Mr-T Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Hi, I found this site through google. I am having some problems and wondering if someone could help. I got married recently and things were going great, I recently changed job. Was a driver delivering cars, but now am a chef and working long long hours and weekends. My wife works Monday - Friday 9-5. This may seem like nothing but it feels like I am having no time with her at all. It hurts me a lot because we phisically never have a full day together and for that I am feeling the repocutions. I love her soooo very much and just lately I am feeling like she does not desire me anymore. I feel fruity quite a lot and it just seems like she doesnt. I know that she has a troubled past and that her sex drive is quite low. This makes me quite upset because I really want her and it seems like she does not feel the same way anymore. I have always had a very high sex drive and really feel like this is killing it. I dont feel I can talk to my wife about this because I dont want it to feel like I am just 'one track' and only wanting sex, I personally feel that she doesnt think I understand what her past was really like but as I was in a couple of bad relationships with people that have scarred me, and I do understand more than she knows. I really dont know what to do. I thought that I might be aboe to ride this out but it really is hurting too much at the moment. I think that my high pressure job and stress is getting the better of me.
hopeful1980 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I don't think you should assume your wife is no longer attracted to you. I know it may feel that way, but that's probably not the problem. I think you should talk to her about it and not assume what she's going to say or feel. It's worth a shot.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Mr-T, this is a tough one to address and not sound like a sex hound even though that is the declining part of the marriage that got your attention, as I am sure the lack of your presence is what she is noticing. Don't you think by giving her more of what she needs...ie attention, non sexual affection and appreciation..that in response she will give you more of what you need? It hurts me a lot because we phisically never have a full day together and for that I am feeling the repocutions. Does this mean that you guys spend the entire day in bed together? If so, your wife or you need to either start taking a day on the weekend off, find a different job, or realize that those days are becoming rare. From what you posted, it sounds like your opposite shifts are the main cause of your problems.
Author Mr-T Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 Does this mean that you guys spend the entire day in bed together? If so, your wife or you need to either start taking a day on the weekend off, find a different job, or realize that those days are becoming rare. From what you posted, it sounds like your opposite shifts are the main cause of your problems. We dont spend the whole day in bed, I acctually meant have a full day together where one of us has got to work. I do agree that it seems that its the shifts that cause the problems, although I do have a small feeling that its something a bit deeper than that. I get what your saying about giving more attention etc. But I honestly feel that I give all I can to her.
stuckinoz Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I feel fruity quite a lot and it just seems like she doesnt. I know that she has a troubled past and that her sex drive is quite low. This makes me quite upset because I really want her and it seems like she does not feel the same way anymore. I have always had a very high sex drive and really feel like this is killing it. 1st of all - You knew about her low sex drive going into the marriage 2nd - You need to talk to her. I have been married 29 years - So, I think I'm a little bit "smart" in this area. Marriages go thru ups & downs. Job changes, Kids, Mortgages, Schedules....It happens. It's all part of life. And, as rotten as it is - Somtimes LIFE just gets in the way of passion. My personal experience - Early on in our marriage I wasn't that interested in sex either. Then kids came along, took the sex drive about totally away! But, it came back. .... you claim she's never had it, so you may have to live with less than you "desire" for the sake of a marriage. Just have a chat with her. (If you're afraid to talk to her now about this - you have a very long road/marriage ahead) Plan DATE nights, or days if that's all you have. PLAN time together. Put it on your calendar & don't let anything take presidence over that time you've set aside. DATE her like you did before you were married. It might help.
quankanne Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 ditto the other folks – you need to talk to her about this. Assure her that you desire her company, but it seems like right now y'alls jobs are keeping you too busy to do that. DON'T push for sex, but give her that quality time she needs with you – hold her hand, hug her, snuggle, kiss her neck/cheek/hand/shoulder if you're passing through the room and she's in there. Believe me, those little things go a LONG way in reassuring her that you love her like no other. Words are good, actions are better, especially when they're from the heart like those little touches. Once she feels secure in that, she may feel more confident about addressing her low libido. meanwhile, I highly recommend borrowing or buying a copy of Gary Chapman's "The five languages of love." It's not a cure-all, but it tells of the different ways people express their love, and how to identify your partner's "language" so that you can build up those love-banks to ensure a successful relationship. I'm thinking that your wife understands that y'alls crazy work schedules aren't forever, and if you take time to acknowledge her presence with things like little touches or words that reinforce how you feel about her & why, she's going to understand that you have a very strong investment in your relationship. I know when my husband does those things, all thoughts of mutiny disappear
eeyore1981 Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 ditto the other folks – you need to talk to her about this. Assure her that you desire her company, but it seems like right now y'alls jobs are keeping you too busy to do that. DON'T push for sex, but give her that quality time she needs with you – hold her hand, hug her, snuggle, kiss her neck/cheek/hand/shoulder if you're passing through the room and she's in there. Believe me, those little things go a LONG way in reassuring her that you love her like no other. Words are good, actions are better, especially when they're from the heart like those little touches. Once she feels secure in that, she may feel more confident about addressing her low libido. meanwhile, I highly recommend borrowing or buying a copy of Gary Chapman's "The five languages of love." It's not a cure-all, but it tells of the different ways people express their love, and how to identify your partner's "language" so that you can build up those love-banks to ensure a successful relationship. I'm thinking that your wife understands that y'alls crazy work schedules aren't forever, and if you take time to acknowledge her presence with things like little touches or words that reinforce how you feel about her & why, she's going to understand that you have a very strong investment in your relationship. I know when my husband does those things, all thoughts of mutiny disappear I just had to butt into this thread to say RIGHT ON!!! When my H does these things, I melt. Touching me as he walks past, giving me a look and a smile, all those little things like that. It only costs a second or two here and there, but says so much to me.
mem11363 Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 The normal pattern in these situations goes like this: - You want her more then she wants you - You start to feel anxious and unloved - At that point you start reaching out to her more. With the best intentions in the world you start crowding her. You project more love, you try to spend more time together, you try harder - to get her to love you back. She feels crowded - and feeling crowded is a big turn off for her, her desire level drops and the cycle gets worse. You can break this - but it requires some determination and discipline. I just had to butt into this thread to say RIGHT ON!!! When my H does these things, I melt. Touching me as he walks past, giving me a look and a smile, all those little things like that. It only costs a second or two here and there, but says so much to me.
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