Looking at 6 months...

[Sevenscars]

Many of you in the beginning stages of a breakup may be wondering how you will fare a few months down the line, and others beyond my point might look back and chuckle, or whatever it is you do according to how you felt... but here I am, at around 6 months, and I was hoping to share my thoughts and feelings.

 

Still I am slightly bitter. This is due to the way she handled everything, and what she could have done instead of what she did -- after all that I had done for her and what we had gone through (if you knew the real story, you would RIOT).

 

I'm much stronger. I now see her for what she was, and wish I had left long before she did. The hurt is still there occasionally, for what was and what could have been. It does not last long. The feeling is more of a... "you made your choice, I am out of your life, live with it as I have too."

 

Since my last major post about when she sent those flurries of voicemails, texts, emails, etc, she has called me a few times. I haven't picked up. Once she sent me a message with a link to a news article, and that's all. I didn't click it. Just today she called me. She doesn't leave any voicemails anymore. I feel like she is doing it just to see if i'd pick up, nothing else.

 

She may not even know that I know about her cheating. As much as I would like her to know that I know, I realize that in the long run it doesn't really matter. It wouldn't change anything, and would probably bring more harm than good (as in, maybe even her being HAPPY that I know, relieving some of her guilt, who knows). That brings me to realizing that many things having to do with her don't matter. As in, if she comes up in my thoughts, I stop for a moment and ask -- does it really matter?

 

The answer is always a resounding no.

 

I'm not ready to forgive, and I don't know whether I ever will. I don't feel as though she deserves forgiveness...even though that goes against my very core values as a human being. Everyone deserves forgiveness. Maybe I'm just not ready to give it to her.

 

I have regained my confidence and self-esteem. I was a mess at the time of the breakup, and fixed myself up right quick afterward. I was left with no choice. Though one thing that's left me off a bit is my dealings with other girls.

 

She really broke me apart and destroyed my ego, faith, and trust. They are still being built back up, but it's really affected how I view girls. I may see a girl that i'm interested in, talk to her, etc...but it goes nowhere. In the back of my head, there's still something there that is telling me that it's not worth it; that no girl is worth it. It's prevented me from being able to maintain any sort of relationship with a girl or even start one, because I find it hard to trust just any girl with anything now. Maybe it's just me. Who knows.

 

That girl, she really did a number on me. If you asked me deep down what it is that I think is wrong with me dealing with girls, I would say it's a problem with being "real." I don't feel like I can be real with (most) girls anymore, lest they take advantage of that. I have to put up a front; put up walls; put on a mask. That's just not me, but I do it. And I freeze, and it's pretty bad. But I'm working on it, and it can only get better with time.

 

At almost 6 months, I can safely say that I've done a lot of work, improved even more, yet still have a long way to go.

[JaggedRoad]

She really broke me apart and destroyed my ego, faith, and trust. They are still being built back up, but it's really affected how I view girls. I may see a girl that i'm interested in, talk to her, etc...but it goes nowhere. In the back of my head, there's still something there that is telling me that it's not worth it; that no girl is worth it. It's prevented me from being able to maintain any sort of relationship with a girl or even start one, because I find it hard to trust just any girl with anything now. Maybe it's just me. Who knows.

 

I feel the same way about girls now, and my female friends (and relatives) only confirmed my worries. I think a lot of people have or had the same dilemma. Sometimes I wonder if I'll just end up single for the rest of my life because I don't want to trust anyone anymore, at least not the way I had with my ex. I don't like the feeling of needing to be with a person all the time to make her feel secure about a relationship. If she really can't find security and reason on her own, then why should I bother?

 

But thank you for your post. I hope I'll be where you're at in 4 months.

[contax]

Many of you in the beginning stages of a breakup may be wondering how you will fare a few months down the line, and others beyond my point might look back and chuckle, or whatever it is you do according to how you felt... but here I am, at around 6 months, and I was hoping to share my thoughts and feelings.

 

Still I am slightly bitter. This is due to the way she handled everything, and what she could have done instead of what she did -- after all that I had done for her and what we had gone through (if you knew the real story, you would RIOT).

 

I'm much stronger. I now see her for what she was, and wish I had left long before she did. The hurt is still there occasionally, for what was and what could have been. It does not last long. The feeling is more of a... "you made your choice, I am out of your life, live with it as I have too."

 

Since my last major post about when she sent those flurries of voicemails, texts, emails, etc, she has called me a few times. I haven't picked up. Once she sent me a message with a link to a news article, and that's all. I didn't click it. Just today she called me. She doesn't leave any voicemails anymore. I feel like she is doing it just to see if i'd pick up, nothing else.

 

She may not even know that I know about her cheating. As much as I would like her to know that I know, I realize that in the long run it doesn't really matter. It wouldn't change anything, and would probably bring more harm than good (as in, maybe even her being HAPPY that I know, relieving some of her guilt, who knows). That brings me to realizing that many things having to do with her don't matter. As in, if she comes up in my thoughts, I stop for a moment and ask -- does it really matter?

 

The answer is always a resounding no.

 

I'm not ready to forgive, and I don't know whether I ever will. I don't feel as though she deserves forgiveness...even though that goes against my very core values as a human being. Everyone deserves forgiveness. Maybe I'm just not ready to give it to her.

 

I have regained my confidence and self-esteem. I was a mess at the time of the breakup, and fixed myself up right quick afterward. I was left with no choice. Though one thing that's left me off a bit is my dealings with other girls.

 

She really broke me apart and destroyed my ego, faith, and trust. They are still being built back up, but it's really affected how I view girls. I may see a girl that i'm interested in, talk to her, etc...but it goes nowhere. In the back of my head, there's still something there that is telling me that it's not worth it; that no girl is worth it. It's prevented me from being able to maintain any sort of relationship with a girl or even start one, because I find it hard to trust just any girl with anything now. Maybe it's just me. Who knows.

 

That girl, she really did a number on me. If you asked me deep down what it is that I think is wrong with me dealing with girls, I would say it's a problem with being "real." I don't feel like I can be real with (most) girls anymore, lest they take advantage of that. I have to put up a front; put up walls; put on a mask. That's just not me, but I do it. And I freeze, and it's pretty bad. But I'm working on it, and it can only get better with time.

 

At almost 6 months, I can safely say that I've done a lot of work, improved even more, yet still have a long way to go.

 

You wrote very well. I applaud you. How long have you been n/c?

So crazy that you didn't even bring up the cheating. That's a brave n/c.

I feel what your saying. I too gave my heart and faith, only to have it broken hard! I am almost 6 months no contact - her trying to contact me every month so far...many times.

 

I really, REALLY admire that you talk of your values. I respect you man.

I stick to my prinicples as well. I'm happy when I come across guys like you too, cause sometimes I feel everyone is a cheat dudes and girls..

I have good friends who have integrity...please keep it going...you need to shine that n the world...Thanks for sharing that. It was genuine.

[Exit]

I'm right at six months too and it sounds like I'm about on par with where you're at. I've realized so many bad things about my ex, I remember other unfair things that she did to me with every single day that goes by, but I am not over her. I too see myself acting differently around girls, they all just seem like they have the potential to be heartless liars and I don't want to deal with it. But I also wish I could find someone new, I really think it would get me over this final stage of healing if I had a different girl to think about when I go to sleep and when I wake up. Not that I want to "use" a girl for this purpose, I do want to have real feelings for someone again.

 

I still feel quite terrible sometimes. I was reading another post yesterday and someone said something along the lines of "your ex isn't thinking about you, your ex is LIVING". It's so true. She has a new BF, a new job, a new car, and I've accepted all of that, but I think I still imagined that she was still thinking about me just about every day. But she probably isn't. It's been six whole months. I am already history to her. Meanwhile I feel like everything just happened recently. I guess that's why I stayed in contact for so long, I didn't want her to forget me. I guess it's only been 2 or 3 weeks of actual no contact, feels like an eternity.

Edited October 15, 2009 by Exit

[Odyssey]

It has also been 6 months for me. I have totally let go and accepted the fact that she's not the girl i thought she was. I guess all the bad things she has done clouded over the good now, and like you, i'm passed the point of caring ("it doesn't really matter"). I don't think about her much and certainly don't beat myself up over it. The most important thing for me, is that the pain has lifted and it feels refreshing, like i can breathe again.

 

I've been on a few dates, but i just don't feel i am ready yet. It's like a small part of me is still missing and i'm not my usual old witty self anymore. Cautious. Maybe i'm slightly jaded... maybe my confidence have taken a knock, or i'm growing a tiny bit more as a person with each breakup, i don't really know. I certainly see things from more angles than before.

 

But it's definitely moving in the right direction now - almost there.

[Sevenscars]

I feel the same way about girls now, and my female friends (and relatives) only confirmed my worries. I think a lot of people have or had the same dilemma. Sometimes I wonder if I'll just end up single for the rest of my life because I don't want to trust anyone anymore, at least not the way I had with my ex. I don't like the feeling of needing to be with a person all the time to make her feel secure about a relationship. If she really can't find security and reason on her own, then why should I bother?

 

But thank you for your post. I hope I'll be where you're at in 4 months.

 

There will come a time eventually when you find someone worth trusting... when? You'll never know until it happens. But you're right, you shouldn't need someone all the time to feel secure about a relationship. That's a lesson everyone needs to learn.

 

You wrote very well. I applaud you. How long have you been n/c?

So crazy that you didn't even bring up the cheating. That's a brave n/c.

I feel what your saying. I too gave my heart and faith, only to have it broken hard! I am almost 6 months no contact - her trying to contact me every month so far...many times.

 

I really, REALLY admire that you talk of your values. I respect you man.

I stick to my prinicples as well. I'm happy when I come across guys like you too, cause sometimes I feel everyone is a cheat dudes and girls..

I have good friends who have integrity...please keep it going...you need to shine that n the world...Thanks for sharing that. It was genuine.

 

I've been NC for over 150 days. She has been NC for 1 day. I would love to throw the whole cheating thing in her face...but what's the point? If she doesn't feel anything about it now, she wouldn't anyway. If she does, me bringing it up will only serve to assuage her guilt.

 

6 months NC, that's really something... good for you.

 

I have values, but I'm not perfect. I do want her to feel guilty. I do want her to be hurting. That's just me being human: hate, torment, revenge. I want to transcend the bounds of a regressive spiritual nature and just forget and let go. That way, my higher self will release all the feelings of hurt, because any negative feeling I have is just me, and affects only me. Maybe with time...

 

And thank you for the genuine response.

 

I'm right at six months too and it sounds like I'm about on par with where you're at. I've realized so many bad things about my ex, I remember other unfair things that she did to me with every single day that goes by, but I am not over her. I too see myself acting differently around girls, they all just seem like they have the potential to be heartless liars and I don't want to deal with it. But I also wish I could find someone new, I really think it would get me over this final stage of healing if I had a different girl to think about when I go to sleep and when I wake up. Not that I want to "use" a girl for this purpose, I do want to have real feelings for someone again.

 

I still feel quite terrible sometimes. I was reading another post yesterday and someone said something along the lines of "your ex isn't thinking about you, your ex is LIVING". It's so true. She has a new BF, a new job, a new car, and I've accepted all of that, but I think I still imagined that she was still thinking about me just about every day. But she probably isn't. It's been six whole months. I am already history to her. Meanwhile I feel like everything just happened recently. I guess that's why I stayed in contact for so long, I didn't want her to forget me. I guess it's only been 2 or 3 weeks of actual no contact, feels like an eternity.

 

It's funny that with time, you start seeing holes in the other person's facade. It really downgrades your feelings for them. Maybe we need to learn not to put someone too high upon a pedestal. It never goes well.

 

I want a new girl, too. I really want someone to share my life with. But it's for the best that we learn to be alone first, before we learn to be with someone else.

 

2 or 3 weeks of NC is a good start. You'll only get better with time. Forget the girl, if she's already found someone else that really tells you what kind of girl she is. Don't get trapped...

 

It has also been 6 months for me. I have totally let go and accepted the fact that she's not the girl i thought she was. I guess all the bad things she has done clouded over the good now, and like you, i'm passed the point of caring ("it doesn't really matter"). I don't think about her much and certainly don't beat myself up over it. The most important thing for me, is that the pain has lifted and it feels refreshing, like i can breathe again.

 

I've been on a few dates, but i just don't feel i am ready yet. It's like a small part of me is still missing and i'm not my usual old witty self anymore. Cautious. Maybe i'm slightly jaded... maybe my confidence have taken a knock, or i'm growing a tiny bit more as a person with each breakup, i don't really know. I certainly see things from more angles than before.

 

But it's definitely moving in the right direction now - almost there.

 

That's such a good feeling! Being able to...BREATHE. Without all the weight of another person's mess upon you. I wonder what it is that is making us hesitant towards new girls. Still hurt, trust still broken? I guess it'll heal...in time for all of us to find a real sweetheart.

 

"Cautious" may be the right word. Jaded, too...I have felt jaded quite a bit lately. It'll pass...

 

I believe that you grow with each major life change. A breakup being one of them. It makes you change your whole paradigm -- everything you knew has been turned around. For the better, even if you can't see it at the moment. If someone walks away from you, they weren't worth being with in the first place.

 

 

The general theme here seems to be how it takes a while to fully heal, and even be prepared for something new. It's pretty insane how long these feelings last. But hey, it's all a part of growing, isn't it? And that's the point of a relationship, whether together or apart -- growth.

 

I really want a girlfriend, though maybe for the wrong reasons. There is still a lot I need to learn.

[TheLoneSock]

Hey man, sorry for your pain, it will get even better in the near future for you. I too felt that way about girls in general after a pretty bad breakup. It took me nearly a year to start looking at girls in a good light again, I stayed single and nearly celibate the whole time, but eventually it happened. 6 months is a good place to be, in the next 6 months you'll grow even stronger, I promise.

 

Keep your head up and walk like a man, you WILL get there. And when you do you'll be a force to be reckoned with in the dating world.

[adamt]

i was devestated at my break up 4.5 month ago. felt i would never get over her. couldnt eat or sleep for a while..etc then i decided to join a gym and try new things and catch up with all my friends and went on a couple of vacations. lost 14lbs in weight, got fitter and leaner and rebuilding my confidence. now i have new hobbies and interests i have things to talk about. I started to see flaws in my ex girlfriend.

 

last week i decided i should give a dating website a go. got interest from about 35 women. however only 1 stood out and she looks stunning and intelligent. it felt good that a pretty looking girl has taken an interest in me. so i replied to her message and she replied back. Nothing may come of it but it has helped me to move on and think about someone else. getting the old butterfies back. nervous and excited at the same time. I will just go with the flow and not rush things. My emotions are still abit raw though.

 

Alll i can recommend from my experience is to not contact the ex, work on yourself,keep busy, new hobbies, get fitter,become an interesting person to meet with lots of hobbies and interests. Most of all do not rush things, go at your on pace. although you do need to push yourself sometimes. dont feel pressured that you have to find another relationship quickly

[Odyssey]

Nothing may come of it but it has helped me to move on and think about someone else. getting the old butterfies back. nervous and excited at the same time.

Don't get me wrong, it is fun and makes me feel really great that someone is taking an interest in me But i don't get the butterflies anymore - I'm not even nervous. It like i'm not expecting the date to go one way or another (even if it goes south, i don't care)...in fact...there's no expectations at all. Strange. Not sure if this is a good thing because I didn't used to be like this.

[cdt76]

Don't get me wrong, it is fun and makes me feel really great that someone is taking an interest in me But i don't get the butterflies anymore - I'm not even nervous. It like i'm not expecting the date to go one way or another (even if it goes south, i don't care)...in fact...there's no expectations at all. Strange. Not sure if this is a good thing because I didn't used to be like this.

 

 

I'm only 3 months out, 2 months no contact. But I hear what you are saying. I feel the same way. You can actually spin it in a beneficial way for you though too. You can use the apathy when talking to women. You can start conversations without fear of rejection or fear in general because you just don't care one way or the other about the outcome. If a girl doesn't want to talk and or rejects your advances, so be it. That's the way I look at it.

[Meaplus3]

Congrats to you for coming so far in 6 months. It took well over a year to get past an ea I has with a MM. But, as time went on, I became stronger and stronger and things got much better. Hang in there and do stick with NC. You will be past all of this before you know it.

 

Mea:)

[onewillburn]

Sorry if I missed this in your post, but are you at 6 months NC or 6 months since the break up? 6 months NC is quite impressive and it's great that you've been able to maintain strength throughout the affair. That's a battle I've been fighting off and on since summer started. It's crazy how much certain break-ups can teach you about yourself. They really challenge your principles and occasionally make you reevaluate them like you have.

 

I thought I would be able to forgive my ex, but after seeing how petty and resentful she was towards me last night, I don't know that I want to. She left me in the dust, and she's bitter? I love when the dumper tries to victimize themself and magically absolve themself of all wrongdoing.

 

Congratulations, though. It seems like a lot of people stop posting around four months NC, so it's always cool to hear an update later on.

[adamt]

I'm only 3 months out, 2 months no contact. But I hear what you are saying. I feel the same way. You can actually spin it in a beneficial way for you though too. You can use the apathy when talking to women. You can start conversations without fear of rejection or fear in general because you just don't care one way or the other about the outcome. If a girl doesn't want to talk and or rejects your advances, so be it. That's the way I look at it.

 

Very true, you don't even have to talk to the opposite sex with the intention of wanting to chat them up. Just get used to talking without any strings attached. you may relax and talk easier with no pressure. nothign wrong with friendly chat. If you can get yourself on a good dating website with plenty of people then give that a try. You don't have to actively go looking for someone, just stick yourself on there and see who takes an interest in you. You might be surprised and boost your confidence. Before doing any of that you have to work on yourself and give the impression that you are an interesting person with lots going on. Good thing about a website is that you don't have to deal with rejectioin in person.

Edited October 16, 2009 by adamt