beanzmom Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Hi: Just a general question, may be longish... As a woman in a bad marriage/situation, I have found myself completely out of love with my husband. For so many reasons, the relationship is bad, has been from 6 months in (we're in year 12). He's an alcoholic, mentally/verbally abusive, I'm always walking on egg shells around him. He claims I'm always the one causing the problems, being a bitch, etc. We moved far from home in year one of our marriage, my father was diagnosed with cancer and subsequently passed, not much money, lots of tough stuff going on. hubby began drinking and it was downhill from there. There was lots of neglect, mind games, etc. All blamed on me, of course. My question is, for those of you who have been in a similar situation, how long was it before you realized you just didn't care anymore. That you just didn't love your partner anymore? And how did you move on? Or did you? Everyone (family, friends) wants me to dump my husband, I'm ready to. we have a family member living with us, and that person would be displaced by our breaking up. No intimacy in nearly seven weeks, when he was "all about" it before. His sole way of connecting with me. Thanks in advance for your insight.
hopeful1980 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Your story could have been mine a year ago. It's so rough, isn't it? The only thing that helped my relationship was to change my attitude about the entire thing. I had to accept the fact that I couldn't change him and work on being the change I wanted to see in the relationship. It was very hard to do especially when my husband was acting exactly how you described your husband is acting, but it was needed and it worked. My husband stopped drinking, smoking, and just turned himself around without my constant complaining and nagging. If you don't feel like putting in the work it takes to save your marriage, I understand. But if you want to save your marriage, try to have a more positive attitude despite his bad behavior. That's what worked for me.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 The big question is are any children involved? It complicates matters greatly when they are still minors...
Author beanzmom Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 I am tired of being the one that puts all the effort into the relationship. He has put ZERO effort into it, even after/during marriage counseling. It's always ME that has to change. Sick of it. I wound up depressed and in counseling with Phobias having to take on a TON of stress and having no support (emotional or physical) from him. I seriously nearly had a breakdown. Working full time, taking care of a toddler, buying a house (he did NOTHING but go and look at houses and complain all the time about having to do it), losing my father, being laid off, living with my parents, etc. etc. etc. It sucked. He did nothing to help me or support me or even talk to me. Tuned me out. So I internalized and it nearly drove me insane. No, I won't try and be happy around him. I just can't. He blames ME for his problems. They were all brought on him by HIM and nobody else. And yes, we have two kids, both under 10.
hopeful1980 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I am tired of being the one that puts all the effort into the relationship. He has put ZERO effort into it, even after/during marriage counseling. It's always ME that has to change. Sick of it. I wound up depressed and in counseling with Phobias having to take on a TON of stress and having no support (emotional or physical) from him. I seriously nearly had a breakdown. Working full time, taking care of a toddler, buying a house (he did NOTHING but go and look at houses and complain all the time about having to do it), losing my father, being laid off, living with my parents, etc. etc. etc. It sucked. He did nothing to help me or support me or even talk to me. Tuned me out. So I internalized and it nearly drove me insane. No, I won't try and be happy around him. I just can't. He blames ME for his problems. They were all brought on him by HIM and nobody else. And yes, we have two kids, both under 10. I know the feeling you are describing. It does suck. But the thing is, you can't change him. It's not possible. The only person in this world you can change is yourself. I think your husband may feel like nothing he ever does is good enough so he stopped trying. He doesn't feel like you need him and you don't act like you need him because he always lets you down. It's a cycle. If he stopped letting you down you'd depend on him more, but if he felt like you really needed him he might stop letting you down. Someone has to be the first to break the cycle and since he seems absolutely clueless, I'm afraid you are more prepared to be the one who is the bigger person. If you don't want to do that, I understand. Start making your exit plan because he sure isn't going to change.
65tr6 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 (edited) I have found myself completely out of love with my husband. For so many reasons, the relationship is bad, has been from 6 months in (we're in year 12). He's an alcoholic, mentally/verbally abusive, OP, my wife was in your shoes about 3 years ago. I was not alcoholic or a bad husband. Yes I definitely own my share of the blame for bad marriage. You have 4 choices.... 1) Continue status quo.....Bad idea. You will experiences the ups and downs and possibly gets worse at times but you could end up staying together for rest of your lives 2) You have an affair - (I know you are not planning on i am just saying). Everyone looses. May get better depending on the post affair plan but there is no guarantee. AVOID at all costs. 3) You change. You take the lead. Unfortunately this is easier said than done. They say people never change unless they experience a life changing event. I don't know if I totally believe that. Let me put it this way. In your case it is easier for you to change than your husband because you recongnize/acknowledge the issues. And to me that is the first step for Change. As part of that change, you tell him the abuse has to stop. 4) You divorce him. Cant advice you there Note: I have not listed MC as an option. Unless both are completely into it, it almost never works. What is it going to be ? Edited October 16, 2009 by 65tr6
theBrokenMuse Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I think your husband may feel like nothing he ever does is good enough so he stopped trying. I hope this doesn't come off as rude as it's not intended to but, I am curious to know where you came to this conclusion from given what was written in the OPs post. As I read what you wrote I got so perplexed that I had to double check the OP's post to see if I missed anything but I don't think I did.
Lizzie60 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Hi: Just a general question, may be longish... As a woman in a bad marriage/situation, I have found myself completely out of love with my husband. For so many reasons, the relationship is bad, has been from 6 months in (we're in year 12). He's an alcoholic, mentally/verbally abusive, I'm always walking on egg shells around him. He claims I'm always the one causing the problems, being a bitch, etc. We moved far from home in year one of our marriage, my father was diagnosed with cancer and subsequently passed, not much money, lots of tough stuff going on. hubby began drinking and it was downhill from there. There was lots of neglect, mind games, etc. All blamed on me, of course. My question is, for those of you who have been in a similar situation, how long was it before you realized you just didn't care anymore. That you just didn't love your partner anymore? And how did you move on? Or did you? Everyone (family, friends) wants me to dump my husband, I'm ready to. we have a family member living with us, and that person would be displaced by our breaking up. No intimacy in nearly seven weeks, when he was "all about" it before. His sole way of connecting with me. Thanks in advance for your insight. My advice: do yourself a big favour in life.. divorce him... you will be more happy... your kids will be happier.. they live with an alcoholic dad.. I really don,t see what he could bring as a role model for these kids.. it's not good. I was 6 years in the relationship...when I finally realized that I didn't love him anymore.. it took me another 12 years to leave... but I have absolutely NO regrets.. except that I should have done it before.. when my son was really young.. my son was 12.. and IMO.. pre-teens are the worst years for kids to go through a divorce (separation)... Good luck... and know it's not easy.. btdt.. but you'll see how happier you'll be after...
hopeful1980 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I hope this doesn't come off as rude as it's not intended to but, I am curious to know where you came to this conclusion from given what was written in the OPs post. As I read what you wrote I got so perplexed that I had to double check the OP's post to see if I missed anything but I don't think I did. I have just been through something similar and suspect that is how he MAY be feeling. If she doesn't respect him because of the things he is doing, I suspect he doesn't feel good enough and thus continues the bad behavior. It's what happened to me. The OPs post is very familiar to me unfortunately.
hopeful1980 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 My advice: do yourself a big favour in life.. divorce him... you will be more happy... your kids will be happier.. they live with an alcoholic dad.. I really don,t see what he could bring as a role model for these kids.. it's not good. I was 6 years in the relationship...when I finally realized that I didn't love him anymore.. it took me another 12 years to leave... but I have absolutely NO regrets.. except that I should have done it before.. when my son was really young.. my son was 12.. and IMO.. pre-teens are the worst years for kids to go through a divorce (separation)... Good luck... and know it's not easy.. btdt.. but you'll see how happier you'll be after... My father was a drug addict and an alcoholic for years. My mom stayed with him and now he's been clean over 20 years. I'm not saying this is the case with everyone, but I'm glad she stayed and I'm happy to have had my dad to grow up with - alcoholic or not. I'm just saying.
Lizzie60 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Good for you.. because I grew up with an alcoholic dad... and I wish my mother would have kick his sorry butt to the curb.. he wasn't much of a role model for any of us.. just saying.. I despise alcoholics...
Author beanzmom Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 I have no desire to change for him. I have already changed too much. I have taken on the burden of raising the kids, working 10 hours per day, house work, etc. just to keep him from complaining about how stressed out he is and has soooo much to do. I have no time to myself short of going to the grocery store. I am a shadow of my former self. I used to be happy, carefree, playful. Now I can barely manage a smile. And that's on a good day. Hubby is self-centered, emotionally/verbally abusive and rude. He convinced me to give up all my friends by making them out to be idiots. I lost so many good friends and was completely alone in the world, save for him and the kids. I have changed that, got back in touch with some old friends and am slightly more happy, but he has nasty comments about my friends all the time. I tune him out, for my own sanity. I know I need to change my life. Divorce is the only option. He promised me he would quit drinking "for the kids", which lasted a month until Sam Adams' Octoberfest beer came out. He's had four cases in about two weeks' time. Not as much as he used to drink, but it's still a LOT of beer to drink by himself. I grew up in an alcoholic family. Maternal grandfather, father, mother, all were alcoholics. When I married hubby, he wasn't. Now, well, it's another story.
Author beanzmom Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 Oh, and what does hubby do when I'm doing all this? working part time (three days per week) and going to school. sad, really. And he complains about how his life is a prison. If it's so much of a prison, I can give him the key...
NowhereToHide Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I have no desire to change for him. I have already changed too much. I have taken on the burden of raising the kids, working 10 hours per day, house work, etc. just to keep him from complaining about how stressed out he is and has soooo much to do. I have no time to myself short of going to the grocery store. I am a shadow of my former self. I used to be happy, carefree, playful. Now I can barely manage a smile. And that's on a good day. Hubby is self-centered, emotionally/verbally abusive and rude. He convinced me to give up all my friends by making them out to be idiots. I lost so many good friends and was completely alone in the world, save for him and the kids. I have changed that, got back in touch with some old friends and am slightly more happy, but he has nasty comments about my friends all the time. I tune him out, for my own sanity. I know I need to change my life. Divorce is the only option. He promised me he would quit drinking "for the kids", which lasted a month until Sam Adams' Octoberfest beer came out. He's had four cases in about two weeks' time. Not as much as he used to drink, but it's still a LOT of beer to drink by himself. I grew up in an alcoholic family. Maternal grandfather, father, mother, all were alcoholics. When I married hubby, he wasn't. Now, well, it's another story. You have your answer already. I'm not sure what you're looking for -- do you want someone to tell you to stay?
Fallen Angel Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I was 15 years into my marriage with a mentally/physically abusive drug addict/alcoholic when I finally had enough, and left. I really had tried everything. I gave up trying somewhere around year six or seven, then tried again in year 13. I started an EA with My MM in year 14, but really tried again several times during year 14 and 15... til the day I saw my son pull his fist back at my daughter and my daughter threw her arms up over her head and slid down the wall to protect herself. I saw that day what my kids saw everyday of thier lives. I went to work that day and never went back. I moved with my children half way across the country, and started over with nothing. It has been a huge struggle. Emotionally and finacially. I left behind all my friends, and my children moved from the only town they had ever lived in. We came to a place where we didn't know anyone. I now have one VERY good friend here, and my children have tons. The childrens' grades have vastly improved, and they are happy. I have asked them over the last 18 months since we moved here if they are happy, and they say they are, more than they have ever been before. My 11 yr old daughter said, "I miss daddy, but now YOU are finally happy mom. I never knew how pretty your laugh was when we lived with daddy. I am glad we moved, we are all happier now." Don't let people convince you to stay miserable for your children.. sometimes, divorce is what is best for THEM too. Do what is right for you, in finding your own joy you will only become a better mother, and a healthier soul. Good Luck!!
Author beanzmom Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Thanks for sharing your story, Angel. And congratulations on making a better life for yourself and your kids. I know what I need to do, I just need to get up off my butt and do it. I just need, I guess, to hear it from others that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm 38 and feeling as if my chances for starting over and being happy are dwindling away. And yet I stay. Why? I guess the only answer I can come up with is that I'm tired. And scared. More scared, I think, than anything else. It's hard to tear the kids away from daily interaction with their father, whom they seem to love, and into a life of uncertainty. Financially it will be tight, but I think I can do it. Raises are coming at work in July and I'm up for a promotion. So with those two things we will be just fine. Without them, we will be okay. Hubby and I don't talk, it's very quiet between us. When we do talk, it's quick snippets of conversation, 100% about the kids. Hubby said last "talk" we had that I was the reason he strayed. I didn't "put out" enough and he had to make me ugly in his eyes so that he wouldn't be constantly aroused. HUH? In marriage counseling we talked about this continually and I kept telling him that I needed a bit of affection other than sex. I needed to feel appreciated, worthwhile, even adored sometimes. That goes a LONG way towards rebuilding a depleted libido and reduced self-esteem. A few years back I went through depression and he turned his back on me during my darkest days. But I came through by myself (no meds, just counseling and a LOT of work myself) and I'm better for it. But I let myself go, gained a bit of weight and don't take as much pride in my appearance as I used to. I told him with a little bit of attention from him, other than sex (even a simple hug without the implied request for sex), I would make a turn towards the person I used to be. Feel better about myself and sexy again. I made his life comfortable and he rarely wanted for anything. I run our daughter around to her classes and practices, I shuttled her back and forth when she was with my sister in law for daycare. I clean, cook, do dishes, pay bills, handle his financial aid and other paperwork for school. I listen to his ranting, I care for the kids. I do laundry, the list goes on and on. He works three days per week, goes to school two days. Takes the garbage out and plays with the kids and his incessant attention to computer games. Basically, he's mcDad... all the fun and frivolity, none of the substance. For example, I was trying to make dinner and my 3 year old had a meltdown. He was on the computer. I had a pot of potatoes in my hand and a screaming preschooler in my arms. Hubby was on the computer, playing games. Instead of coming and helping, he just yelled at the baby to stop crying. BIG HELP! eventually his aunt (who lives with us...another story entirely) came out and took him so I could finish dinner without burning myself. Then hubby had the nerve to yell at ME for calling him on not helping. So basically, he does very little around the house (save for a few larger projects, on which he rides for about 6 months saying "I DID XYZ". yeah. So all this stuff on my shoulders does NOT make for a high libido. I have to be a worthwhile employee at work, Mommy the minute I walk through the door, cook, maid, accountant, etc. etc. etc. Hubby gives me NO affection unless he's "getting some". And even then it's fleeting. He says I'm too much of a beyotch, always walking around with a scowl on my face. I'm freaking EXHAUSTED and can't be anything else to anyone, especially a sexy wife. Something has to give. I already don't do anything for myself, including haircuts and clothes. Last haircut I had was last November and I can't tell you the last time I bought myself clothes. So what has to give? And his drinking REALLY puts a damper on it, as well. The smell of alcohol seriously makes me ill. So try and get close to that... sigh. So because of my not wanting to put out and carrying WAY too much on my shoulders, he decides he needs more and tries to solicit a piece from someone else. I've caught him three times, first time when my oldest was three. I just don't care anymore. Seriously, if anyone should be having an affair, it's me! But I don't have the time!!!!! LOL!!!!! Thanks for reading my incessant ramblings. I guess I just need to vent.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Beanzmon, wow you're a trooper for putting up with as much as you have. I'm not usually one to advocate divorce, but it sounds like you have done as much as you can, and now the ball is in his court. You can't change him , only the way you deal with him and if you have done enough and can't give anymore, it is time to give him an unltimatum...a real one. tell him you are going to seperate, and if things don't change on HIS end within xxx time, divorce him... and mean it. Some posters say that words whipser and actions shout, and it is true. Right now you are talking without action to back it up. BTW, that Sam Adams Octoberfest is good beer,.......
Author beanzmom Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Hi Jimminy: Thanks. And you are right. Sam Adams Octoberfest is a good beer... LOL! His actions DO speak louder than words. He used to do 50% of the work in the household. Then I found myself picking up this duty, this chore, this bill. Before I knew it I was doing it all. His mother is this way...she stays married to her azzhat husband (they live apart, she with her daughter and he in the house my husband owns) because she is too lazy to divorce him. she lives off of other people and is the laziest person I know. she was an alcoholic as well, quit when she landed in ICU with bleeding stomach ulcers and nearly bled to death. I didn't think hubby was this way until I sat back and said, wow, he's just like his family! His sister is the same way, not making a life for herself and living off of boyfriends, ex husband, etc. She started at least three careers for herself (always going back to school) but never sticking with one. mmmm sounds familiar. both my hubby and his sister dropped out of high school, though both are very intelligent.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Beanzmom there is no doubt that people copy a large part of their adult behavior based on their parents, since it is how they learned to deal with life as a child. Now I am sure that some people who grow up with "outstanding'' role models such as your inlaws can and have changed, but it won't be through anything you say, just by things that you do. Good luck.
2sunny Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 (edited) women in love? how long do you wait? i wait no longer for life to be decent on a daily basis... life's too short. if it doesn't make me happy - i change it. if i were you - he'd be gone. i can't see any reason to continue on with things this way - so it's up to you to change it enough so that it begins to look better. that will normally start with telling him to leave. whether or not HE chooses to stop drinking is HIS decision. if and when he does, things MAY change... but your happiness should be dependent upon that or him. btw, most people don't quit drinking until they have realized that they made it so bad for themselves that they have a reason to consider giving up something they think they can't live without. the longer he stays "comfortable" the more reason not to quit. either way, take care of you... today. best wishes for your happiness. Edited October 20, 2009 by 2sunny
Author beanzmom Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Hubby did quit drinking, for a month. He promised me that he would "never again touch a drop of alcohol for the kids' sake". That lasted a solid month. He told me he would need for me to have sex whenever and wherever he wanted to that he could alleviate the stress he was under that booze usually took care of. Urm, no. I told him I'd meet him halfway, that drinking was about 90% of my problem with him. Thinking, foolishly, that he would straighten up and go back to what he was before. Urm, no. He was miserable. He yelled, stomped his feet, carried on like a 6 year old every time something small happened that he didn't like. He switched to O'Doul's, which isn't exactly quitting drinking. Just replacing with a placebo. after a month he went right back. He's down to a case to a case and a half a week, which is better than the case and fifth every other day he WAS drinking. But things are still NOT good. Hubby told me that I push him too hard. I am constantly pushing him to make more money (YEAH, azzhat, we aren't able to make the bills, what makes you think the money is just going to freaking APPEAR????) and to, urm, get ahead in life. To go back to school and do better. Wow. I'm too demanding because I remind my husband, who is supposed to be a partner in all this, that we don't have any money (literally have less than $500 per month left after bills are paid for gas and food and essentials...and we live in an older house that is in dire need of a new roof and windows and wiring). so his main complaints are: 1. I don't put out as much as he demands 2. He shouldn't have to work to provide 3. he shouldn't have to work to better himself (fine example for our kids!) 4. I am a bitch. Yippee!!!!!!!
Author beanzmom Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Again, mr. I can't Live Without Sex hasn't bothered me in seven weeks. Will be eight on Saturday. I really wonder if he found someone or if he is just so ruined that he's not even interested in sex. Find the first thought more possible than the second...
2sunny Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 so his main complaints are: 1. I don't put out as much as he demands 2. He shouldn't have to work to provide 3. he shouldn't have to work to better himself (fine example for our kids!) 4. I am a bitch. so what do you plan to do about this? sit there and take it - or get busy being happier on your own? ps. doesn't seem that he's all too concerned about what you might need for happiness. does that seem one sided to only me?
Author beanzmom Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 It's very one-sided. I guess what it boils down to is that I'm scared. He has a horrible temper and I'm afraid he's going to go off. I've seen him go off a few times during our marriage and I was afraid for my safety. He breaks things routinely because he's pissed off. I've seen him punch himself in the head when he was pissed off. I'm also afraid that he will try and take the kids. I've built a case against him (porn addiction, cheating, alcoholism) but who's to stop him from kidnapping the kids? He has nothing to lose if I leave. I know what I need to do. I"m here just for the moral support. The more folks I hear from that say I'm doing the right thing, the better I feel. Honestly. I wish I could have one final event where I could say ENOUGH!!!!! Walking in on him with another woman, him blowing up at me, etc...
JumpinJimmy Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Well BM, this is starting to sound a little scary. Based on what you have last posted, you sound like the victim of an abusive husband. First of all do not leave the marital home until you talk to a lawyer. There are all kinds of legal/custody issues that vary from state to state about what may be considered "abandonment"..... if you leave, it may be legally interpreted as that. It sounds like you need to get in touch with a battered spouse hotline to help you with the next steps. Perhaps some other posters here have some more info...Do you have any close male relatives that your husband would behave himself in front of? Use them, most men will protect a woman that they see threatened by a man, spouse or otherwise. You also can always call the police if he starts going on a rage. As far as taking the kids, it is unlikely unless you leave then there with him. Even though we are in modern times, the child custody laws still favor the mother, particuliarly if they are younger. Protect yourself, but do not let fear of him keep you in an abusive relationship...your kids will be better off.
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