2sunny Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I think you are getting me and flight level confused. She hasn't been in constant contact w OM. We have slept together but that was after 6 dates and she initiated the sex. The OM sent her a message and she responded to it. She changed her phone # so there is no reason for contact. As for my NC on her. She shouldn't be talking to him period so I'm pulling away. She will call and text but I'm keeping it business till I feel better. So I guess its LC instead but I won't be contacting her. I started last night and she rubbed my head as I fell asleep. rubbed your head? wow, i wouldn't allow any contact - physical or mental if my spouse was continuing to betray me at every turn. she responded to her OM's email or text of some sort - THAT is contact... so is the contact she did after getting the new number...WTF? she lets him know no contact? why? there was NO reason and she did it. there must have been a reason for her. do you not see that? you are playing both sides of the coin and that is why she still plays these games with you. pick a side and stick with it. you either stay in the M and know she lies and cheats or you get her out so she realizes you won't put up with her lousy ways. pick one - you can't have bot, it will drive you crazy. every response has been in reference to your own words - if you choose to think i'm referring to someone else - i'm not. you haven't made her nearly as uncomfortable as she needs to be in order to be motivated for change. why are you so unwilling to have her move? she shows no remorse - only sorry she keeps getting caught. she hasn't been transparent with you at all - in fact she plays you as a fool. what more are you willing to do to make her uncomfortable?
hopesndreams Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I think you are getting me and flight level confused. She hasn't been in constant contact w OM. We have slept together but that was after 6 dates and she initiated the sex. The OM sent her a message and she responded to it. She changed her phone # so there is no reason for contact. As for my NC on her. She shouldn't be talking to him period so I'm pulling away. She will call and text but I'm keeping it business till I feel better. So I guess its LC instead but I won't be contacting her. I started last night and she rubbed my head as I fell asleep. Pulling away still? Aren't you exhausted yet? When will enough be enough? She has responded to the OM's text! She obviously can't decide what to do, so why don't you make the decision for her? Keep up with the games and the only thing it will accomplish is giving her more time to set things up and with the OM. And as for rubbing your head? She should be on the couch, alone. Alone, alone and alone. So should you.
2sunny Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Pulling away still? Aren't you exhausted yet? When will enough be enough? She has responded to the OM's text! She obviously can't decide what to do, so why don't you make the decision for her? Keep up with the games and the only thing it will accomplish is giving her more time to set things up and with the OM. And as for rubbing your head? She should be on the couch, alone. Alone, alone and alone. So should you. i still definitely think YOU are giving her mixed signals. your words (or silence) says one thing and your actions say another. you are confusing her. you say you're angry about her contact then you allow her to rub your head? what is with that? your actions tell her that if she pays attention to you in the slightest bit - you will go along with her bad behavior... all the while saying it's unacceptable. if you ACT mad - and follow through (words = actions) then show her that you have zero tolerance. throw her sad a$$ out and file for divorce. THEN she might get the hint that she's not doing enough to repair her side of the M. the longer you play this game the more she thinks you will settle for a little rub of the head while she does whatever she wants to. why are your actions looking so wimpy? i want to know...
Author tnttim Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 i still definitely think YOU are giving her mixed signals. your words (or silence) says one thing and your actions say another. you are confusing her. you say you're angry about her contact then you allow her to rub your head? what is with that? your actions tell her that if she pays attention to you in the slightest bit - you will go along with her bad behavior... all the while saying it's unacceptable. if you ACT mad - and follow through (words = actions) then show her that you have zero tolerance. Actually words only account for 4% of what we convey to the outside world, look it up. It should be actions>words. I can say I'm not punching you in the face while I'm punching you in the face, and you think the other person is going to believe me. You can say I'm going to change while still doing the same thing, which speaks louder, the action or the words. Yes what she is doing is unacceptable, but can my words change it, no, but my actions can and did. When did I ever convey that the second she gave me attention I was okay with her behavior. I think you missed the fact that by not expressing my emotions, by just pulling away a little, I got what I wanted, attention and her feeling guilty. Did I give her attention back, hell no. The rest of the next day I stayed in limited contact with her. Last night we talked, she said a lot of things that I will post on my thread, but my point is: When I pulled away, she came closer. Do you seriously think if I demanded she stopped talking to him I would have gotten that talk? I hope you not so disillusioned that you say yes. throw her sad a$$ out and file for divorce. THEN she might get the hint that she's not doing enough to repair her side of the M. the longer you play this game the more she thinks you will settle for a little rub of the head while she does whatever she wants to. why are your actions looking so wimpy? i want to know... Read my thread and you'll see my way got the results I was looking for, a heartfelt talk about the damage she has done. My actions are far from wimpy. A wimp can't control his emotions, a wimp can't get what he wants because he gets pushed around, and a wimp could never have accomplished what I have done. An alpha male does not let emotions doing the thinking for him, he uses his brain to think. An alpha male doesn't let people push him around, he stands firm. Only an alpha male can accomplish what I accomplished. Results speak for themselves.
Author tnttim Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 (edited) well Homer wins once again, I swear I while never doubt him again. So after much debate on what I should do about her messaging OM that's it's over, I took old faithful Homer approach. I stayed as far away mentally and physically from her as possible. I felt she was pulling away, so I pulled away too. While I was going to sleep she leaned over and rubbed my head, she thought I was asleep. The next day I went LC on her. She would text me and I would send back a vague response. When I got home she was on the couch, she look depressed. She kept asking me "do you love me?" I kept saying "you know I feel" She ended up demanding I sit next her while she rambled on and on about her emotions. I sat there and listened, just listened to what you had to say. I agreed with everything she said, no matter how outlandish. I knew my job was to be the rock, don't offer advise, no get angry, just listen and support her feelings. My daughter came down and broke up the conversation, wheeew. I went over to computer and she said "are you going to come in the bedroom and f*ck me now?" I just looked at her with a blank face. "she said come on your time is running out, maybe I'll finish before your even in there." Wow what the hell is going on I thought, then I thought about the power struggle game people play. Men use money and power, women use sex. So I didn't bite, even though I really wanted too. She went into the room alone and I decided to take a bath and let things cool down. When I came into our room, she was just sitting there, I knew she was depressed, she's bi-polar. She had every candle in the room lite, which meant she was wanting some sex, but I wasn't biting remember. I started reading my book, Under the Dome great book BTW, and she got pissed off. This is where I get what I wanted so pay attention, maybe you'll learn something. She told me that she had messed things up between us, she said the A ruined what we once had, and it changed me forever. She said that she was weak, and I was strong, she said the OM was a huge mistake, and she wished she could travel back in time and prevent it from happening. She said she was messed up in the head, and that she really needed me, I was the only one who understood her. After she let it all hang out I started joking with her, we talked and joked for 10 minutes. I leave out the gory details, but she ended up initiating sex with me, and it was the perfect end to a perfect night. She laid on my chest and professed how much she needed me, and how much she loved me. Now that's results kiddies. Go ahead Sunny point out my mistakes, I can't wait to hear what you have to say. Edited January 12, 2010 by tnttim
nobmagnet Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I say......................well done mate!!!! congratultions on your patience and strength. Nob xx
Author tnttim Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 I say......................well done mate!!!! congratultions on your patience and strength. Nob xx Thank you, and thank you for understanding my point.
Author tnttim Posted January 17, 2010 Author Posted January 17, 2010 Okay so I take family to IHOP for a nice Saturday dinner. We had fun, me joking and make kids and wife laugh. The kids want to go to the pet shop to look at the puppies. We go and they play with this pomeranian, and my wife gets that look, uh oh. She's dead set on buying it now. she keeps asking me for my opinion. I tell her it's her decision to make. She says, but you'll get mad at me. I say, the old me would, but the new me knows this is your decision and you have to live with the results of that decision. BTW the old me would have put my foot down, and explained all the bad points. Back to my story, so now she says I'm gonna have them run my credit. She qualifies for the loan. Now she says again, what do you think, should I get it. I tell her again, it's your decision. She asks, well can I affoard it, I say it's easy to figure out, how much do you make, how much do you owe. Then she starts picking out dog toys and dog bowls. I;m thinking, sh*t I'm going with a f***ing dog now. She tries one last time to get my input, and again I don't waver with my response. She relunctely put everything back and kissed the puppy goodbye. My 9 year old loses it and cries histeracly. My wife has a stoic look on her face for the next 2 hours. I can tell she is reeling inside once again. She starts to take it out on me, she was being short and non responsive. I'm thinking rubber band effect, she pulls away, then I pull away. She warms up a little, and we go to bed. Then at 2 am I get walk up by W laying on top of me, I'll leave out the rest.
hopesndreams Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 When are you going to take the bandaids off the wounds and let the air at them? When does the real work begin at repairing the M? It's only a matter of time before she gets bored with the phoney you and go back to the same old tricks. There is something within her that needs addressing for you both to recover.
2sunny Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 Okay so I take family to IHOP for a nice Saturday dinner. We had fun, me joking and make kids and wife laugh. The kids want to go to the pet shop to look at the puppies. We go and they play with this pomeranian, and my wife gets that look, uh oh. She's dead set on buying it now. she keeps asking me for my opinion. I tell her it's her decision to make. She says, but you'll get mad at me. I say, the old me would, but the new me knows this is your decision and you have to live with the results of that decision. BTW the old me would have put my foot down, and explained all the bad points. Back to my story, so now she says I'm gonna have them run my credit. She qualifies for the loan. Now she says again, what do you think, should I get it. I tell her again, it's your decision. She asks, well can I affoard it, I say it's easy to figure out, how much do you make, how much do you owe. Then she starts picking out dog toys and dog bowls. I;m thinking, sh*t I'm going with a f***ing dog now. She tries one last time to get my input, and again I don't waver with my response. She relunctely put everything back and kissed the puppy goodbye. My 9 year old loses it and cries histeracly. My wife has a stoic look on her face for the next 2 hours. I can tell she is reeling inside once again. She starts to take it out on me, she was being short and non responsive. I'm thinking rubber band effect, she pulls away, then I pull away. She warms up a little, and we go to bed. Then at 2 am I get walk up by W laying on top of me, I'll leave out the rest. i like the fact that things are changing - i just wonder if her 2am wake up call was to manipulate you into getting what she wants... a puppy!
Author tnttim Posted January 17, 2010 Author Posted January 17, 2010 Nob what I gain from impressing s bunch of people I don't know. The other poster what would be your idea for me to start healing. I thought that's what I was doing. Sunny thank you. Maybe it was a ploy but there's a better way to get a puppy.
nobmagnet Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 your attitude! Its really incredable!!!! wether its you writting or maybe just your sheer arogance...........either way! WTF she is human??? why play games, why make her geniflect???? its wrong, love or leave her. stop playing. aggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh Nob Cross Nob too
hopesndreams Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 You think you are healing, but from what I decipher from your posts, IMO, with the brave front and the no nonsense attitude bordering on cold, stone dead, you are grieving and you're afraid. What you have to realize is, what you have accomplished so far, is her staying put---for now. I read a previous post of yours where you stated you don't want to do MC because you are both so in love now. It's like being on your honeymoon again but you do know that those honeymoon feelings won't last for much longer, right? It will be back to the same old thing before long, even with the new "improved" you. She has already proven she is a cheater and has done no hard work to prove to you and to herself that she wouldn't be capable of going down that same path again. When will it be time to bring the issues to light? When do the charades stop and the real you, that is in hiding, comes back out? Don't lose yourself and what makes you, you. You have shouldered all the blame in this mess and that's unfair and untrue. You got this far, and that's great, but keep in mind, many of us here have been in the same position you are in right now. What is happening with you now is not what is considered reconciliation. You are on a tightrope. There's another fall coming and the drop will be more terrifying than the last. You are running on fear mode. This must stop. You both need MC, yesterday. If the OM is no longer in the picture of course and get some pronto before another OM, a different one, or perhaps the same one, rears its ugly head again.
floridapad Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 Agree with hopesndreams to a point regarding your W. Enjoy what you have now but your W will need to do more sometime in the future. For now she seems to have "come back". You may want to start figuring out her emotional needs. Homer is all about avoiding "love busters" which is great, but at some point, understanding her needs will be paramount. Create new memories with her. Different memories. Different experiences.
Author tnttim Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 You guys realize you are getting 1% of my life on here, right. I am very compasionate too, and very loving. I post what I think is relavant to my situation. About MC. Yes I realize it is important. The problem is I live on a tight budget, and I can affroad some MC, so I am waiting for the love we now have to subside. I feel our problems will then rear their heads, once the chemical called love is weakened. Then MC will be very effective. A also think she needs IC, I always thought she needed IC. She had a very hard childhood and suffers from bi-polar disorder. Her dad commited suicide when she 6 and her mom overdosed on my birthday. She needs help that I know I can't give her, but how to get her to do it. Telling her or commanding her never worked, any suggestions with that in mind will help.
floridapad Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Is your wife a reader? Perhaps you can leave "his needs her needs" right on the night stand? The thing my freind did a couple of times was to get books on tape, "five languages of love" and just listen to them when she was in the room. Sometimes she listened and other times she wanted to go to sleep and asked him to turn it down. He was listening tot he tapes for himself but sometimes she would eavsdrop. Just a thought.
Steadfast Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 With all due respects to everyone involved, I'm seeing little, if any useful advice gained on this topic. There's been good advice given, but not taken. Tim, only you really know what's happening in your marriage and it's yours to keep or leave. However, and again, the delivery is often childish, arrogant in nature and extremely repetitive. God help the poor soul looking for council or direction after stumbling onto this. If I was the moderator, I'd pull it. In parting, I should say that if the intent of 'Homerizing' your wife was to keep the sexual relationship going, then you've achieved success. It is clearly not a monogamous relationship; that is only in place when two loving people agree -and then- implement it. Judging by what I've read, booking the services of a good psychiatrist is top order for both of you.
Author tnttim Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 Oh no is steadfast stepping hard on me again. Listen dude you will not force me to change. Your constant attacks will not provoke me from posting, it actually makes me post more. Your laughable, unobtainable, idle threats while humerous do not scare me. Your a hater in its purest form. You see someone that succeeded at something you failed at and instead of figuring out how and why I did it. You just try to intimidate and stomp it out, hoping it just goes away. I bet this is the tactic you used with your wife and it failed. Instead of blaming yourself and actually admitting fault which is the first step in change, you keep doing the same thing. When are you going to learn anger and force leave you lonly. I truly pity you and the life you created. What are you still doing here anyway. Shouldn't you have moved on and found another woman by now. The thing you will never understand because you never accepted fault was this. Women like arrogant, stubborn, quirky, funny, happy, and confident men. So thanks for all the compliments and you thought the thank yous were for your advice. How narrowminded.
2sunny Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Oh no is steadfast stepping hard on me again. Listen dude you will not force me to change. Your constant attacks will not provoke me from posting, it actually makes me post more. Your laughable, unobtainable, idle threats while humerous do not scare me. Your a hater in its purest form. You see someone that succeeded at something you failed at and instead of figuring out how and why I did it. You just try to intimidate and stomp it out, hoping it just goes away. I bet this is the tactic you used with your wife and it failed. Instead of blaming yourself and actually admitting fault which is the first step in change, you keep doing the same thing. When are you going to learn anger and force leave you lonly. I truly pity you and the life you created. What are you still doing here anyway. Shouldn't you have moved on and found another woman by now. The thing you will never understand because you never accepted fault was this. Women like arrogant, stubborn, quirky, funny, happy, and confident men. So thanks for all the compliments and you thought the thank yous were for your advice. How narrowminded. don't be so quick to jump to conclusions and make assumptions Tim. i have found that most people posting here speak from their own "personal experience" which cannot be found in a book. for me, i advise folks like you based on MY experience. in my world - that looks like - H cheated at 10 years married... i forgave him, worked on the M (became everything HE wanted me to be in a perfect W) - only to have him cheat again ten years after that... poof - gone. see? so i have experience in both areas... what recovery might look like (albeit temporary - 10 years) and what it looks like to have a healthy boundary and still end up with a happy life - married or not!
sumdude Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Things do seem to be progressing for you a bit. The marriage itself is still in limbo for the moment. If she keeps moving towards you then at some point more work will have to be done by both of you to re cement the relationship. I'm gonna make a couple observations you may or may not not like. A couple snippets of your posts I found interesting, You can say I'm going to change while still doing the same thing, which speaks louder, the action or the words. Yes what she is doing is unacceptable, but can my words change it, no, but my actions can and did. She needs help that I know I can't give her, but how to get her to do it. Telling her or commanding her never worked, any suggestions with that in mind will help. Is one of the issues she has with the relationship that she feels you are too controlling? if so... Ask yourself if you may still be trying to control her actions but now in the 'homer' way.
hopesndreams Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Oh no is steadfast stepping hard on me again. Listen dude you will not force me to change. Your constant attacks will not provoke me from posting, it actually makes me post more. Your laughable, unobtainable, idle threats while humerous do not scare me. Your a hater in its purest form. You see someone that succeeded at something you failed at and instead of figuring out how and why I did it. You just try to intimidate and stomp it out, hoping it just goes away. I bet this is the tactic you used with your wife and it failed. Instead of blaming yourself and actually admitting fault which is the first step in change, you keep doing the same thing. When are you going to learn anger and force leave you lonly. I truly pity you and the life you created. What are you still doing here anyway. Shouldn't you have moved on and found another woman by now. The thing you will never understand because you never accepted fault was this. Women like arrogant, stubborn, quirky, funny, happy, and confident men. So thanks for all the compliments and you thought the thank yous were for your advice. How narrowminded. Your post made my blood boil. All the good advice given and it fell on deaf ears. Hopefully others reading your threads will see which way not to go after reading your venom.
Steadfast Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 This isn't always a happy place. Often, nerves and emotions are on edge. I admire Tim's attitude concerning his marriage and divorce in general, but considering the people visiting here and their open wounds the suggestions, advice and delivery may do more harm than good. I was well aware of his possible reaction and anticipated the complete lack of lucidity. Other than posted words we are all strangers, making assessments like these utterly meaningless.
sumdude Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I bet this is the tactic you used with your wife and it failed. I will leave this thread and your situation with this post. If verbal abuse (or textual abuse, if that's a word) are tactics you use they might work for a time but at what cost? It's a hollow victory. All the best in your journey through life.
2sunny Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 and i say since you don't know the whole truth of what actually happened - there is still much more that you don't YET know that will need to be dealt with when the truth is revealed... stay strong. it's hard to put that happy face on when the truth trickles in little pieces at a time and it's certainly not healthy for you to play the deadly game of pretending to be happy with her. pretending is just the same as lying, just a different form.
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