Loneliness, morality and paying

[ReneSharif]

Hello all.

 

I am a 26 year old guy. I have actively tried to find love for the past 5 years. I have asked women out from my social circle, workplace, on the street, in the bars, in the clubs, coffee shops, bookshops, online etc etc.

 

No success.

 

100s of women have rejected me.

 

I now have a dilemma. I want to help people in my life, and I believe that we shouldn't live in a society where women have to sell their bodies to make a living. Yet, I just cannot keep going about my life day in day out watching women, and knowing I'll never be able to touch a single woman for the rest of my life.

 

I keep watching porn etc, and I'm just bored of it.

 

So, I've finally considered paying for sex. But I really want to consider whether this is the final option. Once I go through with this, all my principles and values will now be under scrutiny. I would have a part of my life that I would be ashamed of, and would try to conceal.

 

What are your views on this?

[Bejita463]

I don't feel one should do something they believe to be wrong, whether or not it actually is. You are the one who has to live with yourself.

 

Don't try so hard. If you are that desperate for companionship, a woman will be able to smell it from a mile away. Relax and gain some confidence with yourself and the rest will fall into place. There's nothing wrong with actively looking for a partner, but it sounds like to need to scale it back a few notches.

[SoulSearch_CO]

There was a poster on here not too long ago (wish I could remember the name) that could not pick up a woman to save his life. So he decided to pay for a prostitute to get some "experience" under his belt and perhaps feel better about himself - hopefully making it easier to get women. He reported back after his experiment - he felt worse than before he had done it. It had been completely pointless.

 

You're wanting something that's genuine. A real relationship, am I right? If that's what you're looking for, empty sex that you had to pay for is just going to make you feel EMPTIER.

 

So tell us more about you. Have any of these women told you WHY they weren't interested in you? What do you do for a living? What kind of a life do you live? What do you look like? Are you a virgin? You stated "past 5 years" - what happened before that? Have you always had this trouble?

 

(Personal questions, sure - but it could give insight as to what is going on, here.)

[bac]

 

I have actively tried to find love for the past 5 years. I have asked men online.

 

No success.

 

 

I now have a dilemma. I want to help people in my life, and I believe that we shouldn't live in a society where women have to sell their bodies to make a living. Yet, I just cannot keep going about my life day in day out watching women, and knowing I'll never be able to touch a single woman for the rest of my life.

 

I keep watching porn etc, and I'm just bored of it.

 

What are your views on this?

 

Hi, I am woman in 40s and I can say about myself the same things that are mentioned above. It is very frustrating to me as well.

 

I believe that men in early 20s and some women in 40s have one thing in common which is they want to have sex, but they do not want commitment, marriage and kids. You may try to contact older women and it is free. By the way, they may be very happy about that. At least, I would be happy. You can find them on any sites such as match, yahoo personals, AFF and many others. They often mention that they are looking for younger guys. They often look good at least their bodies. And, sex is better because they are mature enough to figure out what is sex about.

 

What are your looks? What are your way of thinking/behaving?

I ask it because there may be some reasons for your rejections related to your looks or behavior. In general, it is good idea to look somehow attractive. As for behavior, you may use NLP. In other words, try to match girls expectations, for example say and do what they want.

 

As for paying for sex, I think that it is a waste of money. But, I am a female so I can not understand that the way a man would do. Being a female, I see an average man in 20s as someone who can have sex for free with some right effort.

[Soul Bear]

Why would you want to pay for sex???

 

How little do you value yourself???

 

Every failure brings you one step closer to your success. STOP actively looking for love and just live your life, THEN love will come and find you.

[ReneSharif]

You're wanting something that's genuine. A real relationship, am I right? If that's what you're looking for, empty sex that you had to pay for is just going to make you feel EMPTIER.

 

Yes, I would love to have a real relationship. Yet, I don't want to go through my 20s and 30s just getting rejected. I am worried that paying for sex will make me feel emptier. but I'm not going to pretend that I have no sex drive. Im 26 and I experience all that comes with being at this age inc. increased libido.

 

So tell us more about you. Have any of these women told you WHY they weren't interested in you? What do you do for a living? What kind of a life do you live? What do you look like? Are you a virgin? You stated "past 5 years" - what happened before that? Have you always had this trouble?

 

1. They weren't interested because all the women I have ever met are in a relationship. The few that are not, are simply not interested.

 

2. I live a normal life - eating out, going to the cinema, reading, listening to music, laughing with friends etc

 

3. I am in a low-earning job in the voluntary sector - I'm not sure I want to stop helping people for a living just to start a relationship.

 

4. I'm 5 foot 7, dark hair, dark eyes etc. Not good looking. Big nose, receding hair line, goofy teeth, weak chin etc etc

 

4. Yes I am a virgin.

 

5. Before thr 5 years, I just watched girls/women without approaching them. I asked out a few girls from my class but flat out "No" would be the result.

 

6. Yes, I have always had this trouble.

 

And as for the posts about stopping looking for love etc, I did that for a year only to find that I was one year older and no closer or further away from having found someone. Maybe I'm wrong, but this just sounds like off-the-cuff thoughtless "advice".

[You'reasian]

Yet, I just cannot keep going about my life day in day out watching women, and knowing I'll never be able to touch a single woman for the rest of my life.

 

Why do you say this, Mr.Sharif?

Edited October 18, 2009 by You'reasian

[terra]

I think perhaps it has to do with your self-esteem and approach. First of all dark hair and dark eyes are nice and I love big noses so everyone has their thing and I'm sure there are girls out there who find you cute. I know plenty of guys I don't think are all that attractive (to me) have great girlfriends because they are great people.

Do you you have lots of single girl friends?? If not make some. Join clubs or groups. I joined a running club - and it was full of single girls who wanted to get into better shape. I think there were 3 guys in the whole group. The fact that you work in a volunteer field is a big turn on for many woman.

Perhaps it is your approach? If you come on too strong or seem desperate your chances are not good.

What makes you a good catch? If you highlight these things I'm sure you luck will change.

[Beerme]

Do you have any female friends? It seems that your lack of any interaction with women is probably hurting you as well. Do you have a group of friends, including both men and women, that you can hang out with? Just hanging out with women in a less stressful situation will probably do you a world of good. You'll get more relaxed, and also your self-esteem will rise if you see that women enjoy your company, even if only as friends.

 

Remember, women can smell the fear the desperation coming from a mile away.

[m-j]

i love threads like this! everyone has been giving such great advice, i agree with you all.

 

i have always thought people that pay for sex either a) are absolutely grotesque and have absolutely no chance of ever sleeping with a woman because she wants him or b) they want to do really sick stuff that no normal woman would agree to.

 

now, you dont sound grotesque at all, you have alot of features that women would find attractive. and dont believe for a second that all women base their attraction on looks. it sounds like you have a good heart and that in itself is very appealing.

 

surely you dont want your first time to be with a prostitute.

 

if you are really insecure about your looks, maybe there are steps you can take to improve? but the best thing you can do is be confident and embrace your little quirks and they become your own thing that no one else has.

 

i have known plenty of guys that i wouldnt normally find attractive and i have gotten to know them and formed an intense attraction over time. my boyfriend for example, i thought he was repulsive when i first met him but he had confidence coming out of EVERYWHERE and i was drawn to that.

 

someone made a good point about making friends with girls....JUST friends....dont expect to form a relationship with them, dont expect anything except to be friends with them. it will do you alot of good!

 

i keep thinking of in 40 Year Old Virgin where the friend says stop putting the pussy on a pedastal!

 

be happy with yourself, love yourself...and the ladies will come to you.

 

also, excessive viewing of porn probably isnt healthy. you will start to form unrealistic expectations on women and how sex works (i.e the intimacy not just the ***ing).

 

anyway, i guess this is a topic im very interested in......people's confidence in themselves and what not.

[SoulSearch_CO]

4. I'm 5 foot 7, dark hair, dark eyes etc. Not good looking. Big nose, receding hair line, goofy teeth, weak chin etc etc

I want to respond to the rest of your response later tonight when I have more time and energy for it. But I wanted to address THIS right now. Do you let your looks hold you back? Do you let them affect your self-esteem?

 

I read your description and you mentioned a few things that are actually very similar to the guy I most recently dated (and adored the hell out of). Let's see how you two compare, shall we: he's 5'10", no hair (lost it on top, now shaves it all), I don't know...I guess he has a big nose, and a weak chin. I think you're maybe focusing too much on the negatives. Now, if I sat here and listed the negative things about MY appearance, surely you'd think I was pretty ugly. Or I could sit and only mention the things that I think are positive.

 

I guess my point is - you focused on mostly negatives. So what are some GOOD things about your appearance? Everybody has them - know what they are about yourself and accentuate those! Certainly, there is a difference between deluding oneself about one's looks (I'm a ****ing 10!) and being realistic (I think I'm attractive, although there are some things I wish were different or that I could change).

 

And I know you've probably heard it before and don't believe it...but confidence goes a LONG way. I'm almost 30 and I notice a guy with self-confidence that is average looking over one that is a 10, but you can tell has fake ego/arrogance. So maturity in the women you approach could be a big part of it, too.

 

Like I said - I'll address your other points later.

[Zeta4PhiSius]

Hey, I'm still 29 with no first relationship and have no clue how to get one. I finally got tired of being the only guy in his 20s that never had sex.

 

No girl with a free will has ever reciprocated, and I know they sure as hell won't, so I keep myself away from such situations because I know I'll fall FLAT ON MY FACE.

 

Don't believe that dumb advice about "she'll come along when you least expect it" or "those not actively looking will have her fall in your lap."

 

That's the biggest bs perpetuated on these forums - if you're not actively looking or making friends with people that may be potentials, then WTF will not doing anything get you? The same thing- absolutely nothing. It's a law of science and physics like with any undertaking - you get out of it what you put into it.

[Zeta4PhiSius]

JeanP- Very much so. In fact I'm one of those who are exceptionally talented but far too ugly to get very far in that area anyways. Plus, when you consider that I have a major disability in that I have nothing in terms of what normal people hear, no one wants that in a relationship until they're at least 65-70-80 or very old when their hearing is gone anyways. It doesn't matter how talented you are or how much work you put into it - people are discriminatory as hell and they will do anything to get out of being friends with you or close to you if they're a lady. I was even sent to the office at college a few years back for "not putting the you-know-what on a pedestal". So we know how that doesn't work!

 

If I was attractive, I would have had a yes already.

 

I've approached well over 200 with no single reciprocation. From what I see on here the average guy gets 1 in 10. How do THOSE odds stack up? I already know I won't be successful.

 

EHarmony = crap too.

 

So it's not like I haven't been around the block.

[bac]

 

3. I am in a low-earning job in the voluntary sector - I'm not sure I want to stop helping people for a living just to start a relationship.

 

4. I'm 5 foot 7, dark hair, dark eyes etc. Not good looking. Big nose, receding hair line, goofy teeth, weak chin etc etc

 

4. Yes I am a virgin.

 

 

3. I do not know about your job. It could be a problem only for a commited relationship/or marriage. I guess it is totally OK for casual sexual relationship.

 

4. Looks do matter for casual sex. I understand that you want a relationship but I guess you should start with casual sex to get some experience, if you have trouble to find a true love right away.

 

You may want to take care of your looks. Go to gym, buy nice outfits, have a nice hair cut, and do whatever it takes to look better. Your height and big nose are OK, but teeth can be a problem because sex involves kissing and using a mouth a lot. If a woman can not see herself kissing you because your mouth/teeth are bad, there is no hope for sex. If I meet a guy with disgusting teeth, I reject him right away or I keep him in the friend zone forever.

 

As for being a virgin, it is good to many females. There are many good qualities that virgins have including absence of STDs. Most virgins would not say to a woman that they are virgins anyway. But, virgins are great at sex in general. I mean during first several encounters and some later.

[ReneSharif]

I think perhaps it has to do with your self-esteem and approach.

 

Do you you have lots of single girl friends?? If not make some. Join clubs or groups. I joined a running club - and it was full of single girls who wanted to get into better shape.

 

The fact that you work in a volunteer field is a big turn on for many woman.

 

Perhaps it is your approach? If you come on too strong or seem desperate your chances are not good.

 

What makes you a good catch? If you highlight these things I'm sure you luck will change.

 

To be honest, this is like the chicken and egg question - lack of self-esteem caused the lack of results, or vice versa. I can quite frankly tell you my self-esteem may be low, because I keep getting rejected. It was a few months back when I realised I just couldn't bare another rejection. I really liked the girl, and I thought it was reciprocal - when she said no, I just got tired (after a few hundred woman, I really wanted her to be the one to say yes).

 

I have a lot of friends who are women, but they're not all single, and if they are, they'd laugh at the idea of dating me. I have been a member of numerous clubs, but because of my job, I don't have as much time as before.

 

My job is not a turn on - this is just ridiculous.

 

It's not about me thinking that I am a catch, because there are many things iI like about myself.

 

Do you have any female friends? It seems that your lack of any interaction with women is probably hurting you as well. Do you have a group of friends, including both men and women, that you can hang out with? Just hanging out with women in a less stressful situation will probably do you a world of good. You'll get more relaxed, and also your self-esteem will rise if you see that women enjoy your company, even if only as friends.

 

Remember, women can smell the fear the desperation coming from a mile away.

 

Why have you, and all the other posters, assumed I have a lack of interactioin with women? My friends are 50:50 men and women. My workplace is filled with women and we all laugh, and have fun at work. I am actually known as the guy who likes to laugh, and relax with people. People do enjoy my company, as I enjoy theirs, its just that no one wants to date me. I don't fear women. This is ridiculous. Why is it that you assume my lack of success is because I am weird. Women are just as superficial as men.

 

be happy with yourself, love yourself...and the ladies will come to you.

 

I am happy with myself

- Nice job

- Nice friends

- Good health

- Great family

- Enjoy sports, films, music, art etc

 

What I am not happy about is being alone. Hanging out with friends who are in relationships and going to outings, parties etc and being the only single one in the group. Everyone going home with their gf or fiances, and I just sit on the tube alone having a random conversation with some drunk (long story).

 

Do you let your looks hold you back? Do you let them affect your self-esteem?

 

I guess my point is - you focused on mostly negatives. So what are some GOOD things about your appearance?

 

And I know you've probably heard it before and don't believe it...but confidence goes a LONG way.

 

You sound really genuine, so thank you. But I don't mind my looks, personally if I was a beautiful man and couldn't get a date, I wouldn't be any happier. I only mention my looks because I am not oblivious to it.

 

My confidence isn't actually low, I have spoken to 100s of women, been to loads of parties, have friends etc. I just hate being alone and what's worse, I'm tired of the answer "no". You don't have to have low self-esteem to get upset over 100 rejections in the space of a few months.

 

No girl with a free will has ever reciprocated, and I know they sure as hell won't, so I keep myself away from such situations because I know I'll fall FLAT ON MY FACE.

 

Don't believe that dumb advice about "she'll come along when you least expect it" or "those not actively looking will have her fall in your lap."

 

JeanP- Very much so. In fact I'm one of those who are exceptionally talented but far too ugly to get very far in that area anyways.

 

It doesn't matter how talented you are or how much work you put into it - people are discriminatory as hell and they will do anything to get out of being friends with you or close to you if they're a lady.

 

If I was attractive, I would have had a yes already.

 

It's always nice to know Im not the only one.

 

So, should I take it that the majority of the people on this forum believe those who cannot find a relationship must suffer from:

- Low self-esteem

- No confidence

- Nervousness around women/men

- No social skills

- etc etc

 

Why is it so hard to believe that a woman will jsut not go out with a guy who is

- Short

- Unattractive

- And not wealthy

 

Other than me and Zeta4PhiSius, no one else seems to have experienced this fact.

 

If im wrong please tell me.

[singlegirl]

I think our inner dialogue has a huge effect on us..You describe yourself as short unattractive and not wealthy, not the words of a confident man content within himself IMHO

 

I have met men who were not handsome, not well groomed but the confidence won me over on one occasion as he knew he was great in the sack and something seeped out of him that was attractive....his inner dialogue must have been, I got it going on lol....he knew he wasn't the best lookign man but he didn't focus on that

 

My advice is fix what you can and try to accept and embrace your flaws....I have many flaws but I see them as quirky...my hair is never perfect ( my new man loves my bed head look ) I don't have fake nails etc and when I am in a room full of perfectly manicured woman I actually like my natural look......I have a few wrinkles but what the heck, it's all I got

[cognac]

Don't listen to the naysayers, and get yourself a prostitute. Get something good, a cute one who is understanding. Trust me, it will boost your confidence and you will feel better.

 

I have been with prostitutes before all of them were women my age and did not use drugs or anything else, they were just paying for school or needed some extra spending money. It was a very fulfilling experience, then again i may have gotten lucky.

 

We have sexual needs as men and have a right to release them. If it doesn't happen for free, we need to find alternative routes. IT's easy for women or very good looking/rich/powerful men to condemn it , but they do not have to be in our shoes and live a life of unwanted celibacy. Sometimes you need to touch a woman at any cost out of natural human need, and rape is illegal

Edited October 20, 2009 by cognac