AmberJ Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Hey everyone, I just signed up here. My name is Amber, I'm almost 20, and I'm in need of some advice. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We have a lot of chemistry and I feel like I can really be myself around him. We don't have a ton of similar interests but we can always find something to talk about. So that part's great. Here's the thing though... he has no job, no car, and very rarely will he have even a few dollars. This means I really haven't been on a 'date' in over a year. The few times we have gone out, it's always me picking him up and taking us there, having to watch what I order so he'll be able to afford it, and then me taking him back home. He lives about 20 minutes away so all this gas money is starting to add up, and I never get compensated for any of it. I'd probably have to guess I've spent hundreds of dollars on him, whether it was on gas, food, or random presents to let him know I was thinking about him. When I'm paying, he'll order something and not even care about how expensive it is, but I always have to be careful to not go over a few dollars. I feel like he's being selfish! I'm going to be 20 in a couple months, and I feel like I'm missing out. I get jealous hearing about the places other girls' boyfriends have taken them, or the cute little gifts they've received from them. I never even received a Christmas, birthday, or Valentine's gift and I gave him a little something on all those holidays. I feel like crap when I think like this, as if I'm being shallow to want things from my boyfriend, but I really don't know how much more of this I can take. This relationship has made me feel guilty whenever someone offers me something, because I'm just not used to people doing things for me. Am I wrong to want someone who can do more for me? I mean, I really don't expect a lot (a teddy bear, movie, or dinner once in a while) but right now... I feel like I'm not getting anything! I've brought it up to him before, and he promised me a lot of things to make me happy. It's just, it's promises he can't fulfill which just leaves me feeling like I'm waiting for something that'll never happen. Should I stay with him and try to ignore this problem and be happy that we're compatible, or try to find someone else?
Soul Bear Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Amber, you got the wrong end of the stick here. You should NEVER IGNORE a problem in a relationship. If something is bothering you, you need to be able to talk about it, and the same goes for him. Obviously this is bothering you, and it is a big problem as you are thinking of ending the relationship before you know if he is willing to fix up and look sharp.... So C O M M U N I C A T E
sumdude Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Sounds like an unbalanced relationship. You don't seem to be asking for anything extravagant just some give and take. You're young, consider the options out there.
xpaperxcutx Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 The real question is what exactly is it that is keeping him from a job? If he is around your age ( twentysomething) then he should either be in college or at least be doing something self sustainable to pay the bills. Does he still live at home? People like him who are unaccountable for their future and those who have no plans in life should not even consider being in a relationship until their affairs are in order. That said, do you think that in the long run, the compatibilities the two of you share be sufficient enough to sustain relationship? You're still young and there are plenty of opportunities to seek better people who are capable of doing something with their lives. It's time for you to think about the long terms of being with someone who can only promise yet not willing to follow said promises with actions.
boogieboy Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Why are you holding all this in? You need to say something to him. Tell him he has to shape up or ship out. Problem is, you let him get away with this for so long, he probably wont want to change.
Author AmberJ Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 He stills lives at home, yes. He's had two part-time jobs before in high school but was never able to hold one for more than a month or two. He's says that since he doesn't have a car, he can't get to a job. And since he doesn't have a job, he can't afford a car. Agh. He can't afford college, so he's been talking about going into the Air Force for about a year and is finally making some progress with it. He tells me he'll be able to pay me back for everything once he gets on base, but that could be months from now and he could be in another state and I'm not currently willing to give up my current school, job, etc. to go live with him. And yeah, give and take is a good way to put it. I'd be happy going half and half, but right now it's no where near that. Why are you holding all this in? You need to say something to him.I did say something to him, and even said I was thinking about breaking up with him. That's when the unfulfilled promises started. Also, thanks everyone who's answering.
xpaperxcutx Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 He stills lives at home, yes. He's had two part-time jobs before in high school but was never able to hold one for more than a month or two. He's says that since he doesn't have a car, he can't get to a job. And since he doesn't have a job, he can't afford a car. Agh. He can't afford college, so he's been talking about going into the Air Force for about a year and is finally making some progress with it. He tells me he'll be able to pay me back for everything once he gets on base, but that could be months from now and he could be in another state and I'm not currently willing to give up my current school, job, etc. to go live with him. And yeah, give and take is a good way to put it. I'd be happy going half and half, but right now it's no where near that. I did say something to him, and even said I was thinking about breaking up with him. That's when the unfulfilled promises started. Also, thanks everyone who's answering. I advocate a break up then. It isn't enough that you give your 100% yet seeing how he's too lazy to put in any amount of effort, the only thing you can do is go on with your life with people who will prove more positive. You cannot change him, he can only change IF he decides to. Thus, even if you do end up getting promise after promise from him, the likely event of any of those promises to occur are close to zero. A personal story, my ex was exactly like your boyfriend. He was jobless and still lived at home. I put up with him in hopes that he will change, and I urged him to at least apply to college. His action never matched his words, and needless to say, he's my ex. The consequences of sticking things out with a person like this is that they'll drain you emotionally and financially. They will use promises as manipulation to keep you from contemplating a breakup. Even if you're willing to put up with him now, somewhere down the road you will resent him. Therefore, make your decision now rather than later where you will truly regret having to be with against your better judgments.
Sith Apprentice Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 I say break up with him. If he joins the military chances are you'll never see him again anyway.
carhill Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 The cruel irony is that the very thing she loathes is what provides him with the time and energy to be a great boyfriend in all ways but monetarily. FWIW, with all the economic cutbacks, the military isn't taking just anyone anymore, especially the Air Force. He might be in for a rude awakening there. If I were you, I'd start looking at plan B.
Vertex Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 There are always options out there for those who can't afford college -- and even then, at various colleges, there are work study programs and lots of access to work by foot.
Clep Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Sounds like he has everything in order to me. Mom and dad are paying for him to live, you are paying for the extras. Sounds like he is not required to support himself for those reasons. He also sounds like a person with little ambition or self worth. I understand exactly your dilemma. I used to date poor guys only, not that I seeked them out, or that I wouldn't date one again. It just turned out that the guys I fell for were poor. Either way I always paid for everything. Never had even small gifts, never went anywhere. It sucked. I ended up falling for a guy who isn't poor. We have our ups and downs, but for the most part he is great. He does all the things that I love that don't take money, as well as the things that do. It is nice on my birthday to not have to hear "you just have to wait until pay day for your gift"....like he doesn't have a year to plan and save for my special day. When my bf and I go out he pays and what I order is not an issue at all. I don't know about you but after my past relationships I could not for a long time accept anything from my current bf. I would cry and feel terrible if he bought me anything and it took lots of work for me to accept anything from him. He would feel bad when I was upset about it. I have finally learned to say thank you, be so appreciative and happy he does wonderful things with me and for me. I hope you don't gain the same hangup I had. Just a thought.
Skump Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 He can't afford college, Uh, baloney. We have these things called state schools and loans. And the payments and interest upon the latter are deferred until graduation from the former. Given his general fecklessness, my LOSDAR is pinging. Ascend to higher altitude to avoid a harsh collision.
Author AmberJ Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 Sounds like he has everything in order to me. Mom and dad are paying for him to live, you are paying for the extras. Sounds like he is not required to support himself for those reasons. He also sounds like a person with little ambition or self worth. I understand exactly your dilemma. I used to date poor guys only, not that I seeked them out, or that I wouldn't date one again. It just turned out that the guys I fell for were poor. Either way I always paid for everything. Never had even small gifts, never went anywhere. It sucked. I ended up falling for a guy who isn't poor. We have our ups and downs, but for the most part he is great. He does all the things that I love that don't take money, as well as the things that do. It is nice on my birthday to not have to hear "you just have to wait until pay day for your gift"....like he doesn't have a year to plan and save for my special day. When my bf and I go out he pays and what I order is not an issue at all. I don't know about you but after my past relationships I could not for a long time accept anything from my current bf. I would cry and feel terrible if he bought me anything and it took lots of work for me to accept anything from him. He would feel bad when I was upset about it. I have finally learned to say thank you, be so appreciative and happy he does wonderful things with me and for me. I hope you don't gain the same hangup I had. Just a thought. Perfectly descriptive of my situation. I've only had one boyfriend before in high school, but he was also pretty poor. He didn't have a job or a car either, but he'd do extra chores for his parents to get a little extra money to go out or get me a gift. At least he made some kind of effort. It'll probably take me awhile to ever feel comfortable accepting things from other people. Hell, last week me and my friend went out to eat and I paid for her since she drove the whole 3 miles to the restaurant. I was like... wait, I can't afford to do this! Hopefully, I'll end this relationship within the next week or two, whenever I see him again. Thanks everyone.
Clep Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Perfectly descriptive of my situation. I've only had one boyfriend before in high school, but he was also pretty poor. He didn't have a job or a car either, but he'd do extra chores for his parents to get a little extra money to go out or get me a gift. At least he made some kind of effort. It'll probably take me awhile to ever feel comfortable accepting things from other people. Hell, last week me and my friend went out to eat and I paid for her since she drove the whole 3 miles to the restaurant. I was like... wait, I can't afford to do this! Hopefully, I'll end this relationship within the next week or two, whenever I see him again. Thanks everyone. I had to go to a forum to ask for help with my hangup as it was offending my bf. A lady told me to use the alphabet. A...he loves me and wants to see me happy. B....he likes to see me in the nice dresses he buys me..etc. etc. One time he sneaked a dress to the till for me and I cried all the way to his vehicle. After that was when I went to the forum. I let him know I am really working on it and he said "good". We will be shopping this weekend then. My heart started to pound right away but I went that weekend anyways. At the till I muttered quietly my abc's and didn't cry. He asked me later if all I could get to in the alphabet was F. haha. Now I have no problem with it at all and love the feeling of wearing a dress HE buys me. Things are more meaningful when they come from him. Good luck with everything, and if you ever get with a guy that buys you things....maybe keep your abc's in mind. It worked for me.
justforfun Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 He tells me he'll be able to pay me back for everything once he gets on base. Yeah right!
harmfulsweetz Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 There are other ways to handle this situation other than leaving him. He may not have the motivation, the drive or the self worth to get a job. So he may need a push in the right direction. Casually pick up a jobs paper, some job ads etc, and go through it with him. See where you can find locally hiring, (I know pain right?) that he can do. Give him that little shove. If he has no money because he has no job you can't expect that to change overnight. I remember my friend whose now been with her bf for nearly 5 years, he didn't work for the longest time. He had the odd job now and then, but nothing permanent. He now has a permanent job which he has been in for a while, and they do things together, etc. For him, it was motivation. After being let go from several jobs, he didn't think he could find one. But he has. It's not all doom and gloom. There are certainly options to try. If he doesn't try to find a job, then ditch.
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