youngatheart Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 My ex of 3 1/2 years broke it off 2 wks. ago and it was pretty painful. I have kept no contact since that time. Then, he e-mails me yesterday (I haven't responded & am going to keep no contact for another 2 wks.) and here's what he said: "Hey (he had the nickname he calls me here), The last time we spoke you had said one of the worst parts of us splitting up was you losing a friend. It shouldn't be that way. There are plenty of people who remain friends after dating. You are a good person, I do care about how you are doing, how the new job is going and all. It would be nice to stay in touch & visit from time to time..." What the...?????????? K, gang - break it down for me... what's going on here? How should I respond in a couple of wks?
Butterflying Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I've been dumped and I've also been the dumpee. So I can see the grass from both sides of the fence. I will admit, it's a lot harder to want to be friends with someone you love when they dump you. But here's the thing.... As I've matured, my relationships have matured as well. Sometimes, we date really great people. That may be the reason we fall in love. But just because someone is really great, that doesn't mean they are the best person for you. I know that sucks! But it's true. In the past three years I've had at least four really great male friends who have gone on the have loving relationships with more compatible mates than me. And guess what, I'm still friends with three of those men. And I would be friends with the 4th guy too, except he's dating someone who doesn't agree with keeping ex's as friends. So I just wish him the best. It really all depends on the way the two of you handled things in the relationship. I find that anyone who can't be friends AFTER breaking up, they were never really friends from the begining. True friendship never ends.
Author youngatheart Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 Thanks butterflying... you know, I never thought of it that way. You've given me some "food for thought..." - thank you.
conehead Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I've been dumped and I've also been the dumpee. So I can see the grass from both sides of the fence. I will admit, it's a lot harder to want to be friends with someone you love when they dump you. But here's the thing.... As I've matured, my relationships have matured as well. Sometimes, we date really great people. That may be the reason we fall in love. But just because someone is really great, that doesn't mean they are the best person for you. I know that sucks! But it's true. In the past three years I've had at least four really great male friends who have gone on the have loving relationships with more compatible mates than me. And guess what, I'm still friends with three of those men. And I would be friends with the 4th guy too, except he's dating someone who doesn't agree with keeping ex's as friends. So I just wish him the best. It really all depends on the way the two of you handled things in the relationship. I find that anyone who can't be friends AFTER breaking up, they were never really friends from the begining. True friendship never ends. Butterfly - Of the 3 guys you remain friends with, who broke up with who in those cases? Youngatheart - I think each person is different. For me, I just don't do friends with exes...it just makes my life more complicated. That being said I know alot of people like Butterfly who are able to get past the pain and remain friends with exes. But no matter what, whether you choose to be friends or not, you need to wait AT LEAST until you are over your feelings, whether it takes months or even years. If not, it will hurt ALOT once your ex starts dating someone new.
Author youngatheart Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 And your right, conehead... the toughest part is not being over my feelings for him. It hurts too much to be friends and watch him date other women...
Taucher Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I've been dumped and I've also been the dumpee. So I can see the grass from both sides of the fence. I will admit, it's a lot harder to want to be friends with someone you love when they dump you. It really all depends on the way the two of you handled things in the relationship. I find that anyone who can't be friends AFTER breaking up, they were never really friends from the begining. True friendship never ends. The first part of this is true I think. It IS harder for the dumpee to remain friends. I don't agree with the second part though. I would argue (and I might be wrong) that if you can remain friends, then you were probably only friends and not in love and should have stayed that way. I cannot be friends with my ex (who left me) because, quite simply, I am in love with her still. Being friends with someone you are in love with is impossible. You can be friends with someone who you were once in love with if you no longer are in love with them. How can I be friends with my ex while still in love with her? I cant. We met up once after she left me, I could not hold her, kiss her etc. And then if you remain friends, they find a new partner. If you are still in love with them at this point...get out. Leave them alone. T
trueblue72ny Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 the ex probably wants to be friends so they have a backup (you) in case their new plans fall thru. it also relieves them of their guilt so you make it easier for them to move on. you are also providing an ego boost to them, because they know you are still thinking about them. i dont think you can be friends with an ex if you still have any trace of romantic feelings for them. only until you have both completely healed moved on can you even consider it. and at that point usually its like why would you bother anyway. sorry for the not so happy picture i just painted here. but i have learned this time and time again. and the advice i just mentioned above i got from some folks here. i didnt want to believe it, but a year later i was.
Ilovecake Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I don't know if this is true for everyone but it helped me immensely make the "friend" decision. My therapist gave me a great piece of advice. She said you can be friends with your ex the day you can go on a double date with him and his new girl and actually have a good time.
Lorraine Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 The first part of this is true I think. It IS harder for the dumpee to remain friends. I don't agree with the second part though. I would argue (and I might be wrong) that if you can remain friends, then you were probably only friends and not in love and should have stayed that way. I cannot be friends with my ex (who left me) because, quite simply, I am in love with her still. Being friends with someone you are in love with is impossible. You can be friends with someone who you were once in love with if you no longer are in love with them. How can I be friends with my ex while still in love with her? I cant. We met up once after she left me, I could not hold her, kiss her etc. And then if you remain friends, they find a new partner. If you are still in love with them at this point...get out. Leave them alone. T I don't know if I agree with that T- I mean if you were friends first and lovers after.. shouldn't one try and maintain that friendship? It gets easier I feel knowing where you AND your ex are heading, no? I would want that friendship to be maintained because we would have grown together over the years. I would want that person to be happy, as my friend, even if it's not with me (although not ecstatically happy). LOL
TheLoneSock Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 When you're ready just shoot him a quick reply: "It's going great. I don't think we should be talking though, I want my space. Please respect that, thanks." Short, powerful, and gives him nothing.
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