Author tnttim Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 Is one of the issues she has with the relationship that she feels you are too controlling? if so... Ask yourself if you may still be trying to control her actions but now in the 'homer' way. No, its controlling my emotions. I don't let my emotions control me anymore, I use my brain to decide, not my heart. Yes I used to be controlling, and let my emotions rule me. The puppy issue I had with her would have ended in a horrible fight if I never changed. I would have explained on end how the puppy was a bad idea, I would have gotten angry when she didn't listen, and I probably would have ended up going out to escape the fight with her. Instead I let her make the decision, she made the bed now she has to sleep in it. I said it was up to her, she knew I stood on another dog. I stayed home and dealt with her ignoring me the rest of the night. It was a lose lose situation, all I could do was lose a little less by staying out of it. We've been having the baby talk lately. I told her honestly that we need to work on this M first before we bring another life into this world. She agreed.
Author tnttim Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 and i say since you don't know the whole truth of what actually happened - there is still much more that you don't YET know that will need to be dealt with when the truth is revealed... stay strong. it's hard to put that happy face on when the truth trickles in little pieces at a time and it's certainly not healthy for you to play the deadly game of pretending to be happy with her. pretending is just the same as lying, just a different form. I was pretending to be happy when we were separated, not now. If I say I'm happy, I;m really happy. I'm in control of my emotions now, I don't think that's pretending. If I'm sad or angry I don't run and tell her, "hey I'm mad" I try to overcome it on my own. If she caused my sadness or anger, I first overcome it, then I tell her why I was mad or sad, but now I;m calm when I tell her. It doesn't end up in a huge fight because my emotions are in check. I still get to express my feelings, but my feelings are not dictating what I am saying to her.
floridapad Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Is one of the issues she has with the relationship that she feels you are too controlling? if so... Ask yourself if you may still be trying to control her actions but now in the 'homer' way. Sumdude, I can't speak for TNTtim but I can speak about the controllling and homerization regarding my situation. Homers philosophies regarding the agreeable part has helped ME immensely. If it helps stop the divorce great if not it is somethig I can take away. Actually, when a person is controlling (which many men are) and needs to be right, the Homer agreeable approach is actually quite liberating and "feels" great because you are NOT "trying" to control the situation. Your NOT trying to win an argument or state your case for things that are meaningless. Obviously there are boundairs to this (e.g I will vehemently disagree with her if she blames me and our marriage for her choice to have an affair). But generally speaking, I found his approach liberating for the exact reason that it has helped me to listen to my wife better and understand her point of view.
Author tnttim Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 and i say since you don't know the whole truth of what actually happened - there is still much more that you don't YET know that will need to be dealt with when the truth is revealed... stay strong. it's hard to put that happy face on when the truth trickles in little pieces at a time and it's certainly not healthy for you to play the deadly game of pretending to be happy with her. pretending is just the same as lying, just a different form. What truth does my W have to reveal to me. I am missing your point. I understand she has to be transparent, but what else does she have to say. My point is, what does knowing more about the A prevent a future A. I think knowing what caused the A is what stops a future A. Plus I can't make her change, I can only change myself.
2sunny Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 What truth does my W have to reveal to me. I am missing your point. I understand she has to be transparent, but what else does she have to say. My point is, what does knowing more about the A prevent a future A. I think knowing what caused the A is what stops a future A. Plus I can't make her change, I can only change myself. it's not so much what she may say - it's whether or not her actions show she is willing to find out why she cheated - and how to prevent it in the future. also her willingness to share all of that with you. counseling, being honest and open and up front about herself and her life now - being willing to repair what she has damaged. anything, everything possible to make sure the M is becoming a beautiful relationship for you.
Author tnttim Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 After 2 bad days in a row I was thinking the MC had to happen. I talked to my W and she said what I feel about MC. She said all MC does is let you talk about the M when you can't. I thought okay, lets have a MC session right now. I opened with why did you cross the line. She said it was exactly a conscience decision, it just happened. She said she was ready to leave me 2 years ago, but kept hoping I would change, and she didn't want to hurt the kids. She said the feelings manifested, and she grew distant from me. I said that I felt that. and I tried harder to get the M back on track. I tried by coming closer and talking more, didn't work though. She said she really knew she messed up bad, and feared I was gone forever. She said it made her think about a lot of the things she did to cause the break down. She said she needed to see an IC but not one that wants to pump her full of drugs. She admitted a lot of fault as I did too. We talked for 3 hours, and after it was done I felt a thousand times better. I think she did too. We both admitted we were scared that each would go back to their old ways, but the fear grew smaller and smaller everyday. she said she was happy when I quit drinking, even if we didn't get back together. We said we would always try to keep the communication avenues open between us. She said it was a lot easier now because she didn't feel like she was walking on eggshells, like she was for the last 5 years. The one thing I can tell LSers, ITS THE LITTLE THINGS THAT KILL A MARRIAGE.
Author tnttim Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 The W and I are going on the road, I'm a mover, to Boston and NYC. I'm thinking if we survive this trip without any pitfalls it shows how far we have come.
mikeymad Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 good luck, and remember; singing as loud as you can to the radio can only drown them out for so long
tryintomoveon Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Man I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I don't think you dumb for wanting to keep your family. Your scared I get it. That Ok. But she has no right to treat you that way. If she feels that she has to find someone else outside of the marriage to fulfill a void, then that what she will do. If she telling you to date then she has already had intimate feelings for this loser. Be strong my friend, for your children, yourself. Leave her for a while. See if she comes back to you, if not, then you lost her a long time ago. Good luck with life. Be strong
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