EarthGirl Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 has anybody ever not wanted to exist anymore? I am having some mind trippyness going on. my grandma died and I want to go to heaven but life has been such **** the truth is I kinda just don't want to exist anymore as an entity or be able to think at all....even if it is so wonderful it wipes every tear away and is just a crazy good time, I just don't know if I want it anymore. I certainly don't want to exist forever, wouldn't it get boring..I mean have you ever thought about FOREVER....I'm not positive I even want to keep hanging around much longer...it's not about wanting to die to get some peace after entering some pearly gates and living in a heavenly city by the sea where there is no more or at least much less tragedy and horribleness (I used to want that SO badly...I would fantasize about it the way a lot of people fantasize about some crazy sex in the office with their cute co-worker)..it's different. I used to be so incredibly terrified of the idea of my consciousness just not being there anymore...it's so hard to wrap your head around the idea that one minute your there and the next maybe well you would have no way of knowing that you're NOT there, but you're just not. sometimes though I want that. at one time I would not have even had to have these thoughts at all...I wish they had never come into my mind. boys are nice but men are evil (except for my sweet angel grandfather) and will never know what it means to bleed like a woman.
onewillburn Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 I know exactly how you feel and have felt that way many times, including last night. I kind of associate it with something like a headache, except taking an aspirin won't make it go away. You just have to grit your teeth and keep busy and it will pass. It'll come again, though, and pass again. There have been so many times in the last few months where I've felt completely alone. Just like you, I wanted to close my eyes and just stop. Nobody to talk to, nobody to reach out to. Nothing to even say, really. I had beaten the subject to death in my head and had already come up with everything anybody could possibly say. I just have such a hard time dealing with the feeling that I've failed. When it comes down to it, I depend on other people more than I had realized. I feel like I've lost a huge chunk of my life, but I've also learned so much about myself. I know it sounds silly, but sometimes I feel like I was meant to feel suffering in order to become a stronger person later on. Sometimes depression can be a gateway to new kinds of thinking or forms of expression. Are you into art at all? I found that feeling worthless has helped me channel certain ideas into my music and writing that I would have never thought of otherwise. I've also gotten into different kinds of movies and books because I just look at the world so differently now. Have you tried photography or poetry? The world is so huge and the life you used to lead isn't the only life worth living, as you probably already know. Discover new things. Rent a foreign film you might have never watched before. Take pictures and write stuff down. Focus on your creative side a little bit. Use your depression and jadedness as a resource to developing a new side of yourself. I mean, whatever you decide to do, good luck. Bare with it and you'll be a better person for it in the end.
Lamak Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 I felt that way a couple of months immediately after the breakup. I was going through alot of things with my health, family, and emotions. It was just overall a bad time for me. Unlike you, I didn't/don't have a religion to stick to for comfort. All I could really do was just believe in myself and hope that things could get better. I then gave everything I had to all the new tasks in front of me. You have to realize that life is short and you have to take advantage of every day. Everyday you waste feeling sad or depressed over something inevitable (death) or a bad event (breakup) is lost. Learn from the events and become a better person.
carhill Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 If I didn't exist anymore, who would feed my cat? Sometimes reality is really that simple
JamesM Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 boys are nice but men are evil (except for my sweet angel grandfather) and will never know what it means to bleed like a woman. EG, having gone through a depression a number of years ago, I understand how life seems hopeless and everything means nothing. But having made it past the depression and found new hope and enjoyment in life, I can say that while it seems that today will be how your life will always be, it does not have to be that way. In fact, most likely it won't stay like it is today. Right now with the LDR guy leaving you and your grandma dying, this does seem like a nightmare. It seems like you will never wake up. No one here can say that in a few days or months life will be perfect. None of us can say that all of your pain will go away. What we can say is that some of us have been where you are and now have come out the other side. And we can say that it can get better. Tomorrow could very likely bring you the person you need or the happiness that seems so elusive. Today could simply be the dark of night that occurs before the dawn. Don't stop now and quit. You can hold on and look for a better future. You can look around you and see how others have experienced pain and depression, yet they have found happiness and peace. It is quite possible...and even quite likely...that you will soon be one who also comes out of the unhappiness you are now living in. Keep posing. Keep searching. And perhaps see a counselor. Solutions are well within your reach. Take hold and find the one that works for you. Oh, and the sentence I quoted...not all men are evil. Many, many men are out there who are kind and compassionate and caring. Keep looking...there is one for you, too. I would like to think I am a man and not evil, but I guess I don't mind being called a boy either.
Author EarthGirl Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 thanks. I'm trying. I have been living like this for about a decade, no joke...heartbreak after heartbreak after...etc. I think well my heart has been broken many many times..but I think something in my mind/brain finally broke today and I feel really super weird.
Author EarthGirl Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 ...as for there being a nice man out there for me...well I really do not want to go there anymore....I'm not so sure there IS someone out there for everyone...maybe there is, but I am CERTAINLY not sure that everyone has a happy ending in this particular lifetime of ours...or even a happy year or even a happy hour (lol)...some people do...maybe many people...but lots of people don't as well..and it cannot always be chalked up to attitudes in need of adjustment or "getting out there" or "trusting God" or whatever.
TheLoneSock Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Are you a believer? Maybe you're lost from the Lord's flock, and that's why you don't feel whole. Grace feels a lot better than depression, I promise.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 I can say from experience that I thought about that a lot too. Until I was faced with the very real possibility of death more than once. Sometimes it takes a radical thing to put your thoughts into perspective. You start thinking about what it will be like to really be gone. The small joys in life that you take for granted, and will never experience again. The people you will leave behind and never see again. Things that are so small, but are really much, much more significant than heartbreak. I'm not saying to go out and get yourself a horrible illness, or a life threatening situation - only that perhaps a search for something to put your life into perspective might be a welcome thing in your life to accompany and bring a sharp contrast to your search for peace through death. Think of it as completing the yin/yang. For every perspective, it needs an equal and opposite one to make it whole.
Author EarthGirl Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 well I don't KNOW what it would REALLY like to be gone. I have a mindtrippy trouble with the idea of "forever"...but I guess I am still a wholehearted believer in heaven...so I guess at this point I am desperate enough that I would not be especially disappointed if death came to me...more like relieved and grateful. I can't wait to get there really. You know where "hell" really exists...it's no where else but earth itself.
TheLoneSock Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 (edited) well I don't KNOW what it would REALLY like to be gone. I have a mindtrippy trouble with the idea of "forever"...but I guess I am still a wholehearted believer in heaven...so I guess at this point I am desperate enough that I would not be especially disappointed if death came to me...more like relieved and grateful. I can't wait to get there really. You know where "hell" really exists...it's no where else but earth itself. To wish for death instead of facing what God lays before you is not the answer. I'm not sure where you learned about Christianity, and I'm not trying to lecture you, but you seem to have misinformation. The thing you're wishing for, complete non-existence, is in fact what awaits Lucifer and his followers. Final Hell is actually in the void of nothingness, which is where the Lord has promised to cast the 'condemned' in the end. The bible says no one has gone to heaven yet, that won't happen until Judgement Day. When people die they rest in peace and await their final judgement by Christ, 1000 years after his second coming. The human mind cannot fathom what it would ne like to not exist at all. We can't understand what it would be like cease to be. Sure we can imagine what the world would be like without us, but we can't grasp what it would be like to no longer feel or think- it's unknown to us. It's just the way we are, and it's like that for a reason. Hell is not here on Earth. Earth is just where we are tested. Edited October 18, 2009 by TheLoneSock
Author EarthGirl Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 Christians aren't the only ones nor the first ones to believe in heaven.
TheLoneSock Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 (edited) Christians aren't the only ones nor the first ones to believe in heaven. Well if you aren't Christian you could have said so. You responded in a religious light because I spoke about the Lord- meaning Jesus Christ. How was I supposed to know you aren't a follower of Christ? You didn't give any clue at all as to what faith you count yourself among, you just started talking about Heaven, Hell and death. Edited October 18, 2009 by TheLoneSock
Author EarthGirl Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 yeah you've just got to realize that when people talk about heaven hell and death....these are subjects that have been around a long time, longer than Christianity or ANY religion..even though various religions have had a lot (and differing things) to say about them. You assumed I was Christian because from your point of view whenever someone talks about these subjects they must be talking about Christianity or at least want guidance from the Christian Bible, Christ Himself, and/or the Christian way of thinking. But that's because that is your way of thinking and obviously something that is very important to you and takes up a lot of your time (that's great, I'm not criticizing, I have nothing against Christianity...most of my family and friends are some kind of Christian). Actually I was raised Catholic, but for a while I've wanted to convert to Judaism, which I find to be much more fit to my personality, and my soul..but I guess I have not pursued it as much lately because I have been so heartbroken and kind of mad at God right now.
GrayClouds Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 (edited) Are you a believer? Maybe you're lost from the Lord's flock, and that's why you don't feel whole. Grace feels a lot better than depression, I promise. I found myself really depressed so I prayed to God to help. The next morning I was still depressed. Next night I again prayed for God to take away my depression. The next morning I was still depressed. Next night I again prayed for God to take away my depression. The next morning I went to a Doctor and who help me with medication. Next night I again prayed for God to thank him for the brains and courage to find help for my depression. You didn't give any clue at all as to what faith you count yourself among, you just started talking about Heaven, Hell and death. I do not think she had too, maybe Sock, next time be less myopic in your own perspective. Anyway... I want to respond to your post earlier but to be honest I was a bit overwhelmed by it. I intermittently have found myself slipping into the place and have to work very hard to keep from staying there. I have learned there is no singular answer. Though like carhill said sometimes focusing on the small "joys" intensely can hel move thigns forward. I thank you for your post because it has reminded me of that, something easily forgotten when life gets difficult. I wonder EarthG is there a case you have a low grade clinical epression for a such a long time you feels like normal? Edited October 18, 2009 by GrayClouds
Author EarthGirl Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 I wonder EarthG is there a case you have a low grade clinical epression for a such a long time you feels like normal? yeah I do not think I know what "normal" is supposed to feel like anymore. normal to me is sadness. I'm not sure I truly understand that there can be something different than that anymore. I am finally almost completely off of medication and I have wanted to be for a long time. I have always felt that it did not do much for me...if anything it numbed me and masked problems so I couldn't even begin to know how to fix them and didn't let me feel the rare moments of happiness that I might have had. however with my grandmother's death I feel like I've hit yet another low...don't really know what to do with myself.
GrayClouds Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 I can relate, and I agree it does seem like your in a low. I know I had to go through many flavors of meds before I found something that lifted me. I hated the idea of being on meds but when I found something that worked, I hated the idea of going back to where I was. But more then the meds I hae learn that exercise helps a great deal but very hard to do when your down. I suggest to seriously think about talking to a protessioa; again. Lossing someone important like your grandmother can be a real blow. The one thng I have learn recently a big problem with depression is you don't relize how deep your in it when you are, it really f#cks with perspective.
TheLoneSock Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 You assumed I was Christian because from your point of view whenever someone talks about these subjects they must be talking about Christianity or at least want guidance from the Christian Bible, Christ Himself, and/or the Christian way of thinking. To be fair that actually isn't the case, not for me anyway. I'm sure it seems like it. I did assume it this time because when I started speaking about religion it was in a Christian context, and then you went right along with it without any hint of a different view or following like: "I have been thinking about heaven, hell and death a lot lately. In my religion hell is on earth and we go to heaven directly upon death." Or something like that. I actually try to be concious and accepting of the fact there are many many religions besides Christianity, wether it be pagan, islam, wicken, hindu, ect. I like learning about other people's religion because it makes my faith stronger in mine. You could always elaborate on what you follow.
TheLoneSock Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 I do not think she had too, maybe Sock, next time be less myopic in your own perspective. Don't be cynical.
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