he cheated on me

[shadowplay]

I have a confession. I lied about something on LS because I was incredibly ashamed. My “ex” and I never really broke up. We had a few break periods (when I almost went on the date with that guy and earlier in the year), but we were together for the most part. I apologize to everyone I lied to about this. I’ll understand if you never want to talk to me again. For the record, everything else I have ever posted on LS about myself with the exception of a few names and locations changed has been true. I swear to god.

 

I was ashamed to be starting the same threads over and over, never getting anywhere. And here I’m at it again. But things have deteriorated even farther.

 

As expected he has treated me terribly. He just revealed to me tonight that he cheated on me on Tuesday night (slept with some girl he picked up at a bar) and wanted to dump me for good. This after two years together.

Guys, I can’t even begin to describe what I feel right now. I realize two years ago I cheated on him, which I’ve regretted ever since, but that doesn’t make it any less painful.

 

After crying for hours I just feel numb and when I don’t it’s this horribly sickening feeling…of disbelief. Of wanting to throw up. Of don’t let my mind go there because the thought is too horrible. Do you know what I mean? Images keep flying through my head.

 

As bad as he was, I never thought he would cheat on me.

 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. He put me through so much pain, and I could never let go. Things would be good for weeks or even months at a time. Then something would tick him off and it would all spiral out of control. I’ve also had periods of feeling suicidal (sometimes related to his treatment of me, sometimes not), and when I’ve revealed that to him he’s always tried to dump me because he doesn’t want to be with somebody “crazy.” He never seemed concerned about whether I’d be OK or not.

 

The last two months have been especially bad. He kept trying to dump me, usually out of the blue after weeks of telling me he loved me. Then I stupidly convinced him not to.

 

His complaints about the relationship were 1) I over-relied on him, a point which we disagreed on since I had learned to almost never ask him for help with anything. On the rare occasions that I did (getting locked out of my house, etc.) he never let me hear the end of it. 2) I’m crazy because of my body dysmorphia.

 

The second one is legitimate, but I just can’t wrap my head around him using it to justify the way he’s been. I mean, I wouldn’t treat a stranger on the street like this.

 

He was always irate at me for one thing another, yet I was doing everything in my power to please him. It made no sense. I’m not saying I’m perfect by any means, but I was treating him damn well considering.

 

I gave him so much love, and often communicated to him how much I cared about him. It wasn’t because I wanted him to like me. It was because I cared about him and I felt so bad about the way his mother had scarred him. I blamed myself for not allowing him to love to the best of his ability.

I did sweet things for him up until the end. I spent hours in the darkroom yesterday developing and making prints from a roll of film he had made awhile back because I wanted to surprise him. I cooked him meals, I randomly made him cards to tell him how much I loved him, I made posters for his club, I helped him shoot and edit two projects that he was feeling stressed about.

 

The night before he cheated on me I was talking to my mom and she told me about a favorite patient of hers who had died recently because his bipolar caused him to get a particularly virulent form of dementia in his eighties. She said that people with bipolar tend to deteriorate in old age because the manic episodes are so taxing on their brains. I immediately thought about my ex’s mother and worried that she’d suffer the same fate. Thinking about the fragility of life and his situation with his mother I had the impulse to call him and tell him I loved him. I did and he said in a voice that sounded sincere “aw, that’s sweet Shadow.” The next night he slept with another girl.

 

His justification for cheating is that it was the only way he could think to end the relationship. He wasn’t strong enough to not answer my calls.

 

The most sickening part of it all, in my opinion, was the way in which he told me, and how he reacted to my reactions.

 

First off he told me he felt no regrets about doing it. Then at another point he randomly said how great it was and how he really liked the girl. He told me how he told his roommate about it and how the roommate responded “awesome.”

 

I mean, wtf.

 

I was crying desperately in front of him and he was just coming out with this stuff. His face was completely cold and expressionless as it so often is.

I finally said to him. You know you’ll just treat another girl like this, and he responded, “I guess I’ll just try therapy or something,” as if it wasn’t a big deal.

 

What the **** is wrong with me, guys???

 

I am incredibly pathetic. So pathetic. And can you believe I’m sitting here thinking about agreeing to be his fwb while he ****s other girls, just so I don’t lose him completely?

 

Can you believe he’s snoring next to me in my bed as I write this?

I nearly agreed to have sex with him after he told me he cheated, just because some perverse, masochistic part of me wanted to complete the ****ed-up cycle.

 

My thoughts of suicide have grown more frequent and serious. My life is a nightmare. I keep wishing for it to end. I have never been this bad.

 

Every time I think about what he did I get this indescribable feeling. Of my trust being trampled all over. Of it can’t be true. Not him.

 

I am sure there are people reading this who are probably like “good, she got what she deserves.” Maybe you’re right.

 

I also know how I would react if I read this thread. I would probably just think “yeah, the guy’s an arsehole, obviously.” But it’s different when you actually know the person, when you’re in a relationship with them. It’s this feeling of utter disbelief. Like, I knew this guy completely, I gave him so much of myself, I trusted him, and he crapped all over me.

 

What has kept me hanging on to this miserable relationship, aside from some residual love, is the fear of being alone.

 

It occurred to me that this is the second time in my life I’ve done this. In middle school, I stayed in an abusive relationship with several friends who beat me up regularly because the thought of eating alone in the cafeteria terrified me. Eventually I got smart and dropped the friends, but what happened after made me doubt my ultimate decision. I never really made friends again after that. Something broke inside me. I went through all of high school without talking to anyone, and most of college. I have one friend who is an ex. That’s it.

 

How do I know the same thing won’t happen romantically? I just know with absolute certainty that I’ll never meet another guy.

[shadowplay]

Guys I can't handle this sickening feeling about what he did. It doesn't compare to anything. To know somebody I loved could do that to me and worse still, admit to not giving a crap.

[carhill]

Can I ask you a serious question?

 

 

 

Do you validate yourself as a human being through the relationships you have? Why?

 

Also, adjunct to this, why do you fear being alone?

[xpaperxcutx]

S_P, I'm not saying you deserve this kind of treatment, but the whole time while you had made LSrs believe you had broke up with him, myself included, I can say on the behalf of everybody that we were all relieved and happy that you were able to move on.

 

Now that the truth is out, I can't say anything more other than to remind you to look after yourself. You do have dependency issues which needs addressing, and while a professional is needed, overall it comes down to how you're going to cope the emotions in the coming days and weeks.

 

I wish we can give you more support but seeing as words can only do so much to help you through your ordeal, do you think you can proceed to seek some sort of counseling to help you?

[shadowplay]

Can I ask you a serious question?

 

 

 

Do you validate yourself as a human being through the relationships you have? Why?

 

Also, adjunct to this, why do you fear being alone?

 

1) I don't know. I just know that I feel miserable when I'm alone, or when I think about not being with him.

 

2) Because I've been alone for years. I know what it's like. I'm not one of those people who enjoys being alone. I've also needed to be in the presence of others to feel happy, even as a kid. I like people despite the fact that I have such trouble relating to them. I fear being alone because it's miserable. If I don't have him I will have nobody. No friends, no acquaintances. I'll sit in my room all day. That's how it is.

[shadowplay]

S_P, I'm not saying you deserve this kind of treatment, but the whole time while you had made LSrs believe you had broke up with him, myself included, I can say on the behalf of everybody that we were all relieved and happy that you were able to move on.

 

Now that the truth is out, I can't say anything more other than to remind you to look after yourself. You do have dependency issues which needs addressing, and while a professional is needed, overall it comes down to how you're going to cope the emotions in the coming days and weeks.

 

I wish we can give you more support but seeing as words can only do so much to help you through your ordeal, do you think you can proceed to seek some sort of counseling to help you?

 

Thanks, PC. I'm sorry about misleading everyone. I felt so ashamed of myself, and still do.

 

I just want to say that I really need some support now. It would mean a lot to me.

[carhill]

So right now, while you're posting a response with the cheater snoring away next to you, you feel good? If he wasn't there, you'd feel miserable?

 

So, what happens when you go out in the world by yourself?

 

Perhaps I experience the world in a vastly different way. To me, it's almost like you're in the room, perhaps petting my cat. That's how it feels. In reality, there's nothing around here other than some owls and a few coyotes. I did actually see a few humans today, for work. Guess I better go get the cat before the animals eat him for dinner

 

IMO, your perceptions turns upon your perspective. Change your perspective and you experience the world in a completely different way.

[shadowplay]

So right now, while you're posting a response with the cheater snoring away next to you, you feel good? If he wasn't there, you'd feel miserable?

 

So, what happens when you go out in the world by yourself?

 

Perhaps I experience the world in a vastly different way. To me, it's almost like you're in the room, perhaps petting my cat. That's how it feels. In reality, there's nothing around here other than some owls and a few coyotes. I did actually see a few humans today, for work. Guess I better go get the cat before the animals eat him for dinner

 

IMO, your perceptions turns upon your perspective. Change your perspective and you experience the world in a completely different way.

 

He's no longer here.

 

I can't see how changing my perspective and imagining people that aren't there could combat my loneliness. I wish it could.

[boogieboy]

So right now, while you're posting a response with the cheater snoring away next to you, you feel good? If he wasn't there, you'd feel miserable?

 

So, what happens when you go out in the world by yourself?

 

Perhaps I experience the world in a vastly different way. To me, it's almost like you're in the room, perhaps petting my cat. That's how it feels. In reality, there's nothing around here other than some owls and a few coyotes. I did actually see a few humans today, for work. Guess I better go get the cat before the animals eat him for dinner

 

IMO, your perceptions turns upon your perspective. Change your perspective and you experience the world in a completely different way.

 

To be honest, I can relate to her in this capacity. I dont have any close friends either, no support system. I'm a loner. When your SO leaves you, you have NO ONE at all, and it sucks to sit at home in your own thoughts. Many people have good friends they always hung around, so there is their support system. Its still is sort of co-dependent to a degree for people to utilize a support system of friends, but when you dont have that, the only system is your FWB, if you even have that. I dont think its completely validation, but shes in the middle of emotional roller coaster and risking having no one to talk to for a while.

 

Its so hard to make the move to cut off your ex, I can understand since she has no one to go to that she wouldnt want to do it all at once. Its just a matter of whether Shadow wants to waste more time with the guy, because as long as youre sleeping next to him, it wont get any easier. You have to start convincing yourself to not want him, which you cant do when hes there.

 

My ex left me and since I wasnt working, I sat in my room for days at a time, watching "rescue me" dvd's, and my only support system was her bitch ass texting me every week "what r u up to?" That was before i found this board.

 

Im still working on making friends, but I've always been alone, Im used to it, and I have a hard time hanging around people for long periods of time. So I can surely understand why she wouldnt want to go back out into the world.

[shadowplay]

To be honest, I can relate to her in this capacity. I dont have any close friends either, no support system. I'm a loner. When your SO leaves you, you have NO ONE at all, and it sucks to sit at home in your own thoughts. Many people have good friends they always hung around, so there is their support system. Its still is sort of co-dependent to a degree for people to utilize a support system of friends, but when you dont have that, the only system is your FWB, if you even have that. I dont think its completely validation, but shes in the middle of emotional roller coaster and risking having no one to talk to for a while.

 

Its so hard to make the move to cut off your ex, I can understand since she has no one to go to that she wouldnt want to do it all at once. Its just a matter of whether Shadow wants to waste more time with the guy, because as long as youre sleeping next to him, it wont get any easier. You have to start convincing yourself to not want him, which you cant do when hes there.

 

My ex left me and since I wasnt working, I sat in my room for days at a time, watching "rescue me" dvd's, and my only support system was her bitch ass texting me every week "what r u up to?" That was before i found this board.

 

Im still working on making friends, but I've always been alone, Im used to it, and I have a hard time hanging around people for long periods of time. So I can surely understand why she wouldnt want to go back out into the world.

 

Thanks for understanding. I could totally relate to what you wrote.

[shadowplay]

Guys, I just need to know. Is it my fault that he cheated? The worst part is I'm internalizing it because he says it was justified since it was the only way he could think of breaking up with me and making it stick. I keep thinking he wouldn't have done this to another girl. It's just me; I deserve this.

[carhill]

It's just me; I deserve this.

 

I'll bet you, deep down, don't feel worthy of healthy love. Another bad tape, sorry...

 

Shadow, did you know I lived all alone in a big house with very few friends for nearly 15 years? Since I worked there, it was easy. I could write (and have partially, in my journals) a book on being alone, unhealthy relationships and generally f*cking up socially. Maybe I will someday. I've been where you are. The only person who could change that was me. And so it will be with you. One of those unhealthy relationships was with someone, who, like you, could not be alone. She clung to me until she had used me up, and then moved on to someone else, and someone else, and then back to me, and again to someone else. No amount of outside love could change that inner tape. She has to do it for herself. So do you. Counseling will help you. I know it

[xpaperxcutx]

Guys, I just need to know. Is it my fault that he cheated? The worst part is I'm internalizing it because he says it was justified since it was the only way he could think of breaking up with me and making it stick. I keep thinking he wouldn't have done this to another girl. It's just me; I deserve this.

 

No SP, it's his character and his flaws that made him do the things he did. It's merely your association with him that have entangled you into this messy affair. That said, can you honestly say by now that he is not someone you want to be with? Unless you can truly tell yourself that you're better off without him and have the strength to walk away, no amount of encouragement from outside sources will prompt you to move on.

 

The important thing now is how you can proceed from this betrayal. Staying with him is out of the question and submitting yourself to his needs will not only make it worse, but you will have given away your dignity and self worth. You know you're stronger than that, the only thing is you just need a little reminder from time to time.

[boogieboy]

Guys, I just need to know. Is it my fault that he cheated? The worst part is I'm internalizing it because he says it was justified since it was the only way he could think of breaking up with me and making it stick. I keep thinking he wouldn't have done this to another girl. It's just me; I deserve this.

 

Right now you wont be able to assess your actions in the relationship until youre clearer headed. Whether or not your cheating on him in the past has anything to do with it, well you might never know. He might lie if you ask him, since he's using you right now. All you can do is wait until you can think straight, then you will be able to see if things you did contributed to him wanting to break it off with you.

[Sith Apprentice]

Turn about is fair play. You got what you deserved. He found a better woman and now you're tail lights.

[MindoverMatter]

No idea about your whole story, but I begin to understand why you have so much stacked up anger.

 

It is simple.

 

He doesn't treat you right, you boot him. Do good things for you and good things come to you. As long as you're with him, nothing will get better. Nobody wants to befriend somebody who is miserable - and miserable relationships make you miserable. A bad relationship is a one-way ticket to lonelyville.

 

Try bungee jumping. It will take away the fear of making the first step. Trust me.

[EcstasyX6]

I hear the despair in your post Shadow. You remind me somewhat of my ex. He just relied on me for his happiness, and did everything for me, but he had no social life or interests outside of the home. I'm the opposite,a social butterfly as my Mom calls me, who's very active, and quite happy on my own. I felt strangled by the relationship. I don't know your whole story, but I think therapy could really help you. Perhaps you're co-dependent? My ex is getting therapy now and seems somewhat better, but even though we're divorcing, he says he'll never take off his wedding ring(we had tons of other problems). To me he is refusing to move on even though he can see our relationship is unhealthy.

 

YOU have to decide to take care of yourself and get away from him. He's declared that he wants someone else. His lack of emotion in the face of your crying says that he has little to no empathy, or love for you. You say, "I love you" and he says "aaawww", and not I love you back. You have to find a way within yourself to believe that you can make it on your own.

 

Please go get therapy. I think that will be the best thing for you right now.

[EcstasyX6]

Oh, and I'm not blaming you for the situation in any way, as I don't blame my ex. It just sounds as if the two of you aren't good for each other and you have to somehow find the strength to get away from him. Right now, he's using you for sex, and you are allowing it, while he still sleeps with the other girl. Think about that and the pain it causes you, and HE is inflicting that pain.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Ugh shadow. I used to post under another username and have followed your threads. I have to say that I am not surprised that you lied about the break up. I had a feeling that this was the case. You had so many threads about this guy while in relationship and then nothing. When people break up they usually need MORE support not less. Yet there were no threads about coping with break up, NC or any other related issues.

 

I also feel that nobody on LS can really say anything to help you. You obviously ignored all the advice so far (which is OK and fine) but honestly why would things change now? You have already half forgiven him by allowing him to sleep in the same bed. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this sick and co-dependent relationship will continue. You two really bring out the worst in each other.

 

I don't even find him cheating to be that much worse than many other more subtle cruelties that he has inflicted on you. For your life to get better, you must decide to cut him out of it COMPLETELY. Until you are ready to do that, nothing can help. I don't think that you are nearly ready yet.

[Vertex]

I don't know the whole story, but I can relate to what I've read so far.

 

Being alone is a bit miserable sometimes. A lot of people will say "you need to be okay with yourself first before you can get involved with a relationship," which is true, but it's hard for those who spend a lot of time alone. As humans, I think we enjoy the company of other people, and there's nothing worse than sitting in your room day after day, alone with your thoughts. I know this because I'm going through it right now, haha.

 

Relating to your scenario, I used to be in a very unhealthy relationship that I stuck with because I hated being alone. To be honest, I am less sad now than I was in the relationship, but it's a different type of sadness. There's pain from an abusive/hurtful relationship, and there's pain from loneliness. They both sting in their own way, but at least you have more control when you're on your own and not attached to something unhealthy.

 

I would say that you did not deserve to be cheated on. I don't know the reasons behind why your guy did so, but in my case, it's because we weren't strong enough to end things (we'd 'break up' countless times but always get back together, because I think we were both afraid to be alone). It took a final act of infidelity to finalize things, and I ended up cheated on. Nobody "deserves" to be cheated on -- it's a character flaw on his behalf.

 

The question is whether or not you have enough self-respect to stand up for yourself. It's hard when you're in the middle of it all -- but he's clearly not after what you're after, and it's clear you guys have different priorities. If you're able to indeed put a finalized end to it, there is the truth that you will now be on your own again. While it may indeed hurt sometimes, you will now have the control to call your own shots, and I think you'll feel a lot better (as I did).

 

Either way, you've always got this board full of people who are willing to talk things out and help you through rough times. I'm sorry that you're feeling this way and hope you have the strength to take care of yourself.

[Kamille]

Aw Shadow, I'm so sorry.

 

I agree that it explains a lot. It didn't make any sense to me that you would still be single. And all those threads where you were suddenly over-critical of your appearance make sense if he's been "trying to dump you" for months. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to keep a healthy self-esteem in these circumstances.

 

The good news is: you will get better.

 

I suspect the reason you stayed in this unhealthy relationship for so long is because you wanted to prove to yourself that you were worthy of love, his love. Your fear of being alone no doubt didn't help, and yet it got you stuck in a vicious cycle. You feared being alone so you stayed in an unhealthy relationship which did a number on your self-esteem. You therefore weren't out there, discovering new sides to yourself, making new friends, meeting new men.

 

Truth is, you are a beautiful woman, insighful, sensitive and incredibly bright. Some real time alone will help you gain some strenght. Let it go Shadow, let him go, let it all go. Put it behind you: what you think you need to prove and the fears that constrain you.

 

New page. New you. You can do this. And it will be beautiful.

[pandagirl]

SP, don't beat yourself up over this. You've done nothing wrong.

 

I've been in the position before of trying to make someone love me, and it really tears up your sense of worth. You try so hard to be loving and caring, and yet they treat you like crap and it makes you think you are worthless and unlovable.

 

You'll get to the place of realizing you are a whole person on your own. That just because someone didn't "love you" it doesn't mean you aren't worthy of love. It happens in increments, not overnight. Walk away and don't look back.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I remember having an unhealthy attachment to my ex bf too for about 5 years. He treated me horribly and I went back for more. I tried to end it so many times I have lost count. Nothing anyone said helped and I even lied to my parents and real life friends that we have "broken up for good" when I still saw him in secret.

 

The only way I was able to break away was when I met someone else and formed an EVEN unhealthier attachment to him. This I am still struggling with today. I have forgotten what it's like to go without crying over some guy every day or two. Sigh.

 

I truly hope you end up being wiser than me Shadow.

[sb129]

Guys, I just need to know. Is it my fault that he cheated?.

 

NO!

You are not responsible for his actions, only your own.

 

Shadow, all "lies" aside, this guy IS an ass, last weeks thread about your under eye shadows said it all to me.

 

My ex BF was verbally abusive and made me feel like a worthless POS for a large proportion of our R. I totally understand where you are coming from right now, even though it makes me mad, i understand the horror of being alone and preferring someone (even if they are an ass) to noone.

 

I was 28 when I finally got out of that R, and its pretty scary choosing to be single then when many of your friends are getting married and having babies. But I KNEW that R would destroy me mentally, as yours is doing to you. I was losing the respect of my friends and family for staying, and in the end that mattered more to me than staying with someone who made me so unhappy.

 

Being alone isn't the big bad thing you imagine it to be. For me, it was a chance to examine exactly why I was so attracted to destructive Rs, and work out where I was going wrong.

It also gave me a chance to start to like myself and live for ME again- and during that time I met my H.

 

Turn about is fair play. You got what you deserved. He found a better woman and now you're tail lights.

 

Thats pretty mean.

 

Shadow, please can you not have Nick Drake as your avatar, its making me nervous.

[the beholder]

Ok... thats a news! I'm sorry for you since it must be very hard for you to go through all of this(again). But in a way I'm hopeful that you will come out of it for good.

 

In my perspective the choises you have are very simple - Either you could be miserable for the rest of your life continuing your disruptive relationship Or you could start a new one. I don't mean another relationship by 'a new one' by the way. I mean you need a rest from these crappy relationships you have since 2 years or more... since these are very emotionally tring. What you need is some friends which I know you don't have but its not that hard to make new ones if you try. Besides you'll always have the LS community... you may think it doesn't make any difference in the real world but it does. And all these ppl here behind you only prove one thing - you are a great person and ppl will be more than happy to be friends with you. It is so even when most of the things that the ppl out here know is most of the shadowy parts of your life. The only thing you need to make friends is to be out there.

 

The only thing that can makes you a loner is the fear of beimg one. I can see no reason how staying with your ex(who is the ultimate ass-hole I've ever known abt) is going to help you. The companionship with him will only cause more havoc and more importantly keep you away from making new friends. So stay cool - him cheating on you or the break-up isn't the actual problem, the real one is the guy himself. You must know how big of an ass-hole he is after all hes done to you and trying to invoke depression on you making false comments abt your appearance(which is obvious from your last post) knowing abt your BDD.

 

The thing that concerns me the most is if you are being truthful about other stuff... How serious is your BDD? What I've learned from your posts is that you seem to be comfortable in your skin... is that the real case? You must come out as you feel. If the disorder is serious (which I hope is not) then you need real help rather than lying abt it.