Feelinthedark Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 I feel as if I am going crazy. I know that something has or is happening, but I can't prove it. He looks at me and swears that they are just friends and so forth. He promised that he wouldn't talk to her before, but he kept on anyway. Now, I don't think that they are talking. I think he is afraid of losing everything and has quieted down for a little while. He swears that they did not have an affair. I am not sure I believe it. What is worse? Knowing that your husband has had an affair or having him continually look you in the face and lie to you over and over again? I think both of them have happened here We have been in counseling also, and I thought things were going well. Now, I think it is just a lie. He is a great father and shows our kids lots of attention, but not as much to me.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 my AP and I kept on like this for a very long time. she always thought something...couldnt prove it. he convinced her i was a friend, i went along with it. the entire time we were in an affair. they too went to MC. he lied his way through that too. she always had her suspicions but tried her best to believe him.
Jenngi81 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I am going through this right now and I finally have apparently been told the truth and I felt a whole lot better once I finally realized that yes he has finally told me the truth. That was until today when I found out that when he went to meet one of his internet "friends" he brought my baby with him.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 his BW is also feeling better now that she knows the "truth." problem is this isnt the truth either. im disappointed in him. if youre going to come clean than come clean.
bentnotbroken Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 1)Lying and gas lighting, even after d-day 2)unprotected sex 3)involving my kids 4)screwing in my house
Author Feelinthedark Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 How does someone go to MC with your spouse and carry on an affair at the same time? Do you think he is kidding himself? How do you work at a marriage and lie at the same time? It makes no sense.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 exactly. and please trust that im not revealing these things to hurt anyone, part of me is very guilty and i think that women need to know what theyre up against. his admission of the affair was lies, when the story didnt add up he "came clean" with more lies.
PhoenixRise Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I think there comes a time when you have to stop trusting other people, even your spouse, more than you trust yourself. If you are so sure, but you don't have proof, trust yourself. Stop asking him for answers. If he is lying, he is going to continue to lie. Instead, pretend. Pretend that you believe him. Pretend that you are happy. Pretend that everything is ok. Then wait. Then get a keylogger for the computer. Get software that lets you intercept cell phone texts. Snoop. Hire a PI. If he is having an affair and he Does NOT want a divorce, or even if he DOES want a divorce at some point but right now it is in his interest to stay put....He Will Never Tell You The Truth. It is in his interest to make you feel like you are crazy. As long as you think you are crazy he gets to keep everything just the way he wants it. If you are not normally a suspicious or jealous person, but now you are afraid that your husband is cheating, then you know. Your fears did not just come out of nowhere.
skylarblue Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 He swears that they did not have an affair. I am not sure I believe it. What is worse? Knowing that your husband has had an affair or having him continually look you in the face and lie to you over and over again? I’ve thought about this exact question as if I was my MM’s W. She seems to be in the same situation of suspecting him and him lying for years. For the first 2 yrs she suspected nothing (or at least it seems). Third year she began making comments and questioning things, but not dragging it on. Past year and half she’s not only been questioning him repeatedly about everything she notices, but accusing him of having an A. Every time, no matter how right she is, he looks her straight in the face and tells her I don’t exist. For 5yrs!! I think the lying would be the worst for me. He lies to her so casually and convincingly. I don’t think he has any guilt at all. To know that my H wasn’t remorseful would be a horrible feeling. I couldn’t get past years of lying.
allhopelost Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 1)Lying and gas lighting, even after d-day 2)unprotected sex 3)involving my kids 4)screwing in my house Ditto on 1&2 - and for some reason - the thought of them doing oral sex is extremely bothersome... Them having sex in MY CAR
65tr6 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 (edited) How do you work at a marriage and lie at the same time? It makes no sense. You cannot. You are fooling yourself if you think you do. There is one way out of this...You snoop, find evidence, expose the affair. I believe the lies, deceit, dishonesty hurt more the affair itself. Edited October 16, 2009 by 65tr6
FreezorBurn Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 What husts the most? Knowing I will never know exectly what happend. Knowing I will never know if she is being completely truthfull. My wife was faced with lossing EVERYTHING, Her entire way of life was on the line, I'm not sure but i think I would have Lied my ass off if I was in her shoes. Polygraph Cost $400
bentnotbroken Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 He swears that they did not have an affair. I am not sure I believe it. What is worse? Knowing that your husband has had an affair or having him continually look you in the face and lie to you over and over again? I’ve thought about this exact question as if I was my MM’s W. She seems to be in the same situation of suspecting him and him lying for years. For the first 2 yrs she suspected nothing (or at least it seems). Third year she began making comments and questioning things, but not dragging it on. Past year and half she’s not only been questioning him repeatedly about everything she notices, but accusing him of having an A. Every time, no matter how right she is, he looks her straight in the face and tells her I don’t exist. For 5yrs!! I think the lying would be the worst for me. He lies to her so casually and convincingly. I don’t think he has any guilt at all. To know that my H wasn’t remorseful would be a horrible feeling. I couldn’t get past years of lying. Yet you have no problem being with some one who would do that to another human being. You know he is emotionally abusing her by lying to her face and you have continued with him for 5 years. You aid him in his abuse. WOW!
Dexter Morgan Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 what bothered me the most as an x-BS is that I was happy to stay home with the kids while she went out with "the girls" to blow off steam after a week. I thought I was being an understanding and great husband by agreeing to stay home so she could have fun. but hey, now she has a guy that won't let her go anywhere, doesn't want her to wear make up...very controlling...and has even hit her. karma IS a b!tch.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 exactly. and please trust that im not revealing these things to hurt anyone, part of me is very guilty and i think that women need to know what theyre up against. women need to know what they are up against? how about men needing to know what they are up against with women cut from your mold?
Athena Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Polygraph Cost $400 Keylogger on the computer ... $ 59.95 Polygraph to catch the lies ... $ 400.00 Divorce to finalize things ... $ 7000.00 Peace of Mind? ... Pricele$$ (for everything else there's Mastercard)
Fallen Angel Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Keylogger on the computer ... $ 59.95 Polygraph to catch the lies ... $ 400.00 Divorce to finalize things ... $ 7000.00 Peace of Mind? ... Pricele$$ (for everything else there's Mastercard) LMAO, and don't forget, he will probably end up paying for at least half of the MasterCard bill!
skylarblue Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Quote: Originally Posted by bentnotbroken Yet you have no problem being with some one who would do that to another human being. You know he is emotionally abusing her by lying to her face and you have continued with him for 5 years. You aid him in his abuse. WOW! I wouldn’t consider that emotional abuse. That’ll be like me saying she’s emotionally abusing him because she gained 60lbs and is forcing him to either have sex when he’s not physically attracted or abstain. She’s better off not knowing anyway. It’s not like he’s going to leave her.
bentnotbroken Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Quote: Originally Posted by bentnotbroken Yet you have no problem being with some one who would do that to another human being. You know he is emotionally abusing her by lying to her face and you have continued with him for 5 years. You aid him in his abuse. WOW! I wouldn’t consider that emotional abuse. That’ll be like me saying she’s emotionally abusing him because she gained 60lbs and is forcing him to either have sex when he’s not physically attracted or abstain. She’s better off not knowing anyway. It’s not like he’s going to leave her. Of course you wouldn't consider it emotional abuse. You don't doubt your own sanity or your own emotions. When you feel something is wrong and you go straight to the source and the source lies to you and places the blame squarely on you and making you feel as if you are doing something wrong by having doubts and being confused .....it is considered emotional abuse. You can't play with some one's security in themselves and their faith in their own judgement and call it anything other than what it is...abuse by an a-hole. And just a fact, she can't force his penis to get hard and him to insert it into her any more than you can. He has a mind of his own and he has chosen to be a lying, manipulating, walking, sad, sack of nothing....and you are good with that. It's so kind of you and he to decide what's better for her without her input. I would say that's about the most generous thing I have ever heard.
LifesontheUp Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 For me it was the lying, claiming she was his soulmate, his crutch and spending money we just didn't have. Also, I couldn't believe that the OW thought it was a game and that she had to "win" him. Like I said to her when she told me he was hers.....have him, he's a lying good for nothing *********. I don't want him, so go ahead and get on with it. I think I was so pi$$ed at that point that he brought this woman into my life. The best laugh I had though was when he found out I was seeing someone. He came up to me in work to ask about some more stuff he wanted from the house and asked me who I was seeing. I told him it was none of his business. He whined (and I honestly mean whined)........but I don't have anyone, I'm going to be on my own, you don't want me back, what am I going to do? To that I replied, sorry but he's my soulmate
Baroness67 Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 The lying to my face as if I didn't have the capacity to figure it out. The lying even AFTER I said I would put up with anything but dishonesty. I actually said, 'do you need to have an affair right now to stay in this marriage' and he still claims there is nothing going on. He's coming home from a business trip today. Three weeks ago I picked up his cell phone and it was actually an airline asking me to confirm the ticket he purchased for the OW. He said "she didn't have the money to attend the conference and I bought the ticket for her." But, he says he didn't know "where she was staying" or "what she'd be doing" and that he was going to be with "other people" from his office. (She works at another office, same building.) RIGHT. The lying bothers me because at this point I have even conditioned myself to accept this situation for the sake of our children and for the long term. Other marriages have faced far worse. I have stopped living in the fairy tale of my youth and have started realizing it's in my better interest to let him be an a** and work on not caring so much about it, than it is to have my pride and share custody of my kids. Let him have his cake and eat it, too. His plane just landed. I am absolutely certain they are sitting side by side in that plane, each in their "greener grass" that they do not have to mow. I'm here in my house with my kids - I spent the more worthwhile weekend.
bentnotbroken Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 The lying to my face as if I didn't have the capacity to figure it out. The lying even AFTER I said I would put up with anything but dishonesty. I actually said, 'do you need to have an affair right now to stay in this marriage' and he still claims there is nothing going on. He's coming home from a business trip today. Three weeks ago I picked up his cell phone and it was actually an airline asking me to confirm the ticket he purchased for the OW. He said "she didn't have the money to attend the conference and I bought the ticket for her." But, he says he didn't know "where she was staying" or "what she'd be doing" and that he was going to be with "other people" from his office. (She works at another office, same building.) RIGHT. The lying bothers me because at this point I have even conditioned myself to accept this situation for the sake of our children and for the long term. Other marriages have faced far worse. I have stopped living in the fairy tale of my youth and have started realizing it's in my better interest to let him be an a** and work on not caring so much about it, than it is to have my pride and share custody of my kids. Let him have his cake and eat it, too. His plane just landed. I am absolutely certain they are sitting side by side in that plane, each in their "greener grass" that they do not have to mow. I'm here in my house with my kids - I spent the more worthwhile weekend. Some of the green grass covers septic tanks and we all know what they are full of. I suspect you cheating spouse and the ow are full of the same thing.
JaneInVegas Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Two things bothered me more than anything else. Number one by far was never knowing the absolute truth, and never being able to sift the lies completely from the truth. The second thing was wondering if while he held her in his arms, did he tell her he loved her far more than he loved me.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Quote: Originally Posted by bentnotbroken Yet you have no problem being with some one who would do that to another human being. You know he is emotionally abusing her by lying to her face and you have continued with him for 5 years. You aid him in his abuse. WOW! I wouldn’t consider that emotional abuse. of course YOU wouldn't That’ll be like me saying she’s emotionally abusing him because she gained 60lbs and is forcing him to either have sex when he’s not physically attracted or abstain. no, it wouldn't be like you saying that because that analogy above is ridiculous
skylarblue Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Originally Posted by bentnotbroken You know he is emotionally abusing her by lying to her face and you have continued with him for 5 years. You aid him in his abuse. WOW! Originally Posted by skylarblue I wouldn’t consider that emotional abuse. That’ll be like me saying she’s emotionally abusing him because she gained 60lbs and is forcing him to either have sex when he’s not physically attracted or abstain. Originally Posted by dexter morgan no, it wouldn't be like you saying that because that analogy above is ridiculous Exactly my point, dexter. I was making a ridiculous (not personal) analogy to what I thought was a ridiculous statement in equating lying to a spouse as emotional abuse. I consider emotional abuse when you demean someone into losing their self-worth or –esteem. Not when a H lies to cover his ass, which is what the majority of them do.
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