On the other hand I just found out yesterday and don't want to make a rash decision.... both of her parents are currently single and have 5 marriages between them.. my folks have been married for 45 years... she doesn't know what the "f" she's doing. Agreed. Exposure is up to you, If I wanted to reconcile i don't think I would just yet, but i also would not help her deceive her father. It's bad enough she cheated, I'm sure as hell not going to help her do it! Take some time to calm down and figure out what you want, then let us know. Marriages can and do survive infidelity, but it is something you will live with for the rest of your life. TOJAZ
Author confusedinky Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 (edited) Thanks folks, it is nice to have a place to talk about this stuff... the only one I have confided in is my brother and I don't want to wear him out. Pretty much all of our friends are old and mutual so you know.... We got into to it a little this AM told me getting angry was a great way too go, really good for the harmony of the home. I reminder her it was her decision to do what she did, I guess her father as been asking what's going on so there is some heat there, she still is saying I drove her to it. In fairness I have not been a perfect husband, I know I am not always in tune with her needs etc.... but am willing to work and learn. We have a funeral to go to today (really sad story, friends 4 yo after a bone marrow transplant), I just am going to focus on our friends today and put my own grief aside. Edited October 18, 2009 by confusedinky
mark982 Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 don't let her throw that crap,that it was your fault. that's what all cheating spouses say. if it wasn't working just leave,her decision to spread her legs is totally on her,only reason she's doing this it to justify her actions---don't fall for it.
cyabye Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 I wouldn't do a DARN thing for her. I would tell her FINE! IT'S ALL MY FAULT and make her leave. I would cut all contact with her and I would politely tell her dad that her daughter is now homeless and he needs to collect her and her things. Let her tell him why. I wouldn't say another word to her and file divorce if you can afford to. I would let my lawyer do all the talking from this point forward. Let me be clear by saying this. You cannot reason with her at this point so don't try. Cold hearted silence on your part would be the most beneficial. Where is your anger? It would be a moot point to tell him anything as blood is thicker than water and he will side with her even when she is clearly in the wrong. At this point there is NO chance for reconciliation. Keep posting. cyabye
lkjh Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 She is simply guilt shifting, do not let her call the shots. Expose her now and man up or else she will be in charge and next thing you know you will be asking her to forgive you for the affair.
Author confusedinky Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 I wouldn't do a DARN thing for her. I would tell her FINE! IT'S ALL MY FAULT and make her leave. I would cut all contact with her and I would politely tell her dad that her daughter is now homeless and he needs to collect her and her things. Let her tell him why. I wouldn't say another word to her and file divorce if you can afford to. I would let my lawyer do all the talking from this point forward. Let me be clear by saying this. You cannot reason with her at this point so don't try. Cold hearted silence on your part would be the most beneficial. Where is your anger? It would be a moot point to tell him anything as blood is thicker than water and he will side with her even when she is clearly in the wrong. At this point there is NO chance for reconciliation. Keep posting. cyabye I am beyond reasoning with her... I think she's had some sort of mental break (don't want to go into detail but she's had some crazy stuff happen just never expected to get caught in the crossfire). I am a very even keeled rational person, work very hard not to let emotions guide my decisions (she as actually said I am too even keeled it's a negative to her). It makes me seem robotic sometimes but emotions don't allow for clear decisions and that's what I need to make right now... will my marriage last? I doubt it, but I have to let the emotions subside so I am doing the right thing for my kids. This afternoon she apologized to me for blaming me... said I was acting the way a normal person would, is confused (and quite frankly nuts), says she is no longer in contact with the OM (do I believe her??? nope)... have a therapy session set for Tuesday, I think I am going to let sleeping dogs lie for a day.
lkjh Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 being passive is a huge mistake, it will screw you in the end
imagine Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 OK. She got you into doing the MBA. Was she pushy? If you divorce when the MBA starts earning, alimony will be much higher. Seriously, is this woman worth fighting for?
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