he cheated on me

[Star Gazer]

Sometimes I worry that common sense advice which works for other people doesn't apply to me because I'm somehow defective or weird. Like maybe other people would benefit from leaving a bad relationship because they would be able to form new bonds where I'd just languish.

 

You don't have any bonds now, Shadow. There's nothing left of this "relationship" with this tool.

 

It can only get better, but you have to make the first step and make a permanent decision to leave this guy and never speak with him again - ever.

 

And get counseling.

[sb129]

It can take a long time to be used to being single.

 

But once you realise its far, far better to be single than to be "with" someone who makes you feel miserable about yourself, its much easier.

 

That realisation may take some time for you SP- so you can't predict how long it will take based on how long it took someone else.

 

In the end, it was almost like an overnight epiphany for me, but I was nearly 29 by that stage, and I said to myself "enough is enough". It may take you longer than that, but it will be worth it in the end.

[marlena]

I agree with JB too- my 20s were full of partying and one man-drama after another.

 

 

 

Same here. I'd never want to go back to those times. I didn't really gel as a personality until my thirties. That's when I figured out my worth and started setting boundaries and life got much,much better.

 

I'm hoping this is the case with Shadow. One day, she'll wake up and realize how special she is and that NOBODY, NOT A SOUL can tear her down anymore. She'll draw the line at abuse and not confuse it with interest or love. I've seen it happen to many girls. Once they mature and get their head together, the drama stops because not only do they realize it's harmful but also MEANINGLESS. Drama does not add meaning to a relationship or life in general. She'll see that one day.

[Star Gazer]

I had to remind myself that honesty and getting better is more important than what other people think.

 

So true, and the fact that you're seeing that means you're coming into your own and regaining your confidence.

 

I'd never want to go back to those times. I didn't really gel as a personality until my thirties. That's when I figured out my worth and started setting boundaries and life got much,much better.

 

I'm hoping this is the case with Shadow. One day, she'll wake up and realize how special she is and that NOBODY, NOT A SOUL can tear her down anymore. She'll draw the line at abuse and not confuse it with interest or love. I've seen it happen to many girls. Once they mature and get their head together, the drama stops because not only do they realize it's harmful but also MEANINGLESS. Drama does not add meaning to a relationship or life in general. She'll see that one day.

 

Same here.

[shadowplay]

First off.. who expected it ?.. you ?.. if you did then the answer is that you are not listening to yourself.

 

Second.. the answer is in the quoted post.. it is up to you to make the break once you realize that someone has disrespected you to the point of treating you badly.

 

Third..The lying to the posters on LS that have tried to help you..

I've not posted tons on your threads so I'm not insulted by your lies but others might be and with full right to be..

 

I'll tell you a little story about a poster I tried to help on LS many moons ago..

 

I one time helped a poster with a tremendous amount of my time helping him over an addiction to Alcohol that caused a divorce in his/her life..

 

He/she quit drinking and posted about it for months and posted about his/her life without it, they quit with my help as well as the help of other LS'rs

 

After tons of heartfelt advice over months and months of helping him/her and thru pm's etc etc he/she announced that he/she had never quit drinking at all and is still drinking..

He/she and I spoke after the announcement and it was resolved that I could not help her/him thru the internet.

 

I have never posted again on one of his/her threads and absolutely refuse to believe anything he/she posts about anymore..

Just my experience..

 

That's a shame. I don't think it's right to lie to posters who are putting in time to help you because that ensures their help is essentially useless. While I regret not being fully honest about my relationship, I'd like to point out that I still have benefited from the advice I've been given on other aspects of my life.

 

Most of the threads I've started since I stopped posting about my ex have been related to meeting new people, making friends and developing my career.

 

I decided it was finally time to come clean about my relationship, and I'm glad that I did. Being honest on here has forced me to be more honest with myself.

Edited October 23, 2009 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

I don't know the whole story, but I can relate to what I've read so far.

 

Being alone is a bit miserable sometimes. A lot of people will say "you need to be okay with yourself first before you can get involved with a relationship," which is true, but it's hard for those who spend a lot of time alone. As humans, I think we enjoy the company of other people, and there's nothing worse than sitting in your room day after day, alone with your thoughts. I know this because I'm going through it right now, haha.

 

Relating to your scenario, I used to be in a very unhealthy relationship that I stuck with because I hated being alone. To be honest, I am less sad now than I was in the relationship, but it's a different type of sadness. There's pain from an abusive/hurtful relationship, and there's pain from loneliness. They both sting in their own way, but at least you have more control when you're on your own and not attached to something unhealthy.

 

I would say that you did not deserve to be cheated on. I don't know the reasons behind why your guy did so, but in my case, it's because we weren't strong enough to end things (we'd 'break up' countless times but always get back together, because I think we were both afraid to be alone). It took a final act of infidelity to finalize things, and I ended up cheated on. Nobody "deserves" to be cheated on -- it's a character flaw on his behalf.

 

The question is whether or not you have enough self-respect to stand up for yourself. It's hard when you're in the middle of it all -- but he's clearly not after what you're after, and it's clear you guys have different priorities. If you're able to indeed put a finalized end to it, there is the truth that you will now be on your own again. While it may indeed hurt sometimes, you will now have the control to call your own shots, and I think you'll feel a lot better (as I did).

 

Either way, you've always got this board full of people who are willing to talk things out and help you through rough times. I'm sorry that you're feeling this way and hope you have the strength to take care of yourself.

 

I appreciate the honesty of your post when you write that being alone hurts, but in a different way from staying in an unhealthy relationship. It's not going to get better overnight; I need to expect that.

 

I just can't let myself lose faith that there's something better ahead.

[shadowplay]

I don't know. You can look at it another way too. I think it also says she cares about what you guys think..which means she respects you. People often lie to those they care about so why would LS be any different?

 

I've been though enough, and been here long enough to realize that sometimes we can't stop ourselves from self destructive behavior. She couldn't stop herself so she lied so she wouldn't disappoint. Not saying it's right but I don't think it's a huge deal either and support is more important at this point.

 

Anyway jmo

 

Thanks for your post.

[shadowplay]

You don't have any bonds now, Shadow. There's nothing left of this "relationship" with this tool.

 

It can only get better, but you have to make the first step and make a permanent decision to leave this guy and never speak with him again - ever.

 

And get counseling.

 

Yep, that's the brutal truth.

 

I have a feeling one day when I'm in a truly healthy relationship I'll look back a this time and think "WTF was I thinking??"

 

Right now I don't have anything better to compare it to, so that contrast is hard for me to grasp. I guess I just need to trust that it's out there.

[shadowplay]

I realize that from this point on anything I write is suspect. So be it.

 

After I started this thread, I had sex with my ex. I haven't hung out with him in two days. I saw him today because we work at the same place. He tried to hit on me. He told me I looked hot when no one was looking, and whispered something in my ear about screwing me. I smiled but basically ignored him. This guy is seriously a sleaze-bag.

 

The last time we spoke we agreed that we would break up for three weeks, and then reevaluate whether or not to continue our relationship. I know that sounds like too much of a compromise, but it's much longer than we've ever been apart. It was the most separation I felt comfortable with.

 

I'm really, really hoping by the time three weeks is up I won't want him back.

 

I was expecting to feel miserable today, but I actually felt good about being alone. I'm already starting to sense my focus shifting from him to my own life. Whenever people told me my relationship was bogging me down I never fully believed it. But I'm starting to see how that might be the case. He took up so much space in my head. I definitely used him as a distraction from my larger problems.

 

Part of what helped was talking to my first boyfriend (who I'm still good friends with) about his most recent breakup. He forwarded me the final correspondence between him and his gf. His response was understanding; he didn't try to convince her to change her mind. Reading a much healthier reaction to being dumped made me cringe at how I had begged with my ex.

 

Anyway I know this sense of hope probably won't last. I need to prepare myself for the hard times ahead.

Edited October 23, 2009 by shadowplay

[Kamille]

Anyway I know this sense of hope probably won't last. I need to prepare myself for the hard times ahead.

 

The thing is, the feelings of better focus and feelings of well-being actually usually win out in the end, if you give yourself plenty of time to heal. You will one day look back on this time and wonder what you were thinking. You will learn from this and it will make you stronger.

 

But there is no way around the emotional roller-coaster that is part of any break-up. Unfortunately, you will have to live through it.

 

It does get better with time and I garantee that being alone is better then being in a bad relationship. Bad relationships do bring you down, they do affect your self-esteem, your perception of yourself and your perception of the world. And as you know, you have plenty of people who can offer their support here.

 

I do hope for you that you reach a healthier place, where you believe in yourself and everything you have to offer, where you are serene and happy.

[shadowplay]

The thing is, the feelings of better focus and feelings of well-being actually usually win out in the end, if you give yourself plenty of time to heal. You will one day look back on this time and wonder what you were thinking. You will learn from this and it will make you stronger.

 

But there is no way around the emotional roller-coaster that is part of any break-up. Unfortunately, you will have to live through it.

 

It does get better with time and I garantee that being alone is better then being in a bad relationship. Bad relationships do bring you down, they do affect your self-esteem, your perception of yourself and your perception of the world. And as you know, you have plenty of people who can offer their support here.

 

I do hope for you that you reach a healthier place, where you believe in yourself and everything you have to offer, where you are serene and happy.

 

Thanks, Kamille. You're a sweetheart as per usual. I have to say, knowing I have support here does make a big difference.

[sb129]

 

I have a feeling one day when I'm in a truly healthy relationship I'll look back a this time and think "WTF was I thinking??"

 

 

You will.... I promise.