cali321 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Hi all, I met someone online a few months back I was interested in, but I had a little anxiety about online dating and being hurt so took take things really slow. I never really intiated contact or suggested seeing each other, I let him do it all. He'd invite me to concerts, weekends away and I'd make up excuses and only see him on a limited basis. I was pretty cold and tried to keep things from moving past a certian point. I think he kind of took my lead with it....For example, I usually didn't return his phone calls and rather would email a few days later that I was busy, so he stopped calling and resorted to only email. I recently realized that I really really like him and wanted things to move forward. He had been on vacation camping for 10 days and I missed him, a lot. We saw each other right before he left and had a great time. Since he's been back I initiated contact and he suggested hanging out. We made plans and he cancelled, suggested another date, only to cancel again. This happened one other time and I asked if he wanted to reschedule or just cancel and he again suggested another time.....but we never saw each other. Last weekend we both attended the same party. I reached out to see if he'd be there and we texted back and forth a few times. I saw it as a positive since he was engaging in conversation and coming back to me with questions. He hung around me all night at the party and I was really happy! I wrote him an email asking about the rest of his weekend and told him it was great to see him and its too bad we havn't been able to get together lately because I enjoy spending time with him. He wrote back about his weekend and then just said, it was good to see you too. I figured, if I want to see him, I just need to ask. So I did.....I'm currently trying to be patient waiting for a reply. My questions is.....Did I ruin this? Should I be honest and tell him what I was going through the past 3 moths with fear, anxiety etc to see if there's a chance? I just wonder if it is too little too late and he's thinking to himself, I'm going to let this go because my effort and advances haven't really gone anywhere. Any advice is appreciated. I'm kind of bent out of shape that I did this 'take it slow thing' and took it a little too far and missed the chance with someone I really like. And I'm of course writing all this assuming he's going to blow me off in his email reply, if I get one.....
Yukikazi Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 After noticing you never bothered to initiate anything.. I woulda moved on too. Its a give and take thing.. he gave.. you took but never gave anything back.. if you don't bother to call or make contact and don't even return his calls.. that's not only rude as hell, but obvious signs that you don't care or respect him enough to take 30 seconds to text him back much less call him. My opinion is you blew your chance... but hey.. anything can happen.. depends on him.
Author cali321 Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 Yikes! I guess I didn't explain very well....I certainly never disrespected him or was rude. With the phone call thing, I just wasn't ready to spend hours talking on the phone with him, so when he'd call, I'd send an email later saying I was busy that evening so I couldn't return the call. I just wanted to keep things casual at the start until I got comfortable with it. We had been hanging out for 4 months or so.....that seems like a long time but it was summer and we both did quite a bot of travelling. That last weekend before his trip, he showed no signs of thinking I was rude or that he was going to check out and back off. We spent a day out on his boat, went golfing (he even had his brother come along) and he invited me to a bbq his family was having. Then he went away camping and has been blowing me off since. If he thought I was rude and was really done with me, don't you find it surprising that he hung around me all night at the party we were at? Saying hello and catching up for a little is one thing, but not seperating for 4 hours is another.... Is it crazy if I just come out and ask, "hey, I feel like things have cooled off here and you've been blowing me off, what's going on?" Or, "I understand that maybe you thought I didn't really care about this because of how I acted, but I am really interested" and kind of explain myself a little? Thanks for getting back to me!
New Again Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I'll be the first to admit that I'm pretty biased against "tortured souls" who have some kind of "tragic past" -- i.e. were treated badly -- (were cheated on, etc.) that cause them to "need" to "take things slow" and build trust, etc. I think that's a crock of ****, and people that go that route tend to be very dramatic and emotional individuals. I realize this sounds very harsh, but I'm not judging, just throwing in an FYI this is where I'm coming from. (And yes, this is from someone who has been cheated on, has been treated badly and allowed herself to be treated badly - but I think people should learn from those experiences, not use it as an excuse to behave badly in future relationships.) So, to answer your question, NO, I don't think you should explain to this guy why you were being a jerk for the last several months and treating him badly. Because face it, that's what you were doing. You claim to be interested/into him, but you weren't acting like it. You were playing games with him, and acting poorly, and now you want to use some experience(s) that have NOTHING to do with him as an excuse as to why that was the case and why he should be understanding and give you another chance. Please don't do that. Please just start acting like a person who is interested and respect him and treat him the way he should be treated by someone who is interested in him. If you have it in you, go ahead and admit to him that you were behaving badly before, and that it had nothing to do with him, wasn't his fault, and you were so wrong to have done so. But don't make excuses for yourself (yes, that's what they are). Did you ruin your chances? Maybe, maybe not, as the above poster said. Depends on the guy. The best you can do right now is just act like a normal human being who accepts responsibility for her actions.
New Again Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Yikes! I guess I didn't explain very well....I certainly never disrespected him or was rude. With the phone call thing, I just wasn't ready to spend hours talking on the phone with him, so when he'd call, I'd send an email later saying I was busy that evening so I couldn't return the call. I just wanted to keep things casual at the start until I got comfortable with it. We had been hanging out for 4 months or so.....that seems like a long time but it was summer and we both did quite a bot of travelling. That last weekend before his trip, he showed no signs of thinking I was rude or that he was going to check out and back off. We spent a day out on his boat, went golfing (he even had his brother come along) and he invited me to a bbq his family was having. Then he went away camping and has been blowing me off since. If he thought I was rude and was really done with me, don't you find it surprising that he hung around me all night at the party we were at? Saying hello and catching up for a little is one thing, but not seperating for 4 hours is another.... Is it crazy if I just come out and ask, "hey, I feel like things have cooled off here and you've been blowing me off, what's going on?" Or, "I understand that maybe you thought I didn't really care about this because of how I acted, but I am really interested" and kind of explain myself a little? Thanks for getting back to me! You may not think you were rude or whatever, but from reading the OP, and this post as well, you didn't act like a person who was particularly interested in him. I don't think it's fair to say "hey, I feel like things have cooled off here and you've been blowing me off, what's going on?" because of your previous behavior. It's pretty clear what is/was going on, and it's because of your actions, so don't put it on him.
Author cali321 Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 OK, thanks for the replies... I think have realized that I haven't been treating him as I should have been. I don't think I was rude or treated him poorly, I just didn't treat him as if he were someone I had a real genuine interest in. I realized this, and realized that I needed to change. So I did and upon his return from his vacation I thought I had. I was contacting him and trying to make plans, but he always cancelled. Is there something else I should be or shoudl have been doing? I thought I was sending a good meeesage.... I am totally willing to admit to him that I wasn't behaving properly and tell him/show him that I have a real interest in him. I guess my problem is that I don't know if its my behavior that has made him turn the other way. He still hasn't replied to an email I sent him yesterday asking to hang out. I'm assuming that he'll decline saying he has some other plans ior never reply at all....at that point to I call or email and go forward with admitting that I know I behaved badly, and I'm will to treat things differently if he wants to give me a shot?
New Again Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Since he started out by inviting you to things, calling you, etc., I'm sure that his lack of interest NOW is a result of your behavior.
2sunny Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 maybe he just realized after time passed that you both have different styles of communicating and it wasn't a good fit. to socialize with you at a gathering is only because you were both in the same place at the same time. only normal and polite. i think he probably moved on after you didn't make enough effort the first go around... he's probably thinking that it will be the same if he starts again - and that it's just not enough for him.
Author cali321 Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 So the next time I make contact with him, I will fess up and see what happens. I just worry that maybe its totally something else. He did stick around with me for 4 months and the last thing he invited me to was a family bbq! The next day he leave for a 10 day trip and comes home not wanting to hang out anymore. No real signs that things were changing with him or he was backing off until it suddenly happened. I fear that I'm acting as though this guy is totally into me but backed off because of how I was acting, but maybe he's really not into me???? One way to find out I guess. I'll wait to see if he replies to my email. If he wants to hang out (which I doubt) I'll set something up and talk with him then, if he doesn't want to hang out, I think I'll call him to talk and see what happens. Hopefully that won't seem needy, or forceful or crazy or anything......
2sunny Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 so either way you are still going to talk to him? ummmm, no - if he's not interested - what's the point, to beg? ummmm, no...
Author cali321 Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 No, no not to beg. My intention would be more to acknowledge and take responsibility for my part with the way things were going and explain that I don't like it. I need more and am ready to have it move forward - I'd like to communicate that. I don't know for sure that he was backing off because of how I was acting, but most posters here seem to think thats why. I don't want to act that way anymore and I thought maybe if I told him that, he'd give it another chance.....and now it seems like begging......but I saw it more as communicating with him about how I acted, how I want to act and what i want/need.
Yukikazi Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 It wouldn't be begging.. it would be inititating an adult conversation and admitting you wern't on top of your game with him and apologize and if he is willing to give you another chance, you would promise to do better, you already know what the alternative is. To use a tennis analogy.. He was serving to you in the beginning but you kept letting the ball foul out.. Now after the halftime break you want to play but he has to decide if he even wants to get back on the court. Just serve it a couple times and see if he volleys back or not... Its game and set... the results of your next conversation will determine the match.. so to speak.
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