whattodonow12 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 (edited) I posted this over on the marriage board, then found this one and felt it may be better suited here. I have written on the OW/OM forum as I ended up in an A with a friend from college. I won't go into those details since they are already there. We are currently in NC and live on opposite sides of the country. But, I am also currently separated from my H of 18 years. We have 2 children, a teenager and a preteen. He has been verbally abusive and had an anger problem for the majority of our marriage. I made him leave our home earlier this year and we have been living apart. Things for the most part are going okay, but he is constantly working to come back to me. I am so confused right now over my subsequent affair and the way that he has treated me for years and year that I don't think that I am thinking clearly. My H on a daily basis has been sullen and angry, and it has just gotten worse over the past 5 years. He has called me every vile name that you could possibly think of...stayed moody.... threw things at me (such as a loaded gun in his gun belt (he was a police officer))..shoved me.... blamed me for all of our problems... not handled money well. It got to the point where I wondered if our two children (both boys) would turn out just like him. When they were away at a friends house, they would ask "is Dad in a good mood?" when I picked them up. It was the first thing that they would say. I finally reached the point where I felt like just a beat down shell of a person. I am not a perfect person by no means, but I have always treated him and my children very well. Earlier this year, something just snapped, and I decided that I had had enough. I gave him an ultimatum to go to counseling, and if he didn't go, I was going to divorce him. He was extremely angry, and he couldn't figure out why I was acting like this now.. when I have put up with it for 18 years...why couldn't I just keep putting up with it.. (He actually said that!) He didn't go to a counselor then, but I did. I worked hard to regain my "power" in our relationship as it was definitely one sided. He refused at first to go to counseling, but relented when he figured out I was serious. (and this was before my A). I kept giving him a second chance. His counseling sessions have never been ongoing. He has gone maybe 4 times total in a year. Right before I made him leave, we had a horrible night (thank goodness both children were gone to their friend's homes) where he got so angry that he threw one of our dogs against the wall. I went to protect the dog, and he threatened me... "He said, you're next, you don't have your children to protect you now." I was sickened. Of course, he always apologizes and says that he doesn't mean it. (this has been a cycle for years). But, I made him leave. Now, he is trying very hard. He is going to counseling and is on a medication for depression. He seems better when I talk to him on the phone. He wants to come back home, but I still say no. Now, I am feeling guilty for not giving him a chance. But, the reality is that I love him, but I don't feel the love a wife should feel for her husband anymore. I feel like his words and actions have just killed off that love a little bit at a time.. just bit by bit for years. And, there is nothing left. I love him like I love anyone else in my family, but it is not a romantic love. I am worried about trying to pick up the pieces of my life. It is such a mess right now. But, I am working hard to keep things going for my boys. I get pressure from H that he could and would help me more if he was here with me. Any words of wisdom or insight? I need help. The pressure to give him another chance is so exhausting. I don't know what to do. I am worried that I will end right back where I was. Edited October 16, 2009 by whattodonow12
tojaz Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 When they were away at a friends house, they would ask "is Dad in a good mood?" when I picked them up. It was the first thing that they would say. Right before I made him leave, we had a horrible night (thank goodness both children were gone to their friend's homes) where he got so angry that he threw one of our dogs against the wall. I went to protect the dog, and he threatened me... "He said, you're next, you don't have your children to protect you now." I was sickened. Of course, he always apologizes and says that he doesn't mean it. (this has been a cycle for years). But, I made him leave. Most people know that I am Johnny save your marriage cheerleader guy! Folks who have been around awhile also know how i feel about abuse towards women. That is a very personal hot button with me. That is what this is, Abuse and very close to becoming physical if it hasn't already. I would imagine the two scenarios you related above and then decide if you want him in your life and around your children or not. I would also read this thread>> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t194021/ Based on the information given, my advice is stay away. TOJAZ
Author whattodonow12 Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 Thank you, I just read all of it. Gosh, so many similarities. Yes, there have been times that is has been physical and I am scared of that. I don't want to step backwards, at all. One thing that really hit home with me lately was to find out that he was telling my 16 year old son that I was the reason that he couldn't come home. I have been making the effort NOT to involve the 2 children in the ongoing turmoil of our marriage problems. I wanted H to be able to talk to them and try to maintain a fatherly relationship with them. I don't speak ill of him, at all, with them. But, I told my 16 year old son that he didn't know everything and he may not understand why I am taking the actions that I am taking. But, my son said that he knew more that I thought he did. My son: "I have talked to Dad, and I know that the reason that he can't come home is because you won't let him. You are taking my father away from me." Me: "You don't know everything and may not understand why I am taking the actions that I am taking, but it is for the safety of all of us." My son: "If you are talking about him throwing a gun at you, well, it wasn't even loaded." Can you believe it? It seems that it may be okay to throw an UN-loaded gun at me. geesh! I have let it go on too long, and that is my fault.. my cross to bear... but, I have to make sure that these 2 children turn out to be well adjusted productive people in the world. I don't want them to have unhappy marriages. I dont' want to set them up to fail because of what they have viewed. That is when I know I am doing the right thing. It is just hard when you feel like everything is pulling against you.
tojaz Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Well, if you read the thread I suggested, then you also read my friend Allisons story. Abusive relationships escalate and fast. It's not for me or anyone else to tell you what to do, your the one living it. I can tell you what a physically abusive husband took from me, and you read that. Only you know to what level this has reached and up to you to make the best decision to ensure you and your childrens well being, even if they don't see it that way know. The fact that a gun, loaded or not, was present during a violent argument would be reason enough for me. Please keep posting. TOJAZ
Author whattodonow12 Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 Thanks, Tojaz. I will. He was a police officer and it was his work belt that had his 9mm in it. The perfect police officer with all of the awards.... patience, compassion, understanding on the job.... just not at home.
Author whattodonow12 Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 And, I am very sorry for the loss of your friend, Allison
tojaz Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Thanks, Tojaz. I will. He was a police officer and it was his work belt that had his 9mm in it. The perfect police officer with all of the awards.... patience, compassion, understanding on the job.... just not at home. More common then you would think. Not an excuse, just because the gun happened to be in his duty belt dosen't change the fact that he should have been more responsible. Especially a decorated officer. TOJAZ
tojaz Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 And, I am very sorry for the loss of your friend, Allison Thank You! She is sorely missed.
Auroracoladybug Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Sounds like your son needs some counseling with you...16yrs old is enough to begin his own patterns with girls...He needs to know the extent. Please know that you are in my thoughts as well as the boys. I think that you by far made the right move and though you may love him, he being an officer should know that his treatment of you was waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy off.
Gunny376 Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 I'm not your DH, nor did I do a lot of what he did? I am a carrer Marine ~ and I can tell you the pressure and stress of such is un-real. PERFECTUTION IS THE EXPECTION! Your allowed zero defects! You get paid to get it right the first time ~ every time! You don't get paid for screw ups, so called "my bad" etc! You get paid to get it right the first time ~ everytime. Either that? Or someone goes home in a bodybag. All of you need some counseling. Just my honest opinion! The toughtest job in the Marines? Is being a Marines wife! The toughest job in being a COP? Is being a COP's wife! All of you need to just to need to "stand down" back up and re-group.
Gunny376 Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 I would tell him. I need help! You need help! We need help! Our family needs help! Lets get help! Reachout for help! We're over our heads! We need help!
tnttim Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 First things first. Telling someone to do something and asking are 2 different approachs. One is negative the other is positive. Telling them shuts them down, its a command. Asking them opens them up, they get the choice. He's a cop so he gets demands all the time. He is also in a position of power, which has carried over to the home. If you would have stopped this from the jump you wouldn't be here right now, but you know that already. Well there is no time better than right now, not for him, for you. As for your kids, you have to be well before you can make them well. Don't rush for their sack, it's never too late. Your son will see his abuse drive people away. Instead of telling him not to do it, negative. Point out to him that he lost someone because of his abuse, positive. You see the difference. Heres 1 scenario delivered 2 ways, you tell me what you would do as your son. "mom that bitch Sally left again, I got into a fight with her and she hates me and just left." Response 1 in a angry, talking down to voice. "well probably because you yelled at her. You have your fathers anger and look what it did to us. You thought it was okay when he threw his gun at me, just because it wasn't loaded. God I hope you don't end up like him." Response 2 in a calm, confident voice."I understand where you are coming from. It doesn't feel good to be yelled at. Sally really upset you when she yelled at you and that's not right for her to do. " you see the glaring differences between the 2 statements. One is full of negatives and demands. The other is full of positives and understanding. Plus you shut him down with response 1, he doesn't want to hear negatives and demands. In scenario 2 you let him think for himself and you pointed out how her yelling at him made him feel. Leave it up to him to come to that conclusion. Force never works, it does the opposite. Understanding always works. If you don't care about your husband, beleive me he'll start caring for you. An equal positive to an equal negative equals nothing, simple math.
tnttim Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 I would tell him. I need help! You need help! We need help! Our family needs help! Lets get help! Reachout for help! We're over our heads! We need help! You couldn't be further from the truth with this statement. You want help, you don't need it. You'll live without help, that's a want. You'll die without help, that's a need. Are you going to die without help?
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