Clep Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 I am beside myself with this situation. What would you do? I vented about this in another post but it has come full circle now. My bf has a friend that dislikes me. His friend cheats on his woman and his woman has told him I talked with her about it. He let my bf know to tell me to quit talking to his woman. I was at first disgusted with the whole high school thing but now am quite concerned. I let my bf know I have never once talked to her or even met her so she is lying for whatever reason. My bf and his friend have been friends for 25 years. I let it go and quit going out to avoid any more gossip. They can't talk about me if I'm not there. Last night my bf and I decided to try going out. His friend and the woman were there and we just ignored them. When we were walking by them to go downstairs, my bf and him chatted briefly which slightly irritated me. The friend was glaring at me after the bf walked ahead of me before I turned to walk after him. I was shaking my head and walked behind him. At that point his friend threw his water bottle at my head, hitting me and causing much pain. My bf was visibly upset and talked to him about it. The friend lied saying I was yelling at him in an attempt to justify his behavior. The girlfriend stood by and watched all of this unfold without owning up to her lie. I am disgusted with her more than I can say, and the friend. Today my guy says he will not be close friends with him anymore but if he sees him somewhere he will say hi, be cordial and move on. I am so upset with that. From my perspective even saying hi at this point is not okay with me. I did let my bf know that at this point I do not feel comfortable with his friendship with this guy anymore, and he let me know that could pose a problem. I feel betrayed. The friend and him had some major problem two years ago that my guy won't share with me. My guy also says the friend is a self serving liar so I am unsure of why the need to retain even a cordial relationship at all. Am I off base here? Is it understandable for him to say hi and have small talk with this guy. Challenge me here people please as I am not accepting of this at all. I can't imagine standing behind my guy when we are out while he says hi and has brief small talk with this guy!!!!!!!!!!
alphamale Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 i think you and your bf should meet and hangout with some new couples. ones that have class
justforfun Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Any response to him by your bf would be a betrayal. You absolutely should stand up and be firm on this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous! How can you even exchange pleasantries with someone who has attacked his girlfriend is beyond me. He needs to grow up as much as his friends need to.
Barby Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 I agree, try going out to new places and meeting new couples..people who aren't drama seekers. As far as how you feel about your BF being cordial with this guy....they've been friends for 25 years....WAY BEFORE he knew you (I'm assuming) and despite any of the problems they may have had before...obviously there is a reason why he continues to be friends with him. As far you standing around while he says "hi" to this guy, just excuse yourself and walk away...your BF knows you can't stand him and vice versa so I'm sure out of respect for you he'll keep it short and move on with you. As far as her owning up to her lie....well don't count on it and there sadly isn't anything you can do to change the situation. Avoid contact with them and don't try and make your BF chose between you and his 25 year friendship. No doubt his friend is a jerk but you really have no right to control who your partner does or doesn't speak with on a cordial basis..none of us do. Just my POV.
Aveenolover Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 How tall is your boyfriend? can you stop trolling? its not funny anymore.
Author Clep Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 Thanks for your replies. I am not sure how to feel about this. I do agree that it is a betrayal. If he was a friend he would not have gotten physical with me. I guess it is helpful to see other's views. I guess if one of my friends had spoke of my guy poorly I would gently let them know the boundary. If one of my friends ever got physical I would end the friendship. I feel that my friend would not be showing respect to me for my personal choices in life, rendering the friendship doomed to begin with. Who came first is not of concern to me, who respects me and my choices is. Thank for your responses and challenging my point of views. Especially the one about just walking away when they chat.
Kamille Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 The friend and him had some major problem two years ago that my guy won't share with me. My guy also says the friend is a self serving liar so I am unsure of why the need to retain even a cordial relationship at all. It sounds like your boyfriend knows and has accepted that his friend is an unreliable liar. This could explain why he feels he can be cordial to him. For exemaple, I can be cordial to a coworker who betrayed me. I accept I can't trust that person and therefore stop stressing about it. It's the best way to avoid further emotional turmoil and further drama. Maybe that's what your bf means by being cordial. If so, I don't see any problems with it.
Author Clep Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 It sounds like your boyfriend knows and has accepted that his friend is an unreliable liar. This could explain why he feels he can be cordial to him. For exemaple, I can be cordial to a coworker who betrayed me. I accept I can't trust that person and therefore stop stressing about it. It's the best way to avoid further emotional turmoil and further drama. Maybe that's what your bf means by being cordial. If so, I don't see any problems with it. I understand what you are saying here. I am not at the point in my life where I can do that however. I am learning though. I am the person who would just end it and get rid of the turmoil. I don't like to deal with manipulative people that I can't trust and put myself in the position of continued drama. Thanks for the challenges. I am feeling much better.
justforfun Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 It sounds like your boyfriend knows and has accepted that his friend is an unreliable liar. This could explain why he feels he can be cordial to him. For exemaple, I can be cordial to a coworker who betrayed me. I accept I can't trust that person and therefore stop stressing about it. It's the best way to avoid further emotional turmoil and further drama. Maybe that's what your bf means by being cordial. If so, I don't see any problems with it. I would agree except for the part where he hit her in the head with a bottle.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 That's assault. Press charges, then your bf can be cordial to him when he sees him on the side of the road picking up trash for probation.
Author Clep Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 I would agree except for the part where he hit her in the head with a bottle. Ya that is the part I am having the problem with. Before this for the last month I have not been happy with their relationship, but did not feel like this about it either. I felt my bf could have easily set a boundary with the guy and just told him he doesn't want to hear negativity about me. I think that would have aided in retaining the friendship long term, instead of how strained it is now. Instead he listened to the friend, came to me with it and that is where it was left. I feel sad my bf allowed his friend to use him as a poor communication tool, and my bf fell right into it.
justforfun Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Ya that is the part I am having the problem with. Before this for the last month I have not been happy with their relationship, but did not feel like this about it either. I'm uncomfortable with your bf dismissing this incident. All the rest of it doesn't seem like a major issue. Just your bf getting caught up in some nonsense. He came to you with it and that was the end of it.
Author Clep Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 I'm uncomfortable with your bf dismissing this incident. All the rest of it doesn't seem like a major issue. Just your bf getting caught up in some nonsense. He came to you with it and that was the end of it. Why do you feel he is dismissing it? What would it look like to you if he was not dismissing it?
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Why do you feel he is dismissing it? What would it look like to you if he was not dismissing it? Why are you requiring your BF to start drama whenever he see's the guy. Your BF has already said they will no longer be friends. If they say Hi passing each other on the street... why would you be upset? Do you need to control him that bad? He has already done what was needed to be done... and it seems without your direction or prompting. Leave it at that. Do you pick out his clothes in the morning and force him to wear them? Or pick his friends for him?
Author Clep Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 Why are you requiring your BF to start drama whenever he see's the guy. Your BF has already said they will no longer be friends. If they say Hi passing each other on the street... why would you be upset? Do you need to control him that bad? He has already done what was needed to be done... and it seems without your direction or prompting. Leave it at that. Do you pick out his clothes in the morning and force him to wear them? Or pick his friends for him? We go to the same places every weekend so I am aware we will be seeing them pretty much every weekend. That is a far cry from passing each other on the street, especially without me there. Saying I am uncomfortable with the friendship is not telling him who to be friends with. It is about me deciding what is best for me, and deciding if I can be with someone long term that befriends someone that assaults their significant other. If the friend has any inkling that his behavior was not completely rejected by my bf there is a risk this could happen again. My physical safety is quite important to me.
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 At that point his friend threw his water bottle at my head, hitting me and causing much pain. WTF? And you didn't call the cops for assault for....what reason, exactly? I don't give a **** whose freaking friend he is - I would have called the cops. And I'd dump my BF if he disagreed. I don't have to walk around being abused like that.
justforfun Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 WTF? And you didn't call the cops for assault for....what reason, exactly? I don't give a **** whose freaking friend he is - I would have called the cops. And I'd dump my BF if he disagreed. I don't have to walk around being abused like that. To The OP...you should have called the cops period. Your choice but I wouldn't be with someone who could be cordial with my assailant. Do you think that about covers it SoulSearch?
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 To The OP...you should have called the cops period. Your choice but I wouldn't be with someone who could be cordial with my assailant. Do you think that about covers it SoulSearch? Yes. And you said it with more restraint than me. LOL Well done.
justforfun Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Yes. And you said it with more restraint than me. LOL Well done. LOL! Very unusual for me I must say!
Kamille Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 I do recognize that the ex-friend crossed a line when ht threw his water bottle at you. I really don't want to diminish the significance of that act. At the same time, your bf has taken action about that, then and there and has finally broken the friendship. I feel like the rest is up to you, if that makes sense. Press charges if you want and, by all means, refuse to interact with the guy. And if you feel threatened, get a restraining order. The thing is, however, that you cannot decide for your bf how he should feel about this or how he should act. You can disagree with his decision to be cordial but you can't change it. We go to the same places every weekend so I am aware we will be seeing them pretty much every weekend. That is a far cry from passing each other on the street, especially without me there. I'm originally from a small town, so I understand scenarios where you have no choice but to run into people all the time. That being said, if that is the case and there is no way you can avoid going to the same places as this guy, to me, that's even more reason to be cordial but cold. See, boundaries are drawn whether your bf completely stops contact or gives a cordial nod to the friend. And the latter route, in my experience, is the less emotionally taxing and the less drama-inducing. The ex-friend might act up if he is totally ignored. If he's maintained at a cordial distance, then he's, in a way, rendered powerless. Saying I am uncomfortable with the friendship is not telling him who to be friends with. What friendship? Being cordial does not a friendship make. I am not friends with everyone to whom I am cordial, far from it. I think that the core of your issue is what being cordial means. What does your bf say being cordial entail? Saying hi? Then it's not friendship. Having a beer together? Then it is. It is about me deciding what is best for me, and deciding if I can be with someone long term that befriends someone that assaults their significant other. If the friend has any inkling that his behavior was not completely rejected by my bf there is a risk this could happen again. My physical safety is quite important to me. Yes. That is up to you and it is, in regards to your bf, all that is up to you. Again, I didn't get the impression from your OP that your bf was planning on staying friends with the ex-friend, not at all. But maybe the event has left you understandably scarred and you would like your boyfriend to take a stronger stance then the one he already did by confronting his ex-friend at the event. Fair enough. Then state it as such to your bf. Don't make it a moral issue that you lay on his shoulder. Make it about your needs in this situation.
Recommended Posts