Toki Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 The short of it, it's been a bloody year since my breakup with my ex. I was the one that ended it, but the guilt and the circumstances for which I broke up with her, were in my opinion justifiable to me. I didn't so much dump her, as break up with right then and there without a warning six months after I proposed to her, and then went out and had a completely unsatisfying two week stint with a coworker. Then got back together for a bit, because she wanted too, already had a low opinion of myself, but it was more on a platonic level by that point, I just wasn't the same person, drinking heavily, lying through my teeth at every chance I got. I don't even know why, but if my blood would have ran any colder at that point, I would've been a corpse. Suffice it to say, I've since cleaned up, moved out of town, dropped all contact with her, started college, hammered out something of a patch work for a plan of "what I'm going to be doing for the next few years." And in general, kicking ass and taking names. So, I started dating another girl and things were going well at first, but when the whole trying to "open up" thing happened and I just panicked, and dropped contact with her. I realized I felt nothing for this person, not even lust, I mean she's good to talk with, and everything, but I just don't have any sort of emotional attachment that could possibly justify me seeing this person, without it being something that she didn't want. And now, the more I think about trying to date again, it suddenly feels like I'm right back to square one a year ago. I can't admit it to myself, but I loved and still to some extent love my ex with an almost sick passion. I just didn't realize how much, until after I pushed the self destruct button. I want to cry about the whole thing, and feel sad, angry, something...anything. But I don't, I'm completely emotionally numb, it's like I've been on autopilot for a whole year, when I decided to get my act straight, I just swallowed that heavy slab of misery and soldiered on. But it seems like I left a lot of me behind with her, I just can't connect with people on the most primitive of emotional levels anymore. What the hell am I doing? I need to get over her, forgive myself, and move on. But, I don't know what to do, for the first time in quite awhile I feel desperately lost, like a kid who loses his parents in a mall. I don't want to wake up in twenty years, and realize I've accomplished many things in my life, and at the same time, have completely missed out on some of the most vital aspects such as relationships. I'm ready to get off the ride, I just want to know how...
Recommended Posts