DolceVenganza Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I'm 29; My gf (possible Xgf) is 25. We met at 25 and 21 in 2005. She was in college during her Junior Year; I had already been working as a self-employed business partner for 3 years. Every since 2007, our relationship has been non-stop fighting. Even before that we had some minor and major bouts of battling at company events, my apartment, and eventually in 2007 it became a more regular thing once she moved to her place. If I remember correctly, our first fight occured as I was driving to visit some family she had not yet met. It was around 830pm and we had taken some time to get going. I mentioned about picking up a pizza for us to eat. That was when she got very reticent about going and put her foot down saying it "was rude to show up that time and not bring food for everyone." It was a dumb fight overall and we never ended up making it to my aunt's - it actually kick started the first break we had in a series of 3 or 4. I am posting because even after the rollercoast I have ridden, I cannot let things go, end them, move on, or even see a light to the end of our fighting. I have always deeply felt it was 'her' starting the fights - being too controlling, too immature, too melodramatic, too unfair - rather than me. Has anyone ever been part of such a situation? As this is my longest relationship, but certainly not my first, I cannot remember how things were in the past (not that they matter). My brain has my occupied with this situation forever. While other's are getting married and joyfully moving in together (although I know alot of people divorcing around 30 or soon thereafter), we have been in PAUSE. She's the kind of girl who loves sex. The kind of girl who makes dinner, puts out appetizers, makes food for family parties, always dresses classy but is super sexy underneath it all, is very motivated and driven, knows how to make little and big moments special, and is very passionate, emotional, and sensitive. I always laugh with her (when we aren't fighting). I have tried to stop the FIGHT TRAIN; as I told her long ago, once this snowball begins rolling, it won't stop and it will unravel our relationship. I was right. Fighting became a better habit to maintain than exercise or even love. As recently as the last 2 weeks when we attended a wedding, the whole event was lost to us because we spent it fighting. At one point she grabbed my face, dragged her nails across it leaving red lines visible to everyone, and was generally pissed at me. A few days later, while trying to smooth this over, she blew up at me for even mentioning the fact that might friend K had invited me up to visit about an hour away, and was upset because she thought we were hanging out. ----------------------------- When I met her, I didn't even really like her. I fell for her slowly, waiting to ferrit out who she was. Because she' 5'9" and dresses more conservative, her ultra hot body was not visible to me. On top of that, her personality was kept in check until about a year when we began to really seriously date. We certainly felt each other out for a long period of time before we jumped into a relationship and the sailing was smooth until about 2 years in. Alot of our battles came while drinking or about it. At 25, I was tired of the bar scene, wanted to focus on fitness, and save more money for a home and to invest. At 21, she didn't really want. She wanted to be out on dates each week or having drinks at home whenever she was lazing about. To this day, she'll drink a bottle of wine in a night while watching tv, which I do think is too much for casual drinking. Those battles, though, were never smoothed over by her. She never really truly apologized from the fight, either immediately after it or soon after it. Most of the time, I began building up a vault of pain, noticing that she really didn't take responsibility for her behavior. Often this lead to me burst out or being a complete dick when she attacked me, either verbally or physically. I write this because I'm so confused as to what the hell happened...why am I so STUCK on this girl...and what, if anything, can I do? The story of our relationship is a sad one because it had/has so much potential, but we got derailed so long ago that the pains and fighting compounded to where we would have to hit the reset button or just be done. At 25, she's worried about not being married soon and all the fun she missed out on the last 2 years while she was fighting with me. At 29, I am worried about turning 30 and all the baggage I carry. I also worry that there's alot wrong with me that I don't know that may have contributed to this blowing apart. I've long felt it was just she was who she was and she's not changing, including her immature, passionate, compulsive, impatient nature that leads to her turning on me. She has told me repeatedly, 'she just wants to know her guy comes home to her,' which is broken down to mean that she wants to be living with a guy, on a plan, know where he's at at all times, and know when she will see him. She wants to know that 1 weekend day/week she has plans with him, and the other day is for them to do whatever they want. She's definately hot enough that nearly any guy will just accept the BS that comes with it, and she has enough of the personality stuff in order to where most guys would marry her, as she is very much the wifey or settled type; she just expects her boyfriends to be like her father and a husband. I've dated girls as equally 'hot' as her, but lacking in the other personality department. But I bring that up because through out relationship old flames tried to get back at her. I also bring that up because I do think she made glaring mistakes that she will NEVER realize she made simply because guys will look past them for her looks. X's and even guys who tried pulling her away from me would give her a false sense of righteousness that never made her compassionate during one of our fights. ------------------------------------- I could go into detail about the fights, but as of now I will leave it there. I know i've done wrong, too. I've called her a bitch or dbag in the heated moment of our fighting; but normally only whe she's whipped out jerk, dickhead or *******. I've actually tried walking away to cooldown on fights and she flips out even more because she thinks I'm "walking out on her" and should stay and take her barrage. I have tried taking peaceful time in another room to cool down and stop escalating things, but she normally would persue me and keep going. I have tried fighting back, yelling, insulting, and even throwing logic into the situation, only to have her roll up and cry, and play the little girl card on me. We have had hotel front desks called on us because they could hear us yelling, rather than banging. We have canceled full plans simply because we began fighting on the way and couldn't go - normally, she 'didn't want to go' because she was a mess or 'didn't want to fake it.' We've both said it was over as a trump card to get the other to wake up, not realizing how relationship deteriorating it was. She has taken 3-4 breaks and on two of them at least been on dates, only to return to me. I've never actually acknowledged the break, nor been on any date since 2005. I was once a guy who was dating multiple girls at one time, now I have been reduced to pining over this once great girl, from a great family, who has an amazing personality, beauty, charm, and love - I just don't receive it. All people around her love her, particularly her family. They haven't seen the two times she called me a Piece of ****. Or the times she physically grabbed or slapped me just b/c she was angry over nothing. The moments she broke down crying and had panic attacks just to get me to stay at her place. The times she had a look of hatred in her face just because I brought up something she didn't agree with or like. The times I wanted to do my own thing and she founds ways to berate me, guilt me, or emotionally manipulate me. She has often used the "if you loved me or cared for me" card to get me to do things for her, saying "if you'd love me, you'd be here now" or cancel on friends. I feel like she's 2 people; one everyone else see's, and the one I'm dating. I'm smart enough to move on if that's all that I can do. Is there something else at work here? Is it me? Is it her? Is it us? Is she crazy? Maybe emotional issues or Bi-polar disorder? She was once very anorexic (although you'd never know it now looking at her) and her mom all but ignored the issue. To this day it is a sore about she has really only told me about. All of the girls in her family are thin and beautiful; my gf is now 140 at 5'8 or so. Very curvey, very voluptuous, very flat stomach, just a big butt and thighs. I don't know if her anorexia may hint at something else. I would probably have proposed years ago were we not as young and had we not had so many problems. I've really loved this girl and she's been my friend and lover for 4 years. As friends have gone off to get married, moved away, or just lost touch, she has been there. I can move on, if I must, but I just wanted clarity and closure. Thank you, DV
carhill Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Tell me, has anyone ever dumped her? How would you like to be the first? You're seeing reality but the fog of her subjective beauty is clouding it for you. Have you ever dated a non-hot, non-dramatic woman? Why? The answers lie within you. In life there is balance. No one is perfect. Apparently, for the world to perceive her as perfect, the balance falls upon you. You get the ugly side. Accept that. That is who she is. Acceptance is the path to freedom
Agoraphobianebula Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 One day she will grow older and her so called beauty will fade, then you will just be stuck with a bitch. You think you're miserable now? you just wait.
Recommended Posts