Matthewjames Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 (edited) This could be quite a long story, so I'm going to shorten it down loads so I don't bore you all to tears, haha. ._. Basically, I've been with my girlfriend now for almost a year, as of next month. We got together under precarious circumstances to say the least, she had not long broken up with her 14 month ex, 3 weeks before. He broke it off with her due to "not wanting a relationship" She wasn't "over him" at all. They used to flirt back when we first got together, once quite full on. I found out and laid it all down, she broke down crying saying she'd not talk to him if it meant keeping me in her life. I'm too nice however, and I told her she can do as she likes. I told her I love her and just wanted her to be happy.... But if that ever happened again, then I'd be gone. She's been his friend the whole time through but not really spoken to him this past month until today. She recently started a full time placement at her new job, and has been seriously stressed with it all. She has insecurity issues, and gets very jealous of me talking to girls. Recently it's taken a massive dive and she's become more anxious, she's fine most of the time.. but then once a week or so it hits hard and putsa downer on the rest of the week, until I see her come the weekend. The weekends are perfect, and we have such a great time. She's always really close to me, saying she's never felt this way about anyone else. And wants to move in with me in the future, etc. She spoke to him today, Basically saying they never speak anymore, and then he started talking about how he wants a girlfriend now. And then she mentioned how he talks to a lot of girls, and he doesn't think he can get any girl but she thinks he can. Then he basically started telling her she was gorgeous when she said she was insecure about her looks, and how nothing's changed. So she goes on to mention how the year of them being broken up has gone so fast... Yaddayadda. Eventually he mentioned me saying "but you have Matt so why does it matter?" "I think he can do better than me sometimes" was her response. Is this something I have a reason to be jealous of? Or maybe even slightly upset? I feel as if she is seeking reassurance from her ex, knowing how I feel about her. Or maybe even she's not over him, or just wants his attention? I'm seriously confused! I'm always telling her how much I think the world of her. And think she's beautiful... but it never seems to help. ]: Edited October 14, 2009 by Matthewjames
lora22 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Sounds like she has low self-esteem. Not your problem, her problem, and there's nothing you can do to fix her low self-esteem. She has to work on that herself. I wouldn't trust someone with low self-esteem in a situation like the one you described. Sounds like their both testing the waters, so to speak.
Author Matthewjames Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 Yeah, She's insisted for a long while she is now over him. And she hardly talks to him anymore, this is probably the first time in a month. She hasn't seen him in person for way longer... It just seems as if she still needs a confidence boost from him, Which makes me feel really bad. I don't know what to do about the whole situation. I know mentioning this to her will just make it worse...
fabulous_chk Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 You must insist on complete NC between these two. I repeat: complete NC. This is my current situation right now. I'm seeing somebody who I think is wonderful and deserves better than me. And I have just broken up with my ex seven months ago. This is what's gonna happen. Her a$$h.0.l.e of an ex will play with her self-esteem and put her down, make her doubt about you, will make himself a more suitable alternative. You know what happened to me? I ended up sleeping with my ex. You don't want this happening to your girl. Remove her from his influence. I'm not sure what the right approach is about her self-esteem issues but for me a lot of "I love yous" and attention seems to work. Good luck.
Author Matthewjames Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 I don't think her ex is that sort of guy. He's very arrogant, but he wouldn't try putting her down. I get the feeling that he's testing the water a little, to see what he can get away with though. I've always been affectionate with her, I tell her I love her probably at LEAST once a day when she goes to bed. Or when we get off the phone. And yeah, she knows I think she's gorgeous. I tell her a lot! I just don't know what to do with this situation. It's a bit of a minefield, if I talk to her about her insecurities it might just make things worse. At the same time I feel as if she's wanting reassurance from him as well?
lora22 Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 She has low self-esteem. Therefore, your good opinion isn't enough for her. NO ONE'S will ever be enough for her.
lkjh Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 I agree with lora22, you need to stay away from people with low self-esteem.
Author Matthewjames Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 Yeah, she does. Her family haven't helped in the past either, mostly her Stepdad. I love her so much though, I'm just afraid she needs constant reassurance... From me, or other people [her ex].
stace79 Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Well personally I think you made a mistake saying it's okay for her to still talk to him. Nothing good ever comes of it. My fiance refused for so long to stop talking to his exgf. He compromised that he wouldn't see her in person, but that was it. She used to text him once in awhile, drunk, at 3 am. He would chat with her on IMs, she'd call him whenever she felt like it. There was one week she emailed him every day of the week. I finally had enough and broke up with him. Then he realized I was serious. He agreed to not have any contact with her ever again in order for us to get back together (among a few other things we needed to work on). I will never again concede to a SO talking to an ex if it makes me uncomfortable. You should not have to put up with it. It's mean and manipulative, and frankly if she needs to talk to him so much, then she doesn't need you, too. I wouldn't care what the reason was. I say put your foot down, or walk away.
dreamergrl Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 You kind of put yourself in this situation because you didn't set boundaries. I'd try to fix it now, but you gave her the green light a while ago for this.
seibert253 Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Where there's smoke, there's fire. All A;s begin with "innocent" conversation. The fact that she has esteem issues makes it easier for her ex to stroke her ego and make her feel good about herself and him. I can tell you from experience, she may be "over him", but give it time and she'll be right back "into him", or he'll be "into her", literally and figurably.
Spectre Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 You must insist on complete NC between these two. I repeat: complete NC. This is my current situation right now. I'm seeing somebody who I think is wonderful and deserves better than me. And I have just broken up with my ex seven months ago. This is what's gonna happen. Her a$$h.0.l.e of an ex will play with her self-esteem and put her down, make her doubt about you, will make himself a more suitable alternative. You know what happened to me? I ended up sleeping with my ex. You don't want this happening to your girl. Remove her from his influence. I'm not sure what the right approach is about her self-esteem issues but for me a lot of "I love yous" and attention seems to work. Good luck. If the girl is that weak and easily influenced into sleeping with an ex, then I'd say good riddance. Let it happen, then at least he knows the type of girl he's dealing with. Plus let's face it, nobody can talk you into screwing them but you. You chose to bang your ex because that's just the type of person you are. If a guy has to keep his gf away from her exes out of fear she will go and bang them, well then..chick isn't the right person for him. So if this guys gf goes and sleeps with her ex, he will know for sure she can't possibly love him.
Ash20 Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Hey, I agree with lora22. I'll tell you a little something that I've recently learned about girls with especially low self esteem. This is coming from experience (my bf has this friend, and she has low self esteem). No matter how many times you tell her you love her, she's gorgeous, etc. it will never be enough. She will constantly look for this reassurance in other guys as well (whether it be her ex or some other guy). Like lora22 said, it will never be enough from ANYBODY. Take my bf's friend for instance...she is always trying to get attention from guys, and she refuses to settle down with a bf. She is constantly after my bf for attention, and no matter how much attention he gives her, it is never enough, she always wants more. She doesn't like me because "I got more attention from him than she did"...these were her exact words (even though I'm dating the guy, and she's not). And after I got him to stop giving her so much attention (because it was ruining our relationship), she sent him an email saying if he doesn't call her more and pay more attention to her and keep it up, then the friendship is over. Now, I'm not saying this is exactly what your gf is doing. I'm just showing you a specific instance of someone with low self esteem. If you really want the relationship to work out, maybe go see a counselor? I realize this can be a touchy issue, so maybe you start off just you seeing a counselor and putting the situation out there to get some suggestions? Then maybe after a little bit you can gradually bring your gf into the counseling? It's just a suggestion. An objective party can give a lot of helpful advice sometimes. I really hope things work out for you!
boldjack Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 When she said,"he can do better than me", this should be a tremendous Red flag. One of the most used expressions a person uses who is having second thought in a relationship, is "You could do better than me",. She is thinking about her ex and going back to him, but is trying to assuage her guilt, by making it seem that she is doing it for your sake. instead of her.
Analyticalhope Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I have to agree with Boldjack that the comment "he can do better than me" said to the ex is a big red flag as it sounds like an excuse to ease her guilt if she leaves you. It is also something quite intimate to admit and the fact that she is admitting it to the ex would make me feel jealous and spark doubts as she is turning to him rather than you.
hisprincess41407 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I agree, NC between the two of them. My boyfriend and I just recently broke up and all along he had this girl who he had dated years ago. He always asked me if I was okay with him talking to her. He insisted there would never be anything between them, that the relationship was terrible and it was so long ago he didn't even really love her he was too young. Well come to find out he cheated on me with her and is with her now (I'm not sure in what ways because he says they are having problems) but all in all I once asked him what was so important about her that he had to keep in touch with her and he didn't have an answer, I should've known that the silence tells it all. I don't know if he loves her and I want him back (stupidly I know) but anyway back to you, if she can't stop all contact with him then there is a reason.
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