CP78 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Struggling with end of 6 year relationship Hi--a few days ago I went online to see what was out there about "he wants to take space" and I ended up on Danielle's and Lizzy's exchange...it was really helpful. I have been reading your posts, Danielle, and have found your insights and manner of dealing with your breakup inspiring. So here I go. My boyfriend is six years younger than I am--we started dating when he was 19 and I was 25. I was hesitant to get involved because of the age difference, and we had some rough patches up front, but we just wanted to be together, so we kept on. Two years ago I broke up with him because I was frustrated with problems in our relationship and I wanted to see someone else. However, the whole time I knew I didn't want to let him go, either. Long story short, it was a terrible time for him, during which I did alot of damage. About two months after our break up we got back together with the knowledge that this time it was for keeps...he proposed very shortly afterward, which took me sort of by surprise and I didn't feel ready, but I said yes. This was in the spring of 2007. We were in NJ and I was going to start a graduate program in CT in the fall--we were going to move up there together. But I took a trip I had planned while we were apart, walking in Spain for three weeks, and when I returned I was uncertain about things, and broke the engagement. I also told him I wanted to move up to CT alone, which I did. He helped me move. I knew he was hurting and I was hurting but I just felt sort of numb about it all. As soon as he left me alone in CT I missed him, and he ended up coming up just about every weekend to see me. But things obviously were strained between us, and he had become unsure about us (understandably). At Christmas he confessed he'd seen two other women while we were still together in October, and apologized, and we decided to try to start fresh. But basically we never really dealt with all that had happened. So at the end of that year he moved up to CT, primarily because an old friend of his was already up here and we were all going to share a place. So last year we lived together, and fought quite a lot. We always banter and have a sort of comical Ozzy and Harriet thing going on, but it was getting worse. PLUS--I am now 31, and beginning to worry about my fertility and was hoping he was interested in moving forward with us and thinking about these things too. But he's a musician, brilliant, but didn't finish his college education, and trying to figure out what he's going to do (he's now 25). At any rate, we had discussed the problem about my wanting children sooner than later, and talked about maybe needing to break up if he couldn't meet me where I am now... So, about two or three weeks ago we broke up. I tried to convince him that we can work things out with the help of a counselor, but he feels that it just needs to be over right now. However, since our break up he's told me he loves me, is in love with me, is confused and hurting just as much as me, that he doesn't want to see other women (although he flirts online with them, I know he does). We've had crazy contact since the initial break up, including sex twice (one time after which he said he'd changed his mind and wanted me back). There are alot of detail I'm skimming now but will get to later--but bottom line, I'm initiating no contact since yesterday, though we have to be in some contact because he's living in our old apartment with my two cats (another story--it really pisses me off that he was the one who wanted space and to break up and I'm the one who had to move out). At any rate, there is going to be some communication about all of that (one of the cats is sick) and also I have to go back to the stupid apartment every day to see them and care for them and check my mail, etc. I know I have to move forward as though we'll never get back together, and am planning to leave this town around Thanksgiving and stay with family through Christmas...but I don't know if I'm just blindly hoping or really have the intuition that he'll change his mind...I just go back and forth, thinking with assurance that he'll want me back, but then I just feel so sad knowing that I have to accept that it's over. I know he's confused and hurting, and that in truth, if our relationship is going to stand a real chance, we do need this time apart. But I just hurt so much, and every day hoping to hear from him (so I can ignore the communication ha ha--though I do wonder if NC is the proper course--is that a game? I just don't know). Ugh. So much, I'm just emotionally vomiting here. But the nights and the mornings are so hard, and I just get online and hope he'll be on Skype or FB chat and try to talk to me. Thanks for reading/caring-- CP
Recommended Posts