Why am i angry?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

so a little update on my status. H is still figuring out what he wants. we remain cordial, im doing my best to show my remorse and to show him i still care. i dont want to push it so im giving him his space. it seems to be going ok. not great, but i couldnt expect anything more from him this shortly after d-day. im thankful for him at least thinking about it.

 

MM. we still havent had a talk about everything. its up in the air, dont understand a lot of it. i need closure. i have no idea how he feels or anything. im struggling with the fact that i loved him for so long and he seems to be able to walk away without a second thought. so ive gone NC. hes called a time or two, wants to fill me in on his life, tell me how shes hurting etc. honestly, i dont really care because im hurting and the man who told me he loved me for so long cant even take the time to acknowledge what we were involved in for so long. i only answered the phone because i was weak and secretly wanting to hear his voice.

 

but today i find myself angry with him. i burst into tears tonight. pictured myself calling him and just saying F*** you. F* you for letting me think you loved me for so long and being able to walk away from it without a second thought. F* you for being my rock and my best friend for so long and now when i feel like im dying you dont seem to care.

 

i just keep thinking over and over that although i agree it has to end and now, it would be easier if he would have at least told me he loved me and we could go our separate ways. not make me question the last 3 years of my life and everything ive lost because of it.

 

so why am i so mad at him? i did this, i risked it all, i knew what i was getting into. i guess i just didnt think it would end like this. i just dont understand how you can stop loving someone in an instant.

 

and i dont want to be angry with him, but i just cant help it. im hurting - even if it was self-inflicted.

 

thanks for the thoughts.

[Untouchable_Fire]

but today i find myself angry with him. i burst into tears tonight. pictured myself calling him and just saying F*** you. F* you for letting me think you loved me for so long and being able to walk away from it without a second thought. F* you for being my rock and my best friend for so long and now when i feel like im dying you dont seem to care.

 

Um... I don't think it's really that easy for him. That's my experience anyway.

 

Remember that old saying "women forgive but never forget, men forget but never forgive". It's something like that.

[Fallen Angel]

You are angry because you are having to let go of the dream that you had that one day you would be the only one in his life. You are angry because that is a kind of protection against some of the pain. (even though it doesn't feel like it right now, anger does dull some of the pain) Your anger can be a good thing, a step towards healing.

 

They say there are five stages of grief..

 

~ Denial

~ Anger

~ Bargaining

~ Depression

~ Acceptance

 

You are on step two... that is a step in the right direction even though it feels like ten steps back right now.

 

((HUGS)) I said a prayer for you. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Edited October 15, 2009 by Fallen Angel
that i before e thing gets me every time

[NowhereToHide]

so a little update on my status. H is still figuring out what he wants. we remain cordial, im doing my best to show my remorse and to show him i still care. i dont want to push it so im giving him his space. it seems to be going ok. not great, but i couldnt expect anything more from him this shortly after d-day. im thankful for him at least thinking about it.

 

MM. we still havent had a talk about everything. its up in the air, dont understand a lot of it. i need closure. i have no idea how he feels or anything. im struggling with the fact that i loved him for so long and he seems to be able to walk away without a second thought. so ive gone NC. hes called a time or two, wants to fill me in on his life, tell me how shes hurting etc. honestly, i dont really care because im hurting and the man who told me he loved me for so long cant even take the time to acknowledge what we were involved in for so long. i only answered the phone because i was weak and secretly wanting to hear his voice.

 

but today i find myself angry with him. i burst into tears tonight. pictured myself calling him and just saying F*** you. F* you for letting me think you loved me for so long and being able to walk away from it without a second thought. F* you for being my rock and my best friend for so long and now when i feel like im dying you dont seem to care.

 

i just keep thinking over and over that although i agree it has to end and now, it would be easier if he would have at least told me he loved me and we could go our separate ways. not make me question the last 3 years of my life and everything ive lost because of it.

 

so why am i so mad at him? i did this, i risked it all, i knew what i was getting into. i guess i just didnt think it would end like this. i just dont understand how you can stop loving someone in an instant.

 

and i dont want to be angry with him, but i just cant help it. im hurting - even if it was self-inflicted.

 

thanks for the thoughts.

 

About 4 months ago I could have written exactly what you wrote. Verbatim. In fact, if I go back in my journal, I'm sure I have an entry that says exactly this.

 

At the end of the day, his family is more important to him. It took me a long time to reconcile this myself. He loves you. Don't doubt that. But he isn't leaving. I, too, wanted him to tell me what I needed to hear. That he loved me, that he wanted me more, but that he couldn't be with me. And guess what? He did tell me that eventually and it STILL wasn't enough. He doesn't hold the key to you getting over this -- you do. It doesn't matter what he says... it's still going to hurt like hell and it's going to take time to mourn.

 

I actually welcomed the anger when it came. It gave me focus. It gave me perspective. And most importantly, it gave me strength. Use it to your advantage. And funnel it all into your marriage and your family. You're taking your power back. It's time.

 

He didn't stop loving you in an instant. It isn't easy for him to do this. At the end of the day, he's a guy. My xAP did EXACTLY the same thing. He disappeared for a while and left me wondering what the hell happened. He engaged in the typical self-preservation and ass-saving moves to make sure he doesn't lose anything. It's what they do. And there's no use in questioning it. We just have to accept it as is.

 

I had the hardest time reconciling how my A ended. I kept telling my therapist that something wasn't right. The AP that I knew would NEVER have handled the ending this way based on what we shared. And guess what I figured out? He WASN'T the person I thought he was. THAT's why there was such a disconnect between what he said during the A and how he acted to save his hide. Your AP isn't everything you thought he was.

 

I know it's no consolation, but this will get easier. The pain will be less. I feel better today than I did yesterday. One day at a time.

 

Hang in there.

[justwantlove]

Im sorry your hurting so much. Its horrible the pain! Dont look to him to comfort you it will only hurt even more.

 

Hugs

[bentnotbroken]

Unfortunately, you and the wife are probably in the same pain. You both now realize your lives with this person was a fantasy and that he wasn't what you hoped or believed him to be. Not to lessen your pain, but do you feel any anger toward yourself?

[JumpinJimmy]

Browneye...girl, sorry to hear that you are hurting. I was the single OM to a MW, and after burning her marriage to the ground, I realized that my professed love/filler material/sweet nothings with her, was merely telling her what she wanted to hear to get the PA part. To be blunt, the situation sounds the same with you.

[Devil Inside]

BEG...sorry. Ouch....I know it hurts.

 

Anger is a natural progression in getting over loss. As FA pointed out...this is a step in the right direction...as painful as it is.

 

I can tell you that he is not just over you. He is hurting too. However, as you have seen from his actions...the person that he will always act to save is himself. He decided to end things to work on his marriage. He still kept in contact with you...even though he was supposed to be saving his marriage. He wants to contact you and have you support him as he deals with the pain he has caused his wife...that is some twisted $hit right there.

 

Actions SCREAM words WHISPER. He is about him. So he cannot be there for you. There was a time that what he did to meet his needs also met yours, and now you see that he is still meeting his needs...at the expense of your emotions. Time to meet your needs. Time to take care of you.

 

Be mad. Use it to fuel actions. Use it to maintain NC.

 

I'm sorry you are in pain. We are here if you need us.

[Leelou]

 

so why am i so mad at him? i did this, i risked it all, i knew what i was getting into. i guess i just didnt think it would end like this. i just dont understand how you can stop loving someone in an instant.

Hi Browneyedgirl,

 

Sounds like you are mad at him, and hurting much, because you are assuming that he does not love you, the way you want him to.

 

Has he actually stated that he does not love you?

Or are you just thinking the worst of him, because he has gone back to his wife now?

 

People react differently to situations. People's perceptions are different. In your case, you are the one to be making 'reasons' for your exlover. They are not his reasons.

He is still reaching out to you. He still needs you. Why do you think this is so?

That must be his way of needing you, of loving you.

 

I think you are just trying to make this all easier on yourself by 'hating' him. By finding a reason to be mad at him, so it will be easier for you to let him go.

This is not fair to him.

 

Just because he did not land up with you does not mean you must now think the worst of him and hate him.

 

Why not end this relationship on a positive note? Think the best of him. Thank him for being in your life for the time he was, and see him as a gift when you needed one.

Then miss him, and get on with the rest of your life. You cannot get 'closure' from him by getting him to trip up and say something you can interpret the wrong way, and therefore feel justified in hating him, so you can let him go easier.

 

You are going to hurt.

But at least don't damage him in the process. And don't damage the image of what you two experienced, of what you had together. Let him go with love in your heart.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

thanks for both point of views.

 

yes im very angry at myself. along with many other negative feelings.

 

i do look back on our relationship fondly. i love him, the feelings were real, the times we shared were precious. i just think he could have handled things after dday differently. thats my issue. if he was a jerk to me the entire time it would have been expected. but these actions are new and different and so i dont understand them. i wouldnt have loved THIS person.

 

and DI you are so right. how twisted could he be to want me there as his comfort? especially when he cares nothing about comforting me.

[Morelikeher]

Girl, you sound A LOT like me. I hurt for so long that I actually welcomed the anger. For some reason, it made me suck it up and try to focus on different things (things I neglected during our A).

 

You seem to be struggling with the why of it all. How he can go from loving you, to going back to his M. I feel your pain.

 

I was absolutely shocked that he went back to his W. Up to that point, it had been all about loving me, building a future with me, etc. I probably looked like Bambi in headlights when he told me. I never had a discussion with him about his choice - he told me he was going back to her and I walked away.

 

I have no doubt that the man loved me. Or at least, he loved how I made HIM feel. He wanted the attention or perhaps, just was seeking some revenge because he felt that his wife no longer appreciated him. I don't know.

 

I'm sure there is no closure in all of this. He made a decision - it hit me out of nowhere - and I am left trying what to do with my feelings.

 

I haven't stopped loving him. I wish I could understand it too. No real advice - just wanted you to know that we have a lot in common in this respect.

 

Hang in there. It does get better.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

thanks. maybe thats why we're both obsessed with those darn miranda lambert songs.

[howcouldInotknow]

I used to be really angry but in the six weeks since its happened I got over it. The anger came very quickly for me in a matter of hours. At first I literally had no sleep for a week. All I could think was how did I end up here. I started questioning myself, did he ever love me ?, Why her and not me? then I realized those aren't questions I had the answer to and if I didnt forget about it I would be asking them forever. Of course it hurts. My things from his house I have not been able to touch them. They still smell like his house and his laundry detergent. It hasn't been easy but I don't dwell on it. I have told myself he was a lesson that I had to learn. If it seems too good to be true then it is. He made promises to me that he wasn't able to keep. I think at some point he felt he could but then she came back and wanted to work on things and I think it was an opportunity she never offered before and he took it. Whether or not it works out is between them, will he probably come back one day wanting another chance? Maybe but the love I used to have for him will never ever be the same again. And when you start healing you will realize this and letting go will be so much easier

[Devil Inside]

thanks for both point of views.

 

yes im very angry at myself. along with many other negative feelings.

 

i do look back on our relationship fondly. i love him, the feelings were real, the times we shared were precious. i just think he could have handled things after dday differently. thats my issue. if he was a jerk to me the entire time it would have been expected. but these actions are new and different and so i dont understand them. i wouldnt have loved THIS person.

 

and DI you are so right. how twisted could he be to want me there as his comfort? especially when he cares nothing about comforting me.

 

You know what...I don't know many people that handle break ups well. Either side...breaking up or being broken up with.

 

I don't think that you can judge him universally by how he had handled this situation. You need to look at the whole picture.

 

Hard as it may be, he was not the perfect man you made him out to be...but he is not the evil person you paint him to be now either.

 

We do really strange things when we are trying to get our needs met or avoid painful emotion.

 

Looking at the big picture...having an affair is really irrational. I mean in a million years would you have ever predicted you would be in one...but it happens. It would be a shame for others to take that and universally judge you by those actions.

 

So I guess I am saying...at some point you will have to accept...it was great while it lasted..but like most affairs it ended with all people involved being in pain...the end of relationships always hurt...and people always act unlike themselves in painful situations.

 

Sorry for your pain...I know it well.

[candoit]

just hang in there it will get better , i was very angry for the past two days , but today i woke up feeling okay

[whattodonow12]

I feel the same way It is so hard. But, I also think he is hurting.