Chilli Pepper Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I have been dating this guy from an online dating site for 2 months and we had great chemistry, especially in bed. In his word - I'm his best. He never stop talking how great I made him feel, how amazing I am. We saw each other twice a week but other time we don't know what each other was doing. we don't call each other, only text message during the day. I recently found out that he is still on the dating site actively. I really like him so I brought up the question: do you prefer seeing each other exclusively or keep seeing other people as well? The answer: I don't know. Yet he still keep telling me how increadible I am. What's up with this guy?
New Again Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Easy. This is what's going on: He wants to screw you, but he doesn't want to commit to you. Pay attention to what guys DO, not what they SAY. They are experts at saying what girls want to hear, so they can get girls to sleep with them and string them along, while failing to put actions to words.
BCCA Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 He's playing you. Stop sleeping with him unless he can commit, and watch him dissapear. Oh, and anytime someone's answer is 'I dont know' it really means 'I dont want to tell you'.
New Again Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Oh, and anytime someone's answer is 'I dont know' it really means 'I dont want to tell you'. That too. It means some variation of "I don't want to tell you" - like, "If I told you, you'd stop giving me what I want."
mortensorchid Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 He wants to keep all his options open. He doesn't want to commit to you. That's the story.
Author Chilli Pepper Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 Easy. This is what's going on: He wants to screw you, but he doesn't want to commit to you. Pay attention to what guys DO, not what they SAY. They are experts at saying what girls want to hear, so they can get girls to sleep with them and string them along, while failing to put actions to words. I do really like him, should I keep seeing him since it is only 2 months? I knew he dated a lot after his divorce. But knowing he is dating other girls makes me very uncomfortable and if so no good feeling will really come out of it, just a matter of time. I haven't click with someone like this for a long time. what should I do?
New Again Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I do really like him, should I keep seeing him since it is only 2 months? I knew he dated a lot after his divorce. But knowing he is dating other girls makes me very uncomfortable and if so no good feeling will really come out of it, just a matter of time. I haven't click with someone like this for a long time. what should I do? After making tons of mistakes and being in numerous miserable and hopeless situations, this is one important thing I've learned: other people don't change, and YOU can't change them. The only thing you can change is yourself, and how you react to situations. So, this is how I see the situation: Guy doesn't want to commit to you. --> You ask him about it. --> He, like a coward, gives you a bs answer to continue to string you along while trying to not tell you what he's really thinking. --> You're not happy with the situation, because you want a commitment. You are perfectly within your rights to want some kind of commitment. However, you already know that he's not willing to do that for you. So, what do YOU think you should do? (Hint: you're not happy, and you know he won't commit to you....)
phineas Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 That too. It means some variation of "I don't want to tell you" - like, "If I told you, you'd stop giving me what I want." I just love it when a grown woman gives me the same answer my 3yr old does when I ask them what they want or why they did something. They know. Even my 3 yr old knows.
alphamale Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 What's up with this guy? whats up is that he's playing you like a fiddle
Author Chilli Pepper Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 whats up is that he's playing you like a fiddle wow, I never known that someone will go distance to devoted to acting: nonstopping compliment as like he is so lucky to meet you, always book you days ahead, plan trip with you for 2 months later. And yet, I am so amazing but he still wants to see other fishes in the sea. Go figure!
2sunny Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 wow, I never known that someone will go distance to devoted to acting: nonstopping compliment as like he is so lucky to meet you, always book you days ahead, plan trip with you for 2 months later. And yet, I am so amazing but he still wants to see other fishes in the sea. Go figure! exactly! because he gets the sex by telling you what you want to hear. it's that simple for him. tell me you use protection for yourself when you sleep with him? now that you know his ploy, are you still willing to have the sex but no commitment from him?
New Again Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 wow, I never known that someone will go distance to devoted to acting: nonstopping compliment as like he is so lucky to meet you, always book you days ahead, plan trip with you for 2 months later. And yet, I am so amazing but he still wants to see other fishes in the sea. Go figure! Yeah ok sorry to break it to you. He doesn't think that you are "so amazing" or any of the other things he says to you when he is complimenting you. He says those things so you think he likes you and he can f*** you. Get it? Guys says whatever sh*t they think will get them laid. OK???? He doesn't MEAN any of it, unless he puts actions to words, which he's not. Words come cheap, actions not so much.
BCCA Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Here is a pretty easy rule to follow: If someone doesnt want to commit, they dont think youre long term material. Yes, he'll keep taking the free sex, and he'll keep coming up with BS 'youre so amazing' lines, because guess what? He keeps getting in your pants that way! If he cant say for sure he wants to commit, he doesnt want to. Thats not going to change, no matter what else happens.
Johnny M Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 whats up is that he's playing you like a fiddle How is he playing her? He's not denying the fact that he's seeing other women. It's called an open relationship. As for him not knowing whether he wants to be in a committed relationship, that could very well be true. Maybe he likes the OP but is still trying to see if he can do better. As for OP's question: you've got two options. You can continue sleeping with him, knowing that he's also seeing other women and that there's a good chance that your relationship would never become serious/exclusive. If the sex is good, why not? Nothing prevents you from continuing to look for something more serious in the meanwhile. Or, you can tell him that you are not comfortable with the whole arrangement and that if he wants to continue seeing you, he would have to delete his online dating profile and stop seeing other women.
Ilovecake Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 He's telling you what you want to hear not what he feels so that you keep putting out. Everyone above is correct, he's just casually dating you and probably a few other women as well. You have to decide whether you feel comfortable being in a casual sexual relationship with someone who is dating other people at the same time. He might be fun and great and you guys might have a great time together but if you're not getting what you want out of the relationship you should stop seeing him.
New Again Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 How is he playing her? He's not denying the fact that he's seeing other women. It's called an open relationship. As for him not knowing whether he wants to be in a committed relationship, that could very well be true. Maybe he likes the OP but is still trying to see if he can do better. As for OP's question: you've got two options. You can continue sleeping with him, knowing that he's also seeing other women and that there's a good chance that your relationship would never become serious/exclusive. If the sex is good, why not? Nothing prevents you from continuing to look for something more serious in the meanwhile. Or, you can tell him that you are not comfortable with the whole arrangement and that if he wants to continue seeing you, he would have to delete his online dating profile and stop seeing other women. Johnny M, you clearly don't understand women. Second, he is not be open or honest with the OP. Instead of telling her straight up that he wants an open relationship (or anything else) he's just giving her non-committal answers, in an attempt to string her along. An honest answer might sound something like: OP, I really like sleeping with you and the fact that you pay attention to me and validate me. However, I think I might be able to do better than you, so while I want to keep seeing you and sleeping with you, I will be dating and sleeping with other women as well. THAT is being open and honest. I didn't read anywhere that the OP said that is what happened. When a man flatters a woman he is sleeping with, but won't commit to her, very much like the situation described by the OP, what he means is, I'm trying to string you along without committing.
carhill Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 How long has he been divorced and, other than his words, how do you know this? Tell me about the appearance of his new bachelor pad, since you've been in the bedroom a fair amount. Nicely furnished? Art on the walls? Does he have any children? IMO, if you want exclusivity in a sexual relationship, that's your boundary. Up to him whether he wants to do that. Up to you whether you want to continue having sex with him. How long since your last LTR or marriage?
Johnny M Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Johnny M, you clearly don't understand women. LOL, no question about it:laugh:. Any man who tells you that he understands women is a bold-faced liar... Second, he is not be open or honest with the OP. Instead of telling her straight up that he wants an open relationship (or anything else) he's just giving her non-committal answers, in an attempt to string her along. Sometimes you don't need to state the obvious. If the man is seeing other women and makes no secret of it, I think it's pretty damn obvious that he's not committed to you. He told the OP that he likes her and that he enjoys having sex with. That is probably true (why else would he be seeing her otherwise?) I didn't read anything suggesting that he was trying to make the OP believe they were in an serious, exclusive relationship. An honest answer might sound something like: OP, I really like sleeping with you and the fact that you pay attention to me and validate me. However, I think I might be able to do better than you, so while I want to keep seeing you and sleeping with you, I will be dating and sleeping with other women as well. Haha, who would say something like this? Are you trying to suggest that unless you present the facts in a way that totally humiliates the other person, you are being dishonest? Like I said, there is no need to explain the obvious. That fact that he's seeing other women and is not hiding it speaks for itself.
BCCA Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Johnny, I see what youre saying, but here is what leads me to believe he's withholding info, if not full out lying: she asked him if he wanted to be exclusive or date other people and he said 'I dont know'. Now, there is no way in the world he doesnt know, but what he DOES know is that if he tells her he wants to date other people, shes not going to sleep with him anymore. That's dishonest. At the end of the day though, you know where he stands. He's not going to commit, and all he provides is a penis and a bed. Doesnt sound like that is enough, so time to walk.
Johnny M Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Johnny, I see what youre saying, but here is what leads me to believe he's withholding info, if not full out lying: she asked him if he wanted to be exclusive or date other people and he said 'I dont know'. You may be right. Or maybe he really doesn't know what he wants. There's no shortage of indecisive people out there. In any event, the fact that he didn't say YES is a clear enough indication of the fact that he's not treating their relationship as a serious one.
Soul Bear Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Depends...how often do you both have sex together compared to how often you meet up? If it's every time you meet, you sleep together, then most likely he is playing you. But you can't be certain. If you guys are actually hanging out as well then I don't see why he should be classed as a player
xpaperxcutx Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 This is not a relationship. They don't communicate or talk about anything outside of a biweekly meeting involving sex. That said, there is no pronounced exclusivity on both parties. OP, whether you like it or not, he is stringing you along with words of fancy in hopes of maintaining the chances of getting in your pants. Obviously to him, sex is all that matters, but since you want more than that, it's time for you to sever ties with him and seek your possibilities elsewhere.
New Again Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 (edited) Johnny, I see what youre saying, but here is what leads me to believe he's withholding info, if not full out lying: she asked him if he wanted to be exclusive or date other people and he said 'I dont know'. Now, there is no way in the world he doesnt know, but what he DOES know is that if he tells her he wants to date other people, shes not going to sleep with him anymore. That's dishonest. At the end of the day though, you know where he stands. He's not going to commit, and all he provides is a penis and a bed. Doesnt sound like that is enough, so time to walk. Johnny M, while my response was fairly exaggerated (and therefore ridiculous, yes, but I was trying to make a point with the ridiculousness of it), this is pretty much, at the very base, what I was getting at. More specifically, he is giving her positive reinforcement (you're the best ever, etc.), while at the same time giving her ZERO indication that he is seeing other people, and/or not interested in committing to her...let's face it, if she really was the best ever, he would be committing to her. Therefore, his words are dishonest. True, when she asked him about it he said "I don't know" instead of saying he would commit to her....which to you might be obvious, but she's thinking, "but I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, he said so!!"....do you see what I'm saying? Edited October 17, 2009 by New Again
Johnny M Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 True, when she asked him about it he said "I don't know" instead of saying he would commit to her....which to you might be obvious, but she's thinking, "but I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, he said so!!"....do you see what I'm saying? I think what you're saying is that it sucks to be naive...And I agree 100%.
New Again Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 I think what you're saying is that it sucks to be naive...And I agree 100%. I like you a lot Johnny M!
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