daughters camping trip

[2sure]

You know, let her bio dad go camping.

And well you are at it ...stop getting angry when she doesnt have to do home work every other weekend at his house.

And forget about what she eats and the discipline she doesnt get when she is there too.

And all the great things they can do together because he doesnt have the responsibility of day to day.

 

Your Husband is RAISING YOUR DAUGHTER.

Thats the blessing and what she will take with her.

 

Stop begrudging anyone else, find some graciousness ...eventually she will recognize that as well.

 

Dont get me wrong - I get it, I understand, I live it. But if your ex is capable of taking this on, let him.

[bentnotbroken]

If what you say is supposedly true, how is my daughter going to suffer from this? She has her family here, not at her bio fathers house. The more a child is with their family, the better in my opinion.

As for my ex, I think he is a hypocrite. If he really loved her, he would want the best for her and that does not mean going back and forth, having to live two lives at two houses. He is the selfish one by insistently exercising his custody.

 

 

I haven't read the entire thread, so please bear with me. If you were in your ex-husband shoes and his opinion was the same as yours and another woman was going to take your place on a trip with your child...be truthful, how would you feel. Money and family units don't mean a lot if a child is denied a part of who they are. He is her father and he "wants" to be a father. Let him.

[scatterd]

One thing will never change and that is the fact that her blood dad is her dad.You sound like a scourned woman.I have two kids with different dads they both have their blood dads and their step dad.They are happy with it that way.Someday your daughter will resent you.How is it what you want is what it should be.Do you have a dad?I had both and my mom never would have hurt me in that way.Im sorry but this seems so unfair and one sided.

[Cheetara]

You know, let her bio dad go camping.

And well you are at it ...stop getting angry when she doesnt have to do home work every other weekend at his house.

And forget about what she eats and the discipline she doesnt get when she is there too.

And all the great things they can do together because he doesnt have the responsibility of day to day.

 

Your Husband is RAISING YOUR DAUGHTER.

Thats the blessing and what she will take with her.

 

Stop begrudging anyone else, find some graciousness ...eventually she will recognize that as well.

 

Dont get me wrong - I get it, I understand, I live it. But if your ex is capable of taking this on, let him.

 

I think you do actually understand me. My daughter gets NO discipline while she is over at her bio fathers. Hes got nothing but junk food and they only eat pizza for meals. Sometimes she does have homework over the weekends and of course it never gets done, so she'll have to do it at the last minute on Sunday night when she gets back here. She'll be in a bad mood, I'll be in a bad mood....and its all because my ex is too irresponnsible to have her do it on his part of the weekend.

So you call this a blessing. I want to know how any of this is a blessing? I'm not trying to argue. I really want to know.

 

Why is it that a man can get it up long enough to impregnate someone. But he can't remember to have his kid do her homework and he can't learn how to make a sandwhich for crying out loud. How is any of this enriching my daughters childhood?

[sb129]

Because he is her dad. And he clearly WANTS to be involved in her life as much as he is allowed to be.

 

He is not you.

 

You, as her mother and primary caregiver, have a different role to play than he does.

 

Of course you can't be as lax about her diet and homework as he is- she lives with you most of the time.

 

But for two weekends a month, does it really matter that there is a relaxation of your rules when she is at her dads?

She isn't going to have long term issues just because she eats pizza and doesn't do her homework couple of times a month.

 

She WILL have issues if you constantly criticise her dad and try and keep him out of her life.

Isn't it just a good thing that she sees him at all?

[bentnotbroken]

I think you do actually understand me. My daughter gets NO discipline while she is over at her bio fathers. Hes got nothing but junk food and they only eat pizza for meals. Sometimes she does have homework over the weekends and of course it never gets done, so she'll have to do it at the last minute on Sunday night when she gets back here. She'll be in a bad mood, I'll be in a bad mood....and its all because my ex is too irresponnsible to have her do it on his part of the weekend.

So you call this a blessing. I want to know how any of this is a blessing? I'm not trying to argue. I really want to know.

 

Why is it that a man can get it up long enough to impregnate someone. But he can't remember to have his kid do her homework and he can't learn how to make a sandwhich for crying out loud. How is any of this enriching my daughters childhood?

 

 

Now not to be rude, but in your ex's defense, you were there to when you got pregnant and you chose the partner who impregnated you. Did you discuss parenting skills before you two had sex, who would be responsible for what, how a child is to be disciplined, educated, moral values. I would guess not, since most of us didn't. But it is quite unfair for you to talk about what him impregnating as if you weren't involved in the process. More thought should be put into who we bring children in the world with. You seem to be more than a little angry about his parenting skills. How is your anger enriching her childhood?

[sb129]

It takes two to tango....

[sally4sara]

Teenagers tend to view their parents with distrust, even if you now believe you're doing the right thing by only allowing her to see her father once every other weekend, or you want her to spend more time with her step dad instead of her real father, this is going to be viewed with a lot of suspicion when she gets older; she'll start wondering "what is mom really hiding from me?" and then she'll remember those disconnected memories that she had growing up with her father not being around, even if he wasn't an idyllic parent, she'll resent you for not allowing her to assess the situation on her own. Eventually, she'll take the initiative on her own, and if your story and the story she has formulated in her imagination don't exactly add up, there's going to be hell to pay on your end. And the more you try to strong arm your agenda into her life, the more you risk alienating her. Even if she no longer has any culpable feeling towards her father for not being the father he should have been, you're going to brunt the largest share of any ill feelings, or aggression she might have, as a side effect of being the primary parent in her life you've made yourself into the biggest, and most convenient target for her to shoot at. And you've given her ample ammunition to work with.

 

This is an amazingly insightful and accurate prediction of this little girl's future.

 

Though, like 2sure posted:

 

"Dont get me wrong - I get it, I understand, I live it. But if your ex is capable of taking this on, let him."

[Cheetara]

Now not to be rude, but in your ex's defense, you were there to when you got pregnant and you chose the partner who impregnated you. Did you discuss parenting skills before you two had sex, who would be responsible for what, how a child is to be disciplined, educated, moral values. I would guess not, since most of us didn't. But it is quite unfair for you to talk about what him impregnating as if you weren't involved in the process. More thought should be put into who we bring children in the world with. You seem to be more than a little angry about his parenting skills. How is your anger enriching her childhood?

 

Our daughter wasn't planned, so obviously there was no discussion on parenting skills.

My point however was that if my ex put half as much energy and effort into improving himself as a person and a father, as he does in mounting any female that will stay still long enough, then I'd have a great deal more repsect for him.

On the other hand, my husband, whose been a father for a much shorter amount of time than my ex, is not only a better parent, but he is always looking for ways to improve his parenting even more. Keep in mind, his schedule is much busier than my ex's and he has MORE children, so what is my ex's excuse?

My husband knows how to cook. He makes sure our children don't sit in front of the TV, hes even mastered the skill (intimidating for most men I've noticed) of french braiding his daughters hair. And every day he surprises me with something about his parenting that I didn't know before.

 

I think he sets a great example on how a true man should act towards his wife. And my daughters are enriched by his example. What kind of example does my ex set for his bio daughter? How to be a bi-polar wreck.

[bentnotbroken]

Our daughter wasn't planned, so obviously there was no discussion on parenting skills.

My point however was that if my ex put half as much energy and effort into improving himself as a person and a father, as he does in mounting any female that will stay still long enough, then I'd have a great deal more repsect for him.

On the other hand, my husband, whose been a father for a much shorter amount of time than my ex, is not only a better parent, but he is always looking for ways to improve his parenting even more. Keep in mind, his schedule is much busier than my ex's and he has MORE children, so what is my ex's excuse?

My husband knows how to cook. He makes sure our children don't sit in front of the TV, hes even mastered the skill (intimidating for most men I've noticed) of french braiding his daughters hair. And every day he surprises me with something about his parenting that I didn't know before.

 

I think he sets a great example on how a true man should act towards his wife. And my daughters are enriched by his example. What kind of example does my ex set for his bio daughter? How to be a bi-polar wreck.

 

 

If everything you say is true about your H, then what's the problem? He has day to day influence that can't be whipped out in a weekend. And by the way you do know that bi-polar and several other mental illnesses are hereditary. If this is your daughter's fate, will you treat her with as much compassion as you do her father. IMHO you are so angry at him it is going to bleed over into your current relationship eventually. Including the one with your daughter. If you haven't had counseling, it may be a good idea.

[sb129]

Our daughter wasn't planned, so obviously there was no discussion on parenting skills.

My point however was that if my ex put half as much energy and effort into improving himself as a person and a father, as he does in mounting any female that will stay still long enough, then I'd have a great deal more repsect for him.

 

You obviously didn't have a problem with him mounting you at the time though.

 

So he isn't as "good" a parent as you.

Sounds like you stick to those every other weekend rules rigidly enough to make sure he doesn't get many chances to prove himself otherwise- this camping trip is a great example of a chance he has to putting "energy and effort into improving himself as a person and a father"

 

But you don't want to give him that chance either. So its lose-lose for him, hes damned if he does, and hes damned if he doesn't.

 

He is a WILLING parent who obviously wants to be involved. Let him, and he may end up proving to you that he can be a good dad.

[2sure]

I think you do actually understand me. My daughter gets NO discipline while she is over at her bio fathers. Hes got nothing but junk food and they only eat pizza for meals. Sometimes she does have homework over the weekends and of course it never gets done, so she'll have to do it at the last minute on Sunday night when she gets back here. She'll be in a bad mood, I'll be in a bad mood....and its all because my ex is too irresponsible to have her do it on his part of the weekend.

So you call this a blessing. I want to know how any of this is a blessing? I'm not trying to argue. I really want to know.

 

Why is it that a man can get it up long enough to impregnate someone. But he can't remember to have his kid do her homework and he can't learn how to make a sandwhich for crying out loud. How is any of this enriching my daughters childhood?

 

Yep. I could have written that. Ive had the same scenario for a few years so I'll share with you what I have learned:

 

Your daughter is being raised by you and her step father. You are the parents here. Its hard for you, the bio mom to see your H ever under appreciated. Thing is, children dont really appreciate Parents until they are grown. Its natural. From you - they EXPECT. From her weekend Dad, she is thrilled to get...socks or something. I know. Let it GO.

 

My ex was basically raised by wolves. At times it has for me , felt irresponsible for me to allow her to even visit. But thats past and the result is she knows where her home is. She knows what our family values are. She knows her dad needs her as a buddy but couldnt find a glass of water if she was on fire.

 

You have to get completely OUT of the mode that your husband and her dad are in any competition. You have to learn to accept that your ex is not responsible and make your daughter do some lifting as far as homework and eating right when she visits there.

 

As to the camping weekend...you know , the parents are usually distributed according to gender anyway. Dads with the boys. Moms with the girls. So neither one of them will really be with her. Call it done and go yourself or tell both of them to stay home.

[fooled once]

Our daughter wasn't planned, so obviously there was no discussion on parenting skills.

My point however was that if my ex put half as much energy and effort into improving himself as a person and a father, as he does in mounting any female that will stay still long enough, then I'd have a great deal more repsect for him.

On the other hand, my husband, whose been a father for a much shorter amount of time than my ex, is not only a better parent, but he is always looking for ways to improve his parenting even more. Keep in mind, his schedule is much busier than my ex's and he has MORE children, so what is my ex's excuse?

My husband knows how to cook. He makes sure our children don't sit in front of the TV, hes even mastered the skill (intimidating for most men I've noticed) of french braiding his daughters hair. And every day he surprises me with something about his parenting that I didn't know before.

 

I think he sets a great example on how a true man should act towards his wife. And my daughters are enriched by his example. What kind of example does my ex set for his bio daughter? How to be a bi-polar wreck.

 

To answer your other question on page 3 of how my friend died -- he had been over medicated which started to affect his kidneys and his doctor didn't realize how bad his blood pressure was and he ended up having a stroke while at work at someone's house and he never woke from it. He ended up having a a blood vessel burst in his head and the brain surgery didn't work. He died 5 days later; he never woke up.

 

Back to the original topic ~ I have an ex too. I GET that your ex is ****ty. So is mine. He rarely took his e/o/w visitation. For the first year after our split, when my S was 6, he never TOOK HIM FOR VISITATION. He would come to my house and see him for about 5 minutes every few weeks. After that, he moved and my son didn't even have a bedroom at his house. My S slept on a COUCH for 5 years. He never had food for him. I use to send juice boxes and snacks for my son. My ex would pick him up on Saturdays (although he had visitation starting on Fridays) and return him Sunday by noon (and he was technically allowed to keep him until 6).

 

He never did homework with him. He never took him on vacation. He never spent quality time with him. I remarried when my S was 9 and my H has been an amazing StepFather to him. But he is not my son's dad.

 

My son was in the band. My ex never went to a performance. My ex paid his measly support each month; but only after I had to harass him for WEEKS about it. Looking back, I should have had it garnished, but I didn't because he asked me not to. But for every month, for 12 years, I had to call him and call him and call him regarding paying it.

 

But he is still my son's father. I picked him. My son was planned. My son is his ONLY child. But he has little to do with him. I was actually shocked he attended his high school graduation 2 years ago.

 

I haven't seen or spoken to him in over 2 years. I have no need to. He rarely calls our son. Recently, my H made a decision to co-sign a loan on a house for my son. MY Husband did that; not my son's father. My son's father said a year ago he would do that, but as usual, he never followed through.

 

I allowed my ex access to our son whenever he wanted it. He chose to not take it. I can't understand why he wouldn't want to be involved. I can't understand how he could basically turn his back on our son.

 

But ya know what, I benefitted from it. I despise the 'man' he is, he isn't a father. He didn't raise our son, I did. I had help along the way, but my son was my responsibility.

 

It wasn't up to me to teach my ex how to be a dad. That was his role and he failed miserably. But my son still loves him. He is constantly looking for acceptance, praise, respect from his dad. My son is 20 years old, owns his own house, works hard and is an incredibly young man. I am prouder than anyone as a parent.

 

My ex is just different than me. Just like your ex is different than you. Accept it for what it is. You can't change him. You can't make him be a better dad. But you CAN foster a relationship with your D and him. Just like I did with my son.

 

Stop carrying around all the anger and hate for him. The past is gone, your D is here. Find a way to deal with your anger. Don't pass it on to your daughter. So she has pizza. It isn't going to kill her. Regarding the homework, at 8, I doubt it is that much homework so her doing it Friday before she goes to dad's might be an answer.

 

But restricting his time and demanding and deciding that her STEPfather is now her dad is NOT the way to go. She has a dad and she has a stepdad. She has a lot of love. She gets more than a lot of kids get. Your H should realize he isn't the dad and not try to take the father's role. My H did a LOT for my son, but he knows my son has a father.

 

How would he like it if things don't work out with you two (because you never know, you two could divorce down the road) and you moved in another man to be the father of his children.

 

It is called respect. YOU don't have to respect your ex, but you DO have to respect that he is the father of your child.

 

I am married to a man who was a non-custodial father and I watched him hurt over the years by stuff his ex wife pulled.

 

And during his visitation time, he enjoyed it and spent quality time with his kids. His ex remarried and while she was a b*tch in every way, she never decided that her new husband (who she is now divorcing) was the dad.

 

So look at your actions. Put yourself in his shoes. How would YOU want to be treated? Treat him accordingly. Like I said you never know what life is going to throw at you and I am pretty dang sure you wouldn't want your ex's new girlfriend to become mommy and take your place.

[Cheetara]

You obviously didn't have a problem with him mounting you at the time though.

 

What is it with you? Is your mind always in the gutter?

[Cheetara]

If everything you say is true about your H, then what's the problem? He has day to day influence that can't be whipped out in a weekend. And by the way you do know that bi-polar and several other mental illnesses are hereditary. If this is your daughter's fate, will you treat her with as much compassion as you do her father. IMHO you are so angry at him it is going to bleed over into your current relationship eventually. Including the one with your daughter. If you haven't had counseling, it may be a good idea.

 

If my daughter turns out to be bi-polar because of him, I will go over to his house and personally 'sterilize' him with my own two hands.

 

But yes, I will always have compassion for my daughter. But not always patience. Always compassion and love though.

[Cheetara]

 

Yep. I could have written that. Ive had the same scenario for a few years so I'll share with you what I have learned:

 

Your daughter is being raised by you and her step father. You are the parents here. Its hard for you, the bio mom to see your H ever under appreciated. Thing is, children dont really appreciate Parents until they are grown. Its natural. From you - they EXPECT. From her weekend Dad, she is thrilled to get...socks or something. I know. Let it GO.

 

My ex was basically raised by wolves. At times it has for me , felt irresponsible for me to allow her to even visit. But thats past and the result is she knows where her home is. She knows what our family values are. She knows her dad needs her as a buddy but couldnt find a glass of water if she was on fire.

 

You have to get completely OUT of the mode that your husband and her dad are in any competition. You have to learn to accept that your ex is not responsible and make your daughter do some lifting as far as homework and eating right when she visits there.

 

You make alot of sense. But let me ask you this, does your daughter, who you say realizes now that your ex is irresponsible, does she respect him as a father, or as a buddy? Does she respect him the same way she respects you or your husband? Or does she think of him as some bumbling buffoon who just happens to have contributed a few chromosomes?

 

Maybe I can make my daughter start being a little responsible about the homework/eating habits in a few years. She's only eight now. I can't expect much.

 

And heres another question, and this one is for everybody, since it seems like every mother who has posted in this thread has a child or children by a total loser, just like me.

Why do we always end up with total losers for 'baby daddy's'? I've posted my problem on a few other message boards, with pretty much the same kind of response as all of you have given me. And every mother who has some advice for me is in the same boat. Loser father, winner stepfather. Why are we so terrible in choosing the partners that we make children with? In my own case? Young and stupid I guess....

[tinktronik]

If my daughter turns out to be bi-polar because of him, I will go over to his house and personally 'sterilize' him with my own two hands.

 

But yes, I will always have compassion for my daughter. But not always patience. Always compassion and love though.

 

How does that square as "his fault" if you had a child with him knowing he had a mental health disorder that could be passed along genetically? If he didn't know then, then he didn't know either.

[tinktronik]

You make alot of sense. But let me ask you this, does your daughter, who you say realizes now that your ex is irresponsible, does she respect him as a father, or as a buddy? Does she respect him the same way she respects you or your husband? Or does she think of him as some bumbling buffoon who just happens to have contributed a few chromosomes?

 

Maybe I can make my daughter start being a little responsible about the homework/eating habits in a few years. She's only eight now. I can't expect much.

 

And heres another question, and this one is for everybody, since it seems like every mother who has posted in this thread has a child or children by a total loser, just like me.

Why do we always end up with total losers for 'baby daddy's'? I've posted my problem on a few other message boards, with pretty much the same kind of response as all of you have given me. And every mother who has some advice for me is in the same boat. Loser father, winner stepfather. Why are we so terrible in choosing the partners that we make children with? In my own case? Young and stupid I guess....

 

Nah, not me. I hated my ex as a husband and he's not much of one to the current wife from what I can see [and from my personal standard]. But, although he makes mistakes, some drastic, he really does try his damnedest to be a good father and in his way he is succeeding.

[Cheetara]

To answer your other question on page 3 of how my friend died -- he had been over medicated which started to affect his kidneys and his doctor didn't realize how bad his blood pressure was and he ended up having a stroke while at work at someone's house and he never woke from it. He ended up having a a blood vessel burst in his head and the brain surgery didn't work. He died 5 days later; he never woke up.

 

Back to the original topic ~ I have an ex too. I GET that your ex is ****ty. So is mine. He rarely took his e/o/w visitation. For the first year after our split, when my S was 6, he never TOOK HIM FOR VISITATION. He would come to my house and see him for about 5 minutes every few weeks. After that, he moved and my son didn't even have a bedroom at his house. My S slept on a COUCH for 5 years. He never had food for him. I use to send juice boxes and snacks for my son. My ex would pick him up on Saturdays (although he had visitation starting on Fridays) and return him Sunday by noon (and he was technically allowed to keep him until 6).

 

He never did homework with him. He never took him on vacation. He never spent quality time with him. I remarried when my S was 9 and my H has been an amazing StepFather to him. But he is not my son's dad.

 

My son was in the band. My ex never went to a performance. My ex paid his measly support each month; but only after I had to harass him for WEEKS about it. Looking back, I should have had it garnished, but I didn't because he asked me not to. But for every month, for 12 years, I had to call him and call him and call him regarding paying it.

 

But he is still my son's father. I picked him. My son was planned. My son is his ONLY child. But he has little to do with him. I was actually shocked he attended his high school graduation 2 years ago.

 

I haven't seen or spoken to him in over 2 years. I have no need to. He rarely calls our son. Recently, my H made a decision to co-sign a loan on a house for my son. MY Husband did that; not my son's father. My son's father said a year ago he would do that, but as usual, he never followed through.

 

I allowed my ex access to our son whenever he wanted it. He chose to not take it. I can't understand why he wouldn't want to be involved. I can't understand how he could basically turn his back on our son.

 

But ya know what, I benefitted from it. I despise the 'man' he is, he isn't a father. He didn't raise our son, I did. I had help along the way, but my son was my responsibility.

 

It wasn't up to me to teach my ex how to be a dad. That was his role and he failed miserably. But my son still loves him. He is constantly looking for acceptance, praise, respect from his dad. My son is 20 years old, owns his own house, works hard and is an incredibly young man. I am prouder than anyone as a parent.

 

My ex is just different than me. Just like your ex is different than you. Accept it for what it is. You can't change him. You can't make him be a better dad. But you CAN foster a relationship with your D and him. Just like I did with my son.

 

Stop carrying around all the anger and hate for him. The past is gone, your D is here. Find a way to deal with your anger. Don't pass it on to your daughter. So she has pizza. It isn't going to kill her. Regarding the homework, at 8, I doubt it is that much homework so her doing it Friday before she goes to dad's might be an answer.

 

But restricting his time and demanding and deciding that her STEPfather is now her dad is NOT the way to go. She has a dad and she has a stepdad. She has a lot of love. She gets more than a lot of kids get. Your H should realize he isn't the dad and not try to take the father's role. My H did a LOT for my son, but he knows my son has a father.

 

How would he like it if things don't work out with you two (because you never know, you two could divorce down the road) and you moved in another man to be the father of his children.

 

It is called respect. YOU don't have to respect your ex, but you DO have to respect that he is the father of your child.

 

I can't understand why your ex acted the way he acted either. There is no basis for comprehension. I guess its a guy thing maybe? Why were you so cooperative and paitent with him?

 

I do appreciate your very honest post here....I almost got kind of teary after reading it. It will be hard seperating my ex as the adult, and my ex as the father. But I suppose they are two seperate things huh?...I've defnitely got alot to think about.

[sb129]

What is it with you? Is your mind always in the gutter?

 

I have posted several rational, reasonable posts, and this is the only one you choose to respond to?

 

Where else in this thread has my mind been in the gutter? If I recall, you were the one who brought up the term "mounting".

 

You slept with him in the first place- hence you have a daughter.

 

You wouldn't have a daughter without him.

So he may not be a contender for father of the year.. ho hum. You can't escape the fact that he is her father. You have the majority of time and influence with her, so let the little stuff go.....

[fooled once]

I can't understand why your ex acted the way he acted either. There is no basis for comprehension. I guess its a guy thing maybe? Why were you so cooperative and paitent with him?

I do appreciate your very honest post here....I almost got kind of teary after reading it. It will be hard seperating my ex as the adult, and my ex as the father. But I suppose they are two seperate things huh?...I've defnitely got alot to think about.

 

Because he is my son's father. Period. What good what it have done to fight him at every turn? Why? So I can be superior to him? How would that have benefited my son? My son already knows dad was never there for him, mom was. WHY should I reinforce that with being uncooperative? He obviously had no idea HOW to parent. After I asked for the divorce, he wrote me a letter and asked me to teach him to be a better husband and father. I said hell no. I was too busy being a MOM to teach him to be a dad. And at that point, I was done anyway.

 

We - him and I - made and brought our son into the world. I just don't think he knows HOW to be a dad. I can fault him, but again, what good would that do? He will tell you to this day that I am a b*tch, but I am a damn good mom. *I* raised our son - I did that and I am soo incredibly proud of the man my son is today. All my ex's friends have even told my son "your mom did a good job with you".

 

My son yearns for a better relationship with his dad. Maybe one day they will have one but I never, ever wanted my son to turn to me and say "why did you cut dad out of my life". I never ever wanted there to be even a hint of that. Too many women do that and I can't stand that.

 

These men were good enough for us to have sex with and to carry the baby to term and have it; then we as women have to SUCK IT UP when they turn out to be loser dad's. We can divorce them and retain primary custody (I actually had sole custody) and we can rear our children with the standards and principles we abide by. They will always have their father's genes in them. To tell a kid that their father is a loser is to tell them that they are a loser. And I doubt any of us mom's want to do that to our kids.

 

So, suck it up, stay out of your D's relationship with her dad (unless there is cause for physical safety) and stop fighting him at every turn. Just stop it. You will be amazed at how much less stress you have on you and how much happier your child will be. She knows you despise him, she feels it and she hears it. Let her and dad build their relationship and stop trying to control him, to tell him how to parent and to ease off him and his visitation.

 

MAYBE, just maybe, when you STOP fighting him and throwing it in his face that your current H is a better dad, he just might surprise you and step up to the plate a little bit better.

[flc]

Bottom line is that you are both her parents and it is in HER best interest to get along. The custodial parent almost always has the tougher relationship, you are involved in most of the disciplinary situations since you have the child the most. When the child is with the non custodial parent both the parent and the child tend treat the time as more special since they are together far less of the time. This is just the way it is and it is not the non custodial parents fault.

 

I am a custodial father, my ex lives 1000mi away, when my daughter goes to visit on holidays and during the summer it is always a vacation and fun, when she is with me it is school and work. I don't envy my ex I will gladly deal with the challenges to be with my daughter 90% of the time and I am happy she gets along with her mother and they enjoy their time together. Forget about the problems YOU have with your ex and concentrate on what your daughter needs, which is time with BOTH of her parents.

[2sure]

My daughter is 13 now. She started noticing the big differences between her father's lifestyle/behavior and ours when she was 11. It troubled her.

We talked a lot about this (my house) being her home, differences in values, and priorities.

 

At 12 she started telling him: I'm coming over, but I have homework.

She sees him as a buddy, sometimes feels responsible for his feelings, etc. Basically holds him up as an example of WHAT NOT TO DO.

 

The best thing you can do is keep your grace, keep your values, pick your battles, keep teaching her, dont trash him but point out differences and choices. Dont ever make her feel like she needs to pick!

 

The hardest thing for me has been the times she didnt want to go see him, but didnt want to tell him, didnt want to hurt him....so, I played the bad guy. But we got through it.

[Cheetara]

I have posted several rational, reasonable posts, and this is the only one you choose to respond to?

 

Where else in this thread has my mind been in the gutter? If I recall, you were the one who brought up the term "mounting".

 

You slept with him in the first place- hence you have a daughter.

 

You wouldn't have a daughter without him.

So he may not be a contender for father of the year.. ho hum. You can't escape the fact that he is her father. You have the majority of time and influence with her, so let the little stuff go.....

 

I went back and re-read this thread and you are right. You have given several meaningful posts, so I apologize.

 

Your opinions are always appreciated.

[Cheetara]

Nah, not me. I hated my ex as a husband and he's not much of one to the current wife from what I can see [and from my personal standard]. But, although he makes mistakes, some drastic, he really does try his damnedest to be a good father and in his way he is succeeding.

 

What do you mean by 'his' way? Isn't there only one way?