Should I Get Married When I'm Not "In Love" Or Terribly Attracted?

[ztay00]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 years. I’m 32, she is 38 and neither of us has ever married. She is really sweet, loving, nurturing, honest and good to me. Additionally, we share the same values, we’re compatible, and get along great.

 

The problem is, I’ve never felt the “chemistry”, or “fallen in love”. I think the reason is because I’m not terribly attracted to her, and she is 6 years older.

 

I have to make a decision in the next couple of days to marry her, or she will take a job overseas and I will lose her forever. I’m wondering if I should risk all the good things she gives me because I’m not “in love” with the sparks and the chemistry.

 

Please Help

[Tony T]

Though what you DO have is very important and are significant components of a healthy relationship, passion and romantic love are absolutely essential to the long term survival of a happy marriage. Oh yes, you could get married and it would be nice for a while but you would always have a sense of something missing in the relationship. Eventually, you would grow to resent her and yourself for stepping into a "friendship" rather than a passion-filled romance.

 

Attraction is absolutely essential in any case. If you are only marginally attracted to this lady, you'll find yourself very disinterested in sex eventually and maybe even open to cheated because you, yourself, feel you cheated your ownself out of very important aspects of a partnership. I am dumbfounded as to why anybody would stay with somebody so long when there wasn't really strong attraction.....I mean dumbfounded!!!

 

Were there ever sparks and chemistry? If so, perhaps those can be renewed somewhat. The really wild stuff doesn't last forever. If there were never any sparks, I am at a total loss of why you would stay with somebody this long without them. That's got to stand for something. Ask yourself why you dedicated that many years to someone with whom you weren't wildly in love? Maybe there's something deep down underneath that I can't sense from here. Sane people just don't stick together that long unless there are very good reasons. If they were unhealthy reasons like insecurity or laziness, shame on you.

 

Never, ever consider marriage or even a long term relationship with anyone for whom you do not feel sparks. Marriage is hard enough WITH them. I will tell you there are a lot of people who get married under the circumstances you describe because they decide to "settle" and they spend their lifetimes trying to convince themselves that they are happy and made the right decision. It's better to be alone.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by Tony

 

Never, ever consider marriage or even a long term relationship with anyone for whom you do not feel sparks. Marriage is hard enough WITH them. I will tell you there are a lot of people who get married under the circumstances you describe because they decide to "settle" and they spend their lifetimes trying to convince themselves that they are happy and made the right decision. It's better to be alone.

 

No truer words were ever spoken!!!! All the discontent you feel NOW...will only get larger once you are married. Then, when you can no longer live with the relationship, you may have a child or two involved. It's best to cut your losses and get out now. You owe it to YOU.....and you owe it to HER.

[Thinkalot]

Also, Tony gave good advice when he asked you to consider if there were EVER any sparks. If so, try and revive them, before you decide to throw in the towel. Romance and passion can be forstered and nurtured- it does take work to keep those things burning hotly. And all the other great things you have are very important and often hard to come by.

 

That said, if you really don't feel enough zing! for her, you probably will always feel somewhat discontented, as the others have pointed out. Look hard within yourself and be objective about what you REALLY feel. If what you find still isn't strong enough to make you feel happy jumping into marriage, then you probably shouldn't.

 

I'm curious, does your lady feel the spark for you? Or are you both just comfortable together? Be fair and honest with her.

[Skittles]

These posters are a smart bunch...eh?

 

 

I vote: NO.

[flyswatter04]

Do what your heart desires. We personally connot control if you can or cannot marry her. But all i can say is do what is in your heart.

[UCFKevin]

If she said, "Either marry me or I'm leaving," just wave goodbye, man, any girl who does that isn't worth being with. Besides, you aren't in love. You'd end up cheating or getting a divorce.

[bark]

Should I Get Married When I'm Not "In Love" Or Terribly Attracted?

 

 

Not unless you want to be divorced with kids 2 or more years later.

 

Just wave good-bye.

[callie]

I'm

 

I'm in the situation but in reverse (I'm the girlfriend).

 

I have been going out with my boyfriend for a year and a month on and off. I really enjoy his company, we have fun together, laugh alot. He is very generous and romantic. There are alot of things I like about him but I'm not in love with him and I'm not attracted to him.

 

I think part of the reason is I never thought he was cute. I'm 34 and he is 45. I thought of him as an older guy. (Not that 45 is old, I think he looks older than his age). I know what it feels like to be attracted and I don't have it with him. I even feel bad or dirty after sex because it doesn't feel right with him. I'm always trying to avoid it and he always wants to. I'm usually into sex but not with him.

Not to get graphic, but he has man boobs and that is a major turn off. He also has a gut and is really hairy.

 

Our friendship part couldn't be better and he treats me great. But he is putting pressure on me to get married. Oh, he is divorced with 2 kids. Yikes.

 

Yeah, like one guy said how can you stay with someone so long and not be attracted to him. Good question. For me, the first time we had sex (after 4 months) I had to much to drink. I was so depressed and regretted it. Believe it or not this sounds weird he is good in bed but I'm still not attracted to him.

 

I think it is abusive to myself to keep having sex with him if I don't want to. I think for me I stayed in this is because we have fun, he treats me really good and it is scared to go out in the dating world and also he loves me so much and wants to get married.

 

I dont' think sex is the most important in a relationship but when something is not right with it or something you can't live with it can destroy the whole relationship.

 

Matter of Importance in my opinion

 

Friendship 40%

Mutual goals and interests 20%

Trust 20%

Sex 20%

 

roughly, see sex isn't the most important but again if you can't stand having sex with your partner there is a major problem.

 

I think I need to break up with my boyfriend and move on. Instead of dwelling on it and getting depressed.

 

For you, I think you should move on. You have invested alot of time in the relationship though. Unless, you both rate sex as a very low priority and can both live with it and our happy with it. Then stay. There is no perfect relationship.

[Karlise]

You have to decide what you want out of marriage.

 

I was friendly with an older woman who told me, quite openly, that she got married because she wanted to have a family. She married her husband who 'was not her first choice' but who was available and 'a nice guy'.

 

They are still married almost 30 years later. Their priorities are different from some people's. Some people desire romance, some just want the security and peacefulness of compatibility, friendship and mutual projects, like raising kids.

 

She told me she was never 'in love' with him but that she cares very much for him and that it 'works for us'

 

I myself have always wanted those sparks. Naturally, I've been in and out of many relationships. Sometimes the sparks are there but the compatibility isn't. Sometimes differences in values make you clash.

Sometimes the compatibility and friendship was there, but no chemistry. That sucked. Sooner or later I couldn't STAND to have sex with the person any more and I'd end up hurting someone really nice.

 

Today I'm in a relationship going on 4 years. I have to say, the passion waxes and wanes. We have moments of great passion and then times that are more quiet.

But thank god it's still there.

I don't think I could handle it if it goes

[moimeme]

Callie

 

There are alot of things I like about him but I'm not in love with him and I'm not attracted to him.

 

Why ever would you even think of marrying someone in that situation? If you were in love with him, you would likely develop attraction. If you were madly attracted, you might also find he has enough good qualities that you'd fall in love, too. However if you have neither, what on earth would even get you thinking marriage? There are many nice guys out there; that doesn't mean you should marry them all.

[fredrolin]

DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

I married my wife because I got here pregnant and figured at the time that it was the right thing to do.

 

Those first couple of years were a total blur. Between getting married, having a kid and finding a better job I never took a minute to realize I was doing the wrong thing.

 

I was trying to be practical. But if the love isn't there you will be miserable.

 

Now 10 years later I am in so deep I can't get out of this marriage unless I want to walk away empty handed and alone.

[nikkilove]

Nope! Don't do it unless you are in love! Marriage is hard enough without the "glue" of love to keep you together.....if you don't even have love........then what will keep you together during good times and bad?

 

I got married the first time when I was younger, not in love, but pregnant, and felt it was the right thing to do. He possessed the qualities you would want in a spouse, but no sparks, no feeling of being in love, ever. And throughout the 6 years, that loving feeling was always missing.......even though I did love him......but as a friend..........not a lover or soulmate or how I always felt I'd love the person I'd be married to......

 

When a few years passed and I realized I had settled, I wasn't in love, no sparks......took a leap of faith and ended it. Fell in love with someone else a few years later and got married again, what a difference. I can't imagine being with someone other than my now-husband.......this is the way it should be, for me anyway.

 

Life is too short to settle......good luck!

[SoleMate]

NOOOOO!!!! Do not marry someone who turns you off physically. A man with boobs...and older looking than his years...yuck. This goes for ztay and callie.

[zarathustra]

If you're not physically attracted to her now, you won't be 5-10-15-20 years later.

 

If there's no heat, you'll freeze married to that person.

[Fedup&givingup]

My advice is to let her go, and be grateful for the time you two shared. You learned a great deal about what you want with someone, BUT a major key ingredient is missing. You are doing HER a favor as well by letting her go, because it's not fair to her either.

 

Don't get me wrong, ALL those things that you have with her are vital in a marriage, but being physically attracted is just as essential. What happens, is sometimes you just get sick and tired of your spouse, and then you can look at them and remember what attracted you to them (physically), and on the flip side, no matter how good they look, you are tired of looking at their sorry ass and just remember all the qualities they possess that you admire.

 

Basically, you HAVE to have both. It IS a package deal.

 

Fortunately, you both are lucky that she is moving overseas, because that will give each of you a brand new start.

[moimeme]

Um. The original poster was male posting about a female. That was last December. The case at hand begins at Post 9.

 

 

(wishes to goodness people would read whole threads before answering)

[Fedup&givingup]

Originally posted by moimeme

Um. The original poster was male posting about a female. That was last December. The case at hand begins at Post 9.

 

 

(wishes to goodness people would read whole threads before answering)

 

Then I guess the same advice applies, the message I send personally does at least.

[callie]

You guys are right.

 

Sometimes when you are in a situation it is harder to see what you are doing. I'm going to break it off. I know he is not going to make it easy though. He will keep calling me etc.

 

For the past couple of months I have been depressed about this and I'm sick of it.

Oh well, it will just be another failed relationship to add to my life.

 

For some reason, I have done this before. I got involved in a realtionship and I wasn't really into the guy but stayed in it for some reason.

 

What is wrong with me?

[mama03]

Honestly, why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you do not love or have chemistry with? That in it self is a sure killer to a marriage. You would only be hurting her and yourself in the long run.

 

There are so many wonderful people out there and you should go out and find that special person that lights your soul.

 

If you marry someone just because they are sweet and kind it will end in divorce. What if you have children with her and then a few years down the road you find someone else that makes you feel things you never thought you would. You would be hurting the children who would be the innocent victims. You would ruin their lives, dream, and hopes.

 

It will hurt for sometime but you will get over it and you will find someone you can truly love. Do not marry because you think you should due to the legnth of time you have spent together. You will resent your choice and that will poison the marriage to.

[soccorsilly]

NO!

[confusedbloke]

Got engaged 6 months ago and ever since we got back from holiday I have had serious doubts - we bought a house together and I've felt under serious stress so much so I've been in therapy. I love my girlfriend she's a loving caring woman who'll make a great mother. I just can't seem to get enthusiastic about moving on to marriage.

 

She gave me an ultimatum and then moved out - because I didn't come bashing down the door declaring my undying love for her she now wants me to move out so she can carry on with her life. I'm gutted I want to be 100% sure but think like the posters on this site that I may be just settling. She thinks we have a great relationship and we do It just seems to me that there is something missing and I refuse to just settle because the's desperate to marry me and have my children. I will probably move out tomorrow. I dont want to as I want to work at the relationship and get back to feeling about her what I felt in the months leading up to asking her to marry me.

 

I think I rushed things. I've been unsure all through our 2 year relationship and have always worked very hard to quash any negative feelings as previously I'd had many committment-phobic realtionships where I was too quick to get out or dismiss the other person for superficial reasons.

 

She wants me to move out because she cant see why she should have to persuade me that we are great together and it's doing nothing for her self-esteem.

 

It's going to break my heart as I feel such a faliure and really rspect her but I just need to be totalyy 100% sure - I know some people "know" and I just dont! I dont trust my feelings alot of the time as I blow hot and cold.

 

This has been going on for 6 months my friends are very supportive and I'm exhausted. Should I go ahead and give it a shot in the hope that these doubts will fade and the penny will drop that I'm doing the right thing or cut both our losses and break up which will be very very hard?

 

Thanks for your time!

[clearingclouds]

confusedblake: I am sorry that your life is difficult know, I think I can relate as I'm going through a similar experience, engaged, and exhausted. Others sharing this experience have also posted messages on another thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t24624/.

 

From what others have said, only you know the answer to your question, the same goes for my questions - should I give my fiance yet another chance? Or should I really leave this time? I, too, am stuck. In therapy, I was told that no matter what I do/decide, there will be regrets. Regrets if I leave, regrets if stay. Therapy has helped me (build myself/my confidence), hopefully it has helped you. We don't want to hurt the ones we love, at the same time, in my case, it is so hard to continue feeling hurt, unloved.

 

Eventually, there will be resolution no matter what happens. Until then, this is a very difficult place to be.

[confusedbloke]

thanks clearingclouds.

 

I'm moving out of our house today. She wants me to and I feel I have to.

 

I think "square peg - round hole" best describes my situation. I have tried everything to make myself feel better about my situation. I think in my desire to make this relationship work I ignored the red flags telling me we weren't on the same wavelength - I love and respect her as a person but have not felt I have got all I need from the relationship. Maybe I've expected too much - I'll know later if other relationships don't work I guess. I have learned much from her and this experience. I know how to conduct a relationship, I understand how love works, I know what I want, I have learned honesty and how to tap into my feelings and understand them.

 

CCs - your relationship is slightly different. I have ZERO arguments with my fiance, she's never raised her voice to me nor me to her. I was in a destructive relationship once. Do you get off on the dramas and roller-coaster ride of it deep down? Mine was quite exciting for a time - she wanted to get married but i couldn't understand why if we argued all the time. In the end I plucked up the courage and left. She's now married and I found someone else I nearly married.

 

Do yourself a favour mate and get out - you'll be OK - you HAVE to be happy!

 

Wish me luck......

[Starford135]

[Callie, are you still in the situation with your boyfriend, or did you break up?

 

I am in the same situation...my boyfriend is a wonderful, nice guy who is so good to me. We are good companions. But I'm not "in love" and don't really want to have sex with him.

He's a fine person, and I would have a nice life with him. And it's so hard to be alone. I'm 52, and it's hard to meet people. I've been divorced 6 years, and have had a couple of boyfriends, but they didn't work out. I broke up with a couple, and a couple broke up with me.

But I loved two of them, and I know it felt different from this.

I would rather be with someone, and have a nice, coupled life back....I was married for 18 years.

My boyfriend is a good, caring nice person; he's nice-looking and kind, and is wonderful to me. I appreciate him. But, I don't feel affectionate toward him, and I don't look forward to being physical to him. Even though he's a good lover.

I have a full life -- good job, sports, friends --- so it's not like I have nothing and need to make a life for myself. But I hate just meeting meeting meeting people and having so many first dates. And over 50, it's pretty rough.

Is there any way I can marry him and be happy?