dzzz Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 For the people who have had affairs and fallen in love with two people simultaneously (your spouse and AP) how are they different kinds of love as quoted by some of you? I can understand the differents kinds of love like the love you feel for your child and your spouse, but i can't comprehend loving two people romantically differently. It would be great if you guys could elaborate on that and help me have a better understanding.
OWoman Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 For the people who have had affairs and fallen in love with two people simultaneously (your spouse and AP) how are they different kinds of love as quoted by some of you? I can understand the differents kinds of love like the love you feel for your child and your spouse, but i can't comprehend loving two people romantically differently. It would be great if you guys could elaborate on that and help me have a better understanding. dzzz, I can't answer your question from personal experience since I've only been in love once (with 1 person), and before that would have been very cynical about whether or not such a thing even existed, but... I come from a country where polygamy is legal, and fairly widely practised in some regions. In addition, most men of a more traditional background have girlfriends in addition to any Ws they've formally married. There's no shame in it, and the (more traditional) Ws and GFs accept it as how it is, though most say they'd rather not know about any OWs. The men themselves say, when I'm with one, I love her 100%, and the others just don't exist for me, but when I'm with another, I love her 100%, and the others no longer exist for me. Compartmentalisation, perhaps, but it's how millions live, and have lived, since time immemorial in that culture. For my H, when we were still in an A, there was no such split. His "love" for his now xW had been beaten down over the years, and he felt just residual pity for her, rather than Love... but even then, it was complicated by other things (a sense of duty, notions of loyalty, concerns about kids - who he did love - and other things). But as for loving two, he confessed he just couldn't do it. I guess some can, and some can't?
Jacky Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 For the people who have had affairs and fallen in love with two people simultaneously (your spouse and AP) how are they different kinds of love as quoted by some of you? I can understand the differents kinds of love like the love you feel for your child and your spouse, but i can't comprehend loving two people romantically differently. It would be great if you guys could elaborate on that and help me have a better understanding. Should this be in the infidelity board as well coz they would probably have some good insight? Personally I don't think you can love two people romantically at the same time. I believe love for your spouse and children is different to the romantic love. I think a lot of married couples have this problem when the flame dies and both or one side doesn't try to reignite the flame of the marriage. Everything turns into a routine and whether they are happy or not they would just stay in the marriage because is their comfort zone. Or they just simply can't be bothered. They start to get confused between the love for spouse (love for family) and romantic love. Like my MW, I don't think she is romantically in love with her H because she would not fall in love with me if she was romantically in love with her H. She loves him as a member of the family, not as a lover. I have spoke to her about this and her replied was "I still love him". Then I asked her "You never once said I am still in love with him. You just love him because he is a member of your family and you don't love him romantically." She couldn't reply after.
jennie-jennie Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 My MM stopped saying he loves his wife after a week of NC with me. Apparently the NC put his priorities straight and he realized something about the love he feels for his wife. I believe he realized what Jacky puts as loving his wife as a member of his family as opposed to loving her romantically.
Jacky Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 My MM stopped saying he loves his wife after a week of NC with me. Apparently the NC put his priorities straight and he realized something about the love he feels for his wife. I believe he realized what Jacky puts as loving his wife as a member of his family as opposed to loving her romantically. Jennie, "priorities" was the word that my MW said to me. "You only need love, love means more than anything" - she said that to me in the during the beginning and in the middle of the relationship I questioned this phrase when I spoke to her a few weeks ago reply was "Everything changes when you have priorities and respondsibilities" Our relationship was steady and happy until she was pregnant, after that more and more arguments occured. Maybe I couldn't take being the other anymore and/or her sense of priorities and respondsibilities has got stronger due to the child.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 with my MM he says he loves her. but not in the way he loves me. of course he loves her shes his wife, mother of his children, the one who cooks him dinner at night. i understand and i believe it. why wouldnt he love her, shes always been there for him and has never done anything to betray him. but is he IN love with her? not so sure on this one. i think this is also an obligatory thing. he took vows with her, not me. now my H. i love him and am still in love with him. look at him with admiration, awe, respect. (although i admit while caught up in the affair i became less focused on these feelings and tried to ignore them). still in love with him, sill attracted to him. hes not just an obligation. and at the same time i love my MM. i love who he is as a person, how (until dday) he was to me and how he made me feel. so really, i think its possible to love two at the same time. but is it possible to be devoted and connected to two at the same time? no. theres always that other person.
howcouldInotknow Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 My xMM hhas never said he loved his wife to me. Even when he went back to her he stressed the "history" they had together. He never said he loved her. He did tell me he loved me but does that really matter when he chooses to with her? Not really. IMO his wife offered familiarity, comfort and other things he was used to. It is possible to love more than one person of course we all do it everyday. I do not believe it is possible to be in love with two people at once. If a man claims he is he is emotionally and physically short changing someone
Morelikeher Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 My xMM never would admit that he loved his W either. I remember telling him that he obviously loved her at one time or he wouldn't have married her. He said the only thing he felt anymore was pity towards her. He was always saying he felt sorry for her.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 My xMM never would admit that he loved his W either. I remember telling him that he obviously loved her at one time or he wouldn't have married her. He said the only thing he felt anymore was pity towards her. He was always saying he felt sorry for her. I bet he did, considering how he was treating her! lol...he pitied you, too. A man like that thinks everyone is pitiful but himself.
howcouldInotknow Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 with my xmm i think it was him not wanting to deal with what he felt because she cheated left him for her OM packed up one day while he was at work an never said anything. But he loves her imo more than he loved me
jennie-jennie Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Jennie, "priorities" was the word that my MW said to me. "You only need love, love means more than anything" - she said that to me in the during the beginning and in the middle of the relationship I questioned this phrase when I spoke to her a few weeks ago reply was "Everything changes when you have priorities and respondsibilities" Our relationship was steady and happy until she was pregnant, after that more and more arguments occured. Maybe I couldn't take being the other anymore and/or her sense of priorities and respondsibilities has got stronger due to the child. Jacky, it must be difficult for you with your MW becoming pregnant and having a baby. Is the baby the husband's then? Luckily my MM and I are past the childbearing age. I did have nightmares in the beginning of our relationship that his wife became pregnant and they had another child. It must be so much harder to have an EMR when you are younger or at least your partner is.
boldjack Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Dzzz, It is perfectly puerile to think that you can be "in love" with two people at the same time. One or the other will ALWAYS take precedence. This kind of sh*t is just another of the many excuses, that cheaters use to justify their actions. I wouldn't even worry about it, if I were you.
Devil Inside Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 This question is tricky because it really is a matter of semantics. How does one define love? How does one define being IN love? The definition to these questions will guide how each individual sees their scenario. For me, love is something that is built over time. Love means that you really love the person...and not just how they make you feel. Love is based on more than attraction...it is a deeper connection. Being in love is the chemical reaction you experience when you first connect with someone. This is what all those songs are written about. This is what get confused for love. This is a feeling that I do not think you can have for two people at the same time. I think that if you are in love it can lead to love...but not necessarily. As for me. I was in love with my xAP at the same time that I loved my wife. I would like to think that I could have developed love for my xAP...but this was untested because as I see it love involves a commitment. Yes I cheated...but I didn't leave my wife. I stayed in my M, raised my kids, took care of her, paid the bills....these are commitments...commitments based on my love for my wife. I was not in love with her...but I love her. As time goes on since the end of my A I feel as if I may no longer be IN love with my xAP. This is also untested because we are NC...if I saw her...I may soon know... I still am. Do I love her? Well according to my definition...no. If I did I would have made a committment to her. One that would have lead to me leaving my marriage. However...like I said...it's all semantics.
HisSweetThing Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 As time goes on since the end of my A I feel as if I may no longer be IN love with my xAP. This is also untested because we are NC...if I saw her...I may soon know... I still am. Do I love her? Well according to my definition...no. If I did I would have made a committment to her. One that would have lead to me leaving my marriage. However...like I said...it's all semantics. This is exactly how my OMM sees it. He can't tell me that he loves me because he can't give me all of himself. He can't make that committment to me because he has already made it to another person. He also can't tell me that he doesn't love me.
Devil Inside Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 This is exactly how my OMM sees it. He can't tell me that he loves me because he can't give me all of himself. He can't make that committment to me because he has already made it to another person. He also can't tell me that he doesn't love me. I told my xAP that I was in love with her all the time. I really, really, wanted to turn it in to love....but I didn't follow through...so in my eyes I may have felt love...but I didn't act in a loving manner.
Jacky Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Jacky, it must be difficult for you with your MW becoming pregnant and having a baby. Is the baby the husband's then? Luckily my MM and I are past the childbearing age. I did have nightmares in the beginning of our relationship that his wife became pregnant and they had another child. It must be so much harder to have an EMR when you are younger or at least your partner is. Jennie, I can imagine how the mightmares made you felt. In reality is making me feel that once she gets into the routine with the new born, she will get back on with her life before and the connection will go. Her and my connection with her is very preicous to me. The child is the husband's, I suppose that makes the situation less complicated for her since she doesn't need to decide on anything. Selfishly sometimes I thought that if the child was mine maybe the situation will be different...*sigh*
jennie-jennie Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Jacky, I can feel your pain. Hope it works out for you in the end some way or another.
NowhereToHide Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Jennie, I can imagine how the mightmares made you felt. In reality is making me feel that once she gets into the routine with the new born, she will get back on with her life before and the connection will go. Her and my connection with her is very preicous to me. The child is the husband's, I suppose that makes the situation less complicated for her since she doesn't need to decide on anything. Selfishly sometimes I thought that if the child was mine maybe the situation will be different...*sigh* Jacky, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. The pain is horrible, I know. I know you're hurting, but I would try and start separating from her now... emotionally as well as physically. Having children myself, I know the power of emotions involved with having a baby... you bond with the baby and everyone else involved with the baby, especially your husband. I think you're right to assume that she is going to get more involved with her family, and probably more bonded. The baby won't solve whatever problems they have, but he or she will certainly be a distraction for at least a few years. Don't wait around to see what happens. You could end up wasting a lot of your life away. Take care.
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