Church Bells Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 ps. doesn't seem that he's all too concerned about what you might need for happiness. does that seem one sided to only me? Not exactly!!! Just for a differing perspective ... as a BH ... when I read the OP's one-sided descriptions of her H, I couldn't help but get the feeling that I bet her H has a completely different perspective on the situation. This OP could very possibly be way over the top on her assessments of her H's deficiencies, while embellishing her roles in the M. This situation is not uncommon, but in my experiences, in REALITY, it is RARELY as one-sided as this OP suggests. It is much more probable that the OP has played a major role in creating the personality and behaviors of her H that she now is using as justification for leaving him.
Author beanzmom Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Wow. Just wow. I have not embellished anything. trust me. I thought it was me in the beginning, wondering why my H was never happy with me. I realized too late that he was trying to change me. My husband does very little at our home. I can tell you that I do not sit down LITERALLY when I get home at night until well after 10 p.m. when the dishes are done, kids are asleep, etc. I get ZERO time to myself. ZERO. I handle nearly every single chore around the house, save from what my aunt in law does to help me. And the trash, which H takes out weekly. Oh, and he picks up dog poop in the backyard. It's okay if you don't believe me. There are plenty of people out there who embellish stories to make themselves seem the victim. Trust me, I'm living what I'm saying. Depression and alcoholism, along with a family history of abuse and a really bad childhood make for miserable spouses. And miserable marriages. My family, who sees what is happening on a near daily basis, has been encouraging me to leave him for years. And they see what's going on.
Author beanzmom Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 And what justification can you use to excuse his infidelities?
Church Bells Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I have not embellished anything. trust me. Let's just say that I've learned through hard earned experience to be skeptical of women who start re-writing their marital history prior to filing for a D. If it has been as bad as you claim for as long as you claim, then I question why you are just now reaching the point of D, not to mention why you reproduced another child with him in the midst of this turmoil. Also, I find your descriptions lacking of the labels you are assigning. 1 to 1.5 cases of Oktoberfest a week hardly qualifies as an alcoholic ... it could just as easily be described as a H attempting to cope with his own form of self-medication or better yet, someone who simply enjoys a very good beer. Likely, the real truth lies somewhere in between the two extremes. Also, what you describe as ABUSE is more likely frustrated angry outbursts, since you don't mention any violence. When a woman cries ABUSE in the midst of contemplating divorce, you need to understand that a significant portion of men (and some women) will automatically question her motives. It is just too convenient of a ploy for a W to use, that automatically places her H on the defensive of being guilty until proven innocent. Furthermore, when you assign 100% of the problems in your M to your H, while accepting NONE of the blame for its current condition, your credibility will be questioned as very biased. I suppose its possible, but I've yet to see a troubled M that was 100% the fault of ONE spouse. I also get the impression that YOUR family is way too involved in your M and are guilty of meddling, if they've been telling you for years to leave this man. He very well may be the worst H in the USA, but if so, WHY did you stay this long and have more children with him??? We all make our own judgments about the situations that are posted here ... some will believe you ... others will question your credibility and motives ... while others will fall somewhere in between. For me personally, I think you would be well served to make a serious, honest evaluation of how your HUSBAND perceives the current situation, before accepting your own perceptions as completely accurate.
Author beanzmom Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 I understand your point. However, you do not know me, nor do you know my situation. You are getting the story from me, and from what I'm saying it sounds very biased. And I admit, I'm not the easiest person to live with. I give everything I have to my family and expect as much in return. I don't think encouraging my H to finish school (he dropped out of school in 9th grade) and get a good job so that we can build a secure life for our children isn't being too much of a bitch. Seriously. As far as the second child, I had another baby with him because I wanted to have one. I was 35 and figured this was my only chance. He had been bugging me for years for another one and I figured this was it. Again, you don't know me. You don't know H. You can only see it from one perspective.
Author beanzmom Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Again, H is an alcoholic. he drinks a case and a half of beer a week. That's about a six pack a day. That's a lot of beer. And that's what I see...he may be drinking more than that. A month ago, he was up to a case and a fifth of whiskey every other day. Again,my perspective. Believe me if you will, or don't.
2sunny Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 whether or not we believe her is beside the point. she came here - presented her side of the situation - and asked for advice based on her evidence given... only she knows that to be her truth. i'm sure his truth is different - it ALWAYS is, this is based upon a persons perception. WHATEVER her truth is - she needs to decide where her boundary is and stick to it. we all have a breaking point... maybe hers won't occur for another 10-15 years... in the meantime she lives life the way it is now - or she gets out and moves on without him. it's up to her what she is willing and not willing to put up with in her daily life.
Fallen Angel Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Beanz, You have already stated you know what you need to do. Now you just need to find the strength to do it. I understand the fear of being alone. I understand how even though you are miserable, at least it is something you are familiar with and so you are scared of the unknown. I get it, I was you not too long ago. I am also 38 years old. I stayed for far too long, dealing with what you are dealing with and physical abuse as well. I finally left. I got my kids, got on a greyhound (he destroyed my car a few months before when I told him I was going to leave him), and moved, as I like to put it, "as far away from him as possible without actually living IN THE OCEAN!" I filed for a restraining order, and I started over with nothing but the clothes we had in our suitcases. (all of which we bought second hand because he wouldn't give me any of our things after we left.) I am struggling. I will not lie to you about that, my electric bill is always one month in arrears. My cable/internet bill hasn't been paid in months 9I am pleasantly surprised everyday that it hasn't been disconnected yet), my rent is past due but the landlord is working with me. BUT, and here is the HUGE BUT.... I am happy, my kids are happy, we laugh a lot, we turn the music up loud and dance in our living room, we take the bus to the beach, we visit the Children's museum the first Sunday each month (because that is when it is free), the kids are doing well in school (but my son had failed 3 yrs in a row while we were with my xH (the stress was causing him to act out at school), I go to sleep at night knowing we are all safe, that I will not wake up with a black eye tomorrow morning. I have made ONE very great friend here, and the kids have made many. We play games together, we talk about my day at work, and their day at school, and we are HAPPY. Go find your happiness!
RedDevil66 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I didn't read all the replies in here so someone may have said this already, but you're a codependent and would benefit from going to Al Anon Believe me, I feel your angst when you talk about being "sick of changing" and I am sure you have changed, but you havn't changed in ways that will give you the strength to detach and live your own life away from the addict. hugs, I know this struggle well
Author beanzmom Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 You know, I never saw myself as being co-dependent. I think you are right. It is like I need to be with someone to be happy. I was thinking this morning about how he has tried or HAS tried to cheat on me since about year two/three of our marriage. I found a local swinger's publication (listings, classifieds, want ads and very few pictures) under our bed on his side and confronted him about it. He said he bought it for the pictures. Whatever, that's what Hustler and Playboy and whatever are for. This was year three and our baby was less than a year old. After that, it was hookup sites, e-mails, Craig's List, etc. I believe He has tried (consciously or unconsciously) to cheat on me for a very long time. For him, it boils down to sex. He feels he "deserves" it regardless of what I am feeling. Early in our marriage, we moved 300 miles from home for my job, he "gave up" his police career even though it was really going nowhere, my father was diagnosed with cancer, I became pregnant with our first child and was very very sick, etc. etc. etc. it was one stressor after another and my libido slipped. He pulled away instead of engaging me, spending time with me or even trying to take some of the burden off. It was like I didn't matter to him anymore. I worked, paid bills, shopped, cooked, did half the cleaning, fed the cats. In the beginning he helped with housework, worked full-time. Now, not so much. He works part time, goes to school reluctantly and picks up now and again. I'm so tired. It's insulting that he feels I need to take care of the kids, the house, work full time, shop, pay bills, cook, etc. etc. etc. while he plays computer games, plays a bit with the kids, drinks excessively and he demands sex on top of it all. Oh, and there's the cheating thing. Actively soliciting meet-ups with other women. Joining affair sites. etc. Sigh. I need to get up off my arse and do something. Fast. He has not asked me or approached me for sex in nearly 10 weeks. Very unlike him. Either the alcohol has diminished his sex drive to the point of non-existance or he is getting it elsewhere.
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