whattodonow12 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I have written on the OW/OM forum as I ended up in an A with a friend from college. I won't go into those details since they are already there. We are currently in NC and live on opposite sides of the country. But, I am also currently separated from my H of 18 years. We have 2 children, a teenager and a preteen. He has been verbally abusive and had an anger problem for the majority of our marriage. I made him leave our home earlier this year and we have been living apart. Things for the most part are going okay, but he is constantly working to come back to me. I am so confused right now over my subsequent affair and the way that he has treated me for years and year that I don't think that I am thinking clearly. My H on a daily basis has been sullen and angry, and it has just gotten worse over the past 5 years. He has called me every vile name that you could possibly think of...stayed moody.... threw things at me (such as a loaded gun in his gun belt (he was a police officer))..shoved me.... blamed me for all of our problems... not handled money well. It got to the point where I wondered if our two children (both boys) would turn out just like him. When they were away at a friends house, they would ask "is Dad in a good mood?" when I picked them up. It was the first thing that they would say. I finally reached the point where I felt like just a beat down shell of a person. I am not a perfect person by no means, but I have always treated him and my children very well. Earlier this year, something just snapped, and I decided that I had had enough. I gave him an ultimatum to go to counseling, and if he didn't go, I was going to divorce him. He was extremely angry, and he couldn't figure out why I was acting like this now.. when I have put up with it for 18 years...why couldn't I just keep putting up with it.. (He actually said that!) He didn't go to a counselor then, but I did. I worked hard to regain my "power" in our relationship as it was definitely one sided. He refused at first to go to counseling, but relented when he figured out I was serious. (and this was before my A). I kept giving him a second chance. His counseling sessions have never been ongoing. He has gone maybe 4 times total in a year. Right before I made him leave, we had a horrible night (thank goodness both children were gone to their friend's homes) where he got so angry that he threw one of our dogs against the wall. I went to protect the dog, and he threatened me... "He said, you're next, you don't have your children to protect you now." I was sickened. Of course, he always apologizes and says that he doesn't mean it. (this has been a cycle for years). But, I made him leave. Now, he is trying very hard. He is going to counseling and is on a medication for depression. He seems better when I talk to him on the phone. He wants to come back home, but I still say no. Now, I am feeling guilty for not giving him a chance. But, the reality is that I love him, but I don't feel the love a wife should feel for her husband anymore. I feel like his words and actions have just killed off that love a little bit at a time.. just bit by bit for years. And, there is nothing left. I love him like I love anyone else in my family, but it is not a romantic love. I am worried about trying to pick up the pieces of my life. It is such a mess right now. But, I am working hard to keep things going for my boys. I get pressure from H that he could and would help me more if he was here with me. Any words of wisdom or insight? I need help. The pressure to give him another chance is so exhausting. I don't know what to do. I am worried that I will end right back where I was.
hopeful1980 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I am sorry for your pain. I don't think you should give him another chance unfortunately. If you do, he needs anger management. What he did to the dog and said to you was unacceptable and you shouldn't put up with it.
The Midnight Rider Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 First off, I don't feel sorry for you. You kicked your husband out of the marital home that you shared for 18 years because of an "anger issue"? I don't feel sorry for you sister. I'm proud of you. More women should be just like you. You had a dangerous situation and you grabbed a hold of it. You changed it not just for you, but for the sake of your children. That takes balls, lady and you've got them. Big brass ones. You should take them out and let them swing in the breeze as long as you are careful not to knock over any nearby homes. My advice? Your on a roll. You've got momentum. Go with it. If it's over, baby, it's OVA! Let him go elsewhere and be pissed at the world, it's no longer your job to hold him after he does something stupid like toss a dog into a wall. This is your time now. Let the breeze flow through your hair as you face the future with outstretched arms, breathing in the sweet air of freedom! You seem like such a nice lady to even CONSIDER giving this guy another chance. But make no mistake, he's got a long way to go to be the kind of man you would let back in your life, let alone back into your home or even back into your bed and it sounds to me you need a third much older child like you need a third nipple. Get on with your life and let him get on with his. BTW, when he cries (and he will because he know mommies cant resist that), be strong and I just don't mean toilet paper strong, I mean military grade armor type strong. Now, get on with it!
Author whattodonow12 Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 Thanks to both of you. I need all of the affirmation that I am doing the right thing that I can get. Today is a day that I was feeling down and unsure, and I am glad that I posted what was happening. Midnight, I laughed out loud at your post. I may be crumbling a little today, but I feel so strong... so strong and I want to keep feeling that going.
The Midnight Rider Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Thanks to both of you. I need all of the affirmation that I am doing the right thing that I can get. Today is a day that I was feeling down and unsure, and I am glad that I posted what was happening. Midnight, I laughed out loud at your post. I may be crumbling a little today, but I feel so strong... so strong and I want to keep feeling that going. Then stop crumbling and start building! Shoulders down, head up, straight through. Ohhh-Rah!
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