wheelwright Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I have read that it is possible when soulmates connect, that one can find it too intense and 'runs'. I remember my MM saying he didn't deserve the blissful happiness we felt together. I am a MW and had a year long affair with a MM. Something in my marriage had died (for me) years before. I tried to avoid the MM, but came in to contact socially - was impossible. My feelings were already deep before anything happened. He played push and pull for a while but then committed his emotions. These things were clear to both of us: We thought about each other all the time. The fit was supernaturally right. The sex was blissful. Being together was like a state of grace. We had a strong gut feeling that we would make each other deeply happy if we were to have a proper relationship. The unfaithfulness never felt wrong. Everything we did felt right, even when we could see it was wrong. I split up with my husband, put the house on the market. I could not stay in the marriage while I loved another. He was going to wait and maybe split up later. He had strong family commitment values. Suddenly, he did split with his wife. They had been unhappy for years. He behaved like a single man. She had told me (before anything happened) that she had never loved him, but married cos right place right time. Their split lasted three days. She wanted to give it another try. He felt he owed it that. The affair ended and he put many weeks of energy into re-invigorating his marriage. Painful for me, but so be it. We still had contact during this time. The last time I saw him he told me he loved me not his wife. I told him I wanted nothing more to happen between us under these circumstances. Two days later, he told his wife which was a very painful DDay for I then had to tell my H. Since then NC. He blanked me in the street (he was with his kids though). In fact he has gone NC with friends too. Even those who are not really mutual. Big crisis. Neither of us has so little respect for our SOs as to have contact now anyway. Devastating for everyone. I have been wading through the grief ever since and am beginning to feel better, but still sometimes find myself hoping I will be with him. It all felt spookily destined, so hard to let it go. Will he and his wife work it out? Why does she stay if she doesn't love him? Why do I still care? Even if he splits, it is stacked against us. I am in a kind of split up limbo with my H. Under the same roof, separate rooms. He has forgiven me, wants me to stay. I like him a lot, but find sex with him empty after the soulmate connection thing, so fall into despair if I try and reconcile (which I spent months doing). Plus all the problems which I didn't confront are still there. Not sure they are surmountable. I have found this forum super helpful, and got the courage to post. Any thoughts?
fooled once Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 My thoughts? He loves his wife. He loves his family. He is not willing to throw it all away on an unknown. You two never had a real, true relationship; you couldn't, he is married. You two snuck around, had secret sex, were living in an affair fog the majority of time. You ask why she stays if she is so unhappy...why did you stay in your marriage if you were so unhappy? Would you still be in your marriage if it hadn't been for your affair? If your H had not chose to forgive you, would you have wanted him back? Sounds like you really don't want him; you just don't want to be alone. She stays because that is who she vowed to love. She stays because they have kids together. She stays because they built a life together. She stays because while she may not be INLOVE with him anymore, she may still love him. If I were you, I would ask WHY does he stay with her? WHY did he go back? WHY didn't he pick you? WHY did he not choose to not want to start a life with you? I don't say that to hurt you but to make you see that obviously she has something that you don't - besides him. She and he share a past; they probably planned a future. He chose to continue that life. Why do you care? You care because you love him and you care for him. You care because you are comparing your love for him with his love for his wife; with her love for him. You care because you threw away your marriage for him. You care because you had planned a life for two and it isn't going to happen. How long ago did NC start?
jennie-jennie Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 "The unfaithfulness never felt wrong. Everything we did felt right, even when we could see it was wrong." I love this line of yours. Perhaps we need to reevaluate what is right and wrong in life. Loving your soulmate in my opinion is more right than staying in a marriage because you once made vows. I do not agree with Fooledonce's view on your situation. I am certain your love was/is mutual and the emotions you felt were true and real. There are however, unfortunately, strong forces which pull a MM towards staying in a marriage even when he loves someone else. To me, and I believe to many other women, that is an impossible thing to do. Once we love someone else we move on. Even if that means we will be on our own. You must be hurting now. I hope and believe better days are ahead for you.
delirious Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Wheelwright, I am in exactly this position except my MM has never split. Felt exactly the same. Am also in a state of limbo with H. The soulmate connection feels overwhelming too and scary that it takes over your senses completely. I have no advice as yet, just wanted you to know that there are others in the same boat. Jennie you say that once you love another you are destined to move on, maybe for women who see true love for what it is, but judging by what some MM say on this forum, they are staying in their marriages regardless:(.
jennie-jennie Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Wheelwright, I am in exactly this position except my MM has never split. Felt exactly the same. Am also in a state of limbo with H. The soulmate connection feels overwhelming too and scary that it takes over your senses completely. I have no advice as yet, just wanted you to know that there are others in the same boat. Jennie you say that once you love another you are destined to move on, maybe for women who see true love for what it is, but judging by what some MM say on this forum, they are staying in their marriages regardless:(. Yes, I believe that is a fundamental difference between men and women. The pull to stay in a marriage even when you love someone else is stronger for men. I could never stay in such a marriage. My soul is free and can not be caged by vows. My MM knows this. He knows I will only stay with him as long as I love him, but then I am planning to love him for the rest of my life. I am a very faithful person. But promise it, I can not.
Author wheelwright Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 Thanks for replies. I find both the harsh reality version and the more understanding comments helpful. It is the same battle that goes on in my head. NC 4 months. I agree Jennie that it seems women are less able than men to stay in M once another love enters the picture. I think I actually like that about men. Anyway, I am glad I didn't fall for a cake eater. He made his choice. He said he would rather everyone (meaning in his family) were reaonably happy rather than just him ecstatic. Fooled Once, I am not sure I lost my marriage to this affair. I don't think the affair would have happened if my marriage was working out. However, I recognise that I should have faced my M problems before it got to that stage. Have you heard of the triangular theory of love? 3 components; passion, intimacy and commitment. Many relationships only have 1 or 2 elements. Some Ms survive just on commitment. This is called empty love. Most affairs are doomed because even if they have passion and intimacy in spades (romantic love), the commitment is elsewhere. And commitment means trying everything in that R before you give up. Being unfulfilled in the other two elements is less important for many people than how people feel about not honouring commitment.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 WW, it is not looking good. If you read the posts here, most MM do not leave their wives for the OW. Heck, most single men run when the MW, who they had an affair with, get divorced and become available.When I was single, and the MW showed up on my doorstep, I denied even knowing her...she was damaged goods, how could I trust her ever? How could you and the MM trust one another? If he does get divorced, there is no guarantee that he will be with you as he has already placed you 2nd in line to his wife. Sorry your hurting, but yes he is a runner.
HisSweetThing Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 "The unfaithfulness never felt wrong. Everything we did felt right, even when we could see it was wrong." I love this line of yours. Perhaps we need to reevaluate what is right and wrong in life. Loving your soulmate in my opinion is more right than staying in a marriage because you once made vows. That is exactly how I feel. I think it's wrong to stay in a marriage when your heart belongs to someone else. I didn't even feel like I had a choice at that point.
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