tkgirl Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 So I tried to be friends with my ex recently... it didn't work! what I mean is, I still had feelings for him and while it was better to be friends with him rather than hate him.. like I did for a while... it was much easier when we just sort of stopped "hanging out" and I didn't have to pretend I was cool with everything.. I wasn't... Anyho.. now I have this friend who is doing the same thing.. being friends with a guy that she once dated and I know she wants more with him.. but is "settling" for friendship. She is hoping he will come around and decide he really likes her and wants to be with her... but I think she is fooling herself. Maybe I'm a little sceptical after what happened to me but... Anybody here ever "change their mind" after breaking up with someone but remained friends with them.. only to discover later that you really did like them after all and you got back together... ever????
carhill Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 If the romantic attraction and feelings are gone and what remains is civil and mutually supportive, IMO friendship is possible if sufficient commonalities exist. As long as one of the parties harbors attraction and/or romantic feelings, such a 'friendship' will likely be unhealthy for that person. If my stbx had the same interest in and care for me that my friends do, I'd have no problem being friends. Unfortunately, I don't see that happening. I'll continue to remain civil and 'friendly', but that is my path, not specific to her. TBH, and I've gone through the sacrifice of attraction for friendship a few times in my life, I wouldn't be able to switch back anymore. Too many negative emotions attached to that length of time being unrequited. YMMV
xpaperxcutx Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Yeah I changed my mind, but then I regretted it immediately afterward. If a relationship is over, then it is over. The possibility of a remediation cannot occur because of several factors such as new relationships and previous enmities. And if they do, the chances are slim and next to none. People who delude themselves to being friends suffer emotional attachment to the object of their desire. The few who are on friendly terms broke things off amicably and can avoid the awkwardness associated with having a previous history together. Unless both person can maintain things on a platonic level, a friendship involving exes can be extremely disastrous.
trueblue72ny Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 from my experience it never works out. and i dont know anyone that it has. unless, like carhill stated, there are no more romantic feelings between the two. im sure there are other situations ou there, like someone got married and both parties actually respect that.
lofi_tokyo Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 I'm friends with an ex - totally JUST friends - and it works fine! We broke up over four years ago though, so it took us a while to get to this point. For maybe two years we'd talk about... 3 times a year? Now we see each other weekly, because we're part of the same social group, and things are fine between us. I should mention though that it was only when I accepted that he was no longer attracted to me romantically that we really became friends though. Before then, when we DID see eachother, I think part of me kept searching for some sort of sign he still thought I was cute, he could tell, and it turned him off of even talking to me. As for getting back together with an ex? Well my very close female friend dumped a guy she dated for about three months out of the blue about 6 years ago. She just wasn't feeling it. The guy accepted the break up, didn't try to be friends with her immediately, but remained friendly if he ran into her, and sent her the odd e-mail just to keep in touch. After four years of them hanging out once or twice a year to catch up, they got back together. They've been happily dating two years now. They both dated other people during their time apart. My girlfriend actually went to Australia for a year. So being FRIENDLY worked for them - they got back together - but they were not close friends or anything, as I already said, they hardly talked, but when they did it was nice, platonic, chats about life.
sumdude Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Hmmm... two situations come to mind. 11 years ago I had a month long fling with someone who was a friend. She ended it. Then I met my ex wife who I was with for 7 1/2 years. During that time I was still in the same group of and would see the first ex, we were civil and 'friendly' but not friends who would hang out together other than social scenes. A while after the divorce we hooked back up for a little while again. That ended, we don't really get in contact anymore. So I guess we were never just friends really. Now I'm in an interesting pickle. I tried to start a band with a woman who plays and sings. Surprise to me that she came on to me. We had a 5 month relationship that she ended. I guess it was an FWB thing. Now again I'm in a situation where I'm reforming a band and she is the only person available and talented. So we're trying to be friends and musical partners now. I still have some feelings for her though I know that we're probably not meant for each other. Not sure what her feelings are. Fact is that at least for me and I suspect for her there is that underlying sexual tension. Quite a challenge but I'm going to face this as maturely as possible. Time will tell.
lora22 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 NO. Attempting to rekindle a romantic relationship under the guise of being "friends" does not work, and it seriously f*cks up any romantic relationships the unattached party attempts to engage in thereafter. I think such a ruse is incredibly selfish, unhealthy and immature on the part of BOTH parties involved.
sumdude Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 NO. Attempting to rekindle a romantic relationship under the guise of being "friends" does not work, and it seriously f*cks up any romantic relationships the unattached party attempts to engage in thereafter. I think such a ruse is incredibly selfish, unhealthy and immature on the part of BOTH parties involved. I agree to a point. IF the idea is to try to revive the romantic Frankenstein by being friends then you are setting yourself up for pain. Thing is there are rare situations when people get back together after a break up but that's not the way to do it.
lora22 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 I agree to a point. IF the idea is to try to revive the romantic Frankenstein by being friends then you are setting yourself up for pain. Thing is there are rare situations when people get back together after a break up but that's not the way to do it. Yes, that is exactly my point, and my understanding was that this is what the OP was asking as well, not simply "can ex's be friends." I thought she was specifically asking if pretending to be "friends" in order to rekindle a romantic relationship ever results in actually rekindling a romantic relationship. This is the exact situation that my ex-bf put me in with his ex-gf. So I'm very opinionated (and probably bitter) on this topic.
fatamus Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 I am still friends with 2 girls I dated within the past year, one for a few months the other off and on. Nothing serious it ended because there was no spark just a good time, we still talk. Third girl I wanted to remain friends with but she said she has strong feelings for me and that won’t work for her so I understand and we haven’t contacted one another. I can never be anything to my only long term ex as I won’t forgive her for as long as I live. The feelings there are just too strong. I say if the breakup was not too bad and you guys never lived together then sure you can keep contact just act civil. If you were serious/lived together and had a nasty breakup then forget it.
alphamale Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 So I tried to be friends with my ex recently... it didn't work! no kidding
boogieboy Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 (edited) its not "friends" when one of the parties wants more. It can NEVER be "friends" when one of the parties wants more. Edited October 15, 2009 by boogieboy
pandagirl Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 You can be friends with an ex, for sure. But as everyone has indicated, not if one of you wants more than just "Friends." I've been trying to be "friends" with a guy for the last 18 months. Neither one of us wants to date the other, but it doesn't mean we aren't attracted to each other. It's a lesson to try to control those, uh, urges. But you can do it!
Vertex Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Usually I find that the less serious a relationship was, the easier it is to be friends afterward. For the more serious relationships, more time had to pass before any sort of friendship/conversation could be had. It's a real shame, sometimes.
Author tkgirl Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 Yes, that is exactly my point, and my understanding was that this is what the OP was asking as well, not simply "can ex's be friends." I thought she was specifically asking if pretending to be "friends" in order to rekindle a romantic relationship ever results in actually rekindling a romantic relationship. This is the exact situation that my ex-bf put me in with his ex-gf. So I'm very opinionated (and probably bitter) on this topic. yep, that's what I was asking... and I totally get the bitter thing too! no kidding LOL alphamale! its not "friends" when one of the parties wants more. It can NEVER be "friends" when one of the parties wants more. yep, that's what I think too... I just wish I could tell my friend this because I think she's going to end up hurt.. again! I had to learn this the hard way myself... not that I wold (or could have!) done it any other way!
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I stayed friends with a very toxic ex. Things were actually just fine for like a year. Seriously - we were completely platonic. Then I was breaking up with my new BF and was hurting about that and was considering taking back the toxic ex just to not be alone. I didn't even have feelings for him and I knew it wasn't going to work out. Cripes. I think the friend thing only works if there are absolutely ZERO feelings left for either party. I actually am friends with one of my xbfs. Totally sweet guy - there just wasn't passion. So when we broke up, we had both basically fizzled out of the relationship. Zero residual feelings on either of our parts. So yes, I feel comfortable being friends with this one. Just depends on the dynamic of the relationship. If there was a great deal of passion (whether good or bad), it could be very hard to step into "just friends."
gypsy_nicky Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 By friends do you mean hanging out, doing stuff together just you two alone phoning smsing regularly etc? That would be pretty difficult imo.
CaliGuy Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 So I tried to be friends with my ex recently... it didn't work! what I mean is, I still had feelings for him and while it was better to be friends with him rather than hate him.. like I did for a while... it was much easier when we just sort of stopped "hanging out" and I didn't have to pretend I was cool with everything.. I wasn't... Anyho.. now I have this friend who is doing the same thing.. being friends with a guy that she once dated and I know she wants more with him.. but is "settling" for friendship. She is hoping he will come around and decide he really likes her and wants to be with her... but I think she is fooling herself. Maybe I'm a little sceptical after what happened to me but... Anybody here ever "change their mind" after breaking up with someone but remained friends with them.. only to discover later that you really did like them after all and you got back together... ever???? TK, you know the answer to this as I have preached it over and over again. "It is impossible to be friends with someone you are still romantically interested in..." Period. If you still have feelings for your ex, it's best to stay away from them until such a time as you can imagine them in the throws of passion with someone else and it doesn't bother you anymore. If you can do that, THEN and only then can you be friends. Still, I don't see what good being friends with an ex does for you. It will never be a true friendship that has a significant impact on your life. Not like your true, CLOSE friends do for you (and you for them). Cheers.
CaliGuy Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Summary: Friendship with an ex means your ex wants the benefit of a relationship (non physical or, sometimes physical -- think FWB) with you, without being IN a relationship with you. Make sense?
looking4 green grass Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 No, I have never changed my mind after remaining "friends." Then again, I don't typically remain "friends."
The.One Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Sure it does. Just like Ross and Rachel were friends after they broke up. Wait, they ended up getting married at the end. Look, it could happen, BUT the real question is, why would you want to? Aren't there enough people in this world that you rather be friends with? You know, the ones that you haven't had romantic feelings for, and at some point both decided to change your minds and go separate ways? This world is full of people and I find it laughable when people are so concerned with "being friends" with their ex. Look. In every relationship, when it ends, ONE person will have more feelings for the other person. Mutual breakups are virtually impossible. And even if they were, once again, why would you want it? There's really no point of dragging it on, besides, would your future boyfriend/girlfriend REALLY want you going out to a movie with someone who once possibly saw you naked? Or even if it wasn't that, made plans to see the rest of your days together? I'm sorry, at some point someone has to let go. I just don't feel comfortable with my future wife hanging out with her ex-lover. And she could probably understand that. And if my girl loved me so much, why would she even want to make me wonder and feel uncomfortable. Answer, she wouldn't. So when it comes to making amends with ex's. Don't bother. You know when they say "There are plenty of fish in the sea?" There are. And there are also plenty of friends to make who didn't and won't break your heart. Be smart.
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