StupidBeliever Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 ......after I contacted her husband and sent him the emails I'd found between her and my husband. "I'm not a liar I'm sorry but I don't know your name... but I wasn't lying. I told you the truth. If I was seeing your husband/fiance then how do you propose I do that since having a breakdown last year? Something that such a good friend he is knows nothing about. Don't you find that a bit strange? I've been virtually housebound for over a year now. I physically shake and have severe panic attacks yet I'm off seeing your bloke? No offense but I have myself to look after right now, nevermind my family. I'm curently awaiting treatment in the new year. If I get that far. I have plenty of friends online yet I now trust no one. Not after this But I AM telling you you have nothing to worry about here. That I promise you. I owe you nothing. And right now I have nothing to lose... so accept it and be happy. Both of you. " The daming email I found is in another thread. Does this woman think I'm stupid?
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 She's had an inappropriate 'friendship' with your husband, maybe they didn't actually have sex, but they definately are/were emotionally involved/attached to one another, that part is obvious. I will have to go read your other thread.. Anyway, I suggest you just block her and forget about her..She is going to say whatever she can to get you off her back, to save her own @ss with her H. The issue now is, your husband.. Is he remorseful? Does he regret getting close to another woman? Is he willing to do all that is necessary to make your marriage stronger? Do counselling with you?
NowhereToHide Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Many people don't recognize emotional affairs as affairs. She probably doesn't believe that she has engaged in anything deceitful. I would let it go. She shouldn't be your focus anyway. Your husband should be. Direct your anger to the person who deserves it from you the most -- HIM.
Author StupidBeliever Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 I am angry with him, but I'm also scared of being without him. I can't imagine a life with him not being there to share it all. I told him to leave last night, not the first time I've told him to just go and levae me to find some happiness. He hasn't come home and has sent an email saying he is remorseful and sorry and that he loves me and to feed the cats. I find it hard to believe that he has always loved me as he claims as there were just so many lies and he still refuses to tell me anything, not when it began, how it ended, nothing as he 'can't remember' and gets angry with me. He's only recently admited to more than 'just friends' after he finally agreed to read the first message I found between him and the OW. This is 9 months after he flat out denied saying things that were in the message and me telling him just to read the damn email. He really cried after reading the conversation and said he could see that he had crossed a line and didn't remember it and hadn't realised. But still couldn't me what more than just friends meant. I sent him really harsh email saying that I felt repulsed when he touched me now and thats how I know its over - but now I don't know. I'm scared and messed up and rambling. Sorry.
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Give it time.. Time to calm down and think. You're emotional, hurting and feeling betrayed by him, and he's reacting to you. Let him be out of the house, he needs to suffer some consquences for abit.. When you're ready, call him and talk it out. Seek marriage counselling, reguardless if you plan on separating or divorcing..It'll help both of you. It seems he isn't ready to own up his part in the A. He won't share details, he's pretending he doesn't remember, downplaying it like it was nothing.. HE KNOWS what's what, it's just a matter of time before he mans up and comes clean..
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 ive covered for my MM countless times when it comes to the wife. so she may be doing the same here. but now after dday ive decided if she contacts me she can have whatever info she wants. before he was busted i felt like it wasnt my place to out him. but now that its out there its not my place to cover for him.
tami-chan Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 I am angry with him, but I'm also scared of being without him. I can't imagine a life with him not being there to share it all. Well, you have to find a way to reconcile your anger with him and your need for his presence in your life.Or you can just learn not to anchor your life on someone else's. Or learn to live with and accept his truth. Of course you are angry and "messed up". How about you take time to breathe and exhale and quietly process everything and not do anything rash?
Dexter Morgan Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 I owe you nothing. I always love this line from OM/OW. I suppose they owe NOBODY common decency as opposed to arrogant entitlement bunk? People like this that "owe you nothing" are nothing but scum. You should reply that you realize she has this attitude and because of that you can right her off as a total beyotch and never try to contact you again.
1Angel Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 SB I'm getting angry just reading that crap she wrote! What a Liar. But the others are right, leave her be. It's your H who broke committment.
Author StupidBeliever Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 Sorry I haven't replied sooner, things here have been eventful. He did come home to pack some stuff. Took ages about it and then as he was leaving he said "I know you don't want to hear this but it was all me, it was nothing to do with you or her, it was me I'm messed up. I was thinking all the way home of how to play this, but no I am just messed up" This felt like the first bit of genuine remorse he'd shown since D-Day. So I said he could stay. He sobbed and said that he hated himself for what he's done to me. That he liked the thrill of it (the affair, he still hasn't used that word), it wasn't anything to do with me or us. That I was right, he is a serial cheater and he can't argue against that. He said he lied beacuse he was scared of losing me and it was a stupid thing to do. He agreed to answering any questions I had. After months of having so many questions, my mind was blank, because I had got so used to him not answering anything, this felt like a complete turn around. I asked him when did it start and when did it end. He said, that there was no definate start date as he could remember and it just sort of happened and he doesn't know when it ended as it just sort of petered out before I found out. He said that he did remember that the worst part of it ended the christmas before my accident as he'd spent more time with me over christmas and wanted to carry on that way. I told him that I knew that he'd had contact with her after my accident and only a couple of days before I found out (nothing overly incriminating in them). He said that he knew that and was sorry, it was wrong. It felt like he was being genuine, I was so relieved. I spoke about how happy I was that we could finally move on and that he was no longer condemning us to a 'fake life' in which this type of stuff would keep resurfacing and that this is no way to live your life. That really seemed to affect him. We woke in the morning for work and after a week with about 8 hours sleep in total and only one proper meal, I was in no state and asked him if he would take the day off too. Even after d-day he went to work, this time he seemed frustrated by it, but I didn't say anything. Usually I would have said, ok go in, but I said nothing and he did call in. This felt like a huge change to me. Thinking that we were on a real road to healing from this I began to ask questions about his time with her and we were back to his standard "I can't remember" or "I don't know" and I mean every question. Why won't he speak about it? Is he genuinely remorseful or is he just playing me?
Author StupidBeliever Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 (edited) SB I'm getting angry just reading that crap she wrote! What a Liar. But the others are right, leave her be. It's your H who broke committment. I know she's a liar as if she was housebound how was she out and about taking pictures with the flickr account he bought her? Why lie for him? Or is this about trying to save her own relationship? I'm having no contact with her as she can't be trusted to show any compassion and just tell me the truth of what happened and when it ended. My focus is on my husband now, and deciphering whether I want this man or not. I swing back and forth between hating him and loving him and its been like this for 9 months. I still feel like a zombie and unable to think clearly at times, all I want is to know what happened. Edited October 16, 2009 by StupidBeliever spelling
Author StupidBeliever Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 (edited) Ok so husband and I are in couples therapy and it's going ok. We've had two sessions thus far and things felt like they were slowly heading in the right direction. Then today ......... Got an email from the OW's husband with a link to a filesharing site. I assumed he had found something that he thought I should know about. I clicked the link and it seems it has installed Trojans and worms onto my laptop. I'm not particularly computer savvy but this isn't good right? Why would her husband do this to me? I am so angry that all this is happening and it's my husband's fault for starting up the affair - at least he now acknowledges that it was an affair Edited November 9, 2009 by StupidBeliever Hadn't finished typing
1Angel Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 It could have been OW masked as her husband. How would you know?
tami-chan Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 maybe it wasn't the husband who sent you the link.......hmmm...evil...tell your husband, this is his fault-he has put you in a place of vulnerability, demand for him to fix it or disengage...you cannot be afraid to draw the line....
Author StupidBeliever Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 (edited) maybe it wasn't the husband who sent you the link.......hmmm...evil...tell your husband, this is his fault-he has put you in a place of vulnerability, demand for him to fix it or disengage...you cannot be afraid to draw the line.... Do you mean the problem with my laptop or our marriage? If you mean our marriage then I'm not sure what more I can ask of him as he's given me access to his emails, has stopped all contact with her (admittedly he could easily contact her without me knowing from his work) and is going to couples therapy. The OW husband said that no one knew the email account he contacted me on. So I assumed it was him - having said that there was another "new" email address ........ If it was the OW, again why do this? I've left her alone Edited November 9, 2009 by StupidBeliever Spelling
Author StupidBeliever Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 (edited) Accidental double post - sorry! Edited November 9, 2009 by StupidBeliever
1Angel Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 If it was the OW, again why do this? I've left her alone Inability to accept not being chosen by your H.
Author StupidBeliever Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Inability to accept not being chosen by your H. Then why not contact him, instead of being malicious towards me? If her plan is to have him then this isn't going to endear her to him? Admittedly I opened this door by contacting her directly and asking what the hell was going on, but this Trojan / worms thing seems really irrational. Like I said it was sent to me from her husband's email address so I assumed it was him, but now I'm questioning that
HarmonyHope Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 (edited) Then why not contact him, instead of being malicious towards me? If her plan is to have him then this isn't going to endear her to him? Admittedly I opened this door by contacting her directly and asking what the hell was going on, but this Trojan / worms thing seems really irrational. Like I said it was sent to me from her husband's email address so I assumed it was him, but now I'm questioning that It might not have been personal - some viruses send themselves to everyone in the contact list/address book. Or maybe his W discovered the secret email address and got pissed that you two were communicating behind her back. More likely though - I'd wonder what your H did to piss her off. You said yourself that you can't be sure of NC. I'd seriously question that. The inability to accept not being chosen is also a distinct possibility, especially if she and her H are moving towards splitting and she's going to be left alone. Good possibility that she's blaming you for his decision to stay with you....it's much easier to hate the one you don't care about. Edited November 9, 2009 by HarmonyHope
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