Lion Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 (edited) Hi, I'm a guy, 24 years old, just come out of a 2.5+ yr relationship. It's great to see this forum where guys and girls can share advice. I could use some advice regarding getting back together with my long-term girlfriend. Background I have known her for a long time and she is very special to me. I love her and just want her to be happy; I want to share my life with her. She has wanted this too but perceives herself to be "needy". A week ago she broke up with me: We exchanged texts the day after, I tried to be positive and wished her well in the future... since then I have restrained myself to NC and have been doing positive things for my life. Reasons she says we were not compatible: 1. She says she wants us to move in together, to take it to the next level. She wants to get married sooner than me. I said I don't want to move in yet, not ready, in the process of getting career on track, like living with my parents (they are not getting any younger and I value family time immensely). I said I only want to move in prior to marriage (years down the line). 2. She is worried I will break up with her again. I broke up with her a few months ago - basically I had lost my identity/ confidence as a result of being injured in a road accident. She looked after me very attentively. Having the accident made me realise how short life is- I worried that she was not the right girl for me and one evening, after doubting our future I broke up with her. I regretted this within hours but did not tell her until weeks of soul searching until I was sure she was the "one". I came to see her a week later and we met up a few times - however I said some quite offensive things about her - I was angry not ready to speak with her. Eventually she wanted to come and see me and we made up, then she went on holiday for some reflection time and when she got back we clicked again. I was so happy until two weeks ago. We both work in demanding jobs and only have time to meet up 2-3 times a week. I tried to show her I cared about our relationship: Complication: We could not have sexual contact for a month because I had an unexpected infection (not STD) which has now healed. She said that me having this had nothing to do with the break up; I belive it disconnected us immensely, we have always had intense connection. If you guys need to know further info please just ask, as I am SURE I WANT a future with her. Thanks EDIT I have posted this in the second chances forum - may be better placed ! Edited October 15, 2009 by Lion
CaliGuy Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 The dumpee can not initiate a reconcilliation with the dumper. You need to understand this. I don't care how much you want it to work. The dumper has to want it if there is a chance for it to work. You can not control other people. You can not MAKE them want you. You can not MAKE them love you. They either do or they don’t. I will tell you this. Someone who truly is in love with you will not walk away from you. They will do whatever it takes to make the relationship work. If they walk away from you, they have doubts -- serious doubts -- that you are the right one for them. This doesn’t mean you are unworthy of being loved. It simply means that this also isn't the right person for you. Read the links in my signature for more information.
GrayClouds Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Caliguy is the man, do as he says and it will be easier, no easy, but easier. READ: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance?
Author Lion Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 Big thanks CaliGuy and GrayClouds, I am beginning to accept it now. Specific Q: I have left a few belongings at her place, should I contact/go over to collect them... I don't need them right away.
Author Lion Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 BTW when we discussed marriage, it scared me so I put up a guard "not for a few years".... I think the right "one" for me would wait until we're both ready, or at least keep trying to woo me with her actions
CaliGuy Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Big thanks CaliGuy and GrayClouds, I am beginning to accept it now. Specific Q: I have left a few belongings at her place, should I contact/go over to collect them... I don't need them right away. No, have a friend collect them for you. Don't initiate any contact with her. Have the friend send her a message to set up a time to collect your things. You need to disappear from her life completely. BTW when we discussed marriage, it scared me so I put up a guard "not for a few years".... I think the right "one" for me would wait until we're both ready, or at least keep trying to woo me with her actions With the right one, the relationship doesn't feel like "work". In other words, neither has to woo the other. You both enjoy each other's company, you are like best friends, you talk a lot and you work your differences out. The wrong person for you will get up and walk away. If they will leave you that easily now, they will certainly leave when the going gets rough (and it always does at some point).
DustySaltus Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 With the right one, the relationship doesn't feel like "work". In other words, neither has to woo the other. You both enjoy each other's company, you are like best friends, you talk a lot and you work your differences out. The wrong person for you will get up and walk away. If they will leave you that easily now, they will certainly leave when the going gets rough (and it always does at some point). I can't agree with this more. The problem I had is that we did enjoy each others company, we were best friends but when the going got rough she never wanted to sit down and work things out. She was right, I was wrong and it was her way or the airway....that can't be love.
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