kis Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 I have a co-worker who started flirting with me very strongly. We are both Married. Telling me how beautiful i was and I felt very pursued. I was very flattered because he was much younger than me. He was 38. I was 45. Before long i did begin to have feeling for him. We became great freinds also. Able to tell each other secrets and share funny stories. Finally after more than a year I decided I wanted to pursue a romatic relationship with him and quess what. He said no. What is up with that?
Bryanp Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Just curious but would you have any problem with your hubby engaging in the same type of behavior as you? He probably turned you down because he felt the risk and consequences of destroying his marriage was too great to simply engage in a selfish affair. Maybe he did not wish to hurt your husband and family as well.
Author kis Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 My husband has cheated on me several times and is lucky i am still with him. I would still never want him to know and be hurt. But it takes away the guilt for me.
norajane Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 He was just flirting, because he enjoyed that you flirted back. It was fun for him and made him feel good. But he wasn't flirting with intent - he never intended to get take it beyond flirtation and friendship. Consider it a blessing that he turned you down. You already sound like you are really into him. Had he taken you up on your offer, you'd have totally fallen in love and gotten yourself in so deep that your already shaky marriage would fall apart and your whole life would become about: why won't he leave his wife for me?
imagine Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Hi Kis, Historically, married men are less likely to leave their spouse as do married women. Flirting is wrong between married folk. Don't fall down the trap that your husband did. Either work on your marriage or get out. Justifying your actions is a common condition for waywards. It sounds like you are not satisfied with your own marriage. Perhaps it needs evaluation. I suspect that your husband is NOT meeting your emotional needs. Maybe this condition is reciprocated. Google the articles In Marriage Builders and reevaluate your present relationship. All the best!
TheLoneSock Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 I have a co-worker who started flirting with me very strongly. We are both Married. Telling me how beautiful i was and I felt very pursued. I was very flattered because he was much younger than me. He was 38. I was 45. Before long i did begin to have feeling for him. We became great freinds also. Able to tell each other secrets and share funny stories. Finally after more than a year I decided I wanted to pursue a romatic relationship with him and quess what. He said no. What is up with that? Do you really need to ask why? You may be willing to break your vows, but clearly he isn't. GOOD for him.
Devil Inside Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 He enjoyed the relationship as it existed. Flirting...feeding each others egos...the sexual tension. When you changed that by proposing more the dynamic changed...it did not appeal to him. Well that...or..he snapped back into reality and realized this was an emotional affair that was about to cross the line into a physical affair. I have had an affair. Let me tell you..it is a painful process. I think that him turning you down was a good thing in the long run. Sure it hurts. It hurts whenever we are rejected. However, maybe there is something good that can come of this. Use this as a wake up call to your situation in life. You are married to a man that has cheated on you several times. You are obviously unhappy, or else you would not have been so open to an affair with this other man. Now that you do not have the option of the affair to distract you from what is going on in your marriage turn your focus there. are you ok with how things are? If not...can you do anything to change that?
Angel1111 Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 maybe he has morals Obviously, this was serious flirting. If his morals were that intact, he wouldn't have taken things to the point where a woman was certain that he wanted to have an affair. As far as I can tell, he's not exactly living on the moral high-ground, either. OP, I agree with the others here - it sounds like you're very unhappy in your marriage. It's probably not possible to forgive multiple affairs. I'm sure I wouldn't forgive that. Affairs are very destructive emotionally and even though you might feel that you're justified in having one, it will still take its toll on you. I suggest that you ask yourself if you can seriously stay in your marriage. If not, then I would concentrate on getting out and find someone who's right for you.
Author kis Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 Obviously, this was serious flirting. If his morals were that intact, he wouldn't have taken things to the point where a woman was certain that he wanted to have an affair. As far as I can tell, he's not exactly living on the moral high-ground, either. OP, I agree with the others here - it sounds like you're very unhappy in your marriage. It's probably not possible to forgive multiple affairs. I'm sure I wouldn't forgive that. Affairs are very destructive emotionally and even though you might feel that you're justified in having one, it will still take its toll on you. I suggest that you ask yourself if you can seriously stay in your marriage. If not, then I would concentrate on getting out and find someone who's right for you. I think your answer hit home the closest. It was serious flirting. He even invited me to his house when no one else was home to show me a project he was working on a couple of times. He didnt make any move except a nice hug. But it convinced me he wanted to. I would never put myself in a position of being so alone with someone i had been flirting with so strongly unless I was hoping for more. This was the final straw that convinced me. So it was very confusing behavior when he said no.
carhill Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 What is up with that? My guess would be his boundaries were different from yours, likely due to the disparity in your respective marital relationships. Since you likely feel abandoned and betrayed due to your H's cheating, your boundaries to inappropriate emotional and/or sexual relationships are lower. It's like you can see more possibilities, real ones, over that fence. It's shorter for you. If you want to understand the dynamic better, try getting some individual counseling for this issue and your marital discord. It can help. MC really helped me with the understanding of appropriate boundaries. Best wishes
Angel1111 Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 I think your answer hit home the closest. It was serious flirting. He even invited me to his house when no one else was home to show me a project he was working on a couple of times. He didnt make any move except a nice hug. But it convinced me he wanted to. I would never put myself in a position of being so alone with someone i had been flirting with so strongly unless I was hoping for more. This was the final straw that convinced me. So it was very confusing behavior when he said no. I'm sure his wife would be thrilled to know this. I think the reason he turned you down is because he would've preferred to seduce you. By verbally agreeing to having an affair, it's a lot more difficult to say, "It just happened." Most men prefer to make things happen, and they're usually turned off by a woman propositioning them. Have you seen him at work since you made the offer? Has it made things uncomfortable?
Author kis Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 I'm sure his wife would be thrilled to know this. I think the reason he turned you down is because he would've preferred to seduce you. By verbally agreeing to having an affair, it's a lot more difficult to say, "It just happened." Most men prefer to make things happen, and they're usually turned off by a woman propositioning them. Have you seen him at work since you made the offer? Has it made things uncomfortable? We see each other at work everyday and always talk at least a few times. It is not ackward. We remain friends and sometimes have lunch.
boldjack Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 If I were you, OP, I wouldn't worry about his integrity, as much as I would worry about my own.
You'reasian Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 (edited) I have a co-worker who started flirting with me very strongly. We are both Married. Telling me how beautiful i was and I felt very pursued. I was very flattered because he was much younger than me. He was 38. I was 45. Before long i did begin to have feeling for him. We became great freinds also. Able to tell each other secrets and share funny stories. Finally after more than a year I decided I wanted to pursue a romatic relationship with him and quess what. He said no. What is up with that? Most of the responses are directed toward the personal, moral level, but how about professional? This might sound strange coming from a younger guy, but I can't and won't date anyone from work and I am referring to those who work in the same department as the one I would work in. Different department would seem a little less risky; different division would seem even less risky. There's got to be some separation so you can focus on your professional duties while you are getting paid to do what you came to do. Suppose things go sour? Staying focused and productive will be difficult and if you are the least bit passionate about your work, it could suffer. Edited October 18, 2009 by You'reasian
seibert253 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 If I were you, OP, I wouldn't worry about his integrity, as much as I would worry about my own. Thinking the same thing Bold.
Author kis Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 My guess would be his boundaries were different from yours, likely due to the disparity in your respective marital relationships. Since you likely feel abandoned and betrayed due to your H's cheating, your boundaries to inappropriate emotional and/or sexual relationships are lower. It's like you can see more possibilities, real ones, over that fence. It's shorter for you. If you want to understand the dynamic better, try getting some individual counseling for this issue and your marital discord. It can help. MC really helped me with the understanding of appropriate boundaries. Best wishes Everyone has givin me great answers. But i was really trying to figure why someone would put so much effort in the chase and then not be willing to follow thru.
Angel1111 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Everyone has givin me great answers. But i was really trying to figure why someone would put so much effort in the chase and then not be willing to follow thru. I think he just enjoys the game of flirting. If he wants more, then I think he wants to be the one to take it further. Sometimes there's just no understanding people.
Jada Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Wow your recieving some serious flak here. With his flirting he obviously touched a part of you that grew into sexual attraction, hey it happens to people it happened to me and I was in a relationship so I know exactly what you're going through. Okay yes morally it's wrong I admit that since I've been through the same thing, but when your in reality feelings can be powerful and take over your senses, you don't care you just want to be with that person. He's obviously flirtatious but that is all there is and all there ever will be, it's good that you can still remain friends. If he had of said yes, there would or could have been consequences in the end, and those can be difficult to handle, kinda like leaping first without looking.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I have a co-worker who started flirting with me very strongly. We are both Married. Telling me how beautiful i was and I felt very pursued. I was very flattered because he was much younger than me. He was 38. I was 45. Before long i did begin to have feeling for him. We became great freinds also. Able to tell each other secrets and share funny stories. Finally after more than a year I decided I wanted to pursue a romatic relationship with him and quess what. He said no. What is up with that? you are married and you are wondering what is up with him turning you down? tough s##t he turned you down lady. YOU ARE MARRIED! Where do you people come from?
Dexter Morgan Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 My husband has cheated on me several times and is lucky i am still with him. I would still never want him to know and be hurt. But it takes away the guilt for me. why don't you get a divorce since neither you or your husband know what marriage and committment is. Some people aren't fit for marriage to anyone, you and your H are PRIME examples.
Author kis Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 Wow your recieving some serious flak here. With his flirting he obviously touched a part of you that grew into sexual attraction, hey it happens to people it happened to me and I was in a relationship so I know exactly what you're going through. Okay yes morally it's wrong I admit that since I've been through the same thing, but when your in reality feelings can be powerful and take over your senses, you don't care you just want to be with that person. He's obviously flirtatious but that is all there is and all there ever will be, it's good that you can still remain friends. If he had of said yes, there would or could have been consequences in the end, and those can be difficult to handle, kinda like leaping first without looking. So what happened in your situation?
Johnny M Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 IFinally after more than a year I decided I wanted to pursue a romatic relationship with him and quess what. He said no. What is up with that? He doesn't want a "romantic relationship" with you. That's what's up.
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