kma11 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 in reading other posts. the question came up....what do you when you are just facing down the ugly truth..that after many years together, kids etc. you just do not love that person anymore? It happened to me...I look at my X and feel nothing!(we r 9months into seperating, almost divorce) i want him to be successfull, happy etc. but i could not "flip" that switch back on. I tried. read everything, went to therapy, confided in friends, parked myself at church.....and NOTHING. The therapists i went to both told me it is harder for women to "re-connect" once they have emotionally pulled out of the marriage. in my case , i went three years disconnected.....then made the MOTHER of all mistakes and had an affair. He will never look at me the same again. I really regret not being honest and giving our family the oppurtunity to separate without the pain and drama of an affair. SOO...just curious? all those cheating spouses (and i am lumped in the same catagory) what do you think...when the real truth is that you simply do not love that person anymore or have the emotion required to care for the marriage and your partner? what then? do you resign yourself to cheating? do you think you can "get it back"? do you just stay as roomates?
Devil Inside Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 I don't know. This is never easy. We both cheated...so we both need to reconnect...although she claims she is there already. I am giving myself a year. Working on myself in that year...but if I still do not feel different by next fall...I think I will file. You need to try hard...but when it is done...it may be done. I mean some stay just for the kids...but the danger is you feeling dead emotionally and maybe having another affair. So make sure you are honest...especially with yourself...I know this is hard for me too.
MistyK Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 (edited) For me, I realized that I just couldn't go backwards. Further, in retrospect I saw a lot of things that made me wonder if I ever really had it for my xH (in the way a W should). I don't think you can force yourself to feel passion for someone, and I think it's pointless to try. From the affair, I learned that I could feel a different way with someone else, and I wanted to capture that - and give my xH the oppurtunity to find it too since I couldn't muster it. Edited October 14, 2009 by MistyK
skywriter Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 kma11, Ok, this perspective is from the spouse that had a husband stop loving her. My H stopped loving me five yrs prior to leaving. Those following five yrs brought me to some very low, low's. I tried to no avail to rekindle his love. The distance between he and I , for lack of a better description was , "thick" in our home. You could feel it. Our kids felt it. It made me physically sick and emotionally, I was a broken woman. When he finally left, it was as if a burden was lifted from myself as well as my children. Of course, I had to grieve the loss and I was absolutly terrified of being alone and trying to make it. Once I was able to realise that I could make it and my children wouldn't lack for anything, I was able to accept the marriage was over. Now, we are cordial and we can communicate better with one another. Hope this helps. Best wishes.
LocalColor Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 I'm in the same boat. The love feelings in me have been smashed over and over by alternating patterns of manufactured crisis, emotional withdrawal, disregard and neglect. In the process of working on myself, and making new efforts to rebuild social ties I had allowed to languish over the past 9 years, I made the same mistake and developed an emotional affair with a friend. I guess I was ripe for it, but it was pure weakness on my part. Essentially, it was an innocent crush that emotionally get out of hand. It was powerful to rediscover those strong positive feelings, and it makes it all the more difficult to "flip the switch" now that my husband has decided to take an active interest in our marriage. Of course, it was the affair that created enough crisis for my husband to care about addressing his personal issues as well as the emotional and communication issues within our marriage. Pretty sad about that one. I'm really struggling because, despite our problems, I do love him as a person. But, I'm not so sure I love him as a wife should love a husband.
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