Man, I'm hurting.

[Eisenhower]

First time posting. Sorry so long, but you know how these things go.

 

I made what I guess is a classic mistake of dating a young girl who was getting divorced - she's 29 with two beautiful kids (5 and 6), I'm 38. We work for the same company and I guess we always kind of fancied each other but she was married so we never revealed how we felt. She reached out to me after being seperated for many months and we started seeing each other - fell for each other hard, actually. We fell madly in love and she basked in the affection and attention and returned it as well. It was really beautiful. It was bliss and she kept telling me she wanted to be mine forever, and I really fell into that like it was heaven.

 

But she was very reluctant that anyone know we were together because she felt ashamed to be dating so soon after divorce, ect., which I guess is understandable, but it still hurt because I wanted to shout from the rooftops. This was the first stress in our relationship. Eventually, she did start telling people we were a couple, but wouldn't tell the kids for fear of confusing them, etc. By the way, the kids and I were in love with each other from get-go, they'd never had a good male in their lives and we were tight! She always didn't want me coming over to her house because she felt that was somehow disrespectful, being that she and her husband had lived there together. I didn't get it, but it was another stressor. She and the kids would always come to my house.

 

Second stressor came from my desire to move away one day and her fear of ever leaving her home state, relatives, etc. She comes from a childhood of divorce and instability, so I guess she's got a lot of issues with "change." As I say, this was stressor number 2.

 

Then her father died (the only parent she was close too) and she really fell apart. I tried to be there, but she didn't want to even go out of the house for a while, she was really hurting. In some ways, she became a changed person after this - shorter temper, less tolerant of any stress. She's also really poor at communicating when she's in pain - just tenses up and gets angry if you try to talk things out - very hard to resolve issues when she bottles them up. I'm a talker and problem solver and that would just drive her nuts.

 

Amidst all this, she has always carried a tremendous amount of guilt for putting her kids through divorce, even though their dad is literally a criminal thug and worthless - she has full custody. She feels like a failure for being divorced.

 

Add up all this stress and she changed - after the first six months or so of our mutual bliss, she was constantly stressed and started to get resentful of me for wanting to be open about our relationship, wanting to help her, etc., etc. She finally said she simply couldn't be in a relationship, she was too messed up to be doing it, she knew she was hurting me, and she broke up with me saying she wanted to be close friends and that she knew she was making a huge mistake. Part of me felt sorry for her, part of me was mad at her. But I tried to understand we got involved too soon.

 

All I kept asking was that when she was in a better place that we give it a fair try with no pressure. She would never say yes, because she said she knew that I'd just press for when (and she is probably right on that.) But it was very hurtful to go from being her "dream man" to not even hearing her say we'd give it a try down the road.

 

We were together 18 months total. So we broke up and I was very hurt and wanted no contact. She contacted me 3 weeks later to say "hi, I hope you're doing ok" and I responded that I still wanted no contact. Then we ran into each other at the dentist and I had to talk to her. She started crying and I felt for her, so we began talking again, e-mailing, being friends. But I could never get her to go to lunch or dinner or anything, and I know it's because the few times we'd see each other, I'd bring up the relationship thing and it kept her on edge. My fault, fine. But as you know, being "friends" with someone who for months professed undying love is hard as hell.

 

At any rate, 7 months go by with her making all sorts of excuses why we can't get together on numerous occassions, but still e-mailing me to chit chat, etc. Finally I asked her a few days ago straight up, "are you involved with someone?" She said she'd "been out a couple times with one guy in particular, but wasn't dating and still couldn't be in a relationship." I asked if she was interested in him and she replied defensively "I don't know!" To me, that means "yes, I am."

 

I explained to her that on top of a broken heart I now felt like she'd put a knife in my back by going out with someone while stiff arming me for months. I had specifically asked her that if she started seeing someone she'd tell me so I could walk away with my dignity. Instead, I had to hear it from someone else and ask her about it. I felt after all we shared, I (we) deserved a fair chance. I believe her that she doesn't want a relationship, because for one thing she has a psycho ex who still bothers her and threatens her ... but it kills me that she'd even have interest in another guy, knowing that I still love her (and she'd said she still loves me). She claims they've never gone on a real "date" just barbeques and group things together, but I don't even know if I believe her.

 

Now, I know this sounds like textbook post-divorce confusion, but it's torn my heart to pieces. When she admitted she'd been out with someone, I told her I was done and henceforth want no contact whatsoever with her. I felt betrayed and broken.

 

These have been the most painful days of my life - I'm 38, but I've never had a broken heart before. It is the worst feeling of my life - both physical and mental.

 

The day after "no contact" she e-mails me at work "Can we talk about work?" ... to which I replied "No, just e-mail me if you need something." Two days later, same thing "Can I call you about work?" I said, no I'd rather not, just e-mail me if you need something. She responded, "I don't need anything I just wanted to talk about something, but if you'd rather not, I understand."

 

Come to find out, she's interviewing for a job within the company that would literally have her just down the hall from me! It's like God is punishing me. I get hit in the face every morning when I open my eyes by the pain of not being with her, thinking she's moved on, etc., and now, I might have to see her at work everyday! I can't win.

 

I'm sorry for writing so long but I am just beside myself with pain and anxiety. With kids involved, who I loved so much, it doesn't even feel like a breakup to me, it feels like a divorce. If it wasn't for Valium, I think I'd break down. I can't even get away from her with "no contact" if she gets this job.

 

Anyone have any advice to help me at all? I feel like the best love, the best sex and the best kids I've ever known are in the past, yet I'm haunted with a ghost I can't get away from. Even seeing her car in the company parking lot is hard - having her down the hall from me would be pure torture.

 

Thanks for reading.

[CaliGuy]

Well yes that was a long one.

 

There are two links in my signature. I suggest you read them both completely and then if you have more questions, post them here in this thread.

 

PS: I've been in your situation as well. My best advice is to find another job if you can.

[Eisenhower]

Thanks, your links are great. As to finding another job, that's not an option. Frankly, I'm higher up in the company and moved across country to take this job. Especially in this economy, I'm not about to leave just because of an "office relationship" gone bad. What's frustrating is she has many different places she could go in the company - it's like God is laughing at me by even considering putting her down the hall from me. It sucks.

 

I know the lady doing the hiring and if it sounds like the ex is a finalist for the position, I may have to have a talk with her just to explain the dynamic and request that unless the ex is head and shoulders above all other candidates, the hirer please consider the awkward position this would put both of us in. I don't know - I don't mean it to be mean to the ex, just to preserve my own sanity and healing. Is that wrong?

[Eisenhower]

Well, by way of status update, she'd not getting that job, so I don't have to deal with her being 20 feet down the hall at least. But I tell you, it still hurts so bad. Not only do I feel heartbroken, I feel betrayed that she'd go out with someone knowing I wanted another chance. I realize we weren't "together" but it still hurts like a betrayal.

 

When she finally sent me my keys back her note said, "I'm sorry that I hurt you and I'm sorry for being a horrible friend." At least she gets it.

 

Heartbreak has got to be the worst feeling in the world.

 

Eisenhower

[EricaH329]

 

Heartbreak has got to be the worst feeling in the world.

 

 

Yes, it is.

 

On the brighter side, regret is even worse. Be proud that you gave it everything you had. That you opened yourself up to loving, and being loved in return.

 

I'm heartbroken myself, and I totally understand what you are going through. I can't imagine what it must be like to work at the same place as your ex. My ex is in another country and it still hurts like crazy. I really feel for you.

 

I am determined to think that after the pain subsides, we will be much, much better people for having loved. I know it sounds cheesy, but i'm positive that something wonderful will come of this experience. For all of us. We just have to try and push through this tough time, to get to the better times.

 

There really isn't anything I can do, or say, to make your pain go away. We can only hope that sometime in the future we will take this experience for what it was... in all its pain and glory, and use it to better ourselves.

 

I really wish you the best of luck. I know you are hurting, but know that there will be happy times again.

[CaliGuy]

Well, by way of status update, she'd not getting that job, so I don't have to deal with her being 20 feet down the hall at least. But I tell you, it still hurts so bad. Not only do I feel heartbroken, I feel betrayed that she'd go out with someone knowing I wanted another chance. I realize we weren't "together" but it still hurts like a betrayal.

 

When she finally sent me my keys back her note said, "I'm sorry that I hurt you and I'm sorry for being a horrible friend." At least she gets it.

 

Heartbreak has got to be the worst feeling in the world.

 

Eisenhower

 

So now your goal is to put her out of your mind. Act as if she never existed and move forward with your life as best you can. You can't change the past but you do have, to some degree, control over your future.

 

Cheers

[Eisenhower]

You're very sweet. Thanks for your thoughts and support. I hope you're right and I wish the same for you. Thanks.

[BCCA]

As I was reading the first part, I kept saying to myself 'there is another guy'. I hoped I was wrong, but sadly, here it is again.

 

I remember having a conversation with my ex, in which I just asked that if she was to meet someone else, just let me know so I didnt stick around any longer than I needed to (this was long ago, when I was foolish and would do things like wait around once dumped). She wouldnt say yes or no, either, but I remember one of the last times I saw her she was acting very distant, and very 'friendy' if thats a word, and I just knew.

 

Moral of the story, draw your own conclusions from the facts at hand. Dont ever take what some one else says as the truth, its usually just a variation of it. She just wanted you around long enough to smoothly transition from you to him, so you cant expect shes going to be honest.

 

Is that wrong?

 

Its not nice, but Ive had to mention it to HR folks before. Its not to keep her from getting a job, but you need to make sure folks know your history before anything happens. You want to make sure you come to them as early as possible and tell them honestly about your past relationship. That keeps anyone from making accusations, etc.

[Eisenhower]

Cali Guy, you're right, but it's extremely hard to put her out of my mind when every day as I pull in the parking lot and see or walk by her car. I immediately think of good times she and I and the kids had in that car or try to figure out where to park so as to avoid running into her or even seeing her. It's like a constant reminder. I know if she wasn't there it would be a lot easier to move on ... but that's the danger of an office romance.

[BCCA]

Cali Guy, you're right, but it's extremely hard to put her out of my mind when every day as I pull in the parking lot and see or walk by her car. I immediately think of good times she and I and the kids had in that car or try to figure out where to park so as to avoid running into her or even seeing her. It's like a constant reminder. I know if she wasn't there it would be a lot easier to move on ... but that's the danger of an office romance.

 

It would always be something, trust me.

 

The funny thing is, we all make excuses to magnify what it is we all say we want to get away from. Its just her car, its not a picture of you two together, and its not a giant broken heart, but I remember doing the same thing with my ex. Just keep telling yourself its only a car, and you both have to park somewhere.

[CaliGuy]

Cali Guy, you're right, but it's extremely hard to put her out of my mind when every day as I pull in the parking lot and see or walk by her car.

 

I see my exes car at work every day too. It doesn't bother me anymore. Like I said, you will get over this eventually. When you WANT to.

 

I immediately think of good times she and I and the kids had in that car or try to figure out where to park so as to avoid running into her or even seeing her. It's like a constant reminder. I know if she wasn't there it would be a lot easier to move on ... but that's the danger of an office romance.

 

True. Live and learn. That is the risk of an office romance for sure but it doesn't have to control your life. Remember: If you are not in control of your thoughts and feelings then your thoughts and feelings control you.

 

What I have leanrned after many years on this site is that healing and getting over someone is a matter of choice. You choose to move on with life or you choose to wallow in the past. It's still a CHOICE no matter what.

[Eisenhower]

Cali, I agree with you to a point, but to say it's a choice is too easy. I would love to NOT feel the pain of a broken heart, and would gladly choose not to, but right now, I don't feel I have that choice. For the person who dose the dumping, yes, they have a choice, they make it and it's no big deal because they're getting what they want. For the dumpee, I don't think it's really a "choice" to be miserable as much as it is a process you just have to go through. But the little things like seeing a car everyday or hearing her come up in conversation with friends, yes, they do make the healing process more difficult.

 

Eisenhower

[jean valjean]

Eisenhower

 

your experience sounds like mine although mine was a shorter lived shooting star. Felt like I had found my Maria from West side Story it was so intense. Even left my wife of 23 years for her and now just sit in an empty condo eating bad bean dinners. I am still hurt after 35 days NC but feel okay enough now to keep her (ex gf) as a friend and nothing more.

 

My points:

 

1. You were in a very precarious situation to begin with. Rebound warning. Your gf was looking for someone to help deal with her pain. People in rebound often Fall too fast then wake up later.

2. Obviously she moved on and lost interest in you for any number of reasons - happens all the time (happened to me).

3. She found another guy and does not want to lead you on. Obviously she is very interested in him and he is not the rebound.

4. Only reason she is calling is to be friends (shows she has no feelings for you) just want another friend in her life. This will be hard to do for you unless you can give up all feelings for her like I did in my case( at least I Hope I did !)

5. Don't saddle her with relationship questions anymore it is a waste of time for both of you and more drama that you don't need . Just move on.

6. Don't blame her for anything, she is coming out of a tumultous time and great uncertainty in her life. It will be easier for you to move on if you take this approach and do not hold a grudge. At the end of the day we are only human.

[Eisenhower]

Jean, I agree with most of your points but a couple. I'm not sure she is seeing anyone in any serious way - I believe her when she says she's still neither ready nor wanting a "relationship." If anything, I think the pressure of our relationship made her long for the freedom she's never really known as an adult (she'd been married to the guy she started dating in tenth grade). I think she's probably just having fun with her friends and has gone out a couple times with the guy she mentioned, but even though that feels like a betrayal to me since I wanted her back, I believe her when she says she's not "with anyone."

 

The other thing is, even if I'm wrong and she is, it's still another rebound. If not from divorce than from me. We've only been apart about 7 months and her life is still as messed up as it was then. I guarantee you she's no more grounded or ready for a real relationship than she was with me. If she thinks she is (which even she says she isn't), she'd be fooling herself. If she's interested in somone else it's because there's no tension there - once there is, it would never stand up - she's not ready for it.

 

At any rate, it makes no difference in the scheme of things - I'm NC and intend to keep it that way. I don't begrudge her being screwed up from divorce, I just begrudge her not being willing to work things out rather than bail. I think she believed all the self-help post-divorce books she reads that the first relationship after divorce never lasts and she just gave up even trying.

 

Eisenhower

[jean valjean]

I understand there is always more to it then meets the eye. Still, bottom line is she just was not feeling it enough to make an effort like you said to keep the relationship. For any number of reasons she is not interested enough to make it work, whether she talked herself into it, was influenced by a book or radio show, or decided that she would rather be free. Her actions are speaking very loudly.

Try to undertand and don't hold it against her or you will

damage any poss of a reunion and pioson your own heart for the future. People change. Maybe she was not right for you in the LT. Better she bails now then 15 years from now.

 

Best you can do is NC. It is the only way to send her a wake up call if you don'thear from her the answer is very clear she is not interested in pursuing anything romantically. with you. Listen to her actions and not her words to get at the truth.

 

At this rate, she is showing little interest (except for job prospecting and poss. keeping you as a friend), so move on. Either NC forever or eventually aim for friendship.

Edited October 27, 2009 by jean valjean

[Eisenhower]

Agreed. Thanks.

 

Eisenhower

[learnfrommymistakes]

Hi

I feel your pain and understand. I do. I dont have great advice cause others really stated some things better than I even could, but I wanted to reach out and send a hug and tell you i am sorry you are going through such pain. Breakups and so hard, gut wrenching, and there is a lot of confusion and pain when it involves all those things you mentioned. It seems she is not in any good place to be with you, and probably needs to be alone or casually date for a while. I was involved with someone with loved me, and i loved deelpy...he was getting a divorce and its a long story...

 

BUT i thought once he was divorced, separated, I would be THE ONE..but in reality he was wrecked from his divorce, even tho he wanted it badly, it just beat him up on so many levels, guilt, kids, wife devastated..and tho he really did fall hard for me....he was not ready to go from all that emotion and pain, to something new with me, even tho he was now free to do it.

 

regardless of the love shared, someone out of a divorce needs time to heal I think, and be alone for a while...and perhaps date around..which is so painful to you....but it probably is not about you, its abt her need to find a new normal and safe place...and not just jump into this full speed ahead without time to heal...

 

God bless and may the pain lessen for u.....hugs

[Eisenhower]

That is so beautifully written and so on target - thank you for saying those things. I really appreciate it.

 

I believe you are right to a tee. We got involved too fast and she wasn't ready to be involved seriously as evidenced by her reluctance to let people know, etc. She is carrying a LOT of guilt about divorce and has not let it go. I try to understand that it is about her not me, but it still hurts, of course.

 

And I understand what you're saying about she may need to date around before she realizes what she lost when she threw in the towel on us. I know what you're saying is right, but of course it hurts to even think about it.

 

Again, thank you for understanding - it really helps to know someone gets it. Thank you.

 

Eisenhower