symbol Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 My ex and I had been together for more than 7 years when he broke up with me 4 years ago (sorry, miscalculated, that's why I have 5 years in the title). I went on NC and have been on NC ever since. We're both academics and I saw him at a conference last January. We had brief eye contact and I turned my head but I could see that he was still looking at me while walking away. A friend of mine saw him right after this and said his face was all white like he was extremely sad or something. (She told me this before I told her about what happened.) He has been on my web site numerous times since September 2008. I know this because of the tracker I have on my web page. I was not able to confirm that it was him for sure but now that he's at a new institution, his IP address shows his name as part of the server's name, so now I'm 100% sure it's him. He's been on my web page 3 times in the past 5 weeks. I think I still have feelings for him and can't help but think that he might have feelings for me as well since he's googled my name so many times (I can see he's googled, because that's how he ends up in my web site and the tracker shows this). So, my question is, shall I send him a friendly email congratulating him on his new job? I understand that I should do this without expectations but obviously that's going to be difficult. Can anyone see why I should NOT contact him? Thanks!
Lamak Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Why did you two break up in the first place for so long? Have you had any other relationships since then/new life experiences since then?
Author symbol Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 We were both grad students when we broke up and we were in a long-distance relationship for two years due to grad school. It was a really stressful time for both of us and especially for me. I think we just didn't have the energy to deal with our relationship problems in addition to all the academic problems we were facing with at the time. I did date a guy for a while since our break up and I know he had a girlfriend for some time.
2sure Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 The only reason I can see to not contact him is the fact that he knows where you are , has visited your site and has chosen to NOT contact you. So, he has chosen to not contact you for a reason. Maybe he is curious, but not interested. Maybe he is afraid of rejection. Maybe he is married or attached.
Leveller Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Greetings my fellow academic. IMO wait for a while (perhaps a month) and drop him an olive branch (e-mail) to see where the land lies. Life's too short than wondering what if... As Shakespeare wrote in King Lear "Nothing Comes of Nothing, speak again"...
Author symbol Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 Thank you for your reply 2sure. I was thinking about this too. Why has he not got into contact with me? When he first visited my web site I thought it was pure curiosity and I understand that might be the only reason why he's been on my web site. But there isn't much that's changing on web site. Why has he been on it for so many times, especially in the last 5 weeks? 3 times in 5 weeks? He usually visits late at night and apparently he's still in his office at 11pm on Friday nights. So, maybe he's feeling lonely? But again, as much as I feel lonely, I don't go to his web site... He might be afraid of rejection. After all, I turned my head when I saw him at that conference. And he knows I am stubborn and hard to forgive... But I don't want to think this way because I'm afraid it would give me false hopes... Just that he seems to be spending his weekend night in his office, I kind of assumed he was not attached. But maybe he's in a long distance relationship? As you can see, I am quite confused right now...
Author symbol Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 Hi Leveller! Why do you think I should wait a month? To be sure of what I want to do?
2sure Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Hey!!! Novel Idea! Why not be honest? lol. "I see you've stopped by my site...how come you never say hello? "
Leveller Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Hi Leveller! Why do you think I should wait a month? To be sure of what I want to do? In part but because I think it is very likely he will contact you. I also think he is afraid of rejection and probably trying to pluck up the courage.
Author symbol Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 Hey!!! Novel Idea! Why not be honest? lol. "I see you've stopped by my site...how come you never say hello? " That's funny 2sure! You know, I might have done something like that if it wasn't him... I think it might just make him think that I don't care... One needs a better sense of humor I guess! ))
la_ant Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Just pick up the phone and call him. I have been looking at this young woman's website, who and I am not calling her because I am afraid she doesn't want to talk to me. Now, it's clear that he's thinking about you. Just call him. And if you know another woman like this, then tell her to call me. Haha
Author symbol Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 I wonder if he's still feeling guilty about leaving me 4 years ago. Maybe he feels guilty and wants to make sure that I'm okay so that he can get relief and maybe he's looking for some evidence that I've been doing well since the breakup? Would people feel guilty about a breakup for that long?
Author symbol Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 (edited) Ok. I will update my situation for anyone interested out there. I had promised to myself that I would send him an email if he were to visit my web page again. He did visit my web page yesterday and today I sent him an email and I got a response after only 35 minutes!!! Anyways, my email was friendly but not overly friendly and I basically congratulated him on his new job and told a little bit about my new job and that was it. It was a very short email. As I've mentioned before, he got back to me in 35 minutes. The tone of his email was exactly the same as mine, although he was a little more "chatty". He starts the email saying that it's great to hear from me and thanks for my email. Then he says some things about how he once met someone that used to work where I work now and he heard good things about the state I just moved in. Then he starts talking about himself and how he's adapting to his new job. All the conversation is about our professional lives though. He then thanks once again for my email. I kind of knew that this would be how things would have turned out, that we would exchange friendly emails. I feel better about myself and about the whole break up thing. It almost feels as if a burden has been shifted off my shoulders. I think I'm closer to finally getting closure more than ever. I still haven't made up my mind on whether I want to send him a reply. He doesn't ask specific questions but kind of leaves the door open for further exchange. In any case, I don't think I will reply to him right away, as he did. I just wanted to share it with the fellow LS'ers. Thanks for all the support! Edited November 3, 2009 by symbol
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