Toki Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I posted this in the break up area, but realize now, it's probably better here. The short of it, it's been a bloody year since my breakup with my ex. I was the one that ended it, but the guilt and the circumstances for which I broke up with her, were in my opinion justifiable to me. I didn't so much dump her, as break up with right then and there without a warning six months after I proposed to her, and then went out and had a completely unsatisfying two week stint with a coworker. Then got back together for a bit, because she wanted too, already had a low opinion of myself, but it was more on a platonic level by that point, I just wasn't the same person, drinking heavily, lying through my teeth at every chance I got. I don't even know why, but if my blood would have ran any colder at that point, I would've been a corpse. Suffice it to say, I've since cleaned up, moved out of town, dropped all contact with her, started college, hammered out something of a patch work for a plan of "what I'm going to be doing for the next few years." And in general, kicking ass and taking names. So, I started dating another girl and things were going well at first, but when the whole trying to "open up" thing happened and I just panicked, and dropped contact with her. I realized I felt nothing for this person, not even lust, I mean she's good to talk with, and everything, but I just don't have any sort of emotional attachment that could possibly justify me seeing this person, without it being something that she didn't want. And now, the more I think about trying to date again, it suddenly feels like I'm right back to square one a year ago. I can't admit it to myself, but I loved and still to some extent love my ex with a passion. I just didn't realize how much, until after I pushed the self destruct button. I want to cry about the whole thing, and feel sad, angry, something...anything. But I don't, I'm completely emotionally numb, it's like I've been on autopilot for a whole year, when I decided to get my act straight, I just swallowed that heavy slab of misery and soldiered on. But it seems like I left a lot of me behind with her, I just can't connect with people on the most primitive of emotional levels anymore. What the hell am I doing? I need to get over her, forgive myself, and move on. But, I don't know what to do, for the first time in quite awhile I feel desperately lost. I don't want to wake up in twenty years, and realize I've accomplished many things in my life, and at the same time, have completely missed out on some of life's most vital aspects such as relationships. I'm ready to get off the ride, I just want to know how...
JaggedRoad Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Geeze... welcome to the club, I guess. I've been lost too this past year, and I just became more nihilistic when my ex broke up with me. I think what you are trying to look for is something to hold onto--something that gives life meaning. At least something that makes you meaningful so you feel "planted" in this world. You just have to find something that you love to do and try to make a career out of it. That's what I'm trying to do now. Best of luck. I hope you find what it is that you're looking for.
4givrnt4gtr Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Toki sounds to me like you didnt allow yourself to mourn the loss of your relationship. Sometimes we feel like we shouldnt waste any time being sad about a break up, we get up "shake it off" and keep on going, business as usual. Unfortunately, unless you REALLY didnt care about the person, this method doesnt work cuz, as it is your case, it comes back to bite you in the butt and doesnt allow you to connect with others. I would encourage you to think about your relationship, allow yourself to be sad, admit it and let the ugly feelings come up. ( I know ugly but necessary). You might not feel it right away, as you said you might just feel lost and confused, but eventually, when you allow yourself to let your guard down, the tears and the pain will be more available for you to deal with. After those come up write down every thought you have, including negative thoughts about yourself. Once you've calmed down come back and write reframing thoughts, or thoughts that sound more positive that what you originally wrote. This is as therapeutic as paying 100 per hour to a psych. Dont date anyone until this girl is completely out of your system. It is not fair to whomever you date. Good luck and even if it is a year...who cares, the point is that you now know you need to deal with it and thats whats important
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