screamingeagle Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 My wife and I have been togther now for 8 years . Ive had a lying problem and ive cheated on her with her friends when i was 19 and 20 years old. We were not married while that occured . Im now 27 . We also have 5 kids together. three years ago my wife was going out every weekend and i stayed home with the kids . she would come home at 3 and 4 am . she even told me that she didnt love me or wasnt "in love" me anymore. i started talking to another girl at work about our relationship and she convinced me she did not love me anymore and to get out.well i left work early one night and went to a party were she was at . i dont know if she was trying to seduce me or what but my stomach became sick and i blew her off. Well my wife found out about the incedent , she kicked me out i vigoursly tried getting her back.I moved back in 2 months later. well its been 2 years since then and im starting to find things out about her that i didnt even know exsisted. I just found out she "effed one of my friends. Ive never cheated on her while weve been married!Icant stop thinking about it . if anyone has some advice i would really appreciate it!
Bryanp Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 You never cheated on her while you were married. She has cheated on you while you were married to her and she screwed one of your friends which is a double betrayal. I think this says it all - don't you?
giotto Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 You never cheated on her while you were married. She has cheated on you while you were married to her and she screwed one of your friends which is a double betrayal. I think this says it all - don't you? so, cheating while not married is "less important"?
MistyK Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 It honestly sounds like you guys just got married to young and your W is acting out on all the missed experiences. Its immature at best to be out at all hours of the night with 5 kids at home. My guess is she used your going to the party as a cheap excuse to kick you out because she's not invested in the marriage. Have you guys gone to counseling or done anything? Noticeably absent is why you even want to stay. You said she doesn't love you and you aren't indicating that you're madly in love with her either. Why do you want to stay?
giotto Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Noticeably absent is why you even want to stay. You said she doesn't love you and you aren't indicating that you're madly in love with her either. Why do you want to stay? The kids? But you are right that this marriage is flawed and they need get to MC ASAP...
Devil Inside Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Hey man...I am in a similar situation. My wife and I have both cheated. I can tell you this much. You need to sit down and really figure out what you want. If you want to make it work then it is going to take a lot of hard work from both of you. I can't even tell you how much of a mind screw it is to deal with the anger and betrayal and then have guilt for what you have done come up. You will need the guidance of a good therapist and the ability to be completely honest with yourself throughout the process. So step one...do you want this to work?
Dexter Morgan Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 My wife and I have been togther now for 8 years . Ive had a lying problem and ive cheated on her with her friends when i was 19 and 20 years old. We were not married while that occured . Im now 27 . We also have 5 kids together. three years ago my wife was going out every weekend and i stayed home with the kids. she would come home at 3 and 4 am boy, does that sound awfully familiar!! she even told me that she didnt love me or wasnt "in love" me anymore. i started talking to another girl at work about our relationship and she convinced me she did not love me anymore and to get out. which is what you should have done. well i left work early one night and went to a party were she was at . i dont know if she was trying to seduce me or what but my stomach became sick and i blew her off. Well my wife found out about the incedent , she kicked me out i vigoursly tried getting her back. let me get this straight....your wife can go out and cheat...but you can actually do the honorable thing and blow off an advance from another woman....and its YOU that is to be kicked out??? talk about a cake eating, double standard cheating huss. I have one question....when will you be seeing an attorney? I moved back in 2 months later. well its been 2 years since then and im starting to find things out about her that i didnt even know exsisted. I just found out she "effed one of my friends. Ive never cheated on her while weve been married!Icant stop thinking about it . if anyone has some advice i would really appreciate it! even effed one of your friends? how did you find that out? advice? Get the best attorney you can without her knowing you are doing it.
Author screamingeagle Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 To make things worse...I just found out that when she admitted she said it was only once and protected but it was more than once and with out a condom! when my friend found out that she was my wife he cut all communication and she was pissed!
MistyK Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 To make things worse...I just found out that when she admitted she said it was only once and protected but it was more than once and with out a condom! when my friend found out that she was my wife he cut all communication and she was pissed! How did your friend not know she was your wife?
Author screamingeagle Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 i used to party with him back in the day!
whichwayisup Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Let me ask, when you cheated before you were married, did you use condoms? Anyway, for the sake of your 5 poor kids - GET TO MARRIAGE COUNSELLING, and fix this, learn to communicate with one another, put eachother first and ACT like husband and wife. BE a family. Do you love her, enough to want to fix the marriage?
eyeswide Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 I understand that right now everything feels like a broken mess. I've been there. I said those same cliche "I love you but" words to my husband. He fell in love with someone else and his choice of APs couldn't have hurt me more. Your marriage may be over, your problems without cure. But sometimes there really can be a phoenix in the ashes. There has been for us. You have to both really, really, really want it, though. You may not feel like you are 100% sure about that when you first start trying, though. You're probably going to both be too traumatized at first to feel clear about anything. But if you commit to working on it and then can keep moving toward patient empathy FOR EACH OTHER, you may find the fact that you have both betrayed and been betrayed is sometimes helpful in the more difficult moments. I have been there. Heck, I AM there. But it gets better and better bit by bit. 2 steps forward, 1 step back, sometimes. But it still looks and feels like progress and I have the love I want in my life. So that is all good. Good luck to you both SE. I hope you find peace of mind soon...
seibert253 Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 You want this to work, what does your wife want? Does she love you? Is she remorseful about what she's done? Have you confronted her about her dishonesty, and that you know everything about her A? I think the only way your marriage has a chance is total complete honesty for both of you. So far she's not been honest, and I dont' believe you've been also. Does she know about what occurred before you were married? If she want to work this out the two of you need to sit down, be totally honest about EVERYTHING, and get it out in the open. No more secrets, no more lies. No matter how painful, it needs to be out in the open. Then build a foundation on being honest. MC is a must if this is to be fixed. Remember this, if both of you are not 100% committed to fixing this, then you are wasting your time.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 To make things worse...I just found out that when she admitted she said it was only once and protected but it was more than once and with out a condom! when my friend found out that she was my wife he cut all communication and she was pissed! You used to party with him back in the day? How did your wife and him hook up? I don't believe for a minute he didn't know she was your wife.
Author screamingeagle Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 well i now have a new spin ! i found out that she actually had sex with this dude twice , in wich she repeatedly lied to me about.when i first found out she told me it was only one time and she was drunk and retaleating back at me for talking to that girl from work. but he also told me that when he found out her last name he said EFF that i know him ,see ya later! which i belive. she was upset. I also confirmed this with his best friend so i know the truth. when i made sure i knew all the details , i asked her and she kept lying, i finally acted like i didnt care and just wanted to know the truth , she finally told me ! the very next night i take all of my children to my mothers to give her time to study for school with friends and she plans a night out at the bar with the girls first then asks me in front of them if she could go . i dont think that is the best move for rebuilding our trust . so i let her go but i ask that she be back by midnight and to call me , she dosent do either and now im desperastly waiting for her to come home wandering what or who she did tonight!
Author screamingeagle Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 I hope someone replys before she gets home becuse i dont know how to react towards her, i love her but i dont think she has anything lft for me????
Devil Inside Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 I hope someone replys before she gets home becuse i dont know how to react towards her, i love her but i dont think she has anything lft for me???? I'm sorry nobody was here for support last night brother. So I assume she made it home. What happened? If you haven't spoken with her yet..I say you just lay it out. Tell her you caught her in her lies. Tell her to stop making it worse now and just listen...unless she has anything else to disclose. Tell her that you feel as if you can never trust her again...and it makes you feel as if she cannot possibly love you like she says when she lies to you like this over and over. Tell her you are not sure where it goes from here (unless you know). Good luck my man...if you choose to work on things it is going to be a long road...and both of you are going to have to commit to the process...her behavior last night makes it hard to believe she will be able to commit to the process...but stranger things have happened. Sorry for the sting of betrayal my friend...be strong...stay true to yourself.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 the very next night i take all of my children to my mothers to give her time to study for school with friends and she plans a night out at the bar with the girls first then asks me in front of them if she could go Oh hell no!!! She did that so you'd say yes because she knows you don't want to look like some control freak. She cheats, and thinks she should be able to go out to the bars drinking? She knows exactly what she is going to do when out partying....she is going to be looking to strap herself to another man. My answer to her in front of her friends would have been, "do you think that is acceptable after what you have done?" She cheats and still wants to go to bars? dude...WAKE UP!!!!!! I think its time to talk to an attorney without her knowing it. i dont think that is the best move for rebuilding our trust its not a move to build trust....its a move for her to surround herself with other men. so i let her go but i ask that she be back by midnight and to call me , she dosent do either and now im desperastly waiting for her to come home wandering what or who she did tonight! so did she come back before midnight?
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