stepka Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 The history: my husband of 23 years came out gay 3 days after Xmas. All things considering, I was very understanding, though I propelled him out of the house quickly since he wanted to sit on the computer with the music blasting and surfing the gay guy websites. When he wasn't doing that he was on the phone with some guy--usually off in some other part of the house but of course I knew what he was doing and this is a small house. So he had to go. As soon as he was gone (Valentine's Day) I felt much, much better and decided not to waste any time moving on with my life. I even tried dating a few times, but stopped that b/c I obviously wasn't ready. I think I only did that to see if I was still attractive after spending half my life married. But I was doing really well emotionally--almost too well most people said. And then. . . well this week I feel like I've had emotional breakdown of sorts--I've been so ridiculously angry--angry like I've never been before and my girls just went to spend the night at their dad's apt, b/c they can't stand me anymore and I have very little support from anyone else. (No, I've not hit them--just yelled alot.) I had a friend who was there for me for the first few months but she got married and doesn't even answer my phone calls anymore. Another friend, who I was there for so many times when she had major problems, never did even call me when this happened, and I relocated to this place just a couple of years ago, so don't have a strong network here. My mother is clueless, and so is the rest of my family. On the plus side, my coworkers are wonderful, but you can't really stress out those relationships too much. I don't know why I'm so isolated--I've worked on my friendships and tried to keep up with people, but you don't know who your real friends are until you need them and apparently I don't have any real friends. Ouch. I'm going to get therapy I think, b/c I can't continue to live like this--I've always had an excellent relationship with my girls, but that won't last much longer at this rate. I guess I'm just freaked out b/c this hit me like a load of bricks--surprise. I had no idea that it would be this bad--I cried a lot in the first couple of months, but felt steadily better and never had the anger like I do now--most people would describe me as sweet. Anybody ever have a delayed reaction like this? I had no idea that it would be this bad, but then I don't know why I ever thought it should be that easy either.
Gunny376 Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 During the process of going through a separation / divorce one also goes through the Five Stages of Grief. Five Stages Of Grief Denial and Isolation. At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.Anger. The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.Bargaining. Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"Depression. The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.Acceptance. This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.While one person may go them one way, depression before bargaining for example, another person may go through them another. There's no set particular order that's right or wrong. It also possible to revert back to a previous stage. The process can be short lived, or it can be short lived. Depends upon the situation and the person which vary from person to person. Its also possible to be going through one or more at the same time. As far as making friends and true friends? Women have a much easier time making friends than men. Many men ~ especially older men depend upon their social contacts made via their wives. Men compartamize their friends into buddies. Drinking buddies, fishing buddies, hunting buddies. The seldom intermix. Women make friends based upon truly have a self interest in one another. That is to say being friends just to be friends. The one hazard is when some of these women become taxed with family / martial obligations. Or the big one? When a new love interest moves into their lives. With that said, you make friends with people that have mutual interests. With all that you've been through, being a mother to your DD's, work, having been married as long as you have you probably have over the course of time developed a 'home-to-work-back-to-work' bunker mentality. When going through times of stress its the usual routine that we find comfort in. You've also have invested so much of your self identity into being a wife ~ mother, that you now need to re-define yourself and 're-invent' yourself. Do this for you and no one else. You need to look and find interests, hobbies, things that your interested in that involve other people that have the same interest, hobbies, etc. Part of what your grieving is the 'dream' you had of the life you would be living today ~ 23 years ago. It certainly what you've been dished up. You must start each day with "What can I do today to make me and my DD's happy? Our lives more fulfilling? To heal our bond? What can I do today to enhance the quality of my life?" You must accept complete and total responsibility for your happiness ~ you and you alone ~ an no one else. For at the end of each day? We and we alone are the ones that are responsible for our own happiness. Not others.
Author stepka Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 You've also have invested so much of your self identity into being a wife ~ mother, that you now need to re-define yourself and 're-invent' yourself. Do this for you and no one else. You need to look and find interests, hobbies, things that your interested in that involve other people that have the same interest, hobbies, etc. Part of what your grieving is the 'dream' you had of the life you would be living today ~ 23 years ago. It certainly what you've been dished up. You must start each day with "What can I do today to make me and my DD's happy? Our lives more fulfilling? To heal our bond? What can I do today to enhance the quality of my life?" You must accept complete and total responsibility for your happiness ~ you and you alone ~ an no one else. For at the end of each day? We and we alone are the ones that are responsible for our own happiness. Not others. Well I know this is right Gunny, and it's pretty much where I was at. I've been working on my physical appearance, b/c my stbxh couldn't have cared less if I'd worn a gunny sack and gained 50 lbs. I've been getting out and volunteering (going to work all day at a debate tournament today ), so that I could stay busy and meet new people and do fun stuff, and I've been keeping up with the house and cooking healthy meals for us. But then this just hit out of the blue right when I thought it was going to be okay for us. What happened? This is worse than when he moved out. And it may be true that women make friends more easily than men do, but apparently I'm not one of those women. That's all moot anyway, b/c you can't go make new friends and immediately start dropping all your stuff on them, not that I did that with my old friends either--it's not like I'd call and cry over this for hours. It's just that I've realized that I have very little social support for this crisis, and it's too late to fix that right now--I could try to use more judgment in making friends from now on, but I thought the friends I have would be more supportive.
tojaz Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Well, your right in that going through this will show you who your real friends are. I don't really buy into the whole men make friends this way and women make friends that way thing though. People are all different and work on their own terms. I have a selection of Buddies, but also a small handful of near and dear friends, just do what works for you. As for friends that can help support you in this, your in the right place. Sure it's an online forum, but in my time here, I have made some true friends. Some i have exchanged numbers and addresses with, some that I hear from everyday! Some of them have been better friends then some of the people that live right down the street. Don't rule it out. TOJAZ
dazedandconfused2008 Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Hmmm...i seem to be around the stage that your in. I think you do need the time to yourself right now to heal and to rediscover or find out who exactly you are. I think seeking a counsellor is a really good way to start. Find one that you feel comfortable with. It it helping me tremendously to get things out. Look for programs that work with children in dealing with these situations. Talk to their schools, to your church if you have one, or on the internet. You will be surprised whats out there. I started with my daughters school and they offered a rainbows program that worked with kids and their losses. Yes it is a loss for everyone. This site is another form of keeping in touch with others as suggested on here. Reading stories and getting insight and support and just knowing that you are not alone. You can have all the friends in the world but sometimes the best advice or support comes from someone that is outside your "box". I found books (especially the ones that talk about self-care, rediscovering self, and healing, etc) to be a really big help especially during those miserable hopeless moments. They are always there to read, no matter what time of day (or night), to inspire, to motivate, to learn, to think, to gain insight, to reinforce, etc. Couple books have become my best friends. Support groups are all over. I been going to one every week. It has helped me a lot in getting things out and just to having my feelings acknowledged by other people that have been there and understand. i even made a couple friends who i speak with on a regular basis. Just have to look and ask around your community. I believe dialing 211 is all over Canada and US for information like that? When your ready to start getting back into the world...start doing things that you like doing, that you always wanted to do, and try something new just for the hell of it. You will start meeting people in time that way. As for the anger, I know where your coming from because i am dealing with that myself. The betrayal, living with lies, poor treatment, etc. i could go on and on. It devastating. Its an emotional trauma. Just as when we get hurt physically and have to deal with a fresh cut...we go through a series of emotions. Pain, shock, disbelief, so do we for an emotional one. Once the initial shock wears off we are forced to look at it and see what happened. We get mad that it happened, that it should never have happened in the first place, we blame others or ourselves for it, we shouldve seen it coming, etc...we could go over and over why and how this could have happened, but the fact of the matter is that its done and the cut is still there and still hurting. Once we see that its there and something has to be done with it we go about taking care of it, properly, so it can heal. I say properly because sometimes we choose to let the cut bleed and try and numb it with drugs, drinking, and other things and people. But if its not cleaned properly it will get infected and will stay that way until one takes a real long look at that cut and takes care of it with cleansing, time, and love. I know because i let the anger and hurt get the best of me and i tried to cover it up with drinking and gaining approval from other people to build my already low self esteem. But this year is different for me. I finally looked at my cut and decided to take real good care of it. You cant be there for your girls until you take care of yourself first. Read, write, draw, talk, vent and empty it out. Feel your feelings and embrace them because theyre yours to feel. Then let them go and so you can be open for new things and new better feelings. Healing isnt just about getting over it...its also about finding the person within. The journey is hard, its exciting, its letting go, its finding peace and hope, and most importantly, finding out who you really are and how you get to choose to live your life. I wish you and your daughters the very best on it.
Author stepka Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 We get mad that it happened, that it should never have happened in the first place, we blame others or ourselves for it, we shouldve seen it coming, etc...we could go over and over why and how this could have happened, but the fact of the matter is that its done and the cut is still there and still hurting. Once we see that its there and something has to be done with it we go about taking care of it, properly, so it can heal. I say properly because sometimes we choose to let the cut bleed and try and numb it with drugs, drinking, and other things and people. But if its not cleaned properly it will get infected and will stay that way until one takes a real long look at that cut and takes care of it with cleansing, time, and love. I know because i let the anger and hurt get the best of me and i tried to cover it up with drinking and gaining approval from other people to build my already low self esteem. But this year is different for me. I finally looked at my cut and decided to take real good care of it. You cant be there for your girls until you take care of yourself first. Read, write, draw, talk, vent and empty it out. Feel your feelings and embrace them because theyre yours to feel. Then let them go and so you can be open for new things and new better feelings. What a great analogy. Maybe that's it--I was distracting myself with other things for awhile and ignoring the pain, and it scabbed over but got infected and that's why I'm acting like this 10 months after he came out with it. I thought I was doing so well and then this. I've had a crazy year anyway--got nicked with a knife by a crazy kid at school (in the same month the ex moved out) and found a stalker (a stranger, not someone I knew), and still thought I was doing well, but I guess not--I'll get to work on cleaning that cut! How long has it been for you?
dazedandconfused2008 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 (edited) Well...my ex has had a couple affairs throughout our marriage...each time with me taking him back. Then he started going to sask (another province) to work with his uncle for extra cash and thats when things started going down. In October 2007 was when i found out he was sleeping not with one...but with 6 different girls that i know of over a period of a few months...could be more. We just had a baby in August and he was fooling around throughout my whole pregnancy and after. So how did i cope with this emotional destruction i went through? I drank. I drank because i couldnt handle it all. Not only did i have to get hit with all this information at once (and the next few months more info kept coming..along with the obsession to make it work still) i was left with 5 kids...one just a newborn and a home with bills to look after. I did this for a few months..going back and forth with my ex until i accidently got pregnant again by him and thank God i had understanding parents and friends. I was all set up to have an abortion because i thought i must be crazy to bring more kids into a horrible marriage and i felt like the worst mother in the world. The day i was suppose to go in i changed my mind. That was the best decision i ever made in my life because it forced me to stop drinking and face my problems with a sober frame of mind. Damn it was hard but there is no going over, under, or around but THROUGH the pain. My BABY GIRL is the best thing that could ever have happened to me. The way she smiles at me brings that lil light in a dark tunnel. We had tried to make it work one last time while i was pregnant with our 6th child, but after one big fight in october 2008, he ran back to sask and started up again with some new girls. Again the back and forth thing continued...being pregnant and cheated on...again....was really hard. Hence the saying i believe in so much from a friend..."a lesson will repeat itself until it is finally learned". Do i ever believe that now. Finally this past september i made the committment to myself that i am leaving him for good. TELLING myself and KNOWING it are two different things. It took me a LONG time to get to this point and i am still struggling at times but i noticed that i am getting more and more content with my life and my kids are more happy. I realize now that HE is the one with problems that he is not even close to dealing with and that is...out of my control. The only control i have is myself and what i do with myself. Now im taking care of myself and my emotional wounds that i had tried to cover for so long....and it starts out with just cleansing out the infection but once i get that going...i know the healing process is just around the corner...i am starting to feel it already. Edited October 26, 2009 by dazedandconfused2008
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