My Wife is NOT a people person...

[georgejungle]

Wife is 100% GREAT for me, she's fun, loves to laugh, can be loud, really shows me a lot of love, I show her a lot of love, etc but she has this side of her that can shut off when she's bored or uncomfortable and it's totally apparent in a crowd of people.

 

right now i'm having an issue with the fact that she's mad at my Mom for not visiting as much or calling, since we have a 1 year old. SO at our 1 year old's birthday, Wife hardly spoke a word to my Mom....and wasn't very responsive when My mom was trying to talk her Her. I understand my wife is kinda hurt. But, she can get like that a lot.

 

Wife tends to get like that. Even years ago, when we were dating and

we'd go visit my parents...Once wife got a little bored of being there,

she'd get quiet and tune out, just kinda sit there silent and not speak

a lot.

 

I've told her it can kinda come off as rude, but she doesn't see it that

way. She figures since she quick answers if someone is asking how she is,

that's enough...She never tries to engage in conversation with anyone

and you can only talk to someone so much if they arent very responsive or don't elaborate much...It's kind of a Give and Take.

 

 

 

anyway, makes it hard...I don't want to chang her, you can't change anyone.

I just wish she could understand that people can see her as rude sometimes.

Come on Hun, just be comfortable and act like you act when it's just us..

Edited October 16, 2009 by georgejungle

[whattodonow12]

I am trying to figure out if she is just shy. Hmmm, if she is shy, then I can understand some of the quietness. But, it doesn't completely appear to be the situation. If she was mad at your mother, then that should be addressed. If she shuts down and doesn't speak while you mom is there visiting, then it isn't going to do much to further any relationships either. Eventually, it will fester and cause more problems. If she didn't speak to your mom much when she was there, then why would you mom want to call? And... it could go on for a long time. Been there.. done that.

 

If this really starts bothering you greatly, then you need to let her know that. If nothing else, I am sure that she will make the effort for you and your child. Tell her exactly what you need and see what happens.

[OnTheVerge]

I do not have any advice for you but can share my story.

 

My wife is not a people's person either and hasn't been so for the last 18 years we have been married. This has cost us in terms of social relationships where friends invite us once or twice and seeing no reciprocation from us exclude us from future get-togethers.

 

She is very affable with childhood and college friends and can be very friendly but even this group gets a clear signal after a short while when their time is up after which she likes to retreat into her cocoon. Her parents and sibling too get the same treatment.

 

I must add she is a very focussed person, extremely good at her job and has steadily grown in strength over the years. The downside is most of her bandwidth is dedicated to her job, the rest for the children and recently to a pup we added to the family.

 

I get little or no emotional support, nor empathy from her. I did not have the heart to split for the sake of our young children, till now. At this stage I am seriously considering starting life anew with a more caring woman, should I be lucky to find one.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Your wife sounds a lot like me, I'm not a people-person and can only take heavy socializing in small doses...an hour or two and I'm ready for some quiet time. Tell your wife that you'd like to see her fun side more often when getting together with others, and ask her what her threshold is for being able to maintain that. Would being active in something be more tolerable than sitting around yakking over coffee? If you kept visits to under two hours, would she be able to maintain the pleasantries? You really can't make an introvert become an extrovert, and if you're pushing her into situations that make her uncomfortable, sorry, but I think it's more your fault if she comes off as bitchy when she's just being her normal self.

 

I don't just say that because I'm like that. During a session with a MC, my H was complaining about a situation where I said no to something that made me uncomfortable, something involving others, and the others told my H that I was a real bitch because of it, and H felt they were right. MC told H, "But it's YOU who is making her out to be a bitch. You already knew that she would not agree to that, but you made the agreement anyway, and when she came in to stop it, you all ganged up on her as if she was somehow at fault."

 

So, anyway, try to be a little more understanding of her feelings, and don't push her into uncomfortable positions.

[Devil Inside]

Your wife has a passive aggressive style of dealing with conflict. It is difficult for her to be direct when she has an issue...so instead she shuts down. It also sounds as if she may be a bit of an introvert...which means she derives energy from being alone..and thus being around of lot of other people is probably a little overstimulating and tiring.

 

I have both of these qualities naturally myself. I have really worked through the way I handle conflict. I am much more direct now...especially at work, with my spouse, and with friends...however, with my parents I tend to revert back to this style of conflict. They trigger something in me which makes it difficult to directly address them.

 

As for being an introvert...you really can't change that. I do find that people really enjoy my company and they are shocked when I describe my inner experience of socializing. I think that my improved confidence helps me not be so uptight in public.

 

She could benefit from some boosting of her self esteem in these situations. You can't change her...but maybe you could give her little boosting comments throughout the night...and make sure you pull her aside from time to time and giv her breaks from socializing.

 

It also occurred to me...with the issue with your mother. My wife was upset at my father for the same reason. Finally I was direct with him about it. It didn't change how often he visitied our kids, he is who he is...but it made her feel as if I would stick up for her and our kids with my parents...it meant a lot...and she felt better that they at least knew.

 

Good luck. She sounds like a wonderful woman...and besides, if she was perfect...you two would have nothing to talk about.

[theycallmeprincess]

It's about how a person draws their energy and recharges. Extrovert vs Introvert. I am an introvert. I recharge my energies with quiet alone time, however I do enjoy interacting and socializing with others very much. It just means that this interaction drains a lot of my energy, as it doesn't come naturally, and I need time to withdraw and recharge.

 

An extrovert gets their energy from interacting with others, and gets drained when they spend time secluded from others by themselves.

 

I think some understanding and acceptance of different personalities is what is needed.

[carhill]

I think some understanding and acceptance of different personalities is what is needed.

 

Yes, mutual acceptance. IME, it is when the street runs one way that feelings are impacted and unhealthiness results.

[Ronni_W]

I agree with 'passive-aggressive way of dealing with conflict' and her own feelings of upset, boredom, whatever.

 

Has your mom (or anyone else) mentioned something, or is it more that you're just really wishing-hoping for your wife to see the "error of her ways" and start acting more like you think other people expect her to act? Or, are you starting to feel somehow 'responsible' for how your wife treats other people or her potential impact on them?

 

If nobody has said anything directly and specifically, then it kind of is just your own lack of acceptance of how your wife handles these situations.

At the same time, you could put it to her in the form of a question along the lines of, "What if my mom doesn't come around too often because she sometimes feels uncomfortable when you 'go missing' during a visit? Maybe you could have a chat with her, Honey."

[Lucky_One]

George, you have posted numerous threads about how upset you are that your mother doesn't come to see your child. I am guessing that your upsetedness has rubbed off on your wife, and that she doesn't feel the need to be more than pleasant to someone who upsets her husband. If you vent to your wife about your mom/stepdad as much as you vent about it here, then it would be easy to start feeling the same way.

 

Lonelyandfrustrated made a GREAT point about it being her H who was making her into a bitch with some friends, when he already knew how she would react to the situation. Are you doing that with your wife?

 

PS. As to your thread about not wanting to visit your grandparents bc you believe they live in a ****hole of a city and your wanting them to come see you instead - no. Go see your grandparents. It's their choice to stay in the town where they have lived their life.

[Crusoe]

I mean absolutely no offence by this, but if I ever noticed my wife looking uncomfortable with a social setting I would simply take her somewhere she was comfortable.

[NoIDidn't]

I mean absolutely no offence by this, but if I ever noticed my wife looking uncomfortable with a social setting I would simply take her somewhere she was comfortable.

 

I agree. Even if it was around relatives. I keep an eye on my H around my crazy family to see when he has reached his threshold of nonsense for the visit. Once I get the signal, we leave.

 

OP, I don't think there is anything wrong with your W, per se. Just something that you guys can work on but hopefully without her being made to be the bad guy.

 

I also agree with Lucky One. This is a biggie. Once you spend time complaining and venting to a spouse about a relative, you shouldn't expect them to be warm and fuzzy around them. Even if it is your mom. I used to vent about my mom all the time. It made my H very tense to be around both of us in the same setting. Not good for his relationship with my Mom, OR our marriage when I got on him for being so short with my mom.

[sb129]

Ah the minefield that is your spouses family.

 

Right now my MIL is being a little distant towards my H, and I think she feels we are excluding her from the imminent birth of our first child. (not the first grandchild).

She didn't call H on his birthday, and only sent a card which he brushed off but I know it hurt him.

 

I would never be rude to her face, and I definitely want them here to meet our daughter (when she finally gets her BUTT into gear to be born, still waiting) and I don't want them to feel that they can't visit, however the way MIL is distancing herself by making little comments and the way she treats H doesn't endear me to her.

 

Anyway- when we see them in person, everything is always fine, and people are polite to eachother etc etc etc- I respect H enough to show his family the courtesy and manners he shows mine. (Even though mine are just as nutty for other reasons).

 

It IS very difficult sometimes though.

 

My dad was TERRIBLE at being polite for the sake of it. It was one of his worst faults, he was downright rude at times, and it was very embarrassing to my mum on occasion- seeing how embarrassing it could be made me determined not to repeat his mistakes, its so unnecessary.

[sb129]

Sorry George that post ended up being all about me.

 

Just saying I can see it from both sides, but understand your frustration.

[soserious1]

If I might interject a word in support of introverts. For the most part I prefer my own company because navigating the various social/political minefields at my job takes considerable energy. I frequently drag myself home totally exhausted, fighting a headache, glad just to be landing in the comfortable, warm, sanity of home.

 

Being good with people was never my strong point, the same might be true of your wife, like me she might have decided that since she has limited emotional capital that she needs to be careful how she uses it. She might well figure, as I did, that the benefits to her family from doing well at work far outweigh the benefits of regular coffee/gossip sessions with various female relatives.

 

When I was married my ex constantly pushed various friends on me, it got to the point that I felt as if these people were being shoved down my throat. I'd go to key functions after being bullied and pushed into it "oh you'll have fun, everybody misses you when you don't go" then I'd get to sit there for 4-5 hrs while everybody got loaded and I was basically ignored most of the night.

 

After awhile I got really sick of it, I felt bullied and pushed "smile" "oh why aren't you smiling?" "why are you so quiet?" I got to the point where we had actual fights over the issue. I'm not a trained monkey, to be trotted out to social gatherings on a leash and I'll dance when you clap your hands.

 

It was like no compromise I'd try to make was ever good enough.. if I'd agree to go to a function and followed thru on that promise, then it was a problem because I wasn't smiling enough, wasn't witty enough or because I'd want to leave at the time we'd agreed on prior to going. If I encouraged him to go alone with my blessings then that also became a thing.

 

I didn't get married expecting my husband to share all of my interests and had no problem with the idea that many things that interested me deeply wouldn't interest him and I tried hard to not "force my trip on him" but he sure didn't extend that same respect to me.

 

Some women aren't into the coffee klatch or afternoons spent lunching and gossiping with the girls or walking around the house, phone glued to their ear listening to someone yammering on endlessly with the lastest "he said, she said" drama of their daily life.Some people in my observation aren't capable of sitting quietly with another person in companionable silence, they've got to fill every silence with inane chatter and they take offense when you don't contribute your own inane BS or regurgitate all sorts of details about your own personal life.

 

 

Your wife sounds like she's hard working, devoted to family and home, why not focus on the + aspects of such a person, trust me when I say that social butterflies don't come without a price, that price being a huge increase in drama and crisis generated by excessive gossip and over involvement in the affairs of others.

Edited October 18, 2009 by soserious1

[Baroness67]

Interesting. I don't know that I have any answers except can tell you about my spouse and myself and perhaps you can get something from that.

 

Both my spouse and myself are known for being the friendliest people when you talk to us or we are put in a position of having to talk to other people.

 

On the other hand, we are not known to approach other people first.

 

We both take a lot of time to have long-term friends, and even then, only want to see those long-term friends only occasionally. Except for work or regular neighborhood activity, neither of us has a "best friend" or "total confidant."

 

(Unless, of course, my husband's new confidant of the past 2 or more years was, or is, or continues to be his affair - not sure about that. But another post.)

 

What I will say is that your wife seems to be like she is ... I can be like that, too. Either you need to accept the way she is, or change it somehow ... 2 options. My husband's family will not confront, though .... they will feast all around the elephant in the room. Maybe your family is the same.

[JaneInVegas]

George, I am pretty much like your wife. My visits with people go through cycles that I could never explain in a million years. There's the initial "Hi! How are you?" stage where everyone is all excited to see each other, then the more mellowed out conversation which usually lasts the longest. After that the conversation tends to get "deeper" and more intense ... after that I am absolutely struggling to keep focused on the conversation. Either my brain can stay engaged, or it can't. There's no in between, and it's something I cannot change simply because I recognize it's "socially incorrect".

 

Perhaps your wife is like this, too. As long as she can nod, smile, and answer questions in all the right places, I wouldn't worry about it. It's how she acts around YOU that matters the most, and it sounds like you guys are perfectly fine in that area.

[georgejungle]

Thanks all for the posts. some of you GOT ME, called me out, thanks

for that too. I do post a lot about a lot of things pertaining to the same

thing. I struggle with it everyday. I'm not perfect, i have my own quirks.

I've gotten over a lot of them, but some still linger. But I try and have tried since being an adult to shake those old quirks from my teens.

 

I really love my wife. She is so great for me. Hell, i can be shy, i can be quiet, but I DO like to get out and meet people and enjoy challenges and just throwing myself out to the front of the stage too, just because it's scary and satisfying at the same time. I can't expect my wife to do the same. BUT, i do think she could talk to me better and not hide in a shell when things don't go her way.

 

She does have self-esteem issues and yes, some of you called me out on the "mom/family venting", i'm guilty of it. I've complained to wife about my Mom NUMEROUS times. So it's my fault. It's one of the reasons why my Wife is probably uncomfortable at their house. She's relaxed and talkative in front of my Dad cuz my Dad is more laid back. My Mom is kind, but can be a stressed, opinionated, dramatic person.

 

My wife just the other night admitted that she's not a "talker" and that she's not good making small talk. It made more sense to me. She's comfortable around some of my friends and less around others. But i DO see that she's gotten better at trying to be part of the gang over the years. She tries. I shouldn't push her.

 

Anyway, I know it matters how she is for me and around me. I don't care if she's the most bubbly outgoing gal out there, she works for me. I'm the one that needs to chill. I need to get over my own little demons before I start calling out others. I think i'm at fault here.