Author kirby Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 I don't see this as even an EA... this is more at the stage of heavy flirting... For me.. an EA is when there has been no sex.. but the APs have told each other how they feel... There are a manager at my work.. who constantly msn me.. who sends me 'tips' every chance he gets that he's attracted to me.. we chat.. we flirt a lot.. but it's never been any further.. lately he's been a lot more opened about his 'flirting'... Do I see this as an EA.. not at all.. it's heavy flirting.. with a chance that it could develop into an EA.. and eventually a PA.. but I have to agree with other posters.. the more you see this guy.. the more you're playing with fire.. simple as that.. I too feel that what is going on here is just flirting, albeit intense flirting. If it remains at that level, is there really any harm? I have male friends with whom I have lunch, drinks, etc. Why is this different as long as it remains non-physical? If his circumstances change, only then would there be a possibility for more. As long as we BOTH are in agreement that it must remain a "flirting friendship" and respect the boundaries, is it ok to maintain communication? As this is my first experience with this type of situation, I REALLY do appreciate the feedback and am seriously considering all your comments/advice. I don't want to be naive or foolish, but I also do not want to prematurely disseminate something unnnecessarily. Thanks for all your comments.
carhill Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 WWIU mirrors my perspective. If you're having conversations which you wouldn't feel comfortable with having in front of his wife, then it bears scrutiny and reflection on how appropriate it is. Enthusiastic sharing of common interests? Sure. Gushing about children and grandchildren? Absolutely. Stories about your mutual travels? Grab me a chair. Sexual innuendos? Compliments about physical appearance of a graphic nature? Sharing of personal histories and feelings about current relationships? Shaky ground. I did this, with no sexual flirtation at all, and our MC called it 'inappropriate and detrimental to our M' and I came to agree with him. It's not healthy. Of course, it is the married man who must come to this realization for himself. If not, he will just continue with someone else. That's OK, as long as it's not you. I'm happy you found you could once again experience feelings of connection. I love that. Find someone who's available to do it with. The alternative ending isn't so pleasant, as I've found out. Best wishes
tryagaintoday Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Thank you so much for your kind words. When i asked her to choose, (and the marriage counselor too) she stayed silent. When she finally did promise me she would break it off, she then called later and said she just couldn't do it. I packed my stuff, it KILLED me, and I couldnt look at her, I was ashamed at the new person she had become since meeting him. She got a new job about 2 months ago and that's when all the changes started. I've been gone for almost a week, she had me come back and then picked him again before, so this is all familiar. When she told me she wanted a divorce it killed me; we seriously had an AMAZING marriage. I did and will do anything and everything for her at the drop of a hat - and I proved it multiple times daily. Her and him are still talking according the phone calls, and maybe even playing house for all i know... all she wants to do now is bar hop and be with him. NOT the woman I married. She's 100% different in 2 months than she was in the whole 7 years I've married her... Dear Lord, Jason! Just change some numbers in your post and it becomes my situation. With my ex-fiancee for 13 years. She got a new job, had an EA for 6 mths. When I confront her, she initially wanted to end the EA then a week later come back and end it with me to be with the other man.
Angel1111 Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 I too feel that what is going on here is just flirting, albeit intense flirting. If it remains at that level, is there really any harm? I have male friends with whom I have lunch, drinks, etc. Why is this different as long as it remains non-physical? If his circumstances change, only then would there be a possibility for more. Just be sure that in 2 mos, you're not back on this site talking about the heartbreak of being in a relationship with a married man.
Author kirby Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 Just be sure that in 2 mos, you're not back on this site talking about the heartbreak of being in a relationship with a married man. I definitely have a lot to think about. I DO realize that it is a slippery slope when you share a mutual attraction with someone who is unavailable. However, I keep coming back to the same thought: what if he truly is sincere of heart and was headed towards divorce whether or not we ever met. But then I remember one post here that stated that he should be focusing his thoughts on repairing his relationship, and I am becoming a distraction. This struck a chord with me because he has recently been saying that I am very much on his mind. I know that could just be a line, but I am fairly intuitive, and I just don't believe he is disingenuous in his feelings. If that is the case, would I be partially responsible for the demise of his marriage even though nothing physical has taken place?
fooled once Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 So do you two say anything to each other that you would not say in front of his wife? If the answer is yes, then you have your answer.
Angel1111 Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 I definitely have a lot to think about. I DO realize that it is a slippery slope when you share a mutual attraction with someone who is unavailable. However, I keep coming back to the same thought: what if he truly is sincere of heart and was headed towards divorce whether or not we ever met. But then I remember one post here that stated that he should be focusing his thoughts on repairing his relationship, and I am becoming a distraction. This struck a chord with me because he has recently been saying that I am very much on his mind. I know that could just be a line, but I am fairly intuitive, and I just don't believe he is disingenuous in his feelings. If that is the case, would I be partially responsible for the demise of his marriage even though nothing physical has taken place? I don't think the demise of his marriage is relevant one way or another. That's his problem - and his wife's. If it's going to end, then so be it. The thing is, you'll be stepping into a big mess if you get involved with him before he's divorced. It will be enough of a mess if you get involved right after a divorce, but not as bad as before. Also, if you get involved before he's divorced, it will actually slow down or stop him from making a decision about divorcing because he'll then be dealing with feeling guilty about his actions. Guilt is a different driver altogether. Just stay away from married men. Period. When he divorces his wife, he can look you up.
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