marriedgirl Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 I've got a male married colleague at work who is really friendly and we usually find ourselves in the kitchen having really good chats. I'm also married, we've both got two kids and talk about our spouses during the conversation, which is usually about the weekend and things like that, always respectful with the body language signs. I really think he's gourgeous and imagine how life would be if I were with him but try not to show it to him. I've lost 2.5 stone in weight and I'm feeling great at the moment, proud of what I've achieved and feel great when he shows signs of interest. For a few months, he's been going over to my side of the office often, keeping eye contact and smiling broadly when walking back, some days we sort of meet coincidentaly about 20 times during the day, to the point that he says: We've seen a lot of each other today! More recently he came over to my desk to ask for something really easy to find. I started to look for the info he needed in my computer and he said: you are so organised! and lightly touched my shoulder. I froze and said thank you (I work long hours and was on my own)! the other day he came over to my side of the office (when I was the only one left there) looked at me and said, I'm only here because I'm checking if my parcel has arrived. Why did he need to justify it? is he scared of me? does he think I'm the one flirting? It was 5.30 in the afternoon and the post comes at 2,he's been working there for 10 years! Well... I can see the in-trays from where I am and work full time. There has been no parcel for days!!! I'm really enjoying it and have started to think about him outside work. Since the parcel thing he's completely disappeared from my site and looks shy when he sees me from a distance. I had counselling a few months back and mentioned these feelings to my counsellor, which shows this has been bothering me (the fact that I like it and probably reciprocate). Are we both acting like stupid teenagers? Nothing's been said or done, it's just assumptions. I love my husband and family and don't understand why this is happening. Two questions: has anyone got a clue why I'm enjoying it so much and do you think he's flirting with me? I'm going mad thinking about this situation (which is ficticious in a way) and the fact I'm cheating on my husband by thinking about another man... any advice would be appreciated.
Jaspe_Loco Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 I've got a male married colleague at work who is really friendly and we usually find ourselves in the kitchen having really good chats. I'm also married, we've both got two kids and talk about our spouses during the conversation, which is usually about the weekend and things like that, always respectful with the body language signs. I really think he's gourgeous and imagine how life would be if I were with him but try not to show it to him. I've lost 2.5 stone in weight and I'm feeling great at the moment, proud of what I've achieved and feel great when he shows signs of interest. For a few months, he's been going over to my side of the office often, keeping eye contact and smiling broadly when walking back, some days we sort of meet coincidentaly about 20 times during the day, to the point that he says: We've seen a lot of each other today! More recently he came over to my desk to ask for something really easy to find. I started to look for the info he needed in my computer and he said: you are so organised! and lightly touched my shoulder. I froze and said thank you (I work long hours and was on my own)! the other day he came over to my side of the office (when I was the only one left there) looked at me and said, I'm only here because I'm checking if my parcel has arrived. Why did he need to justify it? is he scared of me? does he think I'm the one flirting? It was 5.30 in the afternoon and the post comes at 2,he's been working there for 10 years! Well... I can see the in-trays from where I am and work full time. There has been no parcel for days!!! I'm really enjoying it and have started to think about him outside work. Since the parcel thing he's completely disappeared from my site and looks shy when he sees me from a distance. I had counselling a few months back and mentioned these feelings to my counsellor, which shows this has been bothering me (the fact that I like it and probably reciprocate). Are we both acting like stupid teenagers? Nothing's been said or done, it's just assumptions. I love my husband and family and don't understand why this is happening. Two questions: has anyone got a clue why I'm enjoying it so much and do you think he's flirting with me? I'm going mad thinking about this situation (which is ficticious in a way) and the fact I'm cheating on my husband by thinking about another man... any advice would be appreciated. I've been involved with a married co-worker (Kelly...I'm also married) for over three years now. I'm going to tell you from experience that you are playing with fire. As others on here will tell you, there is really no justification for cheating. I've been trying to do it for since I've met Kelly it just isn't possible. During the last three years, I've experienced pain unlike I've ever experienced before, but I've also experience love as well. We should have left each other alone and dealt with our marital problems before getting involved, but we didn't and it's been the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life and I'm 38 years old. If you want to talk more about this, I'll be glad to do so by PM. I really don't care to get flamed and I'm sure you don't either. If not, I advise you to think very carefully before you develop real feelings for this guy. Trust me, it will get a heck of a lot harder before it gets better. BTW: This is my story. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t205783/
TaraMaiden Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 (edited) What did your counsellor say? because I'm telling you, this is what is known as an EA....An emotional affair. And if you're not careful, it will develop into something more. You're loving it, because he's giving you something you're not getting from your husband. So watch it. Find out what that is, and focus on getting it back. Because it was there originally.... Edit note... You guys can't PM yet..... not enough posts, not enough time as members...... give it...oooh, say.... a month..... Edited October 15, 2009 by TaraMaiden it says so above
Author marriedgirl Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 Sorry to hear about what happened to you but thanks for saying that to me. I'm 35, he's 41, same age as my husband. We've got young kids (under 10) and life's been busy and tiring. The fact we spend too many hours at work doesn't help so I've thinking of talking to my husband about it. Just to try and share it before it gets to a point I can't handle it. I'm new to this site so apologies for any mistake in the way I've replied... I've been involved with a married co-worker (Kelly...I'm also married) for over three years now. I'm going to tell you from experience that you are playing with fire. As others on here will tell you, there is really no justification for cheating. I've been trying to do it for since I've met Kelly it just isn't possible. During the last three years, I've experienced pain unlike I've ever experienced before, but I've also experience love as well. We should have left each other alone and dealt with our marital problems before getting involved, but we didn't and it's been the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life and I'm 38 years old. If you want to talk more about this, I'll be glad to do so by PM. I really don't care to get flamed and I'm sure you don't either. If not, I advise you to think very carefully before you develop real feelings for this guy. Trust me, it will get a heck of a lot harder before it gets better. BTW: This is my story. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t205783/
Author marriedgirl Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 At the time my counsellor said that I should try and pray for him every time I thought about him (I'm a Christian). Well, it didn't work, he's just stuck to my head like my dirty little secret. I told my counsellor that it was getting more manageable, but it isn't!! My husband works long hours, we have a great time when we're together (on our own) which is a few hours during the week and he does so much to help with the kids and around the house. I feel awful doing this. May be I'm just feeling a bit lonely but life won't change just now. I don't know what PM is but I've chosen to join this forum to be totally annonymous as I'm ashamed of telling anyone about this. I'm even worried that my workmates will notice something soon. neither of you said whether you thought he is flirting with me... Am I being daft or is he really flirting? sometimes I think that I'm the one going mad... If I choose to talk to him about it he might say: you're totally out of your mind! I have never flirted with you... as I'd say if he confronted me one day. It's weird. Thanks Tara! What did your counsellor say? because I'm telling you, this is what is known as an EA....An emotional affair. And if you're not careful, it will develop into something more. You're loving it, because he's giving you something you're not getting from your husband. So watch it. Find out what that is, and focus on getting it back. Because it was there originally.... Edit note... You guys can't PM yet..... not enough posts, not enough time as members...... give it...oooh, say.... a month.....
Jaspe_Loco Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 It does appear that he is flirting/interested in you. As I said before, please be careful. Think about your relationship with your husband and if it's worth saving, devote your energy to your marriage. If it's not, let him go. It will be better all the way around. I've made some bad decisions and it has made things so much harder than it should have been. If you want to talk (I promise I'm not hitting on you and all discussions will be appropriate) you can email me. [email protected].
carhill Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 OP, perhaps notice how this man interacts with other women in your office and compare to your experience. Also, if he is friendly with you in full view of other colleagues, this would lend less credence to the interaction being flirtatious. There are a couple of regular LS female posters who have H's who have cheated on them and have shared that their H's don't 'hit on' women, rather are friendly with them and slowly escalate the interaction over time, rarely if ever being blatantly sexual. Fair warning. Since it is quite normal to have crushes during one's life, I don't see any reason why your H can't be fully disclosed. If he's a 'friendly' guy, he might have some insight and, regardless, you can work together to resolve the issue. As to the 'why do I like it', that's easy. It's external validation, an important aspect for any social creature. Perfectly normal. Enjoy, but prioritize your M.
imagine Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Yep. It may well become an EA. Please Google "Anatomy of adultery -15 step to unfaithfulness. Forget prayer. It is time for action. Speak to your husband and EMPHASISE the problem. Avoid any secrecy. Renew your marriage -it's time for a revamp.
Bryanp Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 How would you feel if your husband was engaged in this type of behavior with a female co-worker?
Author marriedgirl Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 Hi all, thanks for your advice. I needed to hear all that. All this behaviour: the thrill of seeing him in the office, the adrenalin of the flirting going on, the looks and smiling all seem like addictive behaviour to me. What I feel is not even sexual attaction it's just the teenage passionate behaviour which looks harmless. What this has taught me is that cheating doesn't necessarily start in a sordid and dirty way. It can start from something as childish as this... I think it's now time to stop it, even knowing I'll miss it. I'll continue being friendly and try and block it out a bit it and report it here in a couple of weeks.
Author marriedgirl Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 Thanks for your advice and offer of contact but I'll stick to the forum. It's been great to have people to tell you what you already know but doesn't want to accept. ----------------------- It does appear that he is flirting/interested in you. As I said before, please be careful. Think about your relationship with your husband and if it's worth saving, devote your energy to your marriage. If it's not, let him go. It will be better all the way around. I've made some bad decisions and it has made things so much harder than it should have been. If you want to talk (I promise I'm not hitting on you and all discussions will be appropriate) you can email me. [COLOR=#990000][email protected][/COLOR].
Author marriedgirl Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 He's really friendly with everyone, and so am I, but with him I just know it's not only friendliness. He's had a few problems with his wife and I am feeling lonely which leaves us in a very vulnerable position... it gets very intense at some points and then we both decide to distance ourselves for ages. I've requested his friendship in Facebook so that I can see him at the weekends when I'm away from the office. My job is really busy and I don't want it to distract me from my main objectives! I am a focused person, just a little confused at the moment. OP, perhaps notice how this man interacts with other women in your office and compare to your experience. Also, if he is friendly with you in full view of other colleagues, this would lend less credence to the interaction being flirtatious. There are a couple of regular LS female posters who have H's who have cheated on them and have shared that their H's don't 'hit on' women, rather are friendly with them and slowly escalate the interaction over time, rarely if ever being blatantly sexual. Fair warning. Since it is quite normal to have crushes during one's life, I don't see any reason why your H can't be fully disclosed. If he's a 'friendly' guy, he might have some insight and, regardless, you can work together to resolve the issue. As to the 'why do I like it', that's easy. It's external validation, an important aspect for any social creature. Perfectly normal. Enjoy, but prioritize your M.
Author marriedgirl Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 I've sort of hinted to my husband that someone's flirting with me at work and he kind of said that this happens in an office environment. Co-workers enjoy complimenting and being friendly to each other and that as long as it's harmless, no problem! What I didn't tell him is that I reciprocate with this particular person only. In my office colleagues enjoy saying little jokes and being flirty (whilst respectful) but that happens in front of a group. We sort of laugh it off and it's forgotten when lunch time is over. I'm not always the target, it can be anyone in a particular day or no jokes at all some days... just normal office behaviour. How would you feel if your husband was engaged in this type of behavior with a female co-worker?
Author marriedgirl Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 Thanks Imagine. I will. It's his birthday soon and not the best time to tell him just yet but I will have a frank conversation with him when time is right. Yep. It may well become an EA. Please Google "Anatomy of adultery -15 step to unfaithfulness. Forget prayer. It is time for action. Speak to your husband and EMPHASISE the problem. Avoid any secrecy. Renew your marriage -it's time for a revamp.
serialgf Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 i've never been married, so i don't really think i can contribute much but wanted to put in my quick two cents.... it sounds like you're enjoying your new found confidence from losing weight and this gorgeous guy who maybe wasn't attainable before has become more so in your mind... just a speculation.... there's nothing wrong with a little fantasy.... honestly based solely on what you described from his behavior it really doesn't sound like much... maybe a little flirty... but maybe you're more sensitive to it now because you're feeling more attractive... and maybe he is flirting a little but i would not go as far as to say an EA is developing, at least not on his part... i would do what carhill suggested and observe how he treats other attractive women in the workplace... in my humble opinion it sounds like this is your own personal issue... perhaps related to confidence, self esteem... how do you feel about your hubby now that you've lost weight? does he still "do it" for you? cheers! sgf
Dexter Morgan Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Two questions: has anyone got a clue why I'm enjoying it so much because you are the kind of person that can't handle a monogomous relationship and you are an affair waiting to happen. in a nutshell, you are fickle. Tell me, the weight you lost, don't lie....you want the coworker to notice, don't you? and do you think he's flirting with me? who cares? I'm going mad thinking about this situation (which is ficticious in a way) and the fact I'm cheating on my husband by thinking about another man... any advice would be appreciated. look for another job. but then again, there will just be some other guy elsewhere you think is gorgeous and would like to get close to.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Sorry to hear about what happened to you but thanks for saying that to me. I'm 35, he's 41, same age as my husband. We've got young kids (under 10) and life's been busy and tiring. yup, and this coworker doesn't have to live with you and go throught the daily trials of parenthood and the ups and downs of that with you. coworker has no baggage with you. The fact we spend too many hours at work doesn't help so I've thinking of talking to my husband about it. Just to try and share it before it gets to a point I can't handle it. I'd say thats a good idea. Maybe it will whip your husband up and your husbands reaction might be a slap in the face that you need to stop obsessing over another man. or are you going to blame your husband for what you are doing at work?
Dexter Morgan Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I've sort of hinted to my husband that someone's flirting with me at work and he kind of said that this happens in an office environment. ya, but you failed to tell him, "I like his flirting and imagine what it would be like to be with him." tell him that and get back to us. I've requested his friendship in Facebook so that I can see him at the weekends when I'm away from the office. oh for the love of pete, why are you even married?
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 neither of you said whether you thought he is flirting with me... Am I being daft or is he really flirting? sometimes I think that I'm the one going mad... If I choose to talk to him about it he might say: you're totally out of your mind! I have never flirted with you... as I'd say if he confronted me one day. It's weird. Thanks Tara! Your in desperate need of attention. If you get more time with your husband... and he starts to pay more attention to you... the other guy will start to not mean as much.
Jaspe_Loco Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Some of these responses are exactly why I offered to speak outside of a public forum. To some extent, I understand why they feel that way. I had a harsh opinion of cheaters when it was the one being cheated on, but when I got involved in an emotional affair with my current GF, I began to see the other side of the issue. Again, I'm not justifying my actions, I'm simply saying that all things are not black and white. I rarely find that whacking someone over the head with morality will cause them to change a course of action. Marriedgirl knows what she's doing is essentially cheating and it's wrong just as I know my affair is wrong, but since this is a "Cheater"s forum, as opposed to a "Marriage" or Love Advice" forum, I would expect less whacking and more honest discussion.
imagine Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Marriedgirl, I do not identify with the previous poster. We are all tempted. We struggle, as you are by posting on this forum. I am cautious about your reply of waiting for his birthday to speak to him. We cannot delay in reporting feelings to your husband. Far too easy to cop out. It may well be necessary to quit your job if nothing is done. "Quit" you say. Is that not rather extreme. Much better than a damaged relationship or divorce. And No, I am not kidding!
Dexter Morgan Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 all what matters to u is if he is flirting with u or not, dammit who gives a $hit?!!! this stuck out for me as well. I got a vision in my head of a girl going, "do you like think, like, he's flirting with me and stuff....I mean like, oh my gawd"
Dexter Morgan Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 It may well be necessary to quit your job if nothing is done. "Quit" you say. Is that not rather extreme. yes, its a bit extreme, but whats more important, the job, or her husband? I always say, start looking for a job...never stop trying...then leave the current job when another is found. I don't care if it takes 5+ years....send out resumes all the time.
SadandConfusedWA Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 It doesn't sound like he is flirting with you. Sounds like you are attracted to him and reading WAY too much into it. He is just being friendly.
Author marriedgirl Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 (edited) I've read all the posts carefully and know I'm the one at fault here. That's why I've come to this forum. Mainly because I don't want to cheat. I've only ever had one partner (my husband) and we've gone through a lot in our marriage (not cheating related). We've got a history together and I wouldn't want him out of my life. I've lost a lot of weight and had health issues resolved so yes, I'm now feeling a totally new person. I've had post natal depression following the birth of the children plus physical issues too and recovered a few months back. I believe now that my issue is not about this co-worker but how I feel myself. I need to learn to handle the attention I'm getting from my colleagues and stop thinking that I'm invincible and that I can do anything I want because I'm now a new person. Believe me, the world is treating me differently, may be because I feel more confident as someone said earlier. I'm definitely not an affair waiting to happen. I will not be labelled a cheater because I haven't cheated (and I won't). Many guys out there who look at porn behind their partners back and think about having sex with those women wouldn't think that's cheating, would they? so, opinions vary! I'm not even thinking about the sexual side of things, it's mainly fairy tale. I've just been a bit childish about this particular issue but I'll deal with it. I wouldn't have come here to ask what you think if I had made up my mind about having an affair with this man. I agree that the line that says "do you think he's flirting with me?" is irrelevant and silly, so thanks for the ones who've pointed that out. If I don't want to cheat, I don't need reassurance that it's happening. Thanks for your posts, it's really helped!! Edited October 17, 2009 by marriedgirl
Recommended Posts