Ash20 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I am having a problem with my boyfriend and his ex. I've dated my boyfriend for a year and we have great chemistry, but there is one problem...his ex. They broke up a couple years before he met me and after they broke up they talked to each other all the time and have been "best friends." When he started dating me, she got jealous and began calling him several times a day and coming up with scenarios to get him to come running to her aid, and he fell for it every time. She really had him wrapped around her finger. He is a very caring guy, but he lets people walk all over him. He and I have had several fights about it, because I tried talking to him about what I saw and how I felt but he refused to believe me that she was doing anything...even after she admitted to him that she was jealous that I was getting more attention from him than she was. After a while, he finally stopped talking to her as often. She didn't like it and she sent him a message saying that I was interfering with their friendship and she was going to be done with the friendship, so he got really mad at me and we fought some more and we broke up. While we were broken up they hung out with each other quite often. However, she told him she still "couldn't trust him." She plays so many games with him, it's not even funny. He even told me that when they were dating, she dragged him around and played games. She does this to pretty much every other guy she comes across too. Yet he says she's changed and she doesn't do that anymore. So, anyway, he and I started talking again over the summer and agreed to work things out. We have now been dating again for almost a month. Things are very different this time around, he shows me that he cares more and he rarely talks to her (maybe once or twice every 2-3 weeks or so, and it's mostly her calling him). So, I have been happy with the change. However, just when I thought she was done playing games and I thought she would actually let my boyfriend and I be happy, she sent him a letter a couple weeks ago. The jist of the letter is that she is tired of being the only one who initiates communication between them, and he needs to care more and call her more to see how she is doing, and he needs to keep it up. If not, then the friendship is over. She also mentioned that she thinks it's a shame he is with me but "that is his choice and she supports that" (although, I know that's not entirely true given her past behavior). I am worried because every time she doesn't get what she wants, she tells him to pay more attention to her or the friendship is over, and usually he would fall for it, because he still wants to be friends with her. I don't think he will fall as easily for it this time because he's gradually stopping that habit, but I'm not sure what will happen. I am just very tired of all her games and she needs to get over the fact that he is with someone who makes him happy and his world is NOT going to revolve around her anymore. I really just want her to end the friendship already and leave us alone. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can help this process along without having my boyfriend resent me for it?
New Again Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 You took this tool back without his heartfelt promise to never speak to his ex-gf ever again? Bad call, Ash20. Why does it have to be the ex-gf that ends the "friendship" (it's not really a friendship)? Why can't your bf do it?
phineas Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Dump him. It's really that simple. I'm sorry, but it looks like he is not going to get it & breaking up with him the first time didn't make him get it. He might get it when she pulls the same stuff on his next GF or he may not. She has her hooks into him & is not going to let go or maybe he doesn't want to let go. There is a thread about women like this, drama queens & friendzone vortex's of ultimate life energy suckage & what not. If you give him ultimatums he will just resent you. Don't play the ex's game. Break-up with him & mean it. Why put up with this drama? I'm sure you can find another guy that isn't indentured as his ex-girlfriends helper-monkey.
imagine Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 You need to apply boundaries. No threats just an explanation. No relationship can develop with a third wheel. Both of you need to know that. If he has a problem turning down engagements for you sake, tell him to refer them to you. If he is that soft (and permanently) do you want him? He sounds like divorce material.
Author Ash20 Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 Thank you all for your suggestions. It's just hard for me I guess. I can be as much of a softie as he can. He's actually ignored her last letter and hasn't fallen for her trick yet this time around. I tried to tell him that I wasn't going to get back together with him unless he stopped talking to her, but then he told me that he cares about me and wants to be with me and won't let her get in the way (that's when I became the softie). While her letter is a problem and he fell for her games in the past, he hasn't let her affect our relationship since we've been back together. I'm just nervous about a relapse in the progress we've made. But you're right. If he falls for it again, then it's just not worth it. Thanks! Oh, and New Again, I have actually asked that question myself. It really isn't a real friendship...it's all about her. She never calls solely to see how he's doing. She only cares about herself. I have asked him why he won't end the friendship, and his response was because they've been friends for a while and she is fun to talk to. I think he's insecure about his friendships. Anyway, thanks again!
BG1985 Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 The only reason this broad keeps hanging around is because your boyfriend lets her. If he is still friends with his ex, that means there are still some unresolved feelings. You shouldn't have to nag him to stop this business.
Dark-Farmer Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 This ex seems like a drama queen. she wants a second boyfriend (assuming she has one currently) but doesn't want to do any work. This means a) she just craves and expects extra attention or b) that she still has feelings for him and can't admit it. He should stop talking/doing things with her until she can handle a more casual friendship at the very least. There is no easy way to bring this up to your boyfriend, but it does seem like he is trying this time. If they start up again just tell him that if she's your friend and he needs to treat her like he would any of his guy friends, and that he's treating her like she's his girlfriend and it needs to stop (that's what's probably upsetting you) She admitted she was jealous you got more attention than she did. Your his Girlfriend not her ... you should get more attention, alot more.
phineas Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 honestly, there shouldn't be any danger of him "falling for it again" because he should be telling her to shove off & leave him alone. Friends enrich your life. A true friendship is about helping each other out. What does she do for him? I'll bet nothing. I'll bet if he really needed her, for even a car ride she'd not be available.
stace79 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Thank you all for your suggestions. It's just hard for me I guess. I can be as much of a softie as he can. He's actually ignored her last letter and hasn't fallen for her trick yet this time around. I tried to tell him that I wasn't going to get back together with him unless he stopped talking to her, but then he told me that he cares about me and wants to be with me and won't let her get in the way (that's when I became the softie). While her letter is a problem and he fell for her games in the past, he hasn't let her affect our relationship since we've been back together. I'm just nervous about a relapse in the progress we've made. But you're right. If he falls for it again, then it's just not worth it. Thanks! Oh, and New Again, I have actually asked that question myself. It really isn't a real friendship...it's all about her. She never calls solely to see how he's doing. She only cares about herself. I have asked him why he won't end the friendship, and his response was because they've been friends for a while and she is fun to talk to. I think he's insecure about his friendships. Anyway, thanks again! Where do you live, because I think you have met my fiance's ex-girlfriend. She did exactly the same crap with us, for THREE YEARS. I finally broke up with him over it, and the only reason we are engaged now is because he swore that for the rest of his life, assuming we are together, he will not see her, speak to her, nothing; and if she writes, texts, calls or whatever that I will know about it immediately and we will decide TOGETHER how he responds. That may sound resolved, but it isn't truly because he has still said that he misses talking to her and if it wasn't for me, he would be friends with her still. That only pisses me off, and it's like well if you want to talk to her so badly, go right ahead and we'll break up again. Please, learn from my mistakes -- you do NOT need the drama. I know men out there who would have no qualms about dropping an ex- "friend" who was interfering in his relationship. My friend's husband got a letter from an old ex right before he married my friend, and he immediately called her, told her he was getting married and that they wouldn't be speaking anymore so to stop writing. All women deserve better than to feel like they're constantly competing. Do yourself a favor and end it. Seriously.
Author Ash20 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 You all are very right. To update everyone. He kind of fell for the message. By kind of, I mean, he started talking to her again because he didn't want to end the friendship, but he still doesn't talk to her very often. That is no excuse, though. I know. The problem is, I know we care about each other very much, and have been very happy when he wasn't really talking to her. She is our only problem. But it is a big problem. Dark Farmer, yes she does crave attention. He is not even the only guy she tries so hard to get attention from. He is the one guy, however, that is too nice to tell her to piss off sometimes. He is too nice to stand up for himself, and when I do, he gets mad at me for being too mean. He has stopped talking to her as often for me, but he won't stop talking to her completely for me. I've asked him several times and he won't do it. His reasoning? Because she is fun to talk to, an old friend, and they get along well and understand each other. If by "get along well" he means everything is ok as long as she gets what she wants, and if she doesn't, she gets pissed off and he has to start talking to her a little more because she is threatening to end the friendship if he doesn't, then I guess he has it right. To me, it's bull****. And Phineas, you're exactly right about a true friendship meaning helping each other out. This is the exact point I've been trying to make to my bf. She is not really his friend if all she is concerned about is her, and she gets pissed off as soon as she doesn't get what she wants. I haven't seen her do a thing for him. Yet, when I try to show him this, he gets pissed off because in his words, "oh, so you know every conversation that we have? You know everything that happens?" Because apparently she does ask him how he is and is a "good friend to talk to." Yet, like I said, I haven't seen her do ANYTHING for him...it's all about her. I have no idea how to get him to see this. I've tried, but it hasn't worked yet. Stace79, I live in Lock Haven, PA and this girl lives in Williamsport, PA. Wow, I'm sorry to hear that happened to you for 3 years. How did you handle it for those 3 years? Did you try to tell him it was her or you? Did you try to get him to stop talking to her? What did he do when you broke up with him? I'm assuming it was the breakup that got him to change his mind and stop talking to her? I believe my bf cares about me, but if I broke up with him over it, I think he would just let me go and move on. I'm not sure if he would actually think about it and stop talking to her or not. I know he would miss me if we broke up and I know he really cares about me, but would he actually give her up if that meant keeping me in his life? (whether it be as friends or in a relationship) That's true. I've even gone as far as to tell my bf, if she means so much to you, then just be with her. And he won't because he says that it would never work between them, and she would just drag him around again, and he cares about me more than he's ever cared about anyone. I wonder, if he knows she would drag him around again if they were in a relationship, then why is it so hard for him to believe she is dragging him around now as a friend? And if he really cares about me more than anyone, then why is it so hard for him to give her up so he and I can really be happy? Sorry I'm ranting. Anyway, I'm trying to learn but I can't seem to find it in my heart right now. I know what I should do, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. You know? That's good that your friend's husband put a stop to it right away. And your last line is so true. I'm tired of competing. I just want to be happy and not have to worry about other women. I guess I know what I have to do.
stace79 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Stace79, I live in Lock Haven, PA and this girl lives in Williamsport, PA. Wow, I'm sorry to hear that happened to you for 3 years. How did you handle it for those 3 years? Did you try to tell him it was her or you? Did you try to get him to stop talking to her? What did he do when you broke up with him? I'm assuming it was the breakup that got him to change his mind and stop talking to her? I believe my bf cares about me, but if I broke up with him over it, I think he would just let me go and move on. I'm not sure if he would actually think about it and stop talking to her or not. I know he would miss me if we broke up and I know he really cares about me, but would he actually give her up if that meant keeping me in his life? (whether it be as friends or in a relationship) That's true. I've even gone as far as to tell my bf, if she means so much to you, then just be with her. And he won't because he says that it would never work between them, and she would just drag him around again, and he cares about me more than he's ever cared about anyone. I wonder, if he knows she would drag him around again if they were in a relationship, then why is it so hard for him to believe she is dragging him around now as a friend? And if he really cares about me more than anyone, then why is it so hard for him to give her up so he and I can really be happy? Sorry I'm ranting. Anyway, I'm trying to learn but I can't seem to find it in my heart right now. I know what I should do, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. You know? That's good that your friend's husband put a stop to it right away. And your last line is so true. I'm tired of competing. I just want to be happy and not have to worry about other women. I guess I know what I have to do. I did exactly what you are doing. I tried to tell myself that I was being paranoid, or that he chose to be with me, not her. I got mad at him. We fought, but he would always say he would never "allow me" to tell him who he could be friends with. He insisted she was like family because he'd known her for so long. I would cry, threaten to break up with him, give him ultimatums, etc. The only thing that made any difference was actually breaking up with him, packing up and moving out. And then I didn't hardly speak to him for over a week. However, I will tell you now that we are likely breaking up for good again. The hurt it caused me -- him choosing to keep her around even though it hurt me so bad -- has never really gone away. I still obsess over it. So maybe now it IS my fault, but regardless it is not ending well. Additionally, even though he changed his phone number, moved and refuses to call her or anything, she still is indirectly affecting us by befriending his sister through Facebook. Even today, this ex posted something about "old times" on his sister's Facebook page. It drives me nuts, and I have just decided the only way to be rid of that drama and hurt is to end the relationship. Anyway, it is a really bad place to be in, and I truly believe a guy with this mentality of staying friends with exes is never going to make a very good boyfriend or husband for me. We just aren't compatible in that way. I hope things work out better for you!
Author Ash20 Posted October 25, 2009 Author Posted October 25, 2009 Stace79, what you said in your first paragraph sounds so familiar. Just like your fiance, my bf has also told me he wouldn't let me tell him who he could and could not be friends with. He also said he had no feelings for her, but she is like a sister to him. I don't understand how he could still stay around for her like this after I heard right from him how much she dragged him around before and that she dumped him for another guy. If that were me, I'd move on and say screw you when they tried to come back to me. Hmm that's true. I know they still talk, but regardless of his efforts to not talk to her as often, I'm still hurt over the fact that she doesn't like me and decided to play games to get his attention just because he really likes me and didn't pay as much attention to her anymore. She didn't like the fact that he found someone he really cares about. And what's worse, even though he tells me he cares more about me than anyone, he's still not willing to give her up for me, even though their friendship really hurts me because she still drags him around. But I guess, unfortunately, that's something he has to learn on his own. But I'm really sorry this is happening to you. It especially hurts when you really care about the person, huh? I wish my bf and your fiance knew better. It's not like they're going to die without these exes in their lives. Geez. I wonder what makes them so special. And thanks! I hope things end up working out for you too!
serialgf Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 okay i might get a bunch of crap for posting this, but i just can't resist as i feel totally differently than the op, stace, and others.... IMO and IME, you're being very controlling, and ultimatums rarely work out lest you want to date a drone. i mean, he isn't cheating on you, he's just being friends with someone you don't approve of. i agree that that's lame but if you try to be controlling in this respect over something that isn't actually harming your relationship, then where does it end? would you like to choose all his friends? and if you do think this is harming your relationship then i'd like to know how you think it is. (honestly, not being rude/sarcastic) don't get me wrong... i get where you're coming from... i have issues with my bf being friends with former girlfriends... i just feel that at this point in my life (i'm 29) some battles are just not worth fighting.... to tell you a little story... a few months ago, my bf and i were at a show where his former gf was... she is really pretty and really flirty and she kept hugging him, smiling at him, etc. they dated a whiiile ago, but she is still super flirty. he on the other hand is not a touchy-feely person though he is smiley-flirty if that makes sense, anyway he was totally being friendly back to her and it infuriated me. i confronted him and do you know what he said, "she's been in my life for over 15 years... if you don't like it, then don't look." harsh words - i know... and i don't think he was right to be that harsh, but i actually took his advice and it's worked wonders... she's just a big flirt and i know that they're not interested in each other so for the rest of the night, i just "didn't look", danced my butt off, and of course he missed my attention and came back (of course, i am not a total push-over and refused his advances), but in the end we made up and it worked out my point is, that now i am way more laid back, he can be friends with whoever, and in turn that makes him feel more comfortable, which of course, in turn, makes him communicate less with them and more with me! honestly, my advice to you is either accept it (i.e. "don't look), or break up with him... lest you end up like stace (no offense to you stace, you said it yourself) good luck - i hope you can overcome this! cheers!
Author Ash20 Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Serialgf, you make a good point. I'm going to try that approach and see how it goes. Thank you for sharing your story. It helped. Also, just to set the record straight, I don't like her because she uses him and walks all over him. I have even heard evidence of this from my own bf's mouth. Additionally, she has actually tried to come between us because she didn't like that I was getting more attention from him than she was. My bf is the one who told me that she said she didn't like me because I was getting more attention from him than she was, and you really should see the games she plays. For instance, there was this guy who liked her in a romantic way, but she did not feel the same about him. She called my bf the one night telling him that she made out with this guy and almost had sex with him. The next day my bf went over to her house to lecture her on how to not lead people on and to take better care of herself. She also had my bf thinking that people were stalking her at school so that he would drive 2 hours to protect her. Another time, she text him threatening to up and leave and never come back. He drove the hour to her house, right after his 8 hour shift at work and without much sleep the night before, to stop her just to find out she actually wasn't going to do it. So, she has actually hurt our relationship. Also, I have no problem with any of his other friends. They are perfectly fine. Even his most recent ex, she and I get along very well. I hope that clears things up. Thank you again for the advice. I will give it a shot!
D-Lish Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Ash, you are not being controlling- your bf is crossing boundaries with this girl. She manipulates and he allows it. The bottom line is that he chooses her over you time and time again, and that just shouldn't be good enough for you. Women understand the kind of woman you're dealing with- because we understand "girl world"... Girls are capable of such evil, manipulative, outrageous behaviour. It must be so frustrating to see this girl manipulate your bf- because most men just don't get how downright wicked some women can be. It isn't something most men comprehend. But, having said that- if he's running to her side every chance he gets, if he just can't seem to let her go- it's obvious he hasn't let go of his feelings for her. This isn't just a female friend- it's an ex girlfriend - that makes this an even bigger boundary issue. The bottom line is that you can't control him- and you shouldn't have to defend why this bothers you. This is a female he used to sleep with who is still pulling his strings. You shouldn't even have to "control" how important she continues to be in his life, because she just shouldn't be more important than your relationship with him.
stace79 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 okay i might get a bunch of crap for posting this, but i just can't resist as i feel totally differently than the op, stace, and others.... IMO and IME, you're being very controlling, and ultimatums rarely work out lest you want to date a drone. i mean, he isn't cheating on you, he's just being friends with someone you don't approve of. i agree that that's lame but if you try to be controlling in this respect over something that isn't actually harming your relationship, then where does it end? would you like to choose all his friends? and if you do think this is harming your relationship then i'd like to know how you think it is. (honestly, not being rude/sarcastic) It IS harming their relationship because she's uncomfortable with it. Your opinion is a very immature one, because when you find someone you truly love, their feelings come above all else, UNLESS the person is being 110% unreasonable (demanding you stop hanging out with your best guy friend from college or that you not call your sister anymore). don't get me wrong... i get where you're coming from... i have issues with my bf being friends with former girlfriends... i just feel that at this point in my life (i'm 29) some battles are just not worth fighting.... to tell you a little story... a few months ago, my bf and i were at a show where his former gf was... she is really pretty and really flirty and she kept hugging him, smiling at him, etc. they dated a whiiile ago, but she is still super flirty. he on the other hand is not a touchy-feely person though he is smiley-flirty if that makes sense, anyway he was totally being friendly back to her and it infuriated me. i confronted him and do you know what he said, "she's been in my life for over 15 years... if you don't like it, then don't look." harsh words - i know... and i don't think he was right to be that harsh, but i actually took his advice and it's worked wonders... she's just a big flirt and i know that they're not interested in each other so for the rest of the night, i just "didn't look", danced my butt off, and of course he missed my attention and came back (of course, i am not a total push-over and refused his advances), but in the end we made up and it worked out my point is, that now i am way more laid back, he can be friends with whoever, and in turn that makes him feel more comfortable, which of course, in turn, makes him communicate less with them and more with me! honestly, my advice to you is either accept it (i.e. "don't look), or break up with him... lest you end up like stace (no offense to you stace, you said it yourself) good luck - i hope you can overcome this! cheers! And in your situation, you are allowing this man to make you less than happy with your relationship by hanging out with women who make you uncomfortable. If more women would stand up for themselves, maybe there wouldn't be so many guys who treat us like $h!t. The attitude that he would choose a former gf over you just means that you are not lifelong commitment material, hate to break it to you. If he intended to spend his life with you, he would easily see the difference in importance between you and an ex-girlfriend. He doesn't see that, which tells me your R will not last.
ADF Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 The fact is these two never really broke up. Not really. They are still emotionally entangled with each other and were throughout the course of your relationship with this man. She plays games, and he plays along. Just leave them to each other. You deserve better.
looking4 green grass Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I don't think you are controlling by asking him to get rid of this other girl. There is no reason you should have to compete for attention. YOU are the #1 female in his life as his GF. She knows exactly what she's doing to you, to him, and to your relationship. The only ways I see this playing out and ending well is 1.) she goes away completely and forever 2.) you dump him and find a guy who truly puts you first I know it's hard to leave something you have had for so long, but there is a drama free guy out there waiting to meet you! This girl sounds ridiculous. I've been there, with the "ex" who is now a "best friend" and it's all one sided. Even though mine did in fact go away for good, the damage was done, and I was never able to get over it. Find somebody who loves only you.
stace79 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I don't think you are controlling by asking him to get rid of this other girl. There is no reason you should have to compete for attention. YOU are the #1 female in his life as his GF. She knows exactly what she's doing to you, to him, and to your relationship. The only ways I see this playing out and ending well is 1.) she goes away completely and forever 2.) you dump him and find a guy who truly puts you first I know it's hard to leave something you have had for so long, but there is a drama free guy out there waiting to meet you! This girl sounds ridiculous. I've been there, with the "ex" who is now a "best friend" and it's all one sided. Even though mine did in fact go away for good, the damage was done, and I was never able to get over it. Find somebody who loves only you. I agree... my ex-fiance told the girl they couldn't be friends anymore, but by that time, it was too late. I am still so bitter about it. It hurt me so much over the course of the relationship, that now it's like I just wanted him to hurt her, too. And that's not healthy. And, even though she wasn't contacting him anymore, she started talking with his sister on Facebook all the time. It was so frustrating. Like "Just get the heck out of our lives"... I suppose I am just not that manipulative, but I would never think to be friends with ex's family members... That is just weird and obsessive to me.
Fritz Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 The fact is these two never really broke up. Not really. They are still emotionally entangled with each other and were throughout the course of your relationship with this man. She plays games, and he plays along. Just leave them to each other. You deserve better. Oh they likely broke up, the dude is just her emergency dick in a box. She's his pimp, he's her intellectual whore. Now if he was getting something out of the situation (real friends helping each other out or a romantic/sexual relationship) I could see putting up with it but I'm sure he isn't. Yet, he's getting what amount to love letters from her when she senses he's about to break free and its all about control. There are sadly guys and gals who put up with this crap for years. We're only hearing one side of the story and I know ladies often get jealous over silly things (dont we all) but this has all the signs of him being the backup boy toy. If he can't wake up, yeah move on.
serialgf Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 It IS harming their relationship because she's uncomfortable with it. Your opinion is a very immature one, because when you find someone you truly love, their feelings come above all else, UNLESS the person is being 110% unreasonable (demanding you stop hanging out with your best guy friend from college or that you not call your sister anymore). I don't disagree with you (or the op) that it's a bad idea for him to be friends with her.... I just disagree with the approach she's (and you've) taken of making demands or ultimatums that he stop being friends with her. IME that only hinders the progress you want to make. My argument is that it makes him feel like he's being controlled. And my story from my life was to show how by NOT being controlling, it ended up working out that they (my bf and his former gf) are not as close. I agree with you and others that this is can be interpreted as "playing games" or "compromising too much" on my part, but I don't really see it this way. There are certain parts of my personality that I would ideally like to change - one of those is being jealous about other women (hence why i hang out in this forum). I know that i am not as old/haven't been through as much as others who have been cheated on by their husbands/wives as I've never been married, but I feel like i've battled with these issues a lot in my life and this is where i am. I'm providing another point of view. And there seems to be a common thread in this op's post and others where there seems to be a desire to change your point of view, and that's what i feel i'm addressing. And in your situation, you are allowing this man to make you less than happy with your relationship by hanging out with women who make you uncomfortable. If more women would stand up for themselves, maybe there wouldn't be so many guys who treat us like $h!t. The attitude that he would choose a former gf over you just means that you are not lifelong commitment material, hate to break it to you. If he intended to spend his life with you, he would easily see the difference in importance between you and an ex-girlfriend. He doesn't see that, which tells me your R will not last. Again, I don't agree with you one bit that it makes me less happy. First of all, he doesn't "hang out" with "women who make me uncomfortable".... we ran into his former gf at a party and they were talking/dancing... i don't consider that "hanging out"... but maybe that's just a matter of semantics. in my life, i just want to be okay with him seeing her and being friendly. I have my own boundaries i'm developing, they're different than yours. My boyfriend is very respectful of me as am I of him. I am not going to address the rest of your post b/c I don't want to hijack this thread by starting an argument with you about the state of MY relationship but I will just end by saying that obviously either i did not communicate it correctly or you did not understand me correctly, but my BF did not CHOOSE her over me, it's not that simple - I think you are oversimplifying in your interpretation - and thanks for your prediction, i'll keep it in mind... lol op - good luck, do what works for you, I will continue to provide my point of view... though i know it is not a popular one in this forum...
stace79 Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 If you are demanding that your bf or H never hang out with any female, then that is controlling. I've never done that, and the OP isn't trying to do that (in my interpretation). The issue is with particular females who have proven they are not forthright, do not respect our Rs and will not respect boundaries. Additionally, except in the most unreasonable demands, a long-term bf or H material would place his gf's feelings and desires and comfort above a "friend", particularly an ex-girlfriend. My SO even went so far as to say that if it was his sister or best guy pal who didn't respect the R, that he would stick up for me to a point and then if they didn't stop being disrespectful, he would even limit his contact with those people. If a "friend" who is also an ex makes your current flame uncomfortable or if the "friendship" isn't entirely above board, if your bf does not choose you, it's quite evident he's leaving the other door open with the ex b/c he doesn't consider you long-term potential. When I broke up with my fiance over this girl, I had no intention of going back and I didn't really care what decision he made. I broke up with him not as an ultimatum; I just decided that I couldn't and wouldn't deal with that girl in my life. I didn't look back. He is the one who ended that friendship and then asked me for another chance. If he hadn't ended the friendship and proved to me he wasn't talking to her anymore, I wouldn't have even considered speaking with him. Unfortunately, as I stated before, far too much hurt was done and I still can't get past it.
Author Ash20 Posted October 31, 2009 Author Posted October 31, 2009 Thank you all for your suggestions. I think I'm just going to lay low and act like she doesn't bother me for now. She seems like the type that if I don't show her that she is getting under my skin, then that will make her uncomfortable, and her true colors will begin to show. The only thing he gets out of the "friendship" is he feels like she understands him and he likes to be there for people and protect them...she lets (or makes) him protect her. Anyway, I'm going to lay low and let him see for himself. I know she'll keep giving him ultimatums, and I'm sure a part of him is tired of it...if I stop complaining about it, it'll give him more of a chance to see her flaws instead of focusing on mine. And I agree with it being controlling if I didn't want him to talk to anyone, but it is only one person that I don't like him talking to, and it's for a good reason. The last thing I want to do is become the dreaded controlling gf, but there does need to be boundaries. Especially for people like her, who don't respect relationships and boundaries. So, thank you all again for your thoughts. I enjoy reading them and taking them into consideration. On a side note, I'm going to a Halloween party tonight with a few of my friends, and I just found out last night that this ex is going to be at the party. Ugh. The unfortunate thing...my friends are friendly with her. So, wish me luck. Thank you all.
shunter Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Help me because I am confused. You are dating a guy who's ex controls him and tells him what to do. You want it to stop. But for some reason you (his current gf) cant tell him to stop doing it? Your man (if you can call a loser a man) likes to be told what to do. He needs a woman to take charge (obviously). So tell that idiot to stop all contact with that girl. You need to be the boss and tell him what to do. He can choose between his friendship with his ex-lover or he can choose between his current relationship (and future) with you. Seems pretty simple to me. And if he chooses his ex, then you did yourself a favor and got out of this pathethic relationship as quickly as possible. And if he chooses you then you have him wrapped around your finger
Analyticalhope Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 With all due respect Serialgf you don't know really what you're talking about. Ash20 is not being controlling and is not saying who he can and can't be friends with. The issue is not that he is friends with girls or that he is responding flirtatiously towards their advances. The issue is that he is treating a girl better than he is treating his girlfriend. A girl who is manipulative and demanding attention. Ash20 has no problems with any of his other friends or even "his most recent ex", just this one girl for the way this girl can treat him so badly and yet time and time again he seems to be chosing her over Ash20. True, Ash20 can't tell him who he can and can't be friends with, but this relationship going on between this girl and Ash20's bf is not a friendship. It is one-sided and eating into Ash20 and he bf's time together as a couple. He is putting this other girl's demands before Ash20's feelings and that is not acceptable. I know because I am in a similar situation. Ash20, you should maybe check my post and also a post under the heading of "manipulative women" or something similar in the cheating, flirting, jealousy forum as this is a post set up by someone for people to share similar experiences. I would not have recommended giving any ultimatums as it will make you sound like the bad guy in the situation. If you do confront your bf about it, stay rational and level-headed and word things as following the advice that Freestyle gave me of saying "it makes me feel upset when you do x, y, z". This might help to point out his behaviour rather than you sounding jealous. You have every right to resent this girl and to feel upset. My bf tried eventually tried confronting his "best friend" - the demanding girl who was sabotaging our relationship. He did it because the girl was making me and my bf so unhappy and making us feel powerless and trapped. The girl exploded when he confronted her and gave him an ultimatum of stop dating me or she can't be friends with him. I am glad to say that my bf stood by me and although I don't know how things will play out as we can't really avoid contact with her as we all go to the same university and have many shared friends, my bf has made it clear that I do not need to worry about this girl and that he will not be in contact with her more than is minimally necessary unless this girl can change her behaviour, be supportive of our relationship and act like a true friend (a scenario that I think is highly unlikely). You should most definitely not have to compete for your bf's attention. You are his girlfriend. If this girl is saying that she is jealous of you getting more attention from him than her, then this girl isn't really view the relationship with your bf as a friendship. You should get more attention from him than her and he should not always be riding to her rescue. If he values your relationship he has to learn to say no to this girl and distance himself from to. At the most he should treat her like other friends, not set her on a level with you. Does this girl have no other friends she can call for help? Why is it always your bf? If she was truly a friend to your bf then she should be supportive of his relationship with you, not jealous. I truly feel for you and know exactly what you are going through. I hope that your bf can realise that he needs to start putting you first. If not then I am afraid you will probably have to walk away from the relationship with your bf. Maybe breaking up with him and holding your ground will make him change for good his behaviour towards this girl. Maybe you'll find someone better. I know how hard it is to leave him and I'm glad that I didn't need to get that hard with my bf, but if he had kept putting me through it I would probably have had to leave him for the sake of my sanity. Good luck with it all. I hope your bf can change for the good, but if not save yourself heartache get yourself out of this situation. You should not have to compete for his affections.
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