FeelingLonely98 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Here is the definition of a MLC - my stbxw had ALL of these traits: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Question: What is a Midlife Crisis? Answer: A midlife crisis is experienced between the ages of 40 and 60. (my stbxw is 47.) It was first identified by the psychologist Carl Jung and is a normal part of the maturing process. Most people will experience some form of emotional transition during that time of life. A transition that might cause you to take stock in where you are in life and make some needed adjustments to the way you live your life. Most seem to come through the process smoothly without making major life changes. For some, a midlife crisis is more complicated. It can be an uncomfortable time emotionally which can lead to depression and the need for psychotherapy. Those who have a hard time with this transitional stage might experience a range of feelings such as: Unhappiness with life and the lifestyle that may have provided them with happiness for many years. (Not too long - a few months - before she dropped the ILY but INILWY and I want a D bomb - we did many happy loving things.) Boredom with people and things that may have been of interest to them before. (She had been unemployed sinc APR so her days were filled with boredom.)Feeling a need for adventure and change. (My 47 yr. old stbxw says she felt "smothered" and wanted independence - Guess she found with her new 18 yr old BF!)Questioning the choices, they have made in their lives and the validity of decisions they made years before. (Mentioned she didn't know why she ever got married to me.)Confusion about who they are and where they are going. (Again, wants her independence and more "fun".)Anger at their spouse and blame for feeling tied down. (Mentioned that she felt smothered - always had to be home at a certain time, had do what I wanted, couldn't always have everything whe wanted, ETC. Mind you, I NEVER told her what to do, how to do it, when to do it, ... This was all in her head. I was a little conservative with money and wanted to assure we had a decent future and retirement nest egg - so I didn't always spend as she wished I would have. I've always made about 2x what she made. Also, see debt issues below!!)Unable to make decisions about where they want to go with their life. (Was not sure what her future would bring - just knew she wanted an apt., a D, and to be with her 18yr old BF - though she had NO money when she left 31 days ago to live with Mom.)Doubt that they ever loved their spouse and resentment over the marriage. (Though I know she loved me for 16 yrs. and for our 7yr. M, I do believe she has convinced herself tht fell out of love with me years ago. She mentioned she thinks she has been unhappy for a long time. OK, what 16 yr. relationship doesn't have some unhappy aspects to it? I had several unhappy issues about her - but I was nevertheless 1000% comitted to her and us. She just magnified a few issues and put the blame on those for what she did - to help her "justify" her actions and feel less guilty.)A desire for a new and passionate, intimate relationship. (Currently having a full blown A with her 18 yr old boy toy. )Most people who have a difficult time during midlife and go into crisis mode do so because of external factors. They may be experiencing stress in their life that makes the transition more difficult or they may have childhood issue that were never dealt with that come to the surface during this time. Some external factors that may cause this time in life to be problematic are: DEBT: It is easier to accumulate debt due to the availability of credit cards and loans. We are bombarded by credit card companies and it is easy to find yourself with large balances owed. We live in a society where it is commonplace to be living above our means. Finding yourself middle aged, in debt and facing retirement can add stress to an already stressful time in life. A normal reaction would be to seek help from a debt management company or consolidate your loans. A person who is finding it difficult emotionally during midlife might find it easier to walk away from their family in order to rid himself of what he feels is the cause of all the debt. (I found out 10 yrs. ago that stbxw brought brought about $20K in cc debts to the marriage - all while I had no debts other than the car and house. I got her to join a credit counseling service to start paying them off at a lower debt. She is still slowly paying them off and currently has about $6-7K new cc debt. Also, being unemployed for 6 mos. has given her increased stress though I told her MANY times that we can get by on my salary and her unemployment checks. )LOSS of a Loved One: The death of a parent or family member can cause grief, which is difficult enough to come to terms with, without having to also cope with the feelings of a midlife transition. Put the loss of a loved one with the feelings that accompany midlife and the whole process becomes bewildering and overwhelming. (Her Dad died less than a year ago after a couple years of terminal illness. I gave her ALL the money for all funeral expenses as she and her Mom had no money and would have to go into more debt. I had no problem doing this - that is what a good loving H does, right?)Avoidant Personality: If a person has a tendency to avoid conflict in their personal relationships, suffers from feelings of inadequacy, are emotionally distant and has low self – esteem they will find midlife transition harder to navigate. This personality type has a deep fear of feeling shame and rejection. Such feelings will keep them from seeking help should their emotions become overwhelming. More than likely, they will run from their problems instead of trying to find solutions to them. It’s this personality type that normal ends up in divorce court during midlife. (Well, that's what she "wants" - her D. I always encouraged her to talk and communicate when something was not right or she felt there was a problem. She never did unless it was a minimal superficial level. Never talked about a problem until 7 weeks ago when she SHOCKED me her I want a D speech.)Whether there are external factors that make the process more difficult or not, there is an internal process that is gone through. If a person lacks understanding of the process, he may find himself making irrational decisions he may later regret such as leaving a job, divorcing his spouse and throwing away the security that he built during the first part of his life. ( I think every star in the sky was in line to make stbxw make this jump. For example: If she had been working she probably would be home now and happy enough and in love with me. Maybe she would have had what they call a mid-life transition - but nothing that would cause her to want a D.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now, my stbxw is having the most textbook MLC ever apparently. What happens when she gets out of theis MLC hole? Or will possibly never get out of it? Sorry so long LS friends - just wanted to share. Would love to hear your thoughts. THANKS! PEACE!
JaneDoe35 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Sounds very like my husband, he is only 33 though....but had cancer a few years ago which changed him a lot. Today he tells me he is going to buy a motorbike????? Never been mentioned before... My response - 'That sounds like a good idea' What else could I say? Check my thread 'next' if you are interested, had first MC session today.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 That sounds like my STBXW. But she's 30. did your stbxw run off with an 18 yr old boy like my 47 yr old stbxw?
Auroracoladybug Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 My 32yr old STBXH fits many of these as well....no I don't know of anyone who has a spouse in MLC that went to a 18yr old FL98
TwoForgiving Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 My ex wanted a 25 year-old and thought she'd come running to him. What a let down when he found out she wouldn't even answer his calls after he moved out.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 My 32yr old STBXH fits many of these as well....no I don't know of anyone who has a spouse in MLC that went to a 18yr old FL98 That is why I feel my STBXW has fallen to the most severe and extreme MLC possible. Poor thing when her "perfect life" comes crashing down ... I truly feel sorry and bad for at this point.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 My ex wanted a 25 year-old and thought she'd come running to him. What a let down when he found out she wouldn't even answer his calls after he moved out. My 47 yr old STBXW ran in to this 18 yr old. that made her "feel good" (her words) and only THEN did she think about jumping ship and a few weeks later she dropped the TOTALLY unexpected bomb on me.
JaneDoe35 Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Hi FL, did you go on your night out yet? Or will that be tonight your time?
TwoForgiving Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 My 47 yr old STBXW ran in to this 18 yr old. that made her "feel good" (her words) and only THEN did she think about jumping ship and a few weeks later she dropped the TOTALLY unexpected bomb on me. Fortunately for me I found out while we were already in the process of ending. How he's doing today - who cares!
Tom81 Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Hell, I think my wife at 29 who I'm separated from right now is going through a MLC. She's freaked at 29 and has done a 180 on her life since separating from me.
tojaz Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 That sounds like my STBXW. But she's 30. Ditto for my ex, even the age.
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Yeah, that's how it usually happens but I dont want you guys to fall into despair about it! Find the person you was before then and live your life even if they do leave, most of the time they did you a favor by leaving you in the first place. even if you did everything right and then they still leave then they have issues you cant solve. And they would have made your life hell anyways.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 Hi FL, did you go on your night out yet? Or will that be tonight your time? Yep - Last night - see my thread in the "dating" forum. Though - please know that I am NOT considering "dating" at this point. Thanks for asking ...
sumdude Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 (edited) Life Crises can come at any time. I think for my x-wife it was a combo of realizing she couldn't have children at 36 and around the same time my mom was diagnosed than died from cancer. I didn't handle things terribly well either. We were both going through hard things at the same time. She took the route of changing everything in her life and leaving a smoking crater of what was. Found another man who already had a kid while we were still married so she could be at least be a stepmother I think. But I see now that was a pattern in her life. When we met she left her previous life completely behind. Looking back that should have been a big red flag. Heck, now I know I'm going through the MLC now. 42, parents both passed in the last 4 years and the divorce. Wondering where the he)) I fit in and what to do with myself sometimes. But I'll find my way. Funny thing is right now I'm living almost like I'm in my late 20's again, fun but tiring. Edited October 20, 2009 by sumdude
trippi1432 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Yeah, that's how it usually happens but I dont want you guys to fall into despair about it! Find the person you was before then and live your life even if they do leave, most of the time they did you a favor by leaving you in the first place. even if you did everything right and then they still leave then they have issues you cant solve. And they would have made your life hell anyways. Total agreement here!! Good post Barracuda....mine is 39 and thought he was better off without his family. More power to him and his bachelor life. If he ever does find that happy family....hope he knows his misery will ruin them all.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 STBXW (47 yrs. old) came over last night after work with a van to pick up her stuff. We talked some about the D paperwork first. We are going the non-lawyer, non-contested, no-alimony route. We did not finish and decided to meet again this weekend – if she can fit it into her social calendar!! UGH!!! She wanted nothing but her freedom and her “stuff” – i.e., her personal belongings. (40 large boxes worth – which I neatly packed) I loaded the van for her and told her I would go with her to unload it into the storage place. She kept saying she would take care of it – but I told her I didn’t want her to have to lift all of the stuff. S he kept wanting to rush things along apparently because her BF was waiting there for her for 2 hours. She did not bring her 18 yr. old BF to the house. Thank God. Not sure what I would have done. I was a little bad in that I did talk a little about how I was so disappointed in her for never giving us 1 chance and how she almost overnight replaced me with an 18 yr old OM. I said a few things that were not so nice – nothing terrible, but it was an emotional day for me. I apologized to her. I wish I had never spoke of anything but the business at hand – i.e., the van and the D paperwork. I did mostly control myself because of some of the advice given by some of my LS friends. I guess the next BIG day will be the D paper signing followed by the day in court when the judge declares the D final!!! When I am not seeing STBXW I seem to be okay, just when I am around her I get somewhat emotional and sentimental – still knowing that if she gave 100% to us after D-day we could be 1000% okay. But I am planning for my life without her now. Thanks!!!
trippi1432 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I know exactly how you feel, when you don't have to see them or talk to them, it is much easier to eventually forget about them. I had to talk to mine the other night and a horrible exchange of texts (which I documented on my thread) due to some drama over the weekend with our son. Yesterday, I met with the attorney to get the SA, CS and CC started, but H acted like I was bluffing on even having a lawyer....it seems so surreal, but I'm getting used to not having him around now, and after his lack of emotional support for his son this past weekend...all the better.
Zaragon Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 The funny thing is this 18 year old is just horny. I can't blame him, he's still a child. A few years down she'll be old and he'll be bored. She's going to feel crushed then when we just walks out. Irony.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 The funny thing is this 18 year old is just horny. I can't blame him, he's still a child. A few years down she'll be old and he'll be bored. She's going to feel crushed then when we just walks out. Irony. He is using her because she is spreading her legs for him as much as he wants AND she is using him because it makes her feel good and youthful and attractive , ...
Recommended Posts